TEDx UGA how are we doing we do it okay
making history let’s do this I am not
smart enough to be on this stage right
now oh my god I am not smart enough to
be here this field backstage used the
word equilibrium in conversation I don’t
know what that means he wasn’t even a
speaker he was just delivering
chick-fil-a and now I have to go perform
there like hey we’re going to put you
after these phd’s you ready and I was
like no I’m not I got to talk about my
problems they don’t care about my
problems these are very educated people
very good let’s do this guys I got 35
minutes up here I have a few questions
for you guys question number one what if
God was one of us huh what if he was
my main information source read that on
tumblr three years ago and it’s screwed
up my entire life you know that you can
change if you know God can shape-shift
God invented clouds and anime that you
can shape-shift okay I’m just nice to
everybody I don’t know where God is he
could be here tonight are you God ma’am
are you guys sir no all right
I think people in TEDx do crowd work
that’s funny
I don’t know guy like I saw this dude
recently any other shirt that said only
god can judge me and I immediately
I was like maybe I’m God
no I’m probably not God I’m bringing
that God hears I know my god a few weeks
ago I started tearing up because I was
looking at pictures of bonsai trees you
know little japanese trees and I started
crying because I was like oh man little
monkeys could live in those trees
they throw little turns around they’re
so adorable and I was like guys probably
not a giant baby man I’m probably not
God what if I got struck by lightning
right now okay you’re talking about
me at TEDx UTA
so God sounds like what if God was
southern and petty someone in here has a
great laugh you shouldn’t berate the
people that are enjoying your work I’m
I’m Brown I’m a brown person good all
right good that’s nobody boot that’s
always good when it’s always kid knowing
nobody boots the head
I’m brown it’s a weird time to be brown
is it you know it’s a weird time to be
brown right now cuz I feel like I’m just
confusing white folks everywhere I go
every hour I just like get Trump
supporters looking at me like I can’t
tell season Aziz Ansari or an Isis or a
Borat I can’t tell what he is somebody
tell me somebody tell me what he is some
of you are here tonight yeah I’m no fur
I’m no closer to finding out but I
usually have like a thick beard too and
a brown man with a thick beard it’s like
very scary for the middle of the country
right now but when I’m shaved I just
looked like a buff middle schooler I
just look like the spokesperson for NFL
play 60 some of you left a little too
hard in Denton hey guys hey guys I have
a girlfriend she’s she’s white I got one
of the nice white people she’s very cool
to me she’s very curious I’m from
Indiana and she’s very curious about any
culture she’s always asking questions
trying to find out about my culture so
curious in fact that it has made her
incredibly gullible uh and so on now I
just make things up and tell her that
it’s a part of Indian culture just to
see what I can get away with like
something weird I like to do is every
night before going to bed I brush my
teeth and then I put toothpaste on my
toothbrush for the next morning so I can
save some time okay and look I can feel
you judging me right now but every
morning I save six seconds and then it
all accumulate and at the end of my life
I might have two weeks saved up I’m
gonna go on vacation without any of you
that’s what my next TED talk is gonna be
and she saw this and she was like hey
sonic what is that a toothpaste thing
about and I panicked I was just like uh
all Indian people do that
that is not true she’s like really white
and I was like because of the war in
same time 34 it’s just like what war and
I was like the big one you sound sound
kind of ignorant right now she was like
okay then a few weeks later we were
watching a Bollywood movie a movie from
India and there was a scene where three
characters were on a boat and they
started laughing – someone said
something funny and she message she was
like I have what happened I missed the
joke and so I just wanted to test the
waters now it’s just like Oh in India we
just think the ocean is hilarious choose
what and I was like I don’t know there’s
waves there’s sharks in there she was
like why would you think that’s funny
and I was like I don’t know why do white
people think Jeff Dunham is funny
because some Dunham heads in the house
oh no he did it and now she just sends
me pictures of the ocean she’s just like
hahaha
ayyy lmao waves right which is
incredibly cute but very insane taken
out of context that’s some time went by
and we were bored hanging out and she
was like what should we do and I was
like I know we should play shoes I’ll
give you guys a little bit of context
shoes is a game I made up when I lived
in India it didn’t have many toys and
the game is you would get on the floor
put your knees up to your chest and put
your shirt over your feet and then you
look like a shoe that’s the game and
then you scoot around and you fall to
the side that’s what shoes is to be
honest that’s all it is and I told her
about it and she was like a hard pass so
I’m not going to do that that’s crazy
stuff I don’t want to do that as like
you some little bit releases right now
because that’s the thing that we all do
it’s a tradition in India good shoes
heads in the house if she was like
alright well I don’t wanna be racist
guess I’m playing guess I’m playing and
she did and we had a great time
be nice to me and then few weeks went by
and then I was hanging out with her and
three of my brown friends and we were
bored and she was like I know guys we
should play shoes lose and they were
like what is that she’s like dumped or
didn’t like you don’t know I know all
about shoes guys and they’re like no
this is not for me and then she’s like I
know it’ll chew you guys up and then she
just played an ocean documentary and
laughed to herself for 30 minutes and
now my friends think my girlfriend is
the weirdest type of racist just a crazy
person yeah very good we’re still here I
I’m a student here I’m about to graduate
in May
I like UGA why are you guys UGA students
people yes the dog starting here I’m not
sure what that was either uh alright uh
there’s a literal dog in here like the
first draft of a dog
I’m assuming and I something weird
happened to me maybe you guys can help
me out deciphering what happened I was
on campus studying in the library
because I’m uh and in my eyeline there’s
just like this regular white dude Gavin
or Trace
and then you guys know the type uh and
he was steady and clickety clack
clacking away on his laptop and at one
point he went to use the bathroom and
while he was gone this regular looking
white girl like Catherine or Katie or
Laura you guys know the type she came up
and she did one of these she went and
then she took his laptop and left I was
like what did I just witness white on
white crime what I don’t know you can
just do that I thought that happened in
boardrooms and in trailer parks anything
and then they do came back trace came
back and he was rightfully confused he
was either one of these he was like and
and he just kept working and I was like
is this why privileges to laptops I want
to get in on this anyone not laughing
right now it’s twice you had one job
dude you had one job you just don’t tell
Aziz about the two laptops all you had
to do all right guys that’s going to do
it for me we’re going to go on a
20-minute break here go peepee poo-poo
and then I’m going to come back no no
I’m done I don’t know I’m gonna leave
this way oh yes that way you