so July 13th 1990 I was arrested for
drunk driving they put me in handcuffs
and threw me in a holding cell
pitch-black dark it it was cold I was
alone I tried to sit on the bench I
couldn’t because I was too drunk I laid
on the floor and passed out I don’t
remember much after that my only memory
of the rest of that awful experience was
leaving my body looking down and seeing
someone who was in a whole lot of
trouble pitiful helpless hopeless the
judge
the next morning sentenced me to a
six-month recovery program I went I get
sober not long after that seemingly out
of nowhere the call to write songs
entered my heart
probably not coincidentally I was
working in a restaurant right next door
to Berklee College of Music and all my
employees were either songwriters or
singers or in some way affiliated with
the University I so I was surrounded by
music and the call to song came to me
and I grabbed it like it was a life
jacket and I was drowning in an ocean
turns out it was and I was I wrote songs
about what got me into that jail cell
and caused me to need to medicate myself
to the point of oblivion my songs were
heavy and difficult and some even say
disturbing I would go out and play him
and the audience would be split it still
is actually there were people in the
room who would say oh God so heavy so
dark
let’s say the cliche you all know it
break oh three zoo birds I still get
that but there was this other group of
people that will come up to me with
tears in their eyes at the end of the
night at the seedy table and their lips
were quivering and they’d say thank you
thank you that’s my brother that’s my
father
that’s me those people gave me courage
they gave me hope they kept me going I
stayed sober and I decided to stay with
the songs the way they came to me and
ignore the razorblade jokes I fancied
myself a sort of lesbian Leonard Cohen
[Laughter]
why not nobody’s done it yet right
fast-forward 30 years I’ve been writing
songs for a long time I’ve learned quite
a bit about songs and songwriting what I
know for sure is that songs are a whole
lot more than a commercial product
manufactured for a multinational
corporation to sell to the lowest common
denominator songs in fact for me
we’re life-saving they were spiritual
medicine for a world gone wrong if you
cut your skin the body has devices that
automatically spring into action to help
the wound
we’ve got coagulants and white blood
cells all sorts of things race to help
the hurt I think songs can do that for
the human spirit for the soul for the
heart and that’s how I approach my craft
and that’s what I’ve done for 30 odd
years about five years ago I was invited
to work with the nonprofit called
songwriting with soldiers what they do
is pair up professional songwriters with
wound
veterans and we go away to a retreat
center for a weekend and we listen we
bear witness and turn what were being
told in two songs on Friday night we
gather at the retreat center it’s
usually for songwriters six to ten
wounded veterans and on that Friday
night we’re all a little nervous we
don’t know each other
we’re milling about and look on some of
the veterans faces is like I cannot
believe I’ve been reduced to kumbaya
they’re there because their wives begged
them to go they’re there because their
therapist asked them to go at this stage
since were five years into the program a
lot of them are there because their
buddy said you got to go do that don’t
ask why I can’t explain it just go we
get through our nerves fairly quickly on
Friday we do a show I’ll play some songs
for them they pretty much know who they
want to write with on Saturday morning
we sit down and get to work
by Sunday night we’ve got 12 songs maybe
13 songs that didn’t exist on Friday all
written in the veterans words and we
play a concert of their songs the best
way to get you into one of these
experiences is for me to introduce you
to a young soldier named Joe I met Joe
about four years ago Joe had been
deployed to Fallujah when he was 19 and
it was during the surge what happened to
Joe in Iraq
damaged him he was hurt his wound he
described it as moral injury it’s when
war pushes you past what your values
allow and it hurts your soul when I sat
with Joe he was at a place that was only
I could only describe his dark he he had
deep lines in his brow his lips were set
in a straight line he was answering
questions with single words and he
really struggled with eye contact I
asked him how he was doing and that’s
when he told me Mary my soul hurts I
knew that to get a song with him we’d
have to get imagery because a great song
really is a little movie and so I just
asked him
described what he saw when he went to
Iraq when he got off that plane 19
year-old Joe what did you see I’m not a
soldier I’ve never been to war I don’t
know what it looked like I’ve never been
to Iraq just give me some pictures he
said he saw orange smoke and yellow haze
all over the horizon in front and behind
him he said at dusk there were whistling
sunset bombs they came in every night
and he said I couldn’t trust the sky I’m
writing down what he says I’m writing it
down I’m writing it down he said there
were little kids in the street crying
alone no adults anywhere to be found he
said they were bombed out schools and
bombed out homes he said there were guys
holding their weapons so tight that
their knuckles were white and there were
other guys the Catholic soldiers with
rosary beads rolling them in their hands
and when he said that I knew that could
be the title of the song rifles and
rosary beads and so I asked him what if
we put this on together and call it
rifles and rosary beads and he nodded
and I needed to find a melody to help
move the story from his his wounded
heart and soul into this song and the
melody needed to match and marry what he
was saying and so I came up with just
very very simple
[Music]
he started looking up more we were
starting to make eye contact now and the
melody was like a magnet pulling the
story out of him and he started to talk
in fuller sentences not just single word
answers and single images he started to
tell me who he was we reached a place in
the story where what he was saying hurts
so bad that I had to put the guitar down
and cry and that’s cool I’m not a
therapist I’m a songwriter and my job is
to listen and write the song I don’t
have to worry about anything to do with
emotion if it’s hard I can cry I let it
out and it made it possible I think for
him to cry he said can I hug you he was
crying I was crying there was tears it
got nasty that was there was ugly crying
and then when we sat down to finish the
song after the emotion had passed we
were connected we had built some trust
there and as we’ve finished the last
line of his song I played the song in
its entirety for him and he was nodding
he was smiling the lines the deep lines
in his forehead that made him look 50
years old
Joe was 24 when I met him we’re starting
to soften he started to look as they age
again as the last note rang out we
high-fived and for some reason I don’t
know why we just ran around the room and
we’d written one of those breakthroughs
played songs but it was doing something
important it had become spiritual
medicine for a world gone wrong young
man felt seen and heard and the song was
able to articulate what there weren’t
words for trauma goes deeper than words
music can get in those places we enjoyed
the moment that night
we had a little concert which we do at
the retreats and I played his song for
the group all the joy that we had
experienced in that room was wiped out
of his face when he realized mortified
that I’m gonna play that song and his
vulnerability is going to be on display
for his veteran buddies his army buddies
soldiers are trained don’t be vulnerable
vulnerability will get you killed and
you’ll get other people killed the
vulnerability is not something you can
let into the scenario at war with the
song if you’re not vulnerable you’re
writing garbage you’ve got to be
vulnerable to write a good song and
always always always there’s a little
bit of shame that leaks in to a wounded
person song because if you carry trauma
you carry shame trauma tells you that
you were incapable of defending yourself
in the moment that something horrible
happened and you couldn’t stop it and as
a result you’re broken Joe’s greatest
fear when I started to play his song is
that he was going to be rejected that
his buddies were going to say you’re not
supposed to say those things but as I
started to play it I been doing this
long enough to know what would happen
and I tried to look at him with love and
and help him to calm down because I know
what happens the exact opposite of what
the veteran is afraid of happens every
time it’s the magic words
his song got finished and his buddy said
thank you me too man me too
instead of rejection
we’re losing 22 soldiers a day right now
to suicide trauma brings shame shame
says I’m not lovable broken we’ve got to
find ways to alkalize it I believe songs
written for the right reasons and the
spirit
a vulnerability can be a big tool in
helping to alkalize that shame in these
retreats several things happen that make
them powerful one of the important
things that that I wanted to just
highlight is that the songwriter is
sitting in the discomfort with the
soldier we don’t try to placate them
with platitudes and say oh it’s going to
be fine we don’t know if it’s going to
be fine
we don’t interrupt with our own war
stories we don’t have any we just bear
witness mirror back what’s being said
and then find the matching melody for
the words and stories were being told
they’re witnessed in non-judgement we
don’t assess we don’t diagnose and most
importantly we don’t judge no matter
what they say we just want to get their
song another important part of what
happens I think is when that song gets
played back and they are witnessed in
their most vulnerable state we talk
about two types of courage the type of
courage it takes to put the uniform on
and go to war and then the type of
courage it takes to get emotionally
naked in front of a group of people
risking rejection that type of courage
I’ve seen Special Forces guys with sweat
pouring down both of the sides of their
face and their hands like this before
their song gets played it is scary and
I’ve witnessed their courage as their
song got played being witnessed is a big
important part of what’s happening and I
think the deal is that you go from being
the story and if you’ve been traumatized
you’re convinced that you are the story
and nothing more when you are able to
articulate it in art and song you go
from being the story to the storyteller
you’re able to take a step back from the
story and get a broader view there’s
agency in being the storyteller I mean
look at this room the storytellers are
on the stage there’s power there the
storyteller gets to write the
ending this is an important move in the
right direction if you’ve been
traumatized so that you can start to
articulate what happened by taking a
step back and then transform it by
making something beautiful out of
something horrible and offering it to
the world as a gift to other people who
are suffering it takes the worst thing
that happened to you in your life and
makes it useful to someone out there who
doesn’t have the words for it and the
soldiers get that really quickly like oh
god if it helps one person I’ll do it
and they want to they’re they
volunteered this is a volunteer army
they want to be of service so I need to
give you a little bit of Joe’s song
ruffles and Laurie beads you hold on to
you need vicodin morphine dreams rifles
orange haze blowing into
[Music]
my eyes whistling some shit bombs I
couldn’t trust this guy there’s a lot
more to it but I don’t have time to play
the whole thing but when Joe’s buddies
heard that song they hugged him and Joe
tells me that’s the moment he started to
experience hope again am I saying that
songs gonna heal trauma fix it no it’s
not that simple but what the song is is
a rung on a ladder lowered into that
hole and if you’re the one in the hole
that rung is a big damn deal i define
trauma as the experience of potential
annihilation our veterans are the group
that is most obviously suffering from
trauma PTSD and traumatic brain injury
but 70% of the population at one time in
their life is going to have a traumatic
event so this is a relevant conversation
for almost all of us trauma is the
experience of removal it’s being
separated out and not being able to find
your way home we talked about wanting to
help our veterans to come all the way
home their bodies get here but there’s
not a full presence because of the
trauma they don’t feel a part of us I
think that songs can help bridge that
gap because songs create empathy songs
bring us into the experience of another
person that we understand and maybe even
more importantly that we experience it
so can song save the world well is that
a 60s hippie dream leftover from pot
heads that are now grandparents
I don’t think so
here’s what I know songs can change the
heart they opened the heart in the right
hand this machine can do a lot of things
it’s certainly been used as a moneymaker
it’s been used as a tool of seduction
it’s been used as an escapist tool and
anesthetic to turn everything off but in
the right hands for the right reasons
this is an empathy machine and songs can
open the heart if you get your heart
opened it can open the mind you’ve
experienced the emotions of another
person and stereotypes fall away
prejudice can fall away misconceptions
can fall away if you open the mind
you’re changing a person songs open the
heart heart opens the mind mind changes
the person how else you gonna change the
world
I think songs have the power to do this
songs and songwriting are why I’m still
here today and I think if we were to
just consider the razorblade songs for
the power contained in them that they
have the power to change the world thank
you
[Music] you
drunk driving they put me in handcuffs
and threw me in a holding cell
pitch-black dark it it was cold I was
alone I tried to sit on the bench I
couldn’t because I was too drunk I laid
on the floor and passed out I don’t
remember much after that my only memory
of the rest of that awful experience was
leaving my body looking down and seeing
someone who was in a whole lot of
trouble pitiful helpless hopeless the
judge
the next morning sentenced me to a
six-month recovery program I went I get
sober not long after that seemingly out
of nowhere the call to write songs
entered my heart
probably not coincidentally I was
working in a restaurant right next door
to Berklee College of Music and all my
employees were either songwriters or
singers or in some way affiliated with
the University I so I was surrounded by
music and the call to song came to me
and I grabbed it like it was a life
jacket and I was drowning in an ocean
turns out it was and I was I wrote songs
about what got me into that jail cell
and caused me to need to medicate myself
to the point of oblivion my songs were
heavy and difficult and some even say
disturbing I would go out and play him
and the audience would be split it still
is actually there were people in the
room who would say oh God so heavy so
dark
let’s say the cliche you all know it
break oh three zoo birds I still get
that but there was this other group of
people that will come up to me with
tears in their eyes at the end of the
night at the seedy table and their lips
were quivering and they’d say thank you
thank you that’s my brother that’s my
father
that’s me those people gave me courage
they gave me hope they kept me going I
stayed sober and I decided to stay with
the songs the way they came to me and
ignore the razorblade jokes I fancied
myself a sort of lesbian Leonard Cohen
[Laughter]
why not nobody’s done it yet right
fast-forward 30 years I’ve been writing
songs for a long time I’ve learned quite
a bit about songs and songwriting what I
know for sure is that songs are a whole
lot more than a commercial product
manufactured for a multinational
corporation to sell to the lowest common
denominator songs in fact for me
we’re life-saving they were spiritual
medicine for a world gone wrong if you
cut your skin the body has devices that
automatically spring into action to help
the wound
we’ve got coagulants and white blood
cells all sorts of things race to help
the hurt I think songs can do that for
the human spirit for the soul for the
heart and that’s how I approach my craft
and that’s what I’ve done for 30 odd
years about five years ago I was invited
to work with the nonprofit called
songwriting with soldiers what they do
is pair up professional songwriters with
wound
veterans and we go away to a retreat
center for a weekend and we listen we
bear witness and turn what were being
told in two songs on Friday night we
gather at the retreat center it’s
usually for songwriters six to ten
wounded veterans and on that Friday
night we’re all a little nervous we
don’t know each other
we’re milling about and look on some of
the veterans faces is like I cannot
believe I’ve been reduced to kumbaya
they’re there because their wives begged
them to go they’re there because their
therapist asked them to go at this stage
since were five years into the program a
lot of them are there because their
buddy said you got to go do that don’t
ask why I can’t explain it just go we
get through our nerves fairly quickly on
Friday we do a show I’ll play some songs
for them they pretty much know who they
want to write with on Saturday morning
we sit down and get to work
by Sunday night we’ve got 12 songs maybe
13 songs that didn’t exist on Friday all
written in the veterans words and we
play a concert of their songs the best
way to get you into one of these
experiences is for me to introduce you
to a young soldier named Joe I met Joe
about four years ago Joe had been
deployed to Fallujah when he was 19 and
it was during the surge what happened to
Joe in Iraq
damaged him he was hurt his wound he
described it as moral injury it’s when
war pushes you past what your values
allow and it hurts your soul when I sat
with Joe he was at a place that was only
I could only describe his dark he he had
deep lines in his brow his lips were set
in a straight line he was answering
questions with single words and he
really struggled with eye contact I
asked him how he was doing and that’s
when he told me Mary my soul hurts I
knew that to get a song with him we’d
have to get imagery because a great song
really is a little movie and so I just
asked him
described what he saw when he went to
Iraq when he got off that plane 19
year-old Joe what did you see I’m not a
soldier I’ve never been to war I don’t
know what it looked like I’ve never been
to Iraq just give me some pictures he
said he saw orange smoke and yellow haze
all over the horizon in front and behind
him he said at dusk there were whistling
sunset bombs they came in every night
and he said I couldn’t trust the sky I’m
writing down what he says I’m writing it
down I’m writing it down he said there
were little kids in the street crying
alone no adults anywhere to be found he
said they were bombed out schools and
bombed out homes he said there were guys
holding their weapons so tight that
their knuckles were white and there were
other guys the Catholic soldiers with
rosary beads rolling them in their hands
and when he said that I knew that could
be the title of the song rifles and
rosary beads and so I asked him what if
we put this on together and call it
rifles and rosary beads and he nodded
and I needed to find a melody to help
move the story from his his wounded
heart and soul into this song and the
melody needed to match and marry what he
was saying and so I came up with just
very very simple
[Music]
he started looking up more we were
starting to make eye contact now and the
melody was like a magnet pulling the
story out of him and he started to talk
in fuller sentences not just single word
answers and single images he started to
tell me who he was we reached a place in
the story where what he was saying hurts
so bad that I had to put the guitar down
and cry and that’s cool I’m not a
therapist I’m a songwriter and my job is
to listen and write the song I don’t
have to worry about anything to do with
emotion if it’s hard I can cry I let it
out and it made it possible I think for
him to cry he said can I hug you he was
crying I was crying there was tears it
got nasty that was there was ugly crying
and then when we sat down to finish the
song after the emotion had passed we
were connected we had built some trust
there and as we’ve finished the last
line of his song I played the song in
its entirety for him and he was nodding
he was smiling the lines the deep lines
in his forehead that made him look 50
years old
Joe was 24 when I met him we’re starting
to soften he started to look as they age
again as the last note rang out we
high-fived and for some reason I don’t
know why we just ran around the room and
we’d written one of those breakthroughs
played songs but it was doing something
important it had become spiritual
medicine for a world gone wrong young
man felt seen and heard and the song was
able to articulate what there weren’t
words for trauma goes deeper than words
music can get in those places we enjoyed
the moment that night
we had a little concert which we do at
the retreats and I played his song for
the group all the joy that we had
experienced in that room was wiped out
of his face when he realized mortified
that I’m gonna play that song and his
vulnerability is going to be on display
for his veteran buddies his army buddies
soldiers are trained don’t be vulnerable
vulnerability will get you killed and
you’ll get other people killed the
vulnerability is not something you can
let into the scenario at war with the
song if you’re not vulnerable you’re
writing garbage you’ve got to be
vulnerable to write a good song and
always always always there’s a little
bit of shame that leaks in to a wounded
person song because if you carry trauma
you carry shame trauma tells you that
you were incapable of defending yourself
in the moment that something horrible
happened and you couldn’t stop it and as
a result you’re broken Joe’s greatest
fear when I started to play his song is
that he was going to be rejected that
his buddies were going to say you’re not
supposed to say those things but as I
started to play it I been doing this
long enough to know what would happen
and I tried to look at him with love and
and help him to calm down because I know
what happens the exact opposite of what
the veteran is afraid of happens every
time it’s the magic words
his song got finished and his buddy said
thank you me too man me too
instead of rejection
we’re losing 22 soldiers a day right now
to suicide trauma brings shame shame
says I’m not lovable broken we’ve got to
find ways to alkalize it I believe songs
written for the right reasons and the
spirit
a vulnerability can be a big tool in
helping to alkalize that shame in these
retreats several things happen that make
them powerful one of the important
things that that I wanted to just
highlight is that the songwriter is
sitting in the discomfort with the
soldier we don’t try to placate them
with platitudes and say oh it’s going to
be fine we don’t know if it’s going to
be fine
we don’t interrupt with our own war
stories we don’t have any we just bear
witness mirror back what’s being said
and then find the matching melody for
the words and stories were being told
they’re witnessed in non-judgement we
don’t assess we don’t diagnose and most
importantly we don’t judge no matter
what they say we just want to get their
song another important part of what
happens I think is when that song gets
played back and they are witnessed in
their most vulnerable state we talk
about two types of courage the type of
courage it takes to put the uniform on
and go to war and then the type of
courage it takes to get emotionally
naked in front of a group of people
risking rejection that type of courage
I’ve seen Special Forces guys with sweat
pouring down both of the sides of their
face and their hands like this before
their song gets played it is scary and
I’ve witnessed their courage as their
song got played being witnessed is a big
important part of what’s happening and I
think the deal is that you go from being
the story and if you’ve been traumatized
you’re convinced that you are the story
and nothing more when you are able to
articulate it in art and song you go
from being the story to the storyteller
you’re able to take a step back from the
story and get a broader view there’s
agency in being the storyteller I mean
look at this room the storytellers are
on the stage there’s power there the
storyteller gets to write the
ending this is an important move in the
right direction if you’ve been
traumatized so that you can start to
articulate what happened by taking a
step back and then transform it by
making something beautiful out of
something horrible and offering it to
the world as a gift to other people who
are suffering it takes the worst thing
that happened to you in your life and
makes it useful to someone out there who
doesn’t have the words for it and the
soldiers get that really quickly like oh
god if it helps one person I’ll do it
and they want to they’re they
volunteered this is a volunteer army
they want to be of service so I need to
give you a little bit of Joe’s song
ruffles and Laurie beads you hold on to
you need vicodin morphine dreams rifles
orange haze blowing into
[Music]
my eyes whistling some shit bombs I
couldn’t trust this guy there’s a lot
more to it but I don’t have time to play
the whole thing but when Joe’s buddies
heard that song they hugged him and Joe
tells me that’s the moment he started to
experience hope again am I saying that
songs gonna heal trauma fix it no it’s
not that simple but what the song is is
a rung on a ladder lowered into that
hole and if you’re the one in the hole
that rung is a big damn deal i define
trauma as the experience of potential
annihilation our veterans are the group
that is most obviously suffering from
trauma PTSD and traumatic brain injury
but 70% of the population at one time in
their life is going to have a traumatic
event so this is a relevant conversation
for almost all of us trauma is the
experience of removal it’s being
separated out and not being able to find
your way home we talked about wanting to
help our veterans to come all the way
home their bodies get here but there’s
not a full presence because of the
trauma they don’t feel a part of us I
think that songs can help bridge that
gap because songs create empathy songs
bring us into the experience of another
person that we understand and maybe even
more importantly that we experience it
so can song save the world well is that
a 60s hippie dream leftover from pot
heads that are now grandparents
I don’t think so
here’s what I know songs can change the
heart they opened the heart in the right
hand this machine can do a lot of things
it’s certainly been used as a moneymaker
it’s been used as a tool of seduction
it’s been used as an escapist tool and
anesthetic to turn everything off but in
the right hands for the right reasons
this is an empathy machine and songs can
open the heart if you get your heart
opened it can open the mind you’ve
experienced the emotions of another
person and stereotypes fall away
prejudice can fall away misconceptions
can fall away if you open the mind
you’re changing a person songs open the
heart heart opens the mind mind changes
the person how else you gonna change the
world
I think songs have the power to do this
songs and songwriting are why I’m still
here today and I think if we were to
just consider the razorblade songs for
the power contained in them that they
have the power to change the world thank
you
[Music] you
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