picture a room in your home that you
never enter you don’t furnish it you
don’t clean it you have no idea what’s
in it but you know this much your child
spends about 10 hours a day in that room
with the door bolted shut
that is cyberspace what’s your child
doing in there
what’s being done to your child in there
are you okay with these questions going
unanswered I sit in my office and across
from me is this beautiful 15 year old
boy he’s got a Red Sox cap on backwards
his hands cover his face and what looks
like absolute shame and despair I asked
my standard opening therapist question
what brings you both here and as his
father starts to speak
I am fixated on the tears that are
dripping from this boy’s nose and chin
because boys young teenage boys in my
20-plus years as a therapist these boys
rarely cry in my office but this day was
different as the father started to
explain what it was that robbed him of
his once athletic and engaged and social
son I realized in that moment that the
event that changed this family forever
it was going to change me as well I’ve
sat with hundreds and hundreds of teens
and tweens and parents but this
50-minute hour this was unique and like
a lightning bolt to my brain I saw what
I would later recognize
my second life purpose so at 17 years
old I had no idea what my life purpose
was when it came time to choose a
college
I chose based on where I could ski not
on a ski team just recreational skiing
needless to say I was on academic
probation after my first year
apparently skiing seven days a week
wasn’t what everybody else was doing
they were all studying in the library
which I didn’t know we had on our campus
nor did I know where it was so at that
point I realized I needed to get serious
I needed to put the skis away pick up
the books maybe go to a class or two and
they needed to learn and I did I
finished a bachelor’s degree in
psychology went on to get a masters
degree in social work and I’d finally
figured out that my life purpose was to
help others so 20 years later in my
office with that boy and his father I
realized I was failing I was failing at
my own life purpose so like any good
therapist I then rushed off to my own
therapists office to admit my defeat I
walk in I sit down and she says what’s
going on and I said I don’t think I can
do this anymore she said tell me more I
said what I’m doing just isn’t big
enough helping teens and parents in the
aftermath of crisis it’s not enough
she’s just looking at me I said I want
to get to the before I want to get to
the place that maybe can prevent some of
the unnecessary pain and suffering that
I see at that point my therapist said
something to me and she said it in a way
I’ll never forget she leaned in and she
said Andrea you will never stop human
pain and our job is to walk with people
in their pain
so I’m sitting there I’m looking at her
she’s looking at me I’m a social worker
she’s a social worker I know what she’s
doing I know this trick and I’m not
having it and I also know that the very
next thing she’s going to do she’s gonna
tell me how I feel next thing she says
is you seem angry
he said you’re damn right I’m angry I
don’t want to just sit with people in
their pain some pain I get some pain we
just sit in it as therapist and some
lessons kids really need to learn the
hard way so that’s okay but I knew in my
heart that kids don’t have to suffer
with such intensity specifically since
2007 I have seen a dramatic increase in
both the severity in the frequency of
depression anxiety low self-esteem
suicidal ideation social isolation so I
started to ask why what’s happened
between 2007 and now why is it that the
teen suicide rate has doubled since 2007
why is it that admissions at children’s
psychiatric hospitals among 5 to 17 year
olds has more than doubled since 2008
what’s going on here why did a 12 year
old girl jump to her death from a water
tower and why did a 14 year old girl
livestream our own suicide so
started to look at the research and I
took a walk back in time the iPhone was
introduced in 2007 in 2006 Facebook
opened up its users to include 13 year
olds Twitter also came on the scene in
2006 and in 2010 we could all now take 9
million selfies and post them to a brand
new social media app called Instagram I
also learned that in 2015 for the first
time in 24 years the teen suicide rate
was higher than the teen homicide rate
is that because teens actually have to
be with one another to kill each other
and the number of kids who actually
spend time together live and in-person
with their friends has been cut in half
and if that’s the case
his social isolation and loneliness why
one in nine teenagers suffer from major
depression so the question became how am
I gonna get in front of all that how am
I gonna get in front of all that or how
am I gonna get to what I call the before
math so I realized they couldn’t so back
to the therapists office I go I walk in
sit down she’s doing her usual mm-hmm
nodding and booming and in that moment
in that moment with my therapist I
figured it out and I said it’s the
parents it’s the parents which is about
startled or off her chair I said it’s
the parents we have to figure out a way
to get the parents into that empty room
but how was I gonna get the parents into
that empty room how was I going to get
them the key without them crowding out
their child and squeezing their
developmental task of individuation
identity development how was I gonna do
that so at that point my therapist did
the most taboo thing you can do as a
therapist and you all know this if
you’ve ever been to therapy she looked
at her watch she tried to hide it
straight up looked at her watch
I’d been in there for five minutes she
wasn’t buying a word of what I was
saying I could tell not a word not a
word so but later when I was reflecting
on my session with her I realized that I
never told her the analogy of the empty
room and the key so I think she thought
I was losing my mind literally losing my
mind
shortly after that the world gave me
exactly what I needed
isn’t it amazing how that happens the
world always gives us exactly what we
need and it gave me what I needed which
is now my second life purpose I was
asked to join a startup called social
judo as their chief parenting officer
and social judo is a parenting tool it’s
an app it allows parents to get in front
of the buses that keep crashing into
families everywhere and unlike other
parenting tools for your child
smartphone social judo is different in
that all it does is send alerts just
sends an alert to a parents phone about
the things that are of concern no spying
on your child no scrolling through their
devices just alerts so if your child is
getting cyber bullied or if your child
Google’s something about suicide or if
your 12 year old boy is looking to
satisfy some of his curiosities around
sex and he’s using a smartphone to do
that parents will now get an alert and
that creates the parenting moment and
that is the key to the empty room now
you’ve all seen the consequences of the
un– parented world of cyberspace
cyberbullying cases that lead to teens
taking their own lives sexting scandals
that lead to universities were sending
in missions the stuff we read about
every single day and finally there is a
tool there’s a tool which gives kids the
room to make mistakes but lets parents
step in when those mistakes are too big
and I’ve been asked to be a part of it
which I consider a true honor
so back to that room in your home in
that room sits that 15 year old boy Red
Sox cap on backwards he fell in love for
the first time with a sweet 16 year old
girl who lived across the country they
met on social media and had an intense
year long relationship they never met in
person but countless hours of chatting
getting to know each other supporting
one another there was what this boy
thought was true love so after a series
of red flags his parents started to get
concerned he was becoming more withdrawn
isolating from his friends his grades
were dropping so finally his parents
decided to enter the room and what they
found was that his sweet 16 year old
girlfriend was actually a 48 year old
pedophile living in upstate New York so
in front of me
the bus has crashed into this now
suicidal boy the father has a plan to
find and kill the perpetrator I’m trying
to pick up the shattered pieces and I’m
sitting right in the middle of the
aftermath again that room is cyberspace
and that room is right here four and a
half inches by about two and a half
inches and that room sits in the palm of
your child’s hand 24 hours a day seven
days a week and you need the key because
your kids need you to step on the brakes
for them until they’re developmentally
ready to handle many of the situations
that they encounter right here
so remember when you were a kid rolling
around in the back your parents car
windows were probably closed and someone
was smoking
nobody was wearing a seatbelt remember I
could just picture my mother in the BMW
with the merit ultralights and the dying
back there remember remember when we
were kids riding our bikes all over town
nobody wore helmets right yet today
seatbelts and helmets are expected and
those who don’t use them are considered
unless but back then our parents just
didn’t know any better they didn’t know
that what they were doing was harmful to
their kids and then the research and the
statistics prove them wrong so it’s okay
to learn some things the hard way right
like beer before liquor never sicker I
learned that one in college I think too
it’s okay to learn the hard way that
skiing your way through college probably
isn’t going to work I had to experience
that one to learn it and maybe it’s okay
to learn the hard way that a career
spent in treating but not preventing
catastrophic life events isn’t your true
calling I to experience that one too
before I learned it
but using seatbelts wearing helmets and
protecting your child from those who may
harm them through their smartphone
these aren’t lessons we can allow anyone
to learn the hard way and the way I see
it it’s on all of us not to just kind of
ski through this one it’s on all of us
to take the simple steps to use the very
accessible means to be smarter to be
present and to parent our kids in the
space they occupy most because like
helmets and seat belts the time is here
thank you
[Applause]
you
never enter you don’t furnish it you
don’t clean it you have no idea what’s
in it but you know this much your child
spends about 10 hours a day in that room
with the door bolted shut
that is cyberspace what’s your child
doing in there
what’s being done to your child in there
are you okay with these questions going
unanswered I sit in my office and across
from me is this beautiful 15 year old
boy he’s got a Red Sox cap on backwards
his hands cover his face and what looks
like absolute shame and despair I asked
my standard opening therapist question
what brings you both here and as his
father starts to speak
I am fixated on the tears that are
dripping from this boy’s nose and chin
because boys young teenage boys in my
20-plus years as a therapist these boys
rarely cry in my office but this day was
different as the father started to
explain what it was that robbed him of
his once athletic and engaged and social
son I realized in that moment that the
event that changed this family forever
it was going to change me as well I’ve
sat with hundreds and hundreds of teens
and tweens and parents but this
50-minute hour this was unique and like
a lightning bolt to my brain I saw what
I would later recognize
my second life purpose so at 17 years
old I had no idea what my life purpose
was when it came time to choose a
college
I chose based on where I could ski not
on a ski team just recreational skiing
needless to say I was on academic
probation after my first year
apparently skiing seven days a week
wasn’t what everybody else was doing
they were all studying in the library
which I didn’t know we had on our campus
nor did I know where it was so at that
point I realized I needed to get serious
I needed to put the skis away pick up
the books maybe go to a class or two and
they needed to learn and I did I
finished a bachelor’s degree in
psychology went on to get a masters
degree in social work and I’d finally
figured out that my life purpose was to
help others so 20 years later in my
office with that boy and his father I
realized I was failing I was failing at
my own life purpose so like any good
therapist I then rushed off to my own
therapists office to admit my defeat I
walk in I sit down and she says what’s
going on and I said I don’t think I can
do this anymore she said tell me more I
said what I’m doing just isn’t big
enough helping teens and parents in the
aftermath of crisis it’s not enough
she’s just looking at me I said I want
to get to the before I want to get to
the place that maybe can prevent some of
the unnecessary pain and suffering that
I see at that point my therapist said
something to me and she said it in a way
I’ll never forget she leaned in and she
said Andrea you will never stop human
pain and our job is to walk with people
in their pain
so I’m sitting there I’m looking at her
she’s looking at me I’m a social worker
she’s a social worker I know what she’s
doing I know this trick and I’m not
having it and I also know that the very
next thing she’s going to do she’s gonna
tell me how I feel next thing she says
is you seem angry
he said you’re damn right I’m angry I
don’t want to just sit with people in
their pain some pain I get some pain we
just sit in it as therapist and some
lessons kids really need to learn the
hard way so that’s okay but I knew in my
heart that kids don’t have to suffer
with such intensity specifically since
2007 I have seen a dramatic increase in
both the severity in the frequency of
depression anxiety low self-esteem
suicidal ideation social isolation so I
started to ask why what’s happened
between 2007 and now why is it that the
teen suicide rate has doubled since 2007
why is it that admissions at children’s
psychiatric hospitals among 5 to 17 year
olds has more than doubled since 2008
what’s going on here why did a 12 year
old girl jump to her death from a water
tower and why did a 14 year old girl
livestream our own suicide so
started to look at the research and I
took a walk back in time the iPhone was
introduced in 2007 in 2006 Facebook
opened up its users to include 13 year
olds Twitter also came on the scene in
2006 and in 2010 we could all now take 9
million selfies and post them to a brand
new social media app called Instagram I
also learned that in 2015 for the first
time in 24 years the teen suicide rate
was higher than the teen homicide rate
is that because teens actually have to
be with one another to kill each other
and the number of kids who actually
spend time together live and in-person
with their friends has been cut in half
and if that’s the case
his social isolation and loneliness why
one in nine teenagers suffer from major
depression so the question became how am
I gonna get in front of all that how am
I gonna get in front of all that or how
am I gonna get to what I call the before
math so I realized they couldn’t so back
to the therapists office I go I walk in
sit down she’s doing her usual mm-hmm
nodding and booming and in that moment
in that moment with my therapist I
figured it out and I said it’s the
parents it’s the parents which is about
startled or off her chair I said it’s
the parents we have to figure out a way
to get the parents into that empty room
but how was I gonna get the parents into
that empty room how was I going to get
them the key without them crowding out
their child and squeezing their
developmental task of individuation
identity development how was I gonna do
that so at that point my therapist did
the most taboo thing you can do as a
therapist and you all know this if
you’ve ever been to therapy she looked
at her watch she tried to hide it
straight up looked at her watch
I’d been in there for five minutes she
wasn’t buying a word of what I was
saying I could tell not a word not a
word so but later when I was reflecting
on my session with her I realized that I
never told her the analogy of the empty
room and the key so I think she thought
I was losing my mind literally losing my
mind
shortly after that the world gave me
exactly what I needed
isn’t it amazing how that happens the
world always gives us exactly what we
need and it gave me what I needed which
is now my second life purpose I was
asked to join a startup called social
judo as their chief parenting officer
and social judo is a parenting tool it’s
an app it allows parents to get in front
of the buses that keep crashing into
families everywhere and unlike other
parenting tools for your child
smartphone social judo is different in
that all it does is send alerts just
sends an alert to a parents phone about
the things that are of concern no spying
on your child no scrolling through their
devices just alerts so if your child is
getting cyber bullied or if your child
Google’s something about suicide or if
your 12 year old boy is looking to
satisfy some of his curiosities around
sex and he’s using a smartphone to do
that parents will now get an alert and
that creates the parenting moment and
that is the key to the empty room now
you’ve all seen the consequences of the
un– parented world of cyberspace
cyberbullying cases that lead to teens
taking their own lives sexting scandals
that lead to universities were sending
in missions the stuff we read about
every single day and finally there is a
tool there’s a tool which gives kids the
room to make mistakes but lets parents
step in when those mistakes are too big
and I’ve been asked to be a part of it
which I consider a true honor
so back to that room in your home in
that room sits that 15 year old boy Red
Sox cap on backwards he fell in love for
the first time with a sweet 16 year old
girl who lived across the country they
met on social media and had an intense
year long relationship they never met in
person but countless hours of chatting
getting to know each other supporting
one another there was what this boy
thought was true love so after a series
of red flags his parents started to get
concerned he was becoming more withdrawn
isolating from his friends his grades
were dropping so finally his parents
decided to enter the room and what they
found was that his sweet 16 year old
girlfriend was actually a 48 year old
pedophile living in upstate New York so
in front of me
the bus has crashed into this now
suicidal boy the father has a plan to
find and kill the perpetrator I’m trying
to pick up the shattered pieces and I’m
sitting right in the middle of the
aftermath again that room is cyberspace
and that room is right here four and a
half inches by about two and a half
inches and that room sits in the palm of
your child’s hand 24 hours a day seven
days a week and you need the key because
your kids need you to step on the brakes
for them until they’re developmentally
ready to handle many of the situations
that they encounter right here
so remember when you were a kid rolling
around in the back your parents car
windows were probably closed and someone
was smoking
nobody was wearing a seatbelt remember I
could just picture my mother in the BMW
with the merit ultralights and the dying
back there remember remember when we
were kids riding our bikes all over town
nobody wore helmets right yet today
seatbelts and helmets are expected and
those who don’t use them are considered
unless but back then our parents just
didn’t know any better they didn’t know
that what they were doing was harmful to
their kids and then the research and the
statistics prove them wrong so it’s okay
to learn some things the hard way right
like beer before liquor never sicker I
learned that one in college I think too
it’s okay to learn the hard way that
skiing your way through college probably
isn’t going to work I had to experience
that one to learn it and maybe it’s okay
to learn the hard way that a career
spent in treating but not preventing
catastrophic life events isn’t your true
calling I to experience that one too
before I learned it
but using seatbelts wearing helmets and
protecting your child from those who may
harm them through their smartphone
these aren’t lessons we can allow anyone
to learn the hard way and the way I see
it it’s on all of us not to just kind of
ski through this one it’s on all of us
to take the simple steps to use the very
accessible means to be smarter to be
present and to parent our kids in the
space they occupy most because like
helmets and seat belts the time is here
thank you
[Applause]
you
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