[Music]
today we’re going to have an intimate
discussion
to start I invite you to take a big
breath and close your eyes now imagine
that you’re stepping out of your shower
in your bathroom you’re completely naked
and as you reach for your towel you look
up then you see your naked body in the
mirror and no it’s not all fogged up
what’s the first thing that you say to
yourself when you see your naked body
now open your eyes
and hold on to that thought because I
want to come back to it think about the
last time you really looked at yourself
naked in a mirror and consider this
question have you ever looked at your
genitals in a mirror your penis your
vagina your testicles your clitoris your
anus your vulva now that first question
of you standing naked in the mirror
probably has he’s blushing a little bit
but that second question probably has
you squirming in your seat
and why is this I mean we look at our
faces in a mirror countless times every
single day we spend hundreds of dollars
getting our hair cut colored and styled
all while looking in a mirror
mirrors line the walls of our yoga
studios and gymnasiums so we can admire
our form yet if it’s covered by
underwear we don’t look at it the reason
is is we all suffer from something we
don’t even know we have it’s called
sexual shame shame about who you want to
have sex with when you want to have sex
how you want to have sex what do you
want to use during sex how do I look how
do I compare ultimately for all of us
our bodies and our genitals are a source
of shame so what is shame well it’s that
little voice inside your head that says
I’m too fat
my penis isn’t big enough my vagina
isn’t tight and it smells funny where
the hell is my clitoris anyway
my balls are saggy and hairy
[Applause]
what is that little voice inside your
head do besides make you think you’re
crazy
that little voice says to you it keeps
you from speaking your truth your truth
about what you want what you need and
what you deserve
with your partner your truth about that
true connection and why do we care about
connection well human beings are a
craving connection just look at the
success of social media connection
allows us to know that we’re not alone
that there are other people out there
celebrating and suffering just like we
are connection binds us together and
allows us to experience each other at
higher levels so what did you say to
yourself when you saw your naked body in
the mirror and where did that voice come
from that voice comes from many places
human beings start off as naturally
curious you may not know that fetuses
actually touch their genitals in utero
you probably know that infants and
toddlers explore their genitals in
curiosity and self pleasure so where did
we learn to be a so ashamed of this body
part
well our earliest messages likely come
from our parents when a child is caught
touching their genitals they’re
sometimes
scolded or punished a parent may think
what will the neighbors think
if they catch my daughter with our hands
down her pants they may get so worried
off they go to the pediatrician what’s
making this happen and please stop it
[Music]
parents aren’t the only authority
figures that give us messages of sexual
shame our sex education these days is
oftentimes a message of risk and danger
even though 90% of the sex we have is
for pleasure nobody ever talks about
pleasure think back to your own sex ed
class were you taught anything about
pleasure even today girls are taught
about pregnancy and their periods and
boys are taught about the dreaded swab
in the penis
even those we asked to care for our
bodies are doctors and nurses they give
us messages of sexual shame I was moved
to tears one day when my 43 year old
patient told me about our first
gynecologic exam she had been suffering
from painful sex her entire life the
doctor said to her clearly there is
something wrong with you get dressed get
yourself together and come back when
you’re ready her message at age 23
I am so broken even places we seek
connection our church our faith our
religion give us messages of shame
those can include things like birth
control is wrong the only proper sex is
between a man and a woman and sex is
only for procreation all religions have
different views about sex and sexuality
and I’m not here to say that they’re
right or wrong I’m just asking you to be
curious about where your own views come
from some of the most personal and
painful messages of sexual shame come
from each other our peers
we’ve all heard somebody say look at
that guy driving that Ford Raptor pickup
truck he must be compensating for a
small penis
[Music]
or check her out who does she think she
is wearing a dress like that she must
really be a slut
look at the world around us where sex is
used to sell everything from candy to
car tires and yet we can’t even look at
ourselves naked in the mirror I see this
shame dialog play out in women of every
age every day
the things that I see vary from not
knowing the names of their body parts to
never having had an orgasm and faking it
too now I have genital herpes and I
can’t be sexual and even though women
don’t look at their vulva they’re
obsessed with it there is a procedure
that has become popular amongst women of
all ages it’s called the Barbie yep
women are chipping and chopping away at
their vulva in search of perfection now
Ken and Barbie may be perfect but I can
promise you the sex that they’re having
it’s pretty terrible
and we’ve all looked at Ken and Barbie
but have we really looked at ourselves
it seems like we no shame better than we
know our own bodies but it doesn’t have
to be this way we don’t have to suffer
with sexual shame we don’t have to be
afraid of our bodies and self pleasure
sexual shame is not inevitable we don’t
know everything but we can certainly
learn and it may all start with a
handheld mirror look at yourself get to
know what you look like we could all
pick our face out of a lineup
could you pick your penis or your vulva
I don’t lineup no handheld mirror I bet
you have a handheld device so take a
genital selfie zoom in on it not
coordinated with us get your partner to
take mine and make sure you delete these
pictures when you’re done so they tone
it up on Instagram once you know what
you look like be able to name your parts
properly say them without giggling or
stammering it’s okay to have pet names
for your parts just make sure you know
what the right ones are I read an
article in an international magazine
titled 13 women get real about their
vaginas while I’m thrilled an
international magazine is getting real
about women’s vaginas I was disappointed
to learn the entire article was about
how they feel about their vulva and
their labias so it looks like naming
genitals can be confusing so let’s clear
this one up everything on the outside
that’s called the vulva it’s like the
face of your genitals and the tube that
leads further in that’s called the
vagina and Men you have a glorious penis
and testicles look at them in different
angles
see them hard and soft you two have
muscles of the pelvic floor and if you
learn to exercise them you can have
longer and harder erections men do you
know where your prostate can be
stimulated once you know what you look
like figure out what touch feels good
what touch you want more of and maybe
what touch not so much and get really
bright brave and share this with your
partner if you and your partner can have
a discussion about what you want
sexually what else can you talk about
finances in-laws honey I really don’t
like your meatloaf
so now let’s learn to be better lovers
research shows that most women learn
their sexual information from their
partners and most men learn their sexual
information from pornography while porn
can be fun it’s not reality and we want
reality reality is that moment when
you’re lying in your lover’s arms and
you have just had a mind-blowing orgasm
and your connection meter is jumping off
the charts what can get sex do besides
dial up your connection meter well it
can lower your risk of cancer and heart
disease it can improve your sleep and
your mood it can make you look younger
and it can give you self-confidence sex
sounds like the best drug ever becoming
a better lover requires some curiosity a
few years ago I stumbled across a
podcast called speaking of sex with the
pleasure mechanics even I as a sex
expert learned things from their amazing
and open discussions about sex now you
know your body you’ve shared it with
your lover what about your kids
nearly every sexual message our children
receive from infancy to adolescence is a
negative sex message you now have the
incredible opportunity to shed the shame
cycle by teaching your children about
their bodies how they work and how they
can one day have amazing sex lives and
so can you sex is about intimacy and
sensuality sensuality is about our
senses oftentimes during sex we turn off
the lights we close our eyes we shut our
mouths
and then we do one of the most intimate
things you can do with another human
being
turn on the lights open your eyes and
tell your partner what you really want
thank you
[Applause]
today we’re going to have an intimate
discussion
to start I invite you to take a big
breath and close your eyes now imagine
that you’re stepping out of your shower
in your bathroom you’re completely naked
and as you reach for your towel you look
up then you see your naked body in the
mirror and no it’s not all fogged up
what’s the first thing that you say to
yourself when you see your naked body
now open your eyes
and hold on to that thought because I
want to come back to it think about the
last time you really looked at yourself
naked in a mirror and consider this
question have you ever looked at your
genitals in a mirror your penis your
vagina your testicles your clitoris your
anus your vulva now that first question
of you standing naked in the mirror
probably has he’s blushing a little bit
but that second question probably has
you squirming in your seat
and why is this I mean we look at our
faces in a mirror countless times every
single day we spend hundreds of dollars
getting our hair cut colored and styled
all while looking in a mirror
mirrors line the walls of our yoga
studios and gymnasiums so we can admire
our form yet if it’s covered by
underwear we don’t look at it the reason
is is we all suffer from something we
don’t even know we have it’s called
sexual shame shame about who you want to
have sex with when you want to have sex
how you want to have sex what do you
want to use during sex how do I look how
do I compare ultimately for all of us
our bodies and our genitals are a source
of shame so what is shame well it’s that
little voice inside your head that says
I’m too fat
my penis isn’t big enough my vagina
isn’t tight and it smells funny where
the hell is my clitoris anyway
my balls are saggy and hairy
[Applause]
what is that little voice inside your
head do besides make you think you’re
crazy
that little voice says to you it keeps
you from speaking your truth your truth
about what you want what you need and
what you deserve
with your partner your truth about that
true connection and why do we care about
connection well human beings are a
craving connection just look at the
success of social media connection
allows us to know that we’re not alone
that there are other people out there
celebrating and suffering just like we
are connection binds us together and
allows us to experience each other at
higher levels so what did you say to
yourself when you saw your naked body in
the mirror and where did that voice come
from that voice comes from many places
human beings start off as naturally
curious you may not know that fetuses
actually touch their genitals in utero
you probably know that infants and
toddlers explore their genitals in
curiosity and self pleasure so where did
we learn to be a so ashamed of this body
part
well our earliest messages likely come
from our parents when a child is caught
touching their genitals they’re
sometimes
scolded or punished a parent may think
what will the neighbors think
if they catch my daughter with our hands
down her pants they may get so worried
off they go to the pediatrician what’s
making this happen and please stop it
[Music]
parents aren’t the only authority
figures that give us messages of sexual
shame our sex education these days is
oftentimes a message of risk and danger
even though 90% of the sex we have is
for pleasure nobody ever talks about
pleasure think back to your own sex ed
class were you taught anything about
pleasure even today girls are taught
about pregnancy and their periods and
boys are taught about the dreaded swab
in the penis
even those we asked to care for our
bodies are doctors and nurses they give
us messages of sexual shame I was moved
to tears one day when my 43 year old
patient told me about our first
gynecologic exam she had been suffering
from painful sex her entire life the
doctor said to her clearly there is
something wrong with you get dressed get
yourself together and come back when
you’re ready her message at age 23
I am so broken even places we seek
connection our church our faith our
religion give us messages of shame
those can include things like birth
control is wrong the only proper sex is
between a man and a woman and sex is
only for procreation all religions have
different views about sex and sexuality
and I’m not here to say that they’re
right or wrong I’m just asking you to be
curious about where your own views come
from some of the most personal and
painful messages of sexual shame come
from each other our peers
we’ve all heard somebody say look at
that guy driving that Ford Raptor pickup
truck he must be compensating for a
small penis
[Music]
or check her out who does she think she
is wearing a dress like that she must
really be a slut
look at the world around us where sex is
used to sell everything from candy to
car tires and yet we can’t even look at
ourselves naked in the mirror I see this
shame dialog play out in women of every
age every day
the things that I see vary from not
knowing the names of their body parts to
never having had an orgasm and faking it
too now I have genital herpes and I
can’t be sexual and even though women
don’t look at their vulva they’re
obsessed with it there is a procedure
that has become popular amongst women of
all ages it’s called the Barbie yep
women are chipping and chopping away at
their vulva in search of perfection now
Ken and Barbie may be perfect but I can
promise you the sex that they’re having
it’s pretty terrible
and we’ve all looked at Ken and Barbie
but have we really looked at ourselves
it seems like we no shame better than we
know our own bodies but it doesn’t have
to be this way we don’t have to suffer
with sexual shame we don’t have to be
afraid of our bodies and self pleasure
sexual shame is not inevitable we don’t
know everything but we can certainly
learn and it may all start with a
handheld mirror look at yourself get to
know what you look like we could all
pick our face out of a lineup
could you pick your penis or your vulva
I don’t lineup no handheld mirror I bet
you have a handheld device so take a
genital selfie zoom in on it not
coordinated with us get your partner to
take mine and make sure you delete these
pictures when you’re done so they tone
it up on Instagram once you know what
you look like be able to name your parts
properly say them without giggling or
stammering it’s okay to have pet names
for your parts just make sure you know
what the right ones are I read an
article in an international magazine
titled 13 women get real about their
vaginas while I’m thrilled an
international magazine is getting real
about women’s vaginas I was disappointed
to learn the entire article was about
how they feel about their vulva and
their labias so it looks like naming
genitals can be confusing so let’s clear
this one up everything on the outside
that’s called the vulva it’s like the
face of your genitals and the tube that
leads further in that’s called the
vagina and Men you have a glorious penis
and testicles look at them in different
angles
see them hard and soft you two have
muscles of the pelvic floor and if you
learn to exercise them you can have
longer and harder erections men do you
know where your prostate can be
stimulated once you know what you look
like figure out what touch feels good
what touch you want more of and maybe
what touch not so much and get really
bright brave and share this with your
partner if you and your partner can have
a discussion about what you want
sexually what else can you talk about
finances in-laws honey I really don’t
like your meatloaf
so now let’s learn to be better lovers
research shows that most women learn
their sexual information from their
partners and most men learn their sexual
information from pornography while porn
can be fun it’s not reality and we want
reality reality is that moment when
you’re lying in your lover’s arms and
you have just had a mind-blowing orgasm
and your connection meter is jumping off
the charts what can get sex do besides
dial up your connection meter well it
can lower your risk of cancer and heart
disease it can improve your sleep and
your mood it can make you look younger
and it can give you self-confidence sex
sounds like the best drug ever becoming
a better lover requires some curiosity a
few years ago I stumbled across a
podcast called speaking of sex with the
pleasure mechanics even I as a sex
expert learned things from their amazing
and open discussions about sex now you
know your body you’ve shared it with
your lover what about your kids
nearly every sexual message our children
receive from infancy to adolescence is a
negative sex message you now have the
incredible opportunity to shed the shame
cycle by teaching your children about
their bodies how they work and how they
can one day have amazing sex lives and
so can you sex is about intimacy and
sensuality sensuality is about our
senses oftentimes during sex we turn off
the lights we close our eyes we shut our
mouths
and then we do one of the most intimate
things you can do with another human
being
turn on the lights open your eyes and
tell your partner what you really want
thank you
[Applause]
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