my parents died suddenly and when they
were very young and it was heartbreaking
I felt cheated but if there was a silver
lining to that tragedy I told myself
it’s not the chance of me becoming a
caregiver for an ill aging parent was
zero ironically 20 years later what do I
become but an expert in Aging and
dementia I work with people with
Alzheimer’s disease and I counsel their
caregivers and when caregivers would
tell me their stories about their
anguish their frustration and their
exhaustion I would think to myself well
maybe I am really the lucky one for a
long time I felt guilty about that
because although I could totally be
there for caregivers clinically I really
couldn’t personally relate to their
experiences and then Marilyn got sick
Marilyn was someone who I befriended
when I was in my 20s who was a mentor to
me and her children were not equipped to
take care of her so I stepped up to the
plate
hey who better than the expert right so
I started to care for her I found her
assisted living I found her doctors I
spoke with her caregivers and I got her
those little but important things like
raised toilet seats and I went to visit
her to make sure that she was okay but
as time went on and she got worse then I
would wake up in the middle of the night
worrying about her and I became anxious
and stressed out I became utterly
consumed by her situation so I go to my
therapist yeah the therapist goes to her
therapist I said to her what is wrong
with me I should be able to handle this
and she looked at me and said hello
you have caregiver stress and it didn’t
dawn on me until that very moment that I
had fallen down the rabbit hole but I
can tell you this I never truly
appreciated the enormity the stress and
weight of caregiving until I became when
myself right now in the United States
there are five and a half million people
with Alzheimer’s disease or another type
of dementia there are about 14 million
people caring for those patients and
caregivers provide 18 billion that’s
billion with a B hours of unpaid care
what doesn’t paid mean it means that
people like you and I are doing the
caregiving that’s spouses partners
children siblings and yes friends and
all those caregivers want to do is a
good job in taking care of people a
caregiver is anyone who cares for
another person and helps them who’s
dependent upon them and caregiving
happens along a continuum and anywhere
along that continuum it can be taxing
and burdensome so on the one end of the
continuum you have the people that are
in the trenches of day-to-day caregiving
they live with the person they provide
face-to-face care like getting people in
and out of bed and taking them to
doctors and bathing and cooking and
they’re there all hours of the day
taking care of the patient on the other
end of the continuum you have the folks
that orchestrate the care right they
find the doctors they hire the
caregivers they manage the finances and
they get those calls at 3:00 a.m. when
there is an emergency and they all are
trying to boot do the best job they can
do but one thing about caregiving the
good news is that most people can learn
the skills they need to be good
caregivers but the not-so-good news
is that once they become caregivers
people are allows e at taking care of
themselves and that’s not good
that’s because caregiving can make you
sick being a caregiver can make you sick
in fact it can kill you and this applies
to all types of caregivers not just
those caring for someone with
Alzheimer’s disease caregivers are at
higher risk for things like heart attack
cancer immune system dysfunction and
depression and the older caregivers
they’re at increased risk for death and
some even die before they’re afflicted
loved one does so learning to cope with
the caregiver situation learning care
givers South care is essential and I’ve
studied this through research of your
personal experience and I can share five
things with you to help you ease that
journey of caregiving and the way I
remember them and this might work for
you is as super s su P are the first S
is sand don’t stick your head in it if
you notice that your loved one is
repeating himself over and over again if
your mother gets lost going to the
grocery store or burns up pots on the
stove stop making excuses for them and
please don’t do the denial thing I had
one client who would insist about her
father oh he’s okay he’s just old but
all the while her beloved father is
going downhill before her very eyes and
some caregivers become co-pilots for
their loved one while driving because
they can’t bear to take that away from
them but that kind of denial can lead to
an accident or even the tragedy so
if you see that your loved one is doing
something that surprises you that
concerns you do something about it
you can google their symptoms go to the
website of the Alzheimer’s Association
and don’t be afraid to talk to your
loved one about about your concerns and
go to the doctor with them for an
evaluation and this is important because
we now know that early treatment of
dementia can help reduce people’s
symptoms it can slow the progression of
disease and help stave off your stress
as a caregiver the second s stands for
support go to a support group caregiving
is hard and you can’t do that by
yourself and caregivers will tell you
they’ll tell you that their friends
don’t come around so much anymore and
they suffer and they are isolated and
they have thoughts that make them
uncomfortable like I wish my mom would
die and this was all over with and some
people develop resentment towards the
person they’re caring for and you’ll
feel awful when you have those feelings
but they do come up and that’s why you
need to go to a support group because
people in support groups have all been
there they understand those feelings
they feel those feelings and they know
that even though you feel awful for
having them that those thoughts are
coming from a place of distress and
sadness you use for uplift every day you
need to find a way to uplift yourself
when Marilyn was dying and I went to
visit her it was painful to see her in
her condition but I felt good about
being her friend and acting towards her
like a daughter I was able to do for her
would I had no opportunity to do for my
own parents and that was uplifting
and caregivers will tell you even when
their loved one is being cranky or
difficult or demanding they’re still
uplifted by the thought that they’re
caring for them that they’re performing
an act of love
fulfilling a sense of duty and making
their life better and caregivers have
told me that their life is absolutely
transformed by the experience and some
develop a more positive view of life and
when it’s all over
they don’t regret what they did so in
the days when your loved one has clarity
when they smile when they’re funny even
if they don’t mean to be and when they
show you that glimmer of their old self
savor those moments and uplift yourself
with those feelings especially on the
days when you want to quit P PS for
personal as in don’t take things
personally the bench is a brain disease
and it causes people to say things that
are untrue full paranoid weird things
that they don’t mean I had a client
whose wife accused him of cheating on
her with her caregiver and he was
shocked by that but when I was able to
remind him that paranoid thoughts are
part of Alzheimer’s disease he no longer
took that personally and sadly for many
of you there will come a time when your
loved one no longer recognizes you and
that will crush you and on that day you
will need to remind yourself don’t take
it personally
finally our our respite find respite for
the people in the trenches of day-to-day
caregiving respite means completely
getting away from the caregiver
situation for at least 20 minutes a day
and this is non-negotiable
you can read a book go for a walk grab a
cup of coffee
anything anything that makes you feel
better and caregivers please give
yourself permission to be helped I know
of a 90 year old woman and she was on
the verge of physical and a mental
emotional collapse she was the sole
caregiver for her 95 year old husband
and when she finally allowed herself to
get a little help a little help with
housekeeping hired a professional for a
few hours a day she was able to cherish
those last month’s of her husband’s life
for all types of caregivers there’s
another type of respite it’s mental
respite and I think of that as letting
go of the small stuff when loved ones
first come to me to evaluate their loved
ones I mean when the family members
first come to me and they’re they want
me to evaluate their loved ones I hear
them quizzing them on things like what
did you have for dinner last night what
are the names of your grandchildren and
even though they mean well
they’re maybe trying to bring them back
into reality or they’re trying to
exercise their memory they’re just
reminding their loved ones of their
problems and they’re making them feel
worse now my clients mother who suffers
from Alzheimer’s disease lost her
husband of 62 years and at each visit
she still asks where’s your father
am i client who has learned to let go
simply tells her he’s gone fishing mom
which is something he really did like to
do so she doesn’t correct her mom and
she doesn’t remind her that her
husband’s been dead for five years so
find respite in your own way and learn
to let go of the small stuff it’s
liberating look
caregiving is hard you’re watching a
loved one deteriorate and I’m not gonna
pretend that these five ways of coping
are totally gonna eliminate your stress
and your burden but they will sustain
you through your journey they did for me
when I was taking care of Maryland now I
had a lot of knowledge but I had to do
so much more I went to therapy to get
support and I learned to uplift myself
knowing that I was doing for her what I
could never do for my parents and that
was a huge source of satisfaction to me
then and to this very day
and when Maryland lost the mental
clarity to hold a conversation and talk
on the phone I had to remind myself not
to take that personally and I found
respite in letting go of the idea that
she was going to get better if I can
leave you with one thought it’s this
love them but love yourself to support
them but support yourself too and help
them but allow yourself to be helped
also take care of your stuff take super
care of yourself thank you
[Applause]
were very young and it was heartbreaking
I felt cheated but if there was a silver
lining to that tragedy I told myself
it’s not the chance of me becoming a
caregiver for an ill aging parent was
zero ironically 20 years later what do I
become but an expert in Aging and
dementia I work with people with
Alzheimer’s disease and I counsel their
caregivers and when caregivers would
tell me their stories about their
anguish their frustration and their
exhaustion I would think to myself well
maybe I am really the lucky one for a
long time I felt guilty about that
because although I could totally be
there for caregivers clinically I really
couldn’t personally relate to their
experiences and then Marilyn got sick
Marilyn was someone who I befriended
when I was in my 20s who was a mentor to
me and her children were not equipped to
take care of her so I stepped up to the
plate
hey who better than the expert right so
I started to care for her I found her
assisted living I found her doctors I
spoke with her caregivers and I got her
those little but important things like
raised toilet seats and I went to visit
her to make sure that she was okay but
as time went on and she got worse then I
would wake up in the middle of the night
worrying about her and I became anxious
and stressed out I became utterly
consumed by her situation so I go to my
therapist yeah the therapist goes to her
therapist I said to her what is wrong
with me I should be able to handle this
and she looked at me and said hello
you have caregiver stress and it didn’t
dawn on me until that very moment that I
had fallen down the rabbit hole but I
can tell you this I never truly
appreciated the enormity the stress and
weight of caregiving until I became when
myself right now in the United States
there are five and a half million people
with Alzheimer’s disease or another type
of dementia there are about 14 million
people caring for those patients and
caregivers provide 18 billion that’s
billion with a B hours of unpaid care
what doesn’t paid mean it means that
people like you and I are doing the
caregiving that’s spouses partners
children siblings and yes friends and
all those caregivers want to do is a
good job in taking care of people a
caregiver is anyone who cares for
another person and helps them who’s
dependent upon them and caregiving
happens along a continuum and anywhere
along that continuum it can be taxing
and burdensome so on the one end of the
continuum you have the people that are
in the trenches of day-to-day caregiving
they live with the person they provide
face-to-face care like getting people in
and out of bed and taking them to
doctors and bathing and cooking and
they’re there all hours of the day
taking care of the patient on the other
end of the continuum you have the folks
that orchestrate the care right they
find the doctors they hire the
caregivers they manage the finances and
they get those calls at 3:00 a.m. when
there is an emergency and they all are
trying to boot do the best job they can
do but one thing about caregiving the
good news is that most people can learn
the skills they need to be good
caregivers but the not-so-good news
is that once they become caregivers
people are allows e at taking care of
themselves and that’s not good
that’s because caregiving can make you
sick being a caregiver can make you sick
in fact it can kill you and this applies
to all types of caregivers not just
those caring for someone with
Alzheimer’s disease caregivers are at
higher risk for things like heart attack
cancer immune system dysfunction and
depression and the older caregivers
they’re at increased risk for death and
some even die before they’re afflicted
loved one does so learning to cope with
the caregiver situation learning care
givers South care is essential and I’ve
studied this through research of your
personal experience and I can share five
things with you to help you ease that
journey of caregiving and the way I
remember them and this might work for
you is as super s su P are the first S
is sand don’t stick your head in it if
you notice that your loved one is
repeating himself over and over again if
your mother gets lost going to the
grocery store or burns up pots on the
stove stop making excuses for them and
please don’t do the denial thing I had
one client who would insist about her
father oh he’s okay he’s just old but
all the while her beloved father is
going downhill before her very eyes and
some caregivers become co-pilots for
their loved one while driving because
they can’t bear to take that away from
them but that kind of denial can lead to
an accident or even the tragedy so
if you see that your loved one is doing
something that surprises you that
concerns you do something about it
you can google their symptoms go to the
website of the Alzheimer’s Association
and don’t be afraid to talk to your
loved one about about your concerns and
go to the doctor with them for an
evaluation and this is important because
we now know that early treatment of
dementia can help reduce people’s
symptoms it can slow the progression of
disease and help stave off your stress
as a caregiver the second s stands for
support go to a support group caregiving
is hard and you can’t do that by
yourself and caregivers will tell you
they’ll tell you that their friends
don’t come around so much anymore and
they suffer and they are isolated and
they have thoughts that make them
uncomfortable like I wish my mom would
die and this was all over with and some
people develop resentment towards the
person they’re caring for and you’ll
feel awful when you have those feelings
but they do come up and that’s why you
need to go to a support group because
people in support groups have all been
there they understand those feelings
they feel those feelings and they know
that even though you feel awful for
having them that those thoughts are
coming from a place of distress and
sadness you use for uplift every day you
need to find a way to uplift yourself
when Marilyn was dying and I went to
visit her it was painful to see her in
her condition but I felt good about
being her friend and acting towards her
like a daughter I was able to do for her
would I had no opportunity to do for my
own parents and that was uplifting
and caregivers will tell you even when
their loved one is being cranky or
difficult or demanding they’re still
uplifted by the thought that they’re
caring for them that they’re performing
an act of love
fulfilling a sense of duty and making
their life better and caregivers have
told me that their life is absolutely
transformed by the experience and some
develop a more positive view of life and
when it’s all over
they don’t regret what they did so in
the days when your loved one has clarity
when they smile when they’re funny even
if they don’t mean to be and when they
show you that glimmer of their old self
savor those moments and uplift yourself
with those feelings especially on the
days when you want to quit P PS for
personal as in don’t take things
personally the bench is a brain disease
and it causes people to say things that
are untrue full paranoid weird things
that they don’t mean I had a client
whose wife accused him of cheating on
her with her caregiver and he was
shocked by that but when I was able to
remind him that paranoid thoughts are
part of Alzheimer’s disease he no longer
took that personally and sadly for many
of you there will come a time when your
loved one no longer recognizes you and
that will crush you and on that day you
will need to remind yourself don’t take
it personally
finally our our respite find respite for
the people in the trenches of day-to-day
caregiving respite means completely
getting away from the caregiver
situation for at least 20 minutes a day
and this is non-negotiable
you can read a book go for a walk grab a
cup of coffee
anything anything that makes you feel
better and caregivers please give
yourself permission to be helped I know
of a 90 year old woman and she was on
the verge of physical and a mental
emotional collapse she was the sole
caregiver for her 95 year old husband
and when she finally allowed herself to
get a little help a little help with
housekeeping hired a professional for a
few hours a day she was able to cherish
those last month’s of her husband’s life
for all types of caregivers there’s
another type of respite it’s mental
respite and I think of that as letting
go of the small stuff when loved ones
first come to me to evaluate their loved
ones I mean when the family members
first come to me and they’re they want
me to evaluate their loved ones I hear
them quizzing them on things like what
did you have for dinner last night what
are the names of your grandchildren and
even though they mean well
they’re maybe trying to bring them back
into reality or they’re trying to
exercise their memory they’re just
reminding their loved ones of their
problems and they’re making them feel
worse now my clients mother who suffers
from Alzheimer’s disease lost her
husband of 62 years and at each visit
she still asks where’s your father
am i client who has learned to let go
simply tells her he’s gone fishing mom
which is something he really did like to
do so she doesn’t correct her mom and
she doesn’t remind her that her
husband’s been dead for five years so
find respite in your own way and learn
to let go of the small stuff it’s
liberating look
caregiving is hard you’re watching a
loved one deteriorate and I’m not gonna
pretend that these five ways of coping
are totally gonna eliminate your stress
and your burden but they will sustain
you through your journey they did for me
when I was taking care of Maryland now I
had a lot of knowledge but I had to do
so much more I went to therapy to get
support and I learned to uplift myself
knowing that I was doing for her what I
could never do for my parents and that
was a huge source of satisfaction to me
then and to this very day
and when Maryland lost the mental
clarity to hold a conversation and talk
on the phone I had to remind myself not
to take that personally and I found
respite in letting go of the idea that
she was going to get better if I can
leave you with one thought it’s this
love them but love yourself to support
them but support yourself too and help
them but allow yourself to be helped
also take care of your stuff take super
care of yourself thank you
[Applause]
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