[Applause]
good morning my name is Joanna fortune
I’m truly delighted to be here with you
today and I’m going to talk about our
shame society but before I start I want
to do a quick show of hands just to see
where we’re starting from
who here has ever done or said anything
that they’re ashamed about come on okay
and who here has ever done or said
anything shaming about someone else when
they’ve done something you didn’t
approve of little harder to own up to
that one but that’s a lot of hands mine
included I’ve had a professional
interest in the topic of shame
throughout my career but as I began to
work more and more with young people and
gain more insight into how they relate
and into their world my interest
intensified I remember being in a school
I was giving a talk two seconds
third-year students so 14 15 year-old
girls on the topic of shame and empathy
as part of the talk I had written out
all of these social scenarios on
flipchart paper I laid them out around
the room and I gave each student a
handful of blue squares and green
squares and I asked them to go around
and to place a blue or green square on
each scenario blue if you thought it was
socially unacceptable and green if you
thought it was acceptable one of the
scenarios that I used was around your
friend is drunk at a party and she’s
hooking up with a guy that you know she
wouldn’t talk to if she was sober
footage is taken and it goes viral now
I’ll admit I really anticipated that the
girls would show empathy for their
fellow student their friend and they
would cover this one in blue squares
deeming it socially unacceptable but as
you can see that’s not actually what
happened about 50% of the students
deemed that scenario to be socially
acceptable to them when we talked about
it afterwards
they felt that that girl was responsible
not only for the footage being taken but
the fact that it was shared because she
was drunk they simply couldn’t see it
another way and as we talked a little
bit more about as
huge number of these of this 50%
admitted that they would feel justified
in sharing their footage about their
friend if only to teach her a lesson
now I’m not actually telling you this
story to shock you although it may well
have that effect nor am i holding these
girls up as a microcosm of what’s wrong
in today’s society because I don’t
believe that to be true I do believe
that these girls can give us insight
into what it’s like to grow up in a
shame society today and I want to say a
little bit more about that but before I
do we have to start from the place of
acknowledging that shame is a normal
healthy albeit unpleasant human emotion
we all experience it unless you’re
Psychopaths but then I’d be here doing
an entirely different TEDx talk today
what we have to look at with shame is
the impact that it has and it comes in
two forms Charles Darwin spoke about how
healthy shame was indicated by blushing
or what we commonly refer to as going
red
moreover he saw the fact that we blush
is the thing that separates humans from
animals blushing indicates our
discomfort in a situation our discomfort
of having made an error and feeling that
allows us to make amends for that
mistake that’s healthy shame in talking
about the other kind of shame toxic
shame I’m going to rely on the words of
Carl Jung who described shame as a soul
eating emotion he’s talking about that
instinct that is stirred up in us when
were in an uncomfortable situation that
makes us want to run and hide from it
that makes us want to deny or minimize
its impact and push it away from
ourselves and on to somebody else
you see toxic shame is very very
difficult to contain within ourselves
and that’s what makes us want to project
it outwards we feel compelled to
evacuate it to eliminate it from
ourselves and we seek to locate that on
somebody else that we can say it’s their
fault
it wasn’t me they made me do it you see
toxic shame based people
cannot risk showing vulnerability they
cannot afford to show emotions or
uncertainty things that for most of us
underpin our everyday lives that guide
us motivate us focus us this is the
essential difference between healthy and
toxic shame toxic shame is a focus on
the self I am bad
whereas healthy shame is a focus on
behavior I have done a bad thing or I
have behaved badly healthy shame might
embarrass us what toxic shame will
mortify us let me put that another way
imagine as I’m talking to you here today
there’s a little table here with a glass
of water on us and I’m talking and just
stick you late and wildly to make my
points and in doing so I knock that
glass of water onto the floor if I
experience healthy shame in response to
that I will become embarrassed I will
blush I will quickly move to pick up the
glass clean up the water I will move the
glass in from the edge of the table to
make sure it doesn’t happen again and I
will get myself back on track however if
I experience toxic shame in response to
that event when the glass spills I’ll
freeze I will think that you’re all
looking at me and judging me I will
think that you think I did that on
purpose I set out to destroy the floor
the floor is going to have to be
replaced and I should never be given
water again ok sounds crazy but that’s
the thinking that goes behind it
now I want to go back a bit to that
piece around projecting one’s shame
outwards and I want to take it a step
further and look at how does that
contribute to a shame society and
moreover what does a shame society look
like in 2017 now a shame Society is not
a new concept far from us and you’d all
be forgiven for associating such ideas
with religious practices or high moral
cultures where we tend to see low levels
of Tolerance with a high value placed on
honor think of India where even being
raped can be described as being robbed
of one’s honour think of China another
well-known shame versus honour culture
universe
think of Ireland
when the church exerted more control
over how we lived our lives something
that isn’t that long ago in our history
and the reverberations of which can
still be felt in society today these are
good examples of how a shame Society and
how the shame in us along with that
associated fear of ostracization are
used to control the people in society
where the focus is always on shame
versus honor in these societies the fear
and shame of being ostracized from your
societal group serves as a control
mechanism over your behavior
well what about today’s Ireland’s what
about today’s society in general have we
freed ourselves from our shackles of
shame I don’t think so
I think that we very much still hang on
to it but I do think it has it has
evolved think of an area of our lives
today of all of our lives something that
we might actually be addicted to or at
least show a very strong compulsion
towards a place where we can be
ourselves or better again we can be
anyone we want saying anything we want
to anyone we want any guesses where am i
talking about so yeah social media if
you have a social media account you are
engaged in a shame Society
I know it’s a very uncomfortable truth
for all of us but when you think about
us social media brings out
simultaneously the very best and the
very worst in each of us while shining a
light on what shames society looks like
look at the myriads of examples of
people who have sent a snap a tweets a
message a post and within 24 hours seen
their lives or a very least their
reputations completely destroyed by
online vigilantes
there is no end of high profile examples
of this happening but there are many
more minor cases as well of somebody who
has simply done or said something stupid
online and has gotten attacked by their
online herd mentality often who shared
the first ill-considered message to make
sure as many people as possible see it
and can join in with teaching that
person how wrong they are to think the
way they do how dare you think
differently to the majority’s seems to
be the justification for that online
shaming social media has so many
benefits it can have be such a positive
and wonderful place but you know what it
can also be a lonely scary cruel
devastating place with at times ruinous
consequences for anyone who dares not
follow the social and moral script of
the group for anyone who doesn’t fit in
and that leads me to wonder if social
media has in fact validated the shame
society perhaps and then i en’t think
back to those girls that i told you
about at the start those girls who were
so quick to normalize shame in their
lives and I’m wondering is that what has
happened to us we have actually
normalized shame to the point that we
accepted without even acknowledging its
presence how scary a thought is that how
could that have happened and moreover
has that seeped from the virtual into
the real world perhaps but what we do
know for certain is that online shaming
is most effective when it is done by a
group rather than by an individual
Sigmund Freud spoke about a herd
mentality he describes how an
individual’s emotional impulses are too
weak to amount to anything significant
by themselves so the impulses are
entirely dependent on reinforcement of
their group here we will see that
members of the group in these form
online bubbles and clusters and in these
clusters an individual may find that
their one lonely voice or opinion
suddenly seems amplified because you see
the members of the group share not only
a passion for their common cause they
also share a rage against anyone who
dares to challenge challenge their
position on that cause or deviate from
their position on that course in fact a
deviating thought statement or opinion
will very quickly be screengrabs hashed
act shared on by all members of the
group thereby ensuring that that
dissenting voice is suitably chastised
for daring to air an alternative view
this is very very difficult way of
communicating because what happens is
that there can be no learning for either
the individual or the group with the
individual simply getting shouted down
online and what you see happen is that
both sides then retreat clinging tighter
to their version of the truth believing
it to have been reinforced by the
interaction they’ve just had modern
shames Society is a highly sensitive
highly judgmental highly intolerant one
and while we like to think that we are
living in our most informed time when we
have access to more information than
ever before and we like to see ourselves
as a more tolerant society than anything
that has come before us when you scratch
the surface you see that actually it’s
intolerance that dominates and that’s
quite a worrying port in this day and
age so what I’m saying is that in our
most informed time we have become more
judgmental and more intolerant of anyone
who does says or thinks differently to
us in this new shame society we will see
how little originality and personal
courage are to be found online I saw
this tweet last week online I’m sure
it’s written tongue-in-cheek but it also
kind of embodies what we’re here saying
today because you see in these online
prisms that form an individual will feel
very much alone incomplete and exposed
and vulnerable without their group they
will carefully guard their thoughts
their words for fear that they might
accidentally transgress some norm that
the group has brought into existence
their strength in numbers and these
clusters will amplify their voices for
them remember that so what we are seeing
in today’s shame society is that not
only does it still exist it has very
much evolved in our digital age I’m
going to end this talk today by leaving
everyone watching it with a challenge I
want everybody to be honest with them
sells about their relationship with
healthy and toxic shame I want you to
take time off line put down the screens
get outside into the real world into the
right here right now of the world think
before you hashtag we have got to get
better at talking reading reflecting
before we respond without going online
first to see how did everybody else
respond before we formulate our own
opinion what this is going to mean is
that not only can we never eradicate
shame because after all it is a
fundamental part of each and every one
of us we’re never going to eradicate it
but it will allow us to break free from
that herd mentality that allows a shame
society to exist and that’s what we want
thank you
[Applause]
[Music]
good morning my name is Joanna fortune
I’m truly delighted to be here with you
today and I’m going to talk about our
shame society but before I start I want
to do a quick show of hands just to see
where we’re starting from
who here has ever done or said anything
that they’re ashamed about come on okay
and who here has ever done or said
anything shaming about someone else when
they’ve done something you didn’t
approve of little harder to own up to
that one but that’s a lot of hands mine
included I’ve had a professional
interest in the topic of shame
throughout my career but as I began to
work more and more with young people and
gain more insight into how they relate
and into their world my interest
intensified I remember being in a school
I was giving a talk two seconds
third-year students so 14 15 year-old
girls on the topic of shame and empathy
as part of the talk I had written out
all of these social scenarios on
flipchart paper I laid them out around
the room and I gave each student a
handful of blue squares and green
squares and I asked them to go around
and to place a blue or green square on
each scenario blue if you thought it was
socially unacceptable and green if you
thought it was acceptable one of the
scenarios that I used was around your
friend is drunk at a party and she’s
hooking up with a guy that you know she
wouldn’t talk to if she was sober
footage is taken and it goes viral now
I’ll admit I really anticipated that the
girls would show empathy for their
fellow student their friend and they
would cover this one in blue squares
deeming it socially unacceptable but as
you can see that’s not actually what
happened about 50% of the students
deemed that scenario to be socially
acceptable to them when we talked about
it afterwards
they felt that that girl was responsible
not only for the footage being taken but
the fact that it was shared because she
was drunk they simply couldn’t see it
another way and as we talked a little
bit more about as
huge number of these of this 50%
admitted that they would feel justified
in sharing their footage about their
friend if only to teach her a lesson
now I’m not actually telling you this
story to shock you although it may well
have that effect nor am i holding these
girls up as a microcosm of what’s wrong
in today’s society because I don’t
believe that to be true I do believe
that these girls can give us insight
into what it’s like to grow up in a
shame society today and I want to say a
little bit more about that but before I
do we have to start from the place of
acknowledging that shame is a normal
healthy albeit unpleasant human emotion
we all experience it unless you’re
Psychopaths but then I’d be here doing
an entirely different TEDx talk today
what we have to look at with shame is
the impact that it has and it comes in
two forms Charles Darwin spoke about how
healthy shame was indicated by blushing
or what we commonly refer to as going
red
moreover he saw the fact that we blush
is the thing that separates humans from
animals blushing indicates our
discomfort in a situation our discomfort
of having made an error and feeling that
allows us to make amends for that
mistake that’s healthy shame in talking
about the other kind of shame toxic
shame I’m going to rely on the words of
Carl Jung who described shame as a soul
eating emotion he’s talking about that
instinct that is stirred up in us when
were in an uncomfortable situation that
makes us want to run and hide from it
that makes us want to deny or minimize
its impact and push it away from
ourselves and on to somebody else
you see toxic shame is very very
difficult to contain within ourselves
and that’s what makes us want to project
it outwards we feel compelled to
evacuate it to eliminate it from
ourselves and we seek to locate that on
somebody else that we can say it’s their
fault
it wasn’t me they made me do it you see
toxic shame based people
cannot risk showing vulnerability they
cannot afford to show emotions or
uncertainty things that for most of us
underpin our everyday lives that guide
us motivate us focus us this is the
essential difference between healthy and
toxic shame toxic shame is a focus on
the self I am bad
whereas healthy shame is a focus on
behavior I have done a bad thing or I
have behaved badly healthy shame might
embarrass us what toxic shame will
mortify us let me put that another way
imagine as I’m talking to you here today
there’s a little table here with a glass
of water on us and I’m talking and just
stick you late and wildly to make my
points and in doing so I knock that
glass of water onto the floor if I
experience healthy shame in response to
that I will become embarrassed I will
blush I will quickly move to pick up the
glass clean up the water I will move the
glass in from the edge of the table to
make sure it doesn’t happen again and I
will get myself back on track however if
I experience toxic shame in response to
that event when the glass spills I’ll
freeze I will think that you’re all
looking at me and judging me I will
think that you think I did that on
purpose I set out to destroy the floor
the floor is going to have to be
replaced and I should never be given
water again ok sounds crazy but that’s
the thinking that goes behind it
now I want to go back a bit to that
piece around projecting one’s shame
outwards and I want to take it a step
further and look at how does that
contribute to a shame society and
moreover what does a shame society look
like in 2017 now a shame Society is not
a new concept far from us and you’d all
be forgiven for associating such ideas
with religious practices or high moral
cultures where we tend to see low levels
of Tolerance with a high value placed on
honor think of India where even being
raped can be described as being robbed
of one’s honour think of China another
well-known shame versus honour culture
universe
think of Ireland
when the church exerted more control
over how we lived our lives something
that isn’t that long ago in our history
and the reverberations of which can
still be felt in society today these are
good examples of how a shame Society and
how the shame in us along with that
associated fear of ostracization are
used to control the people in society
where the focus is always on shame
versus honor in these societies the fear
and shame of being ostracized from your
societal group serves as a control
mechanism over your behavior
well what about today’s Ireland’s what
about today’s society in general have we
freed ourselves from our shackles of
shame I don’t think so
I think that we very much still hang on
to it but I do think it has it has
evolved think of an area of our lives
today of all of our lives something that
we might actually be addicted to or at
least show a very strong compulsion
towards a place where we can be
ourselves or better again we can be
anyone we want saying anything we want
to anyone we want any guesses where am i
talking about so yeah social media if
you have a social media account you are
engaged in a shame Society
I know it’s a very uncomfortable truth
for all of us but when you think about
us social media brings out
simultaneously the very best and the
very worst in each of us while shining a
light on what shames society looks like
look at the myriads of examples of
people who have sent a snap a tweets a
message a post and within 24 hours seen
their lives or a very least their
reputations completely destroyed by
online vigilantes
there is no end of high profile examples
of this happening but there are many
more minor cases as well of somebody who
has simply done or said something stupid
online and has gotten attacked by their
online herd mentality often who shared
the first ill-considered message to make
sure as many people as possible see it
and can join in with teaching that
person how wrong they are to think the
way they do how dare you think
differently to the majority’s seems to
be the justification for that online
shaming social media has so many
benefits it can have be such a positive
and wonderful place but you know what it
can also be a lonely scary cruel
devastating place with at times ruinous
consequences for anyone who dares not
follow the social and moral script of
the group for anyone who doesn’t fit in
and that leads me to wonder if social
media has in fact validated the shame
society perhaps and then i en’t think
back to those girls that i told you
about at the start those girls who were
so quick to normalize shame in their
lives and I’m wondering is that what has
happened to us we have actually
normalized shame to the point that we
accepted without even acknowledging its
presence how scary a thought is that how
could that have happened and moreover
has that seeped from the virtual into
the real world perhaps but what we do
know for certain is that online shaming
is most effective when it is done by a
group rather than by an individual
Sigmund Freud spoke about a herd
mentality he describes how an
individual’s emotional impulses are too
weak to amount to anything significant
by themselves so the impulses are
entirely dependent on reinforcement of
their group here we will see that
members of the group in these form
online bubbles and clusters and in these
clusters an individual may find that
their one lonely voice or opinion
suddenly seems amplified because you see
the members of the group share not only
a passion for their common cause they
also share a rage against anyone who
dares to challenge challenge their
position on that cause or deviate from
their position on that course in fact a
deviating thought statement or opinion
will very quickly be screengrabs hashed
act shared on by all members of the
group thereby ensuring that that
dissenting voice is suitably chastised
for daring to air an alternative view
this is very very difficult way of
communicating because what happens is
that there can be no learning for either
the individual or the group with the
individual simply getting shouted down
online and what you see happen is that
both sides then retreat clinging tighter
to their version of the truth believing
it to have been reinforced by the
interaction they’ve just had modern
shames Society is a highly sensitive
highly judgmental highly intolerant one
and while we like to think that we are
living in our most informed time when we
have access to more information than
ever before and we like to see ourselves
as a more tolerant society than anything
that has come before us when you scratch
the surface you see that actually it’s
intolerance that dominates and that’s
quite a worrying port in this day and
age so what I’m saying is that in our
most informed time we have become more
judgmental and more intolerant of anyone
who does says or thinks differently to
us in this new shame society we will see
how little originality and personal
courage are to be found online I saw
this tweet last week online I’m sure
it’s written tongue-in-cheek but it also
kind of embodies what we’re here saying
today because you see in these online
prisms that form an individual will feel
very much alone incomplete and exposed
and vulnerable without their group they
will carefully guard their thoughts
their words for fear that they might
accidentally transgress some norm that
the group has brought into existence
their strength in numbers and these
clusters will amplify their voices for
them remember that so what we are seeing
in today’s shame society is that not
only does it still exist it has very
much evolved in our digital age I’m
going to end this talk today by leaving
everyone watching it with a challenge I
want everybody to be honest with them
sells about their relationship with
healthy and toxic shame I want you to
take time off line put down the screens
get outside into the real world into the
right here right now of the world think
before you hashtag we have got to get
better at talking reading reflecting
before we respond without going online
first to see how did everybody else
respond before we formulate our own
opinion what this is going to mean is
that not only can we never eradicate
shame because after all it is a
fundamental part of each and every one
of us we’re never going to eradicate it
but it will allow us to break free from
that herd mentality that allows a shame
society to exist and that’s what we want
thank you
[Applause]
[Music]
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