I woke up on May 25th 2006 a joyful
hard-working graduate student with the
world at my fingertips I’d wake up the
next day an acid burn survivor laying in
a hospital bed connected to tubes and
IVs not knowing what was next for me I’d
suffered third-degree full thickness
burns to 30% of my body my life had
become a TV movie I’d spent six and a
half weeks in the hospital falling in
and out of depression having nightmares
every night of someone trying to kill me
sometimes with a gun once I was pushed
off a cliff and once I was put in a
furnace the physical scars were painful
but the emotional scars terrorized me
she had held a gun to my face and
shouted do it again bitch and I’ll shoot
I’d been fighting to slam her hand in my
car door as she wildly aimed at me
looking down the barrel of her gun I
imagined how quickly she could end my
life so I surrendered I threw my hands
in the air and offered her my purse and
and in that moment I felt the splash to
my face like a way of crashing against
the wall of rocks the liquid struck my
forehead in my eyes and sizzle down my
face like hot grease I immediately
screamed and try to wipe it away all the
while unknowingly why can’t wiping away
my skin and then came a second splash to
my torso it felt like a hot punch to my
gut the pain was so immense that I
kicked the car door open and whatever
clothes weren’t melting off of me
I began violently ripping off and all
the while she watched me she watched me
suffer and burn while I screamed and
terror the attacks had been overwhelming
and life-altering I was in pain I was
confused and I didn’t know what this
woman wanted from me the only thing I
did know was that my life had been
changed forever
I was now an acid burn survivor when the
depression would get the best of me I
would break down and cry I would wail
from my soul why God why why me I would
try to convince myself that had she shot
me I would have been better off I
actually argued with my stuff why didn’t
you just let her shoot you it was only a
22 you could have survived that bullet
and while crying my family and nurses
would surround me and tell me that
everything would be all right they tried
to say it with confidence but
I could see the sadness in their eyes
and I could feel the sadness and
hopelessness in my soul when I was
released from the hospital I was still
very broken I move into my grandparents
basement where my dad would help care
for me he would get me to the bathroom
dress my wounds drive me to and from day
rehab and every day he would tell me how
special I was but the methadone and
sleep aids weren’t working and I lived
in constant fear I was deeply angry I
was angry that I wasn’t healed and I was
angry with her how could she do this to
me we didn’t know each other I wanted
revenge on her I wanted her to feel my
pain but 10 times worse and there were
times I wanted her buried under the jail
and this anger festered she consumed my
mind my every waking thought was she
sorry did she feel bad why had she
chosen me did she know how drastically
she had changed my life these were all
would lash out at the people closest to
me while simultaneously begging for them
to love me when it came time for the
trial I was a nervous wreck my state’s
attorneys did their best to prepare me
for what was to come but I doubted
myself throughout had I actually seen
her could it have been someone else but
the moment I heard her voice time
stopped a wave of emotions came over me
and I knew it was her you could cut the
tension in the courtroom with a with a
knife my family wanted to protect me her
family was convinced that I picked the
the amount of damage caused by one
person’s actions was incomprehensible my
state’s attorneys instructed me to write
a victim impact statement I thought I’d
show up and speak from the heart until
one of them plopped a notebook in front
of me and said right and that I did I
wrote about my quarter of a million
dollar hospital bill that I laughed at
to keep from crying I wrote about the
methadone I took to help manage my pain
because I was so desperate to feel
better not knowing all of the adverse
side effects that have on my sleep my
personality and my ability to function
and I wrote about how all of this
impacted my family and friends because
it happened to them too and that was my
plan to tell her all of the ways she
impacted me and I would look her in the
eye and not shed a tear and that’s when
I saw her teenage daughter I looked at
her with sorrow wanting to hug her see I
just lost my own mother two years prior
so I knew that sadness all too well if
her mother was convicted she would lose
her – and that’s when my feelings about
her shifted I didn’t know if I was more
mad at her for attacking me or for
putting herself in a position to be away
from her children and as relieved as I
felt that she was in custody I also felt
a little guilty
I wondered what would happen to her
would she be rehabilitated what about
her children and then the verdict came
guilty 15 years for two counts of
heinous battery I exhaled her family
gasped my journey to recovery would
continue sitting in the basement my days
would blur together
watching the news as depressing as it
was became my favorite pastime as sad as
the stories were they were a reminder
for me to be grateful there were so many
people who never may
at home so many people who didn’t
survive to tell their stories but I did
so I started furiously counting my
blessings I started fighting joy and
little things and I started challenging
myself in new ways so much so that I
signed up to run a marathon yes in 2007
I ran the Chicago Marathon crazy but
something else started to happen during
that time I started to let go of the
anger I had towards the people who hurt
me I stopped asking why and wondering if
they were thinking of me because I
realized that all of the time and energy
that I was putting into that wasn’t
helping me in any way in fact it was
hurting me it was holding me back it was
keeping old ones from healing and
ultimately it was holding me hostage so
I woke up one day and decided that I
didn’t want to be held captive anymore
I decided to let it go I would forgive
the people who hurt me and I would
forgive myself I forgave myself for the
choices I made the shame the guilt and
all the blaming that I did and when I
forgave her I did it without an apology
without a discussion and without
expecting anything in return and that
decision changed my life it felt like
freedom a huge burden had been lifted
off my heart and my shoulders and I
could finally move past what happened to
me and who hurt me I could finally start
to heal and regain a sense of normalcy
well this new normal of living with
scars and this relatively new trauma but
I owned my story and in sharing it I
felt empowered I’d also discover my
purpose despite all of the trauma I
could use my experiences of adversity to
teach and encourage others particularly
young women and so I shared with
audience
how forgiving her transformed me in 2008
I’d returned to graduate school at
DePaul University while working as an
executive assistant and 2009 I would
fall in love in 2010
I’d complete my dual master’s program in
2011 I would give birth to my amazing
son Zeeland all while balancing the
complexities of living as an acid burn
survivor and crime victim and every now
and again she would come to mine I
wasn’t upset with her but I wondered how
she was faring and I struggled with
whether or not I should write her in
2015 I’d start volunteering at a little
cafe in Evanston Illinois called Kurt’s
cafe here they improve outcomes for
young women living in at-risk situations
through work and life skills training
and at this time I was drawn into
restorative justice and I was drawn to
this organization because it’s rooted
and restorative justice philosophies and
it was here that I’d be gifted a book
that would change my life the book was
titled change of heart by Jean Bishop
when I read the front cover summarizing
the story of a woman who forgives her
pregnant sister and husbands killer I
thought ooh this is way too heavy right
now so I put it away a few weeks later
I’d have to take a train ride downtown
so I grab the book and once I started
reading I couldn’t put it down
I was furiously under underlining
highlighting and writing notes because
this woman understood what I was feeling
at the time my family wasn’t supportive
of me writing her they were on their own
personal journeys of forgiveness and I
had to respect where they were but I
also wanted them to understand and
respect the space that I was in and I
think they had my best interests at
heart but they didn’t want to see any
more harm come to me but I still wanted
their support so I googled this author I
found a phone number
call didn’t left a message and to my
surprise she called me back and a few
days later we’d meet for a coffee and we
just talked and bond and share and today
we’re friends there’s one particular
passage in the book that touched my soul
in summary she has spoken all over the
world about the murders and forgiveness
she had told all these people that she’d
forgiven him but never once has she
communicated her forgiveness to him and
this struck a nerve because I had done
the same thing
I had told all these people that I’d
forgiven her on television in churches
at conference but I’d never once told
her and that’s when I knew it was time I
had written her many times before only
to shred the letters or to save them on
my flash drive but on July 6th 2015
I never sleeve to the post office and
mailed a letter and a copy of Jeanne
bishops book to her I was shaking and
sweating as I double-checked every piece
of the mailing information and I knew I
looked a hot mess because people kept
asking me if I was okay and when I got
to the counter the postmaster said honey
are you sure you want to send this
I never say shook my head yes and pushed
it towards her I left the post office
feeling great I didn’t know what the
outcome would be but I knew I’d planted
a seed my letter read dear Nicole I
forgive you I hope you are well and I
hope that you will see better days
sincerely Carley Butler PS I’m sorry for
when I got to the car doubt started to
set in I thought oh my god car what did
you just do this she might be like what
if she’s mentally unstable what if this
upsets her what if you cause more harm
than good and all of these scenarios
could have happened but I had to quickly
eliminate them and remind myself that I
had done this for me and that’s my story
but now I want you to think about yours
I want to challenge you to think about
the role of forgiving this place in your
life most times we expect forgiveness to
be a reciprocal process we expect or
require an apology to get things started
so we hold out I want you to consider
who haven’t you forgiven what do you
need to get there and can you forgive
I know some of you might be thinking
alright Carly so you forgave her but you
two didn’t reconcile and you’re
absolutely right
I have forgiven Nicole but that doesn’t
mean I want to pursue a relationship
with her my personal safety and peace of
mind are my priority and wanting those
things are no way in conflict with me
wanting to forgive and this is supported
by research sampling done by the
American Psychological Association
it says forgiveness may occur in the
absence of reconciliation and
reconciliation may occur in the absence
of forgiveness I want to leave you with
this imagine how much we could heal as
individuals and as a society if we
reimagine forgiveness as something less
about others and more for ourselves
starting right here without a discussion
and without any expectations together
let’s reimagine forgiveness and plant
seeds of peace hope and healing right
here my sincere hope for you is that the
next time you say I forgive you you are
standing in front of the mirror and
you’re starting with yourself thank you
[Applause]
[Music] [Applause]
hard-working graduate student with the
world at my fingertips I’d wake up the
next day an acid burn survivor laying in
a hospital bed connected to tubes and
IVs not knowing what was next for me I’d
suffered third-degree full thickness
burns to 30% of my body my life had
become a TV movie I’d spent six and a
half weeks in the hospital falling in
and out of depression having nightmares
every night of someone trying to kill me
sometimes with a gun once I was pushed
off a cliff and once I was put in a
furnace the physical scars were painful
but the emotional scars terrorized me
she had held a gun to my face and
shouted do it again bitch and I’ll shoot
I’d been fighting to slam her hand in my
car door as she wildly aimed at me
looking down the barrel of her gun I
imagined how quickly she could end my
life so I surrendered I threw my hands
in the air and offered her my purse and
and in that moment I felt the splash to
my face like a way of crashing against
the wall of rocks the liquid struck my
forehead in my eyes and sizzle down my
face like hot grease I immediately
screamed and try to wipe it away all the
while unknowingly why can’t wiping away
my skin and then came a second splash to
my torso it felt like a hot punch to my
gut the pain was so immense that I
kicked the car door open and whatever
clothes weren’t melting off of me
I began violently ripping off and all
the while she watched me she watched me
suffer and burn while I screamed and
terror the attacks had been overwhelming
and life-altering I was in pain I was
confused and I didn’t know what this
woman wanted from me the only thing I
did know was that my life had been
changed forever
I was now an acid burn survivor when the
depression would get the best of me I
would break down and cry I would wail
from my soul why God why why me I would
try to convince myself that had she shot
me I would have been better off I
actually argued with my stuff why didn’t
you just let her shoot you it was only a
22 you could have survived that bullet
and while crying my family and nurses
would surround me and tell me that
everything would be all right they tried
to say it with confidence but
I could see the sadness in their eyes
and I could feel the sadness and
hopelessness in my soul when I was
released from the hospital I was still
very broken I move into my grandparents
basement where my dad would help care
for me he would get me to the bathroom
dress my wounds drive me to and from day
rehab and every day he would tell me how
special I was but the methadone and
sleep aids weren’t working and I lived
in constant fear I was deeply angry I
was angry that I wasn’t healed and I was
angry with her how could she do this to
me we didn’t know each other I wanted
revenge on her I wanted her to feel my
pain but 10 times worse and there were
times I wanted her buried under the jail
and this anger festered she consumed my
mind my every waking thought was she
sorry did she feel bad why had she
chosen me did she know how drastically
she had changed my life these were all
would lash out at the people closest to
me while simultaneously begging for them
to love me when it came time for the
trial I was a nervous wreck my state’s
attorneys did their best to prepare me
for what was to come but I doubted
myself throughout had I actually seen
her could it have been someone else but
the moment I heard her voice time
stopped a wave of emotions came over me
and I knew it was her you could cut the
tension in the courtroom with a with a
knife my family wanted to protect me her
family was convinced that I picked the
the amount of damage caused by one
person’s actions was incomprehensible my
state’s attorneys instructed me to write
a victim impact statement I thought I’d
show up and speak from the heart until
one of them plopped a notebook in front
of me and said right and that I did I
wrote about my quarter of a million
dollar hospital bill that I laughed at
to keep from crying I wrote about the
methadone I took to help manage my pain
because I was so desperate to feel
better not knowing all of the adverse
side effects that have on my sleep my
personality and my ability to function
and I wrote about how all of this
impacted my family and friends because
it happened to them too and that was my
plan to tell her all of the ways she
impacted me and I would look her in the
eye and not shed a tear and that’s when
I saw her teenage daughter I looked at
her with sorrow wanting to hug her see I
just lost my own mother two years prior
so I knew that sadness all too well if
her mother was convicted she would lose
her – and that’s when my feelings about
her shifted I didn’t know if I was more
mad at her for attacking me or for
putting herself in a position to be away
from her children and as relieved as I
felt that she was in custody I also felt
a little guilty
I wondered what would happen to her
would she be rehabilitated what about
her children and then the verdict came
guilty 15 years for two counts of
heinous battery I exhaled her family
gasped my journey to recovery would
continue sitting in the basement my days
would blur together
watching the news as depressing as it
was became my favorite pastime as sad as
the stories were they were a reminder
for me to be grateful there were so many
people who never may
at home so many people who didn’t
survive to tell their stories but I did
so I started furiously counting my
blessings I started fighting joy and
little things and I started challenging
myself in new ways so much so that I
signed up to run a marathon yes in 2007
I ran the Chicago Marathon crazy but
something else started to happen during
that time I started to let go of the
anger I had towards the people who hurt
me I stopped asking why and wondering if
they were thinking of me because I
realized that all of the time and energy
that I was putting into that wasn’t
helping me in any way in fact it was
hurting me it was holding me back it was
keeping old ones from healing and
ultimately it was holding me hostage so
I woke up one day and decided that I
didn’t want to be held captive anymore
I decided to let it go I would forgive
the people who hurt me and I would
forgive myself I forgave myself for the
choices I made the shame the guilt and
all the blaming that I did and when I
forgave her I did it without an apology
without a discussion and without
expecting anything in return and that
decision changed my life it felt like
freedom a huge burden had been lifted
off my heart and my shoulders and I
could finally move past what happened to
me and who hurt me I could finally start
to heal and regain a sense of normalcy
well this new normal of living with
scars and this relatively new trauma but
I owned my story and in sharing it I
felt empowered I’d also discover my
purpose despite all of the trauma I
could use my experiences of adversity to
teach and encourage others particularly
young women and so I shared with
audience
how forgiving her transformed me in 2008
I’d returned to graduate school at
DePaul University while working as an
executive assistant and 2009 I would
fall in love in 2010
I’d complete my dual master’s program in
2011 I would give birth to my amazing
son Zeeland all while balancing the
complexities of living as an acid burn
survivor and crime victim and every now
and again she would come to mine I
wasn’t upset with her but I wondered how
she was faring and I struggled with
whether or not I should write her in
2015 I’d start volunteering at a little
cafe in Evanston Illinois called Kurt’s
cafe here they improve outcomes for
young women living in at-risk situations
through work and life skills training
and at this time I was drawn into
restorative justice and I was drawn to
this organization because it’s rooted
and restorative justice philosophies and
it was here that I’d be gifted a book
that would change my life the book was
titled change of heart by Jean Bishop
when I read the front cover summarizing
the story of a woman who forgives her
pregnant sister and husbands killer I
thought ooh this is way too heavy right
now so I put it away a few weeks later
I’d have to take a train ride downtown
so I grab the book and once I started
reading I couldn’t put it down
I was furiously under underlining
highlighting and writing notes because
this woman understood what I was feeling
at the time my family wasn’t supportive
of me writing her they were on their own
personal journeys of forgiveness and I
had to respect where they were but I
also wanted them to understand and
respect the space that I was in and I
think they had my best interests at
heart but they didn’t want to see any
more harm come to me but I still wanted
their support so I googled this author I
found a phone number
call didn’t left a message and to my
surprise she called me back and a few
days later we’d meet for a coffee and we
just talked and bond and share and today
we’re friends there’s one particular
passage in the book that touched my soul
in summary she has spoken all over the
world about the murders and forgiveness
she had told all these people that she’d
forgiven him but never once has she
communicated her forgiveness to him and
this struck a nerve because I had done
the same thing
I had told all these people that I’d
forgiven her on television in churches
at conference but I’d never once told
her and that’s when I knew it was time I
had written her many times before only
to shred the letters or to save them on
my flash drive but on July 6th 2015
I never sleeve to the post office and
mailed a letter and a copy of Jeanne
bishops book to her I was shaking and
sweating as I double-checked every piece
of the mailing information and I knew I
looked a hot mess because people kept
asking me if I was okay and when I got
to the counter the postmaster said honey
are you sure you want to send this
I never say shook my head yes and pushed
it towards her I left the post office
feeling great I didn’t know what the
outcome would be but I knew I’d planted
a seed my letter read dear Nicole I
forgive you I hope you are well and I
hope that you will see better days
sincerely Carley Butler PS I’m sorry for
when I got to the car doubt started to
set in I thought oh my god car what did
you just do this she might be like what
if she’s mentally unstable what if this
upsets her what if you cause more harm
than good and all of these scenarios
could have happened but I had to quickly
eliminate them and remind myself that I
had done this for me and that’s my story
but now I want you to think about yours
I want to challenge you to think about
the role of forgiving this place in your
life most times we expect forgiveness to
be a reciprocal process we expect or
require an apology to get things started
so we hold out I want you to consider
who haven’t you forgiven what do you
need to get there and can you forgive
I know some of you might be thinking
alright Carly so you forgave her but you
two didn’t reconcile and you’re
absolutely right
I have forgiven Nicole but that doesn’t
mean I want to pursue a relationship
with her my personal safety and peace of
mind are my priority and wanting those
things are no way in conflict with me
wanting to forgive and this is supported
by research sampling done by the
American Psychological Association
it says forgiveness may occur in the
absence of reconciliation and
reconciliation may occur in the absence
of forgiveness I want to leave you with
this imagine how much we could heal as
individuals and as a society if we
reimagine forgiveness as something less
about others and more for ourselves
starting right here without a discussion
and without any expectations together
let’s reimagine forgiveness and plant
seeds of peace hope and healing right
here my sincere hope for you is that the
next time you say I forgive you you are
standing in front of the mirror and
you’re starting with yourself thank you
[Applause]
[Music] [Applause]
Please follow and like us: