my first sexual encounter happened when
I was seven years old and nothing about
it made me feel loved it would be the
first time I would ever truly feel weak
helpless and alone until then I believe
love made you feel good
cared for protected and happy loved look
like my mom taking care of me after I
crashed my bike it was a hug from a
friend or sharing your favorite food at
seven years old love was not supposed to
that same feeling would be reinforced to
the age of 15 when I would be sexually
abused for the second time I learned at
a young age people you trust can do
horrible things to you and when that
lesson was learned it made it very
difficult for me to trust any people
anyone especially other males I became
afraid to express love because I thought
if I did someone would find a way to
hurt me I believed I would be safe if I
didn’t let anyone in emotionally that
would become my belief system for any
relationship I would have for more than
20 years I knew I had love to give and I
felt if I controlled who had access to
it I would be safe happy and loved in
return
so many of us are afraid to be hurt by
anyone and that includes people we love
and believe to love us we live in a
world that feeds on fear and we mask
that fear by saying we’re protecting
ourselves or being cautious and aware we
have conditioned ourselves to think
having control is a necessity what we
don’t realize is that by living from a
place of fear and control we are
limiting the love we give and receive on
November 9th 2016 much of the country
was covered by a blanket of fear and
anger
in the days that followed that fear and
anger spread like a wildfire through
homes offices and across social media I
even felt myself sinking into an
emotional quicksand and I decided very
quickly I had to find a way to exist in
his new reality without being
overwhelmed by what was happening around
me what I saw were people afraid of what
the future might bring and being afraid
of what may happen we aren’t able to
live in the love of what is happening
I repeat being afraid of what may happen
we aren’t able to live in the love of
what is happening two days later on
November 11th I decided to become a
soldier of love the merriam-webster
dictionary defines a soldier as one
engaged in military service and
especially the army it is also defined
as a crafted and skilled warrior love is
define a soldier of love as someone who
acknowledges how fear controls you and
still chooses to live from a place of
love instead of fear again a soldier of
love is someone who acknowledges how
fear controls you and still chooses to
live from a place of love instead of
fear now I have never fought in the
battle of war but I have fought in the
battle of sexual abuse and as I
mentioned before it left me feeling weak
helpless and alone you don’t have to be
a soldier in the military or even a
survivor of sexual abuse to know how it
feels to be weak helpless and alone
those feelings are universal and we will
all share them at some point in our
lives now let’s go back to November 2016
with each conversation I heard and every
social media post that I read I saw
people reacting from a place of fear and
anger and I knew one thing to be true
for myself I have no idea how to keep
anyone from feeling
what I do know is how to give love for
years I withheld love out of the fear of
being vulnerable and taken advantage of
and after intense emotional therapy I
was able to see that love has no limits
the only limits that exist for love are
those that we impose on it and when I
was able to embrace my own vulnerability
I was able to release those limits in
therapy I was also able to extend
compassion towards myself I didn’t know
how to wholly love me which made it even
more difficult for me to believe that
someone else could it was also so hard
had to become a soldier of love for
myself to save myself there’s a quote
from the famous drag queen RuPaul which
states wait for it if you can’t love
yourself how in the hell you’re gonna
it’s so true it all starts with us
loving ourselves and when we are able to
fully do that we are able to live in the
love of what is happening not the fear
of what may happen I’m not saying that
we will be without fear but our
being your own soldier of love means
being a skilled warrior at loving
yourself your imperfections your
weaknesses and all there is no shortcut
through fear and darkness we have to
face it with love acknowledge it move
through it in order to get to the light
that is on the other side and when we’re
able to do that we can live in the love
of what is happening instead of the fear
of what may happen I give you love not
because I know you or because I expect
it from you
but because I have it to give I want you
to have it and because I am a soldier of
[Music] you
I was seven years old and nothing about
it made me feel loved it would be the
first time I would ever truly feel weak
helpless and alone until then I believe
love made you feel good
cared for protected and happy loved look
like my mom taking care of me after I
crashed my bike it was a hug from a
friend or sharing your favorite food at
seven years old love was not supposed to
that same feeling would be reinforced to
the age of 15 when I would be sexually
abused for the second time I learned at
a young age people you trust can do
horrible things to you and when that
lesson was learned it made it very
difficult for me to trust any people
anyone especially other males I became
afraid to express love because I thought
if I did someone would find a way to
hurt me I believed I would be safe if I
didn’t let anyone in emotionally that
would become my belief system for any
relationship I would have for more than
20 years I knew I had love to give and I
felt if I controlled who had access to
it I would be safe happy and loved in
return
so many of us are afraid to be hurt by
anyone and that includes people we love
and believe to love us we live in a
world that feeds on fear and we mask
that fear by saying we’re protecting
ourselves or being cautious and aware we
have conditioned ourselves to think
having control is a necessity what we
don’t realize is that by living from a
place of fear and control we are
limiting the love we give and receive on
November 9th 2016 much of the country
was covered by a blanket of fear and
anger
in the days that followed that fear and
anger spread like a wildfire through
homes offices and across social media I
even felt myself sinking into an
emotional quicksand and I decided very
quickly I had to find a way to exist in
his new reality without being
overwhelmed by what was happening around
me what I saw were people afraid of what
the future might bring and being afraid
of what may happen we aren’t able to
live in the love of what is happening
I repeat being afraid of what may happen
we aren’t able to live in the love of
what is happening two days later on
November 11th I decided to become a
soldier of love the merriam-webster
dictionary defines a soldier as one
engaged in military service and
especially the army it is also defined
as a crafted and skilled warrior love is
define a soldier of love as someone who
acknowledges how fear controls you and
still chooses to live from a place of
love instead of fear again a soldier of
love is someone who acknowledges how
fear controls you and still chooses to
live from a place of love instead of
fear now I have never fought in the
battle of war but I have fought in the
battle of sexual abuse and as I
mentioned before it left me feeling weak
helpless and alone you don’t have to be
a soldier in the military or even a
survivor of sexual abuse to know how it
feels to be weak helpless and alone
those feelings are universal and we will
all share them at some point in our
lives now let’s go back to November 2016
with each conversation I heard and every
social media post that I read I saw
people reacting from a place of fear and
anger and I knew one thing to be true
for myself I have no idea how to keep
anyone from feeling
what I do know is how to give love for
years I withheld love out of the fear of
being vulnerable and taken advantage of
and after intense emotional therapy I
was able to see that love has no limits
the only limits that exist for love are
those that we impose on it and when I
was able to embrace my own vulnerability
I was able to release those limits in
therapy I was also able to extend
compassion towards myself I didn’t know
how to wholly love me which made it even
more difficult for me to believe that
someone else could it was also so hard
had to become a soldier of love for
myself to save myself there’s a quote
from the famous drag queen RuPaul which
states wait for it if you can’t love
yourself how in the hell you’re gonna
it’s so true it all starts with us
loving ourselves and when we are able to
fully do that we are able to live in the
love of what is happening not the fear
of what may happen I’m not saying that
we will be without fear but our
being your own soldier of love means
being a skilled warrior at loving
yourself your imperfections your
weaknesses and all there is no shortcut
through fear and darkness we have to
face it with love acknowledge it move
through it in order to get to the light
that is on the other side and when we’re
able to do that we can live in the love
of what is happening instead of the fear
of what may happen I give you love not
because I know you or because I expect
it from you
but because I have it to give I want you
to have it and because I am a soldier of
[Music] you
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