there is no reflection swollen face all
puffed up red bloodshot eyes eyes are
too ashamed to look at their own
reflection with great difficulty I look
up and see a shadow of a woman a girl
and nobody blue gray red skin the stress
is aging her before her time how sad
what heavy lids weighed down by the
sadness the silence the pain when will
it stop
I’m gonna go away so tired
who is that stranger looking back at me
vacant gaunt gray I wonder if the real
me has gone forever I cannot see her in
the mirror she must be dead I met him at
university when I was studying abroad in
Italy he was tall dark and handsome
a charming brazilian artist it wasn’t
hard for me to become head over heels of
him and very very quickly I grew up in a
big loving family I had the privilege of
receiving a private education I have
open minded easygoing parents I have
amazing friends I’ve always been a very
caring sociable and creative person
I’ve had many open doors in my life I’ve
been very lucky and I suppose I had the
normal ups and downs the hopes and
insecurities visit of a 21 year old but
overall I would say my life was pretty
great he was a bit moody a bit jealous
and he liked to have things his own way
but I was in love I was often confused
by this behavior but for some reason so
desperate of him to like me and stay
with me that I ended up deleting
Facebook
I dropped my male friends
and I changed my behavior to meet his
expectations when he wasn’t being
difficult we had a great time together
there was lots of chemistry between us
and I was hooked I moved out with him to
Brazil I put the increasingly confusing
behavior subtle criticisms put-downs
silent treatment I put this behavior
down to cultural differences and needing
to learn better Portuguese I called a
friend and cried that sometimes we just
didn’t really get each other I made
excuses for his actions in my head he’s
just different he has a strong character
I’m the only one who really understands
him I pushed my gut feelings aside I
pushed them far down and I married him
over the next four years I endured
emotional psychological and physical
abuse of this man that I selflessly
loved and whom I believed loved me back
it’s important to understand that an
abusive relationship doesn’t start by
being told that you’re stupid or
incapable or a whore on a daily basis
nor does it start with being hit in the
face for daring to look at another man
for trying to trust the road to get to
that point the abuser has gradually
chipped away at the person’s self-esteem
their self-worth their self belief
convincing them that they are culpable
and responsible for the abusive actions
they have gradually isolated you from
your friends and family and they make
you believe that the only world that is
real and that matters is the private
world that you share together in my case
this was done side by side but being
made to feel very desired needed and
generally feeling lots of intense
emotions so the good times are very high
and the bad times got gradually lower
and lower 2013 was the worst year of my
life I was absolutely convinced that the
whole thing was my fault and that I
needed to fix it to make the problems go
away I was deeply ashamed and I hid my
this point my self-esteem had become
eroded to non-existence simple decisions
had become impossible because everything
I did was wrong in his eyes I had become
an underweight sad shadow of my former
self I was also so brainwashed that I
didn’t even realize how serious the
abuse was becoming in fact I didn’t even
realize I was being abused I was pushed
around hid pinched spat at in my face he
perforated my eardrum
he broke bones in my foot I had bruises
on my arms my legs my ears of my neck he
strangled me more than once one time
when he injured his arm I brushed his
hair wrong so he hit me across the face
he would remove his ring so to bruise me
less when you endure so much violence on
a daily basis on a regular basis and
also in such an unpredictable way it
makes you feel physically and mentally
exhausted drained it wipes you out you
just tried to hide the evidence and get
through each day as normally as possible
until you realize that you just don’t
know what normal is anymore but I did
start to realize that there was
something wrong I searched online for
relationship problems and I eventually
called the UK national charity for
domestic abuse Women’s Aid they pointed
out the real danger that my life was in
I heard them and the obvious conclusion
would be for me to leave right but for
me that was out of the question I felt
even more responsible for him now that
he was injured and in any case when I
did try to stand up for myself he
accused me of abandoning him in his time
of need
I was a
fraid and my life felt like a prison
with no way out we went back to Brazil
me him and my little dog I was once
again on the other side of the world now
even more isolated and removed for my
friends and family I had become
processing the idea of leaving but was
still so unsure of how it could happen
one evening in a Skype call with my
auntie I asked her about a bad
relationship she had had in her youth I
was silently screaming for help she saw
me jump when I thought the door go and
she asked me directly are you afraid of
him has he ever hit you this was my
opportunity and now I felt ready
after months of internalizing and trying
to build up the courage and the strength
I said the words out loud and I broke my
silence I was being abused as soon as I
had told my auntie my entire family knew
that I needed to get home
operation escape started my cousin she
said she could get me on a flight within
a couple of days but it wasn’t going to
be that easy
I couldn’t just pack my bags and leave
although my auntie had warned me that
statistically leaving an abusive
relationship is the most dangerous time
I just could not leave him in secret I
felt that if I did I would be confirming
to him all of his accusations of me that
I was a liar and a cheat plus I was sure
he considered his reputation to be too
important to really hurt me in a
practical sense I also have no money
left
I’d maxed out my credit card I’d gone to
the end of my overdraft and I spent the
last of my savings my parents and my
best friend offered to pay for
everything to get me home so this all
took several weeks to organize in which
time he suddenly became nice again he
took me out for meals and gave me
attention as if nothing bad had ever
happened between us there was no
physical violence this may be difficult
to understand but it was so confusing
for me
I almost wish she would hit me again so
I had a tangible reason to leave him I
vividly remember him asking me if I was
really sure I wanted to leave I remember
then saying to my sister am i doing the
right thing he told me that I would
never find anyone like him ever again
look back and it still amazes me that my
reality regrets to this point where I
was brainwashed to be completely to feel
completely worthless and stupid and
incapable myself has seemed gone when
you hear the same never to negative
rhetoric day-in day-out gradually
getting more and more negative you start
to believe it and absorb it until you
are completely overtaken by it
abusers know exactly what they are doing
abuse is about control and I was really
made to believe that everything was my
fault even though I was deeply unhappy
leaving was one of the hardest things I
have ever done but I left I flew eight
[Music]
I left I flew 8,000 kilometers home with
nothing but my suitcase and my dog I
reclaimed my freedom in the last four
and a half years since leaving I have
completely rebuilt my life I just threw
myself at every opportunity because I
had nothing left to lose
I reconnected with old friends I made
lots of new friends I found a great job
I rediscovered my voice I needed lots of
hours of therapy and even medication I
learnt to love myself and rebuild my
boundaries I even met the real love of
my life and I am flourishing
I know myself I now realize I am brave I
am worthwhile and that I am not to blame
for what I went through I left on a
Tuesday tears fell uncontrollably they
were big wet heavy tears tears that I
shed out of exhaustion pain the sheer
enormity of my actions I was leaving I
left on a Tuesday stepping on the plane
I turned my back on it all I had nothing
left to lose
I was zeroed empty no more I left on a
Tuesday the courage was built slowly and
not always so surely and it had taken
months to get to this but the courage
was built slowly and not always so
surely but enough to make sure that I
faced this new direction with each
kilometer that past I was further away I
would be safe I left on a Tuesday when I
arrived it was Wednesday and my new life began
puffed up red bloodshot eyes eyes are
too ashamed to look at their own
reflection with great difficulty I look
up and see a shadow of a woman a girl
and nobody blue gray red skin the stress
is aging her before her time how sad
what heavy lids weighed down by the
sadness the silence the pain when will
it stop
I’m gonna go away so tired
who is that stranger looking back at me
vacant gaunt gray I wonder if the real
me has gone forever I cannot see her in
the mirror she must be dead I met him at
university when I was studying abroad in
Italy he was tall dark and handsome
a charming brazilian artist it wasn’t
hard for me to become head over heels of
him and very very quickly I grew up in a
big loving family I had the privilege of
receiving a private education I have
open minded easygoing parents I have
amazing friends I’ve always been a very
caring sociable and creative person
I’ve had many open doors in my life I’ve
been very lucky and I suppose I had the
normal ups and downs the hopes and
insecurities visit of a 21 year old but
overall I would say my life was pretty
great he was a bit moody a bit jealous
and he liked to have things his own way
but I was in love I was often confused
by this behavior but for some reason so
desperate of him to like me and stay
with me that I ended up deleting
I dropped my male friends
and I changed my behavior to meet his
expectations when he wasn’t being
difficult we had a great time together
there was lots of chemistry between us
and I was hooked I moved out with him to
Brazil I put the increasingly confusing
behavior subtle criticisms put-downs
silent treatment I put this behavior
down to cultural differences and needing
to learn better Portuguese I called a
friend and cried that sometimes we just
didn’t really get each other I made
excuses for his actions in my head he’s
just different he has a strong character
I’m the only one who really understands
him I pushed my gut feelings aside I
pushed them far down and I married him
over the next four years I endured
emotional psychological and physical
abuse of this man that I selflessly
loved and whom I believed loved me back
it’s important to understand that an
abusive relationship doesn’t start by
being told that you’re stupid or
incapable or a whore on a daily basis
nor does it start with being hit in the
face for daring to look at another man
for trying to trust the road to get to
that point the abuser has gradually
chipped away at the person’s self-esteem
their self-worth their self belief
convincing them that they are culpable
and responsible for the abusive actions
they have gradually isolated you from
your friends and family and they make
you believe that the only world that is
real and that matters is the private
world that you share together in my case
this was done side by side but being
made to feel very desired needed and
generally feeling lots of intense
emotions so the good times are very high
and the bad times got gradually lower
and lower 2013 was the worst year of my
life I was absolutely convinced that the
whole thing was my fault and that I
needed to fix it to make the problems go
away I was deeply ashamed and I hid my
this point my self-esteem had become
eroded to non-existence simple decisions
had become impossible because everything
I did was wrong in his eyes I had become
an underweight sad shadow of my former
self I was also so brainwashed that I
didn’t even realize how serious the
abuse was becoming in fact I didn’t even
realize I was being abused I was pushed
around hid pinched spat at in my face he
perforated my eardrum
he broke bones in my foot I had bruises
on my arms my legs my ears of my neck he
strangled me more than once one time
when he injured his arm I brushed his
hair wrong so he hit me across the face
he would remove his ring so to bruise me
less when you endure so much violence on
a daily basis on a regular basis and
also in such an unpredictable way it
makes you feel physically and mentally
exhausted drained it wipes you out you
just tried to hide the evidence and get
through each day as normally as possible
until you realize that you just don’t
know what normal is anymore but I did
start to realize that there was
something wrong I searched online for
relationship problems and I eventually
called the UK national charity for
domestic abuse Women’s Aid they pointed
out the real danger that my life was in
I heard them and the obvious conclusion
would be for me to leave right but for
me that was out of the question I felt
even more responsible for him now that
he was injured and in any case when I
did try to stand up for myself he
accused me of abandoning him in his time
of need
I was a
fraid and my life felt like a prison
with no way out we went back to Brazil
me him and my little dog I was once
again on the other side of the world now
even more isolated and removed for my
friends and family I had become
processing the idea of leaving but was
still so unsure of how it could happen
one evening in a Skype call with my
auntie I asked her about a bad
relationship she had had in her youth I
was silently screaming for help she saw
me jump when I thought the door go and
she asked me directly are you afraid of
him has he ever hit you this was my
opportunity and now I felt ready
after months of internalizing and trying
to build up the courage and the strength
I said the words out loud and I broke my
silence I was being abused as soon as I
had told my auntie my entire family knew
that I needed to get home
operation escape started my cousin she
said she could get me on a flight within
a couple of days but it wasn’t going to
be that easy
I couldn’t just pack my bags and leave
although my auntie had warned me that
statistically leaving an abusive
relationship is the most dangerous time
I just could not leave him in secret I
felt that if I did I would be confirming
to him all of his accusations of me that
I was a liar and a cheat plus I was sure
he considered his reputation to be too
important to really hurt me in a
practical sense I also have no money
left
I’d maxed out my credit card I’d gone to
the end of my overdraft and I spent the
last of my savings my parents and my
best friend offered to pay for
everything to get me home so this all
took several weeks to organize in which
time he suddenly became nice again he
took me out for meals and gave me
attention as if nothing bad had ever
happened between us there was no
physical violence this may be difficult
to understand but it was so confusing
for me
I almost wish she would hit me again so
I had a tangible reason to leave him I
vividly remember him asking me if I was
really sure I wanted to leave I remember
then saying to my sister am i doing the
right thing he told me that I would
never find anyone like him ever again
look back and it still amazes me that my
reality regrets to this point where I
was brainwashed to be completely to feel
completely worthless and stupid and
incapable myself has seemed gone when
you hear the same never to negative
rhetoric day-in day-out gradually
getting more and more negative you start
to believe it and absorb it until you
are completely overtaken by it
abusers know exactly what they are doing
abuse is about control and I was really
made to believe that everything was my
fault even though I was deeply unhappy
leaving was one of the hardest things I
have ever done but I left I flew eight
[Music]
I left I flew 8,000 kilometers home with
nothing but my suitcase and my dog I
reclaimed my freedom in the last four
and a half years since leaving I have
completely rebuilt my life I just threw
myself at every opportunity because I
had nothing left to lose
I reconnected with old friends I made
lots of new friends I found a great job
I rediscovered my voice I needed lots of
hours of therapy and even medication I
learnt to love myself and rebuild my
boundaries I even met the real love of
my life and I am flourishing
I know myself I now realize I am brave I
am worthwhile and that I am not to blame
for what I went through I left on a
Tuesday tears fell uncontrollably they
were big wet heavy tears tears that I
shed out of exhaustion pain the sheer
enormity of my actions I was leaving I
left on a Tuesday stepping on the plane
I turned my back on it all I had nothing
left to lose
I was zeroed empty no more I left on a
Tuesday the courage was built slowly and
not always so surely and it had taken
months to get to this but the courage
was built slowly and not always so
surely but enough to make sure that I
faced this new direction with each
kilometer that past I was further away I
would be safe I left on a Tuesday when I
arrived it was Wednesday and my new life began
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