I spent a lot of my life just trying to
get through it
I remember back in 2001 when my second
son was born he cried a lot and by a lot
I mean all day long
my beautiful baby just cried and cried
and I’d wake up in the morning and the
first conscious thought that I’d have
every morning was that I just needed to
make it through the day
and so I’d break my day into 15-minute
increments I knew I could get through
just 15 minutes and when those 15
minutes were out my clock would reset
and I go just 15 more minutes and so on
throughout the day until I’d gotten
through my day 15 minutes at a time my
beautiful little baby and his older
brother who was also still a baby would
finally be asleep and I could at last
lay down for a few hours until I woke
again when my 15 minute interval day
started all over and this is how I live
nine months of my life back in 2001 my
son outgrew his crying and he became an
incredibly wonderful boy but I did not
outgrow my mindset I was stuck in this
limbo of simply surviving my life I was
so caught up in my day-to-day grind that
I just went through the motions passing
each today while dreaming of tomorrow
this was nothing new to me I remember as
a kid just trying to make it through the
marking period to winter break to summer
vacation just a few more days until my
pimple goes away or a few more months
until I’m not so awkward anymore in
college I loved college but it will be
better after I make it through this
class that I really don’t like also I’m
excited for spring break and my study
abroad I can’t wait for that that study
abroad was awful
then I just tried to make it through the
semester so I could come home again when
I started my job I was just making it
through the week until Friday which is
surprising when I think about it because
I loved my job but I guess I loved
Friday
it’s more I was making it until payday
until my promotion because I was excited
for that promotion I married the most
incredible man and then I couldn’t wait
until we could buy a house together
because then my life could really start
he told me that once we had a house then
we could have a baby and I wanted that
baby so badly so I waited for the house
and then I waited for the baby
our beautiful firstborn son and then I
waited for a second our second beautiful
boy and a third our perfect baby girl
and so I passed my life dreaming dreams
I knew I could make it to the next dream
I was one of the fortunate ones who
worked really hard but also had a bit of
luck so I kept reaching my dreams but as
I reached the next in the next milestone
the house the family the promotion the
office I never stopped to appreciate how
far I’d come or what I’d accomplished I
just came up with the next dream to
dream I just needed one more thing just
one more experience and the day’s became
months and the months became years and
all of a sudden I’m 46 years old still
dreaming my life away my friend and I
for kicks we went to a psychic once this
psychic told me I had a golden aura I
literally walked in the room and he
looked at me with these wide eyes and
said I had a golden aura I asked him
what he meant by that and his exact
words were very technical here so pay
attention you step in it turns to
gold
I could understand that because I knew I
was living this wonderful and blessed
life with an incredible husband and
these three amazing kids in this
gigantic career but to me my aura felt
like fool’s gold you see to me today was
just a holding day until tomorrow
tomorrow was my day tomorrow I’ll shine
I’m not so good today but you just wait
and see what I can be tomorrow in
February of last year my biggest and
craziest dream was finally going to be
realized it was something that I truly
never thought I’d cross off my bucket
list you see for 16 years I’ve been
applying to play survivor I’m sure many
of you know the game it’s one of the
most popular reality TV shows ever
created 18 or so strangers marooned on
an island forced to live together but
also to compete against each other
voting each other out of the game one by
one over 39 days until there is just one
sole survivor who has outwitted
outplayed and outlasted all the rest and
this sole survivor wins a million
dollars and in February of last year I
got that call that changed my life I had
been invited to play survivor finally I
would have my day and that morning last
April on a ship in the Fijian see when
my survivor game began it was the first
time in a long time that I wasn’t
dreaming of tomorrow instead at that
moment I simply wanted time to stop but
of course it didn’t it went on as time
does I remember jumping overboard and
swimming to the rowboat and eventually
landing on our beach with the other
people on my team and survivor teams are
called tribes and finding out that my
tribe of heroes included an NFL player a
firefighter an Olympian a marine and
ocean rescue I was an actuary and a mom
and I honestly had no idea why I was
there they had no idea why I was there
either they labeled me mom squad and
decided to vote me out as soon as we
lost a challenge but I put on a mask of
confidence and pretended I felt good
about today I
pretended I belonged on this tribe of
heroes but inside I just felt like my
aura was fool’s gold
and I knew if I could just make it till
tomorrow then tomorrow they’ll like me
tomorrow is my day that first day I was
so hungry and scared but I knew that
after getting a good sleep my stomach
would have grown tired of growling and
I’d feel less like an outsider first
night came and I remember I couldn’t
really sleep after all all my years I
spent watching Survivor
I never realized that sleeping in a
bamboo shelter felt like sleeping on
jagged concrete Fiji was hot in the day
but it was chilly at night so that first
night instead of getting that good sleep
instead I lay there cold and hungry on
jagged concrete and I watched the moon
move across the sky slowly moving across
the sky I just lay there waiting for
morning by morning neither my hunger nor
my exhaustion had subsided but I knew
that I’d feel better the next day
tomorrow I’ll learn how to sleep in our
shelter my stomach will stop growling
and these young people will like me
because tomorrow is my day by day three
we were at our first survivor challenge
I had waited 16 years to compete in a
survivor challenge but instead of being
excited I was terrified on day three
when we were running that challenge my
tribe competing against the other two
tribes I just wanted it to be over
because you see I’m not so good at this
one it’s the next one I can do I was so
afraid I actually threw up that was
awful my tribe ended up losing that
first challenge so now we had to vote
someone from our tribe out of the game I
just needed to make it a few more hours
past this first vote and I did and my
game went on I got through each day
waiting for one small meal waiting for
the challenge waiting for nighttime so I
could lay my head down and watch the
moon move across the sky I was living
out my dream as I lived my life just
waiting one more day one more challenge
one more vote not recognizing that I was
living
my dream today and all the while I
pretended I was confident so confident
but inside I knew my aura was just
fool’s gold today then on day 22 after
more than three weeks of waiting I had a
moment that literally changed my life
this moment was so brief didn’t even
make the edit there was a water
challenge this time we were competing
for a feast on a yacht and I had to swim
individually against a marine who was
more than a decade younger than I was
and I was absolutely freaking out on
that dock before it started because I
was 46 years old and not a swimmer and
today is not my day tomorrow is my day
but there was no way to fake this one
and I’m absolutely freaking out on that
dock when the hero firefighter looked me
straight in the eye and very calmly said
Krissy
just hold your mask dive in and swim
your little heart out and in that simple
phrase just dive in and swim your little
heart out my whole world skipped for a
moment it was like I woke up and I
realized that whatever I was that was
enough however I did that was okay I
didn’t have to wait for tomorrow my time
was now and so in that moment I just
dove in and I swam my little heart out I
swam to the dock and I climbed up the
giant ladder and I jumped into the ocean
below and I swam to the buoy and I don’t
under water and I untied the keys and
when I came up for air the doctor was
screaming Chrissie you’re winning
Chrissie you’re winning and yes I won my
swimming leg and our team won the feast
on the yacht that day that moment was a
turning point in my game when my game of
tomorrow’s became a game of today’s when
I finally felt like enough then I was it
didn’t always go my way of course there
were plenty of times that I found myself
on the outside of a vote or the outside
of an alliance but I managed to get
myself to the end today 39 by living
each day for today
joyfully and gratefully and that day
after I learned when I could just dive
in and swim my little heart out I went
on to win four individual immunity
challenges for I tied a record for the
most individual immunity wins by a woman
in Survivor history I was 46 the next
oldest person to do that was 29
the beauty of today showed itself not
only during the challenges but also
during the simple and quiet moments of
just surviving on that Island in Fiji
I remember one moment in the early
morning hours of day 35 the surfer and I
had won an overnight reward
we brought the bellhop with us the three
of us the actuary the surfer and the
bellhop we slept that night not on the
concrete bamboos but in a giant
comfortable bed at a resort on a private
island truthfully we didn’t really sleep
we brought these giant heaping plates of
food in bed with us and we power ate
until we were practically sick and then
we’d nap and digest for an hour or so
and wake up again to eat some more and
all the while we laughed and we laughed
I real laughs I truly loved them
I finally belonged at one point in the
night I woke up it was probably about
2:00 a.m. I have no idea I hadn’t seen a
watch or a clock in over a month I was
no longer living that life of 15 minute
interval days I got up quietly in the
night and I went outside to look at the
Stars
those Fiji stars were incredible
that night I wasn’t tracking the moon as
it moved across the sky I was just
enjoying the stillness of the Stars the
surfer woke up to and he came out to me
and we embraced and that was the moment
that I cemented a final three deal with
him and I remember that moment so
vividly because at 2:00 a.m. or so I was
enjoying this still and the now of
course that final three didn’t happen
when only four players were left the
surfer was eliminated in a surprise
sudden-death challenge with the marine
and the marine went on to win the game I
came in second and sometimes now people
will tell me that they are so
disappointed that I lost the game
they are so disappointed that I lost but
you know I
don’t view it that way because when I
was out there on that island living on
nothing stripped of every regular
comfort without my family without clean
water in which to wash without regular
meals or privacy electricity or
technology when all of those things were
taken from me and I was forced to just
survive that’s when I realized that I
could do more than just survive I could
thrive in my case thriving did not mean
winning survivor thriving meant living
my todays without always needing more
living with thankfulness and gratitude
and joy and peace and acceptance and
feeling like I was enough yes planning
and preparing for tomorrow but fully
enjoying the beauty of today outside out
on that island I finally found my 24
karat golden aura I may not have one
survivor but I am proud of my game and I
am insanely thankful for simply having
the opportunity to play do not be
disappointed I did not lose six weeks
after returning home from Fiji my son
the same boy who had cried and cried
back in 2001 left for a summer service
trip to Australia he was now 16 years
old and one night the phone rang in the
middle of the night it was my son
calling from Australia asking permission
to go skydiving and every ounce of my
maternal being wanted to say no not now
too scary but I want to raise my
children to embrace their today’s so yes
I said have fun my love call me when you
land and during his 15 minute jump he
again cried out but this time it was
shrieks of joy and love and living and
thankfulness for the now as for me of
course the show somewhat forced on me
that old waiting game in some sense I
found myself waiting for the premiere
waiting for Wednesday’s waiting for the
finale when I would finally find out
whether I’d placed first or second or
third but this time it was a different
kind of waiting because while I was
waiting I was
living living a joyful life of today’s
with my family and feeling like I was
enough I now know that success and
achievement are not the same as
happiness people ask me all the time if
I would ever play survivor again yes no
maybe I’ll think about it if they ever
ask me I guess but for now I don’t want
to live a distracted life dreaming of
that next call or the next thing that I
think I need to make me whole because
now I’m not just surviving my life I’m
thriving and I know now that whatever I
am doing no matter how important or
insignificant I know that today is my
day thank you [Applause]
get through it
I remember back in 2001 when my second
son was born he cried a lot and by a lot
I mean all day long
my beautiful baby just cried and cried
and I’d wake up in the morning and the
first conscious thought that I’d have
every morning was that I just needed to
make it through the day
and so I’d break my day into 15-minute
increments I knew I could get through
just 15 minutes and when those 15
minutes were out my clock would reset
and I go just 15 more minutes and so on
throughout the day until I’d gotten
through my day 15 minutes at a time my
beautiful little baby and his older
brother who was also still a baby would
finally be asleep and I could at last
lay down for a few hours until I woke
again when my 15 minute interval day
started all over and this is how I live
nine months of my life back in 2001 my
son outgrew his crying and he became an
incredibly wonderful boy but I did not
outgrow my mindset I was stuck in this
limbo of simply surviving my life I was
so caught up in my day-to-day grind that
I just went through the motions passing
each today while dreaming of tomorrow
this was nothing new to me I remember as
a kid just trying to make it through the
marking period to winter break to summer
vacation just a few more days until my
pimple goes away or a few more months
until I’m not so awkward anymore in
college I loved college but it will be
better after I make it through this
class that I really don’t like also I’m
excited for spring break and my study
abroad I can’t wait for that that study
abroad was awful
then I just tried to make it through the
semester so I could come home again when
I started my job I was just making it
through the week until Friday which is
surprising when I think about it because
I loved my job but I guess I loved
Friday
it’s more I was making it until payday
until my promotion because I was excited
for that promotion I married the most
incredible man and then I couldn’t wait
until we could buy a house together
because then my life could really start
he told me that once we had a house then
we could have a baby and I wanted that
baby so badly so I waited for the house
and then I waited for the baby
our beautiful firstborn son and then I
waited for a second our second beautiful
boy and a third our perfect baby girl
and so I passed my life dreaming dreams
I knew I could make it to the next dream
I was one of the fortunate ones who
worked really hard but also had a bit of
luck so I kept reaching my dreams but as
I reached the next in the next milestone
the house the family the promotion the
office I never stopped to appreciate how
far I’d come or what I’d accomplished I
just came up with the next dream to
dream I just needed one more thing just
one more experience and the day’s became
months and the months became years and
all of a sudden I’m 46 years old still
dreaming my life away my friend and I
for kicks we went to a psychic once this
psychic told me I had a golden aura I
literally walked in the room and he
looked at me with these wide eyes and
said I had a golden aura I asked him
what he meant by that and his exact
words were very technical here so pay
attention you step in it turns to
gold
I could understand that because I knew I
was living this wonderful and blessed
life with an incredible husband and
these three amazing kids in this
gigantic career but to me my aura felt
like fool’s gold you see to me today was
just a holding day until tomorrow
tomorrow was my day tomorrow I’ll shine
I’m not so good today but you just wait
and see what I can be tomorrow in
February of last year my biggest and
craziest dream was finally going to be
realized it was something that I truly
never thought I’d cross off my bucket
list you see for 16 years I’ve been
applying to play survivor I’m sure many
of you know the game it’s one of the
most popular reality TV shows ever
created 18 or so strangers marooned on
an island forced to live together but
also to compete against each other
voting each other out of the game one by
one over 39 days until there is just one
sole survivor who has outwitted
outplayed and outlasted all the rest and
this sole survivor wins a million
dollars and in February of last year I
got that call that changed my life I had
been invited to play survivor finally I
would have my day and that morning last
April on a ship in the Fijian see when
my survivor game began it was the first
time in a long time that I wasn’t
dreaming of tomorrow instead at that
moment I simply wanted time to stop but
of course it didn’t it went on as time
does I remember jumping overboard and
swimming to the rowboat and eventually
landing on our beach with the other
people on my team and survivor teams are
called tribes and finding out that my
tribe of heroes included an NFL player a
firefighter an Olympian a marine and
ocean rescue I was an actuary and a mom
and I honestly had no idea why I was
there they had no idea why I was there
either they labeled me mom squad and
decided to vote me out as soon as we
lost a challenge but I put on a mask of
confidence and pretended I felt good
about today I
pretended I belonged on this tribe of
heroes but inside I just felt like my
aura was fool’s gold
and I knew if I could just make it till
tomorrow then tomorrow they’ll like me
tomorrow is my day that first day I was
so hungry and scared but I knew that
after getting a good sleep my stomach
would have grown tired of growling and
I’d feel less like an outsider first
night came and I remember I couldn’t
really sleep after all all my years I
spent watching Survivor
I never realized that sleeping in a
bamboo shelter felt like sleeping on
jagged concrete Fiji was hot in the day
but it was chilly at night so that first
night instead of getting that good sleep
instead I lay there cold and hungry on
jagged concrete and I watched the moon
move across the sky slowly moving across
the sky I just lay there waiting for
morning by morning neither my hunger nor
my exhaustion had subsided but I knew
that I’d feel better the next day
tomorrow I’ll learn how to sleep in our
shelter my stomach will stop growling
and these young people will like me
because tomorrow is my day by day three
we were at our first survivor challenge
I had waited 16 years to compete in a
survivor challenge but instead of being
excited I was terrified on day three
when we were running that challenge my
tribe competing against the other two
tribes I just wanted it to be over
because you see I’m not so good at this
one it’s the next one I can do I was so
afraid I actually threw up that was
awful my tribe ended up losing that
first challenge so now we had to vote
someone from our tribe out of the game I
just needed to make it a few more hours
past this first vote and I did and my
game went on I got through each day
waiting for one small meal waiting for
the challenge waiting for nighttime so I
could lay my head down and watch the
moon move across the sky I was living
out my dream as I lived my life just
waiting one more day one more challenge
one more vote not recognizing that I was
living
my dream today and all the while I
pretended I was confident so confident
but inside I knew my aura was just
fool’s gold today then on day 22 after
more than three weeks of waiting I had a
moment that literally changed my life
this moment was so brief didn’t even
make the edit there was a water
challenge this time we were competing
for a feast on a yacht and I had to swim
individually against a marine who was
more than a decade younger than I was
and I was absolutely freaking out on
that dock before it started because I
was 46 years old and not a swimmer and
today is not my day tomorrow is my day
but there was no way to fake this one
and I’m absolutely freaking out on that
dock when the hero firefighter looked me
straight in the eye and very calmly said
Krissy
just hold your mask dive in and swim
your little heart out and in that simple
phrase just dive in and swim your little
heart out my whole world skipped for a
moment it was like I woke up and I
realized that whatever I was that was
enough however I did that was okay I
didn’t have to wait for tomorrow my time
was now and so in that moment I just
dove in and I swam my little heart out I
swam to the dock and I climbed up the
giant ladder and I jumped into the ocean
below and I swam to the buoy and I don’t
under water and I untied the keys and
when I came up for air the doctor was
screaming Chrissie you’re winning
Chrissie you’re winning and yes I won my
swimming leg and our team won the feast
on the yacht that day that moment was a
turning point in my game when my game of
tomorrow’s became a game of today’s when
I finally felt like enough then I was it
didn’t always go my way of course there
were plenty of times that I found myself
on the outside of a vote or the outside
of an alliance but I managed to get
myself to the end today 39 by living
each day for today
joyfully and gratefully and that day
after I learned when I could just dive
in and swim my little heart out I went
on to win four individual immunity
challenges for I tied a record for the
most individual immunity wins by a woman
in Survivor history I was 46 the next
oldest person to do that was 29
the beauty of today showed itself not
only during the challenges but also
during the simple and quiet moments of
just surviving on that Island in Fiji
I remember one moment in the early
morning hours of day 35 the surfer and I
had won an overnight reward
we brought the bellhop with us the three
of us the actuary the surfer and the
bellhop we slept that night not on the
concrete bamboos but in a giant
comfortable bed at a resort on a private
island truthfully we didn’t really sleep
we brought these giant heaping plates of
food in bed with us and we power ate
until we were practically sick and then
we’d nap and digest for an hour or so
and wake up again to eat some more and
all the while we laughed and we laughed
I real laughs I truly loved them
I finally belonged at one point in the
night I woke up it was probably about
2:00 a.m. I have no idea I hadn’t seen a
watch or a clock in over a month I was
no longer living that life of 15 minute
interval days I got up quietly in the
night and I went outside to look at the
Stars
those Fiji stars were incredible
that night I wasn’t tracking the moon as
it moved across the sky I was just
enjoying the stillness of the Stars the
surfer woke up to and he came out to me
and we embraced and that was the moment
that I cemented a final three deal with
him and I remember that moment so
vividly because at 2:00 a.m. or so I was
enjoying this still and the now of
course that final three didn’t happen
when only four players were left the
surfer was eliminated in a surprise
sudden-death challenge with the marine
and the marine went on to win the game I
came in second and sometimes now people
will tell me that they are so
disappointed that I lost the game
they are so disappointed that I lost but
you know I
don’t view it that way because when I
was out there on that island living on
nothing stripped of every regular
comfort without my family without clean
water in which to wash without regular
meals or privacy electricity or
technology when all of those things were
taken from me and I was forced to just
survive that’s when I realized that I
could do more than just survive I could
thrive in my case thriving did not mean
winning survivor thriving meant living
my todays without always needing more
living with thankfulness and gratitude
and joy and peace and acceptance and
feeling like I was enough yes planning
and preparing for tomorrow but fully
enjoying the beauty of today outside out
on that island I finally found my 24
karat golden aura I may not have one
survivor but I am proud of my game and I
am insanely thankful for simply having
the opportunity to play do not be
disappointed I did not lose six weeks
after returning home from Fiji my son
the same boy who had cried and cried
back in 2001 left for a summer service
trip to Australia he was now 16 years
old and one night the phone rang in the
middle of the night it was my son
calling from Australia asking permission
to go skydiving and every ounce of my
maternal being wanted to say no not now
too scary but I want to raise my
children to embrace their today’s so yes
I said have fun my love call me when you
land and during his 15 minute jump he
again cried out but this time it was
shrieks of joy and love and living and
thankfulness for the now as for me of
course the show somewhat forced on me
that old waiting game in some sense I
found myself waiting for the premiere
waiting for Wednesday’s waiting for the
finale when I would finally find out
whether I’d placed first or second or
third but this time it was a different
kind of waiting because while I was
waiting I was
living living a joyful life of today’s
with my family and feeling like I was
enough I now know that success and
achievement are not the same as
happiness people ask me all the time if
I would ever play survivor again yes no
maybe I’ll think about it if they ever
ask me I guess but for now I don’t want
to live a distracted life dreaming of
that next call or the next thing that I
think I need to make me whole because
now I’m not just surviving my life I’m
thriving and I know now that whatever I
am doing no matter how important or
insignificant I know that today is my
day thank you [Applause]
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