as a sexuality educator and therapist I
want to talk about sex well who doesn’t
want to talk about sex right well it
turns out that a lot of people don’t
want to talk about sex being a sex
therapist is a bit like being a party
clown some people gather around they’re
engaged entertained by what I do but
sometimes people see me a little bit
more like this I can see the shock and
horror come over their faces if they
hear what I’m talking about and they
back away slowly but it’s okay I’m not
offended I know in our culture we see
sex as a dirty bad secret and we’re not
supposed to talk about it but I’m
looking to change that I think in some
way I’ve always been in this field as a
child I was offering advice to my
friends like I was Lucy Van Pelt
educating them on the nuances of
relationship building conflict
resolution fair playground practices and
much to the chagrin of my friends
parents puberty I was the unofficial
John h.glenn elementary school sexuality
educator armed with some really
spectacular resources that I had
scrounged up for myself like my mom’s
anatomy and physiology textbook 80 sex
comedies like a jerk
stripes an animal house my judy blume
book collection Oh with a very well worn
and much-loved copy of are you there God
It’s Me Margaret and this was my
favorite part you before the internet
you could turn over the box of maxi pads
and you can send away for a pamphlet
about your period and it came with free
samples so I handed these things out
like they were candy and I forged ahead
to learn as much as I could about my
body and how it worked and why everybody
else seemed to be so weird and hush-hush
about all the sex stuff I was like you
I can create an entire other human being
with this thing that is awesome and
completely fascinating right so
fast-forward quite a bit early on in my
career I was working with adolescent
girls in Department of Juvenile Justice
and residential psychiatric treatment
programs inpatient programs for children
and the sexual abuse the lack of self
esteem self worth the guilt the shame
embarrassment that these beautiful
children suffered from was just
inconceivable to me not only were they
unable to recognize the names of their
own body parts but they were unable to
recognize a single thing that they liked
about themselves I thought these are
issues that any of us can face it and
heat in our lives and it was there and
then that it became a real passion in my
life to know more and do more and it
became my mission to help people see
that talking about sex openly and
honestly could not only be easy and fun
but ultimately empowering and
life-changing so why is it so darn hard
to talk about sex well it’s a learned
behavior and it’s generational so I’ve
taught human sexuality and the
rehabilitation and mental health
counseling program here at USF for over
10 years which I love to do it’s so cool
because since its grad school I have a
really varied and diverse group of
students that I teach they could be
twenty one fresh out of undergrad or
g’day could be sixty one or seventy one
coming back to school wanting to change
their path so at the beginning of every
semester first day of class I ask
everybody tell me how you got the talk
right and it’s amazing that about 90 to
95 percent of my students tell same
stories goes a little something like
this
maybe it was in school fifth or sixth
grade girls on one side of the gym boys
on the other where they made reference
to and showed pictures of the uterus and
fallopian tubes and it just kind of
looked like a Rams head but the horns
and words that nobody understood we were
all snickering about and it looked like
this or maybe it looked a little bit
like this maybe that’s why I love going
here so much or maybe they got the talk
like me at home with loving and
well-meaning parents that just didn’t
have the tools or the comfort really
that they needed in order to do that job
and so they tried and they said hey kid
if you ever have any questions about any
of this stuff you just let us know
however the body language the lack of
eye contact and the tone of voice was
just screaming please don’t ever have
any questions about this ever so or like
so many of us didn’t really get the talk
but they were on their own with trial
and error so I found that different
entire generations of students have the
same exact experiences with sex ed I
thought geez we’re not doing any better
or getting any better at this however a
difference that we do now see is where
we may have caught a glimpse of a
playboy and/or a bed kids today now have
the world of pornography at their
fingertips and that’s where they’re
learning about sex most of my students
clients colleagues friends family
everyone agrees that whatever version of
the talk that they got certainly didn’t
suffice to help them maneuver through
their adolescence in a healthy way or
make good decisions for themselves or
their bodies later on in life so this is
my greatest challenge to defy antiquated
fear-based ineffective approaches to
sexuality education so how do we do
better well first we have to strive to
eliminate the concept of the talk right
think about it
is there any really important thing that
parents talk to their kids just one time
about
put on your bike helmet get a good
night’s sleep work hard get good grades
don’t do drugs and alcohol don’t smoke
cigarettes put on your seatbelt
throughout our kids lives parents are
honing their messages and reiterating
their viewpoints and value systems we
say things over and over to kids so that
there’s no room for misinterpretation or
misunderstanding however when it comes
to sex
we’re mute or offer mixed messages so
kids know how we feel about a lot of
things but when they’re here well they
know where you stand on sex sexuality
education can’t be a one-time speech at
kids about the birds and the bees but we
need it to be a series of ongoing
conversations with our children durin
during throughout the different ages and
stages of their physical emotional and
sexual development but our culture has a
really hard time with this because of
the strange dichotomy that we’re all
sexualized sex is used everywhere to
sell everything and yet it’s still
slathered in stigma and taboo imagine
this from birth you are taught that
peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are
poisonous if you eat them you’ll get
very sick throughout your life you’re
told in many different ways that peanut
butter and jelly is dirty and disgusting
you’ll get a reputation if you eat
peanut butter and jelly people will
judge you if you eat peanut butter and
jelly you’re you’re gonna embarrass your
family if you eat peanut butter and
jelly pretty much it can ruin everything
and then I’m a happiest day of your life
you put on a big white dress or a snazzy
tuxedo and you meet the partner of your
dreams at the end of that aisle and then
they hand you a peanut butter and jelly
sandwich no no no it’s okay now this
sandwich is the most beautiful and
good thing that two people who love each
other can ever share enjoy your sandwich
so here we are we’re all holding our
sandwiches
not quite sure what to do with them we
may be embarrassed because we don’t even
know how we like our sandwiches all
right little chunky or smooth do we like
strawberry or grape crusts on or off
right or we could be feeling guilty or
ashamed because maybe we’ve been
sneaking bites of that peanut butter and
jelly through the years or even worse we
could have been force-fed at some point
the next thing you know everyone is
clumsily shamefully eating their
sandwiches yet no one is talking about
it these negative attitudes and messages
are everywhere we have to do better and
stop looking at sex as a dirty bad word
but in order to make a big shift in our
culture we need to start small with
ourselves because this is an inside job
but I know it’s not easy
we can’t just flip a switch and erase
messages from years and years being told
by our parents teachers by our schools
by our coaches by our churches the media
regarding sex we can however challenge
what we’ve been taught and take steps to
undo the mis-education that most of us
have experienced so we can read so we
can redefine sexuality for ourselves
speaking of mis-education did you know
that there are no set standards for
sexuality education in our country we do
not mandate it because we’re scared
we’re terrified we’re afraid of what
that education equals permission one of
the greatest myths misunderstandings and
outright errors in thinking about human
sexuality is if we teach kids about sex
they’re going to go
rampantly into the streets and have all
of the sex but I am here to tell you and
I am happy to report that every bit of
research in the field informs us that
the exact opposite is true that kids who
have had adequate sexuality education
and whose parents are open and willing
to discuss sexual matters are more
likely to wait to have sex that means we
have to talk early and talk often when
those parents asked me day ok I get it
so when do you want me to start talking
to my kid about sex at home I say at
birth if it’s a little too late for that
I say today when policymakers ask me
when should we start sex ed in school my
answer is in kindergarten now I get a
little pushback here and I get it
because if we have the socio-cultural
viewpoint that sex is a what that sex ed
is a one-time thing it’s the talk right
so if we have that interpretation of it
people are gonna freak out thinking that
I’m advocating that we put condoms on
bananas in first grade and as adorable
as that might be from my heart sincerely
that is not what I’m going for European
countries have some of the lowest teen
pregnancy sexually transmitted infection
and sexual violence rates in the world
what do they teach in kindergarten not
the uterus and fallopian tube picture
that we saw they teach love empathy and
respect agency over their own bodies and
saying yes or no to hugs from friends
they highlight feelings kindness and
consent and for goodness sakes they
teach proper names for their body parts
no lose no TTS or vajayjays so pop quiz
are you guys ready are you ready for a
pop quiz ok boys have a penis and girls
have a oh dear
I’m so proud of you for trying so the
vagina is an internal structure the
penis is the external genitalia
so it would be boys have a penis and
girls have a vulva everybody say it with
me
vulva no I said say it with me
vulva right but it’s not your fault that
you didn’t know that it’s faulty sex
Edie because of the weird and backwards
way that we teach kids about their
reproductive parts yet we don’t do that
with any other part of their bodies like
hey everybody what’s this oh it’s my ear
it’s my earlobe fantastic right we teach
from the outside in offering concepts
that make sense and that are
developmentally appropriate eventually
I’ll talk to you about your tympanic
membrane and your cochlea but not just
yet and sexuality education should not
be any different how else do we get it
wrong well in areas of the United States
that do actually provide sex ed in
schools that can have a parental opt-out
for health class or they can have
children could be mandated to sign a
contract which prohibits them from
discussing the lessons outside of class
can you imagine having an opt-out for
something is crucial and as important as
math or reading
can you imagine telling Johnny or Sally
like hey it’s really inappropriate for
you to be talking about the periodic
table so so even when we are providing
sex ed we are systematically in not so
subtle ways telling kids that learning
about your body and talking about it is
wrong how do you think those same kids
are going to fare when it’s time to ask
a partner if they brought a condom or if
they’ve been tested quality
comprehensive sexuality education not
only helps us to reduce teen pregnancy
and STI transmission but sex IDI is
sexual violence prevention when we can
talk about the good stuff
like pleasure procreation and love for
our full whole selves will finally be
able to have meaningful and impactful
dialogues about the hard stuff like
sexual harassment victimization and
violence
if the me2 movement USA Gymnastics
scandal and the public health epidemic
of childhood sexual abuse has taught us
anything it’s when we shroud sex in
secrecy and shame
it keeps victims silent it keeps
bystanders questioning themselves and it
keeps perpetrators free to continue to
abuse increasing our communication about
sexual matters if we want to do that we
need to be approachable and be askable
being askable means talking with our
kids and our partners and it means not
being afraid our greatest barrier to
being askable is our own fear or
embarrassment that is grownups
we still don’t have all the answers
about sex but we can break barriers we
don’t have to be perfect it’s okay to
say I don’t know let’s not be afraid to
say you know what this is embarrassing
or it’s awkward for me and maybe it is
for you too but it’s important because
you’re important so let’s figure it out
together there are resources and support
available so that we can all do our part
in creating meaningful change and if you
need any help don’t hesitate to ask John
H Glen Elementary’s unofficial sexuality
educator now your friendly neighborhood
sex therapist because it is my dream for
all of us to give ourselves permission
to develop a comfortable confident
working vocabulary so that we can
communicate openly about healthy happy wonderful sex
want to talk about sex well who doesn’t
want to talk about sex right well it
turns out that a lot of people don’t
want to talk about sex being a sex
therapist is a bit like being a party
clown some people gather around they’re
engaged entertained by what I do but
sometimes people see me a little bit
more like this I can see the shock and
horror come over their faces if they
hear what I’m talking about and they
back away slowly but it’s okay I’m not
offended I know in our culture we see
sex as a dirty bad secret and we’re not
supposed to talk about it but I’m
looking to change that I think in some
way I’ve always been in this field as a
child I was offering advice to my
friends like I was Lucy Van Pelt
educating them on the nuances of
relationship building conflict
resolution fair playground practices and
much to the chagrin of my friends
parents puberty I was the unofficial
John h.glenn elementary school sexuality
educator armed with some really
spectacular resources that I had
scrounged up for myself like my mom’s
anatomy and physiology textbook 80 sex
comedies like a jerk
stripes an animal house my judy blume
book collection Oh with a very well worn
and much-loved copy of are you there God
It’s Me Margaret and this was my
favorite part you before the internet
you could turn over the box of maxi pads
and you can send away for a pamphlet
about your period and it came with free
samples so I handed these things out
like they were candy and I forged ahead
to learn as much as I could about my
body and how it worked and why everybody
else seemed to be so weird and hush-hush
about all the sex stuff I was like you
I can create an entire other human being
with this thing that is awesome and
completely fascinating right so
fast-forward quite a bit early on in my
career I was working with adolescent
girls in Department of Juvenile Justice
and residential psychiatric treatment
programs inpatient programs for children
and the sexual abuse the lack of self
esteem self worth the guilt the shame
embarrassment that these beautiful
children suffered from was just
inconceivable to me not only were they
unable to recognize the names of their
own body parts but they were unable to
recognize a single thing that they liked
about themselves I thought these are
issues that any of us can face it and
heat in our lives and it was there and
then that it became a real passion in my
life to know more and do more and it
became my mission to help people see
that talking about sex openly and
honestly could not only be easy and fun
but ultimately empowering and
life-changing so why is it so darn hard
to talk about sex well it’s a learned
behavior and it’s generational so I’ve
taught human sexuality and the
rehabilitation and mental health
counseling program here at USF for over
10 years which I love to do it’s so cool
because since its grad school I have a
really varied and diverse group of
students that I teach they could be
twenty one fresh out of undergrad or
g’day could be sixty one or seventy one
coming back to school wanting to change
their path so at the beginning of every
semester first day of class I ask
everybody tell me how you got the talk
right and it’s amazing that about 90 to
95 percent of my students tell same
stories goes a little something like
this
maybe it was in school fifth or sixth
grade girls on one side of the gym boys
on the other where they made reference
to and showed pictures of the uterus and
fallopian tubes and it just kind of
looked like a Rams head but the horns
and words that nobody understood we were
all snickering about and it looked like
this or maybe it looked a little bit
like this maybe that’s why I love going
here so much or maybe they got the talk
like me at home with loving and
well-meaning parents that just didn’t
have the tools or the comfort really
that they needed in order to do that job
and so they tried and they said hey kid
if you ever have any questions about any
of this stuff you just let us know
however the body language the lack of
eye contact and the tone of voice was
just screaming please don’t ever have
any questions about this ever so or like
so many of us didn’t really get the talk
but they were on their own with trial
and error so I found that different
entire generations of students have the
same exact experiences with sex ed I
thought geez we’re not doing any better
or getting any better at this however a
difference that we do now see is where
we may have caught a glimpse of a
playboy and/or a bed kids today now have
the world of pornography at their
fingertips and that’s where they’re
learning about sex most of my students
clients colleagues friends family
everyone agrees that whatever version of
the talk that they got certainly didn’t
suffice to help them maneuver through
their adolescence in a healthy way or
make good decisions for themselves or
their bodies later on in life so this is
my greatest challenge to defy antiquated
fear-based ineffective approaches to
sexuality education so how do we do
better well first we have to strive to
eliminate the concept of the talk right
think about it
is there any really important thing that
parents talk to their kids just one time
about
put on your bike helmet get a good
night’s sleep work hard get good grades
don’t do drugs and alcohol don’t smoke
cigarettes put on your seatbelt
throughout our kids lives parents are
honing their messages and reiterating
their viewpoints and value systems we
say things over and over to kids so that
there’s no room for misinterpretation or
misunderstanding however when it comes
to sex
we’re mute or offer mixed messages so
kids know how we feel about a lot of
things but when they’re here well they
know where you stand on sex sexuality
education can’t be a one-time speech at
kids about the birds and the bees but we
need it to be a series of ongoing
conversations with our children durin
during throughout the different ages and
stages of their physical emotional and
sexual development but our culture has a
really hard time with this because of
the strange dichotomy that we’re all
sexualized sex is used everywhere to
sell everything and yet it’s still
slathered in stigma and taboo imagine
this from birth you are taught that
peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are
poisonous if you eat them you’ll get
very sick throughout your life you’re
told in many different ways that peanut
butter and jelly is dirty and disgusting
you’ll get a reputation if you eat
peanut butter and jelly people will
judge you if you eat peanut butter and
jelly you’re you’re gonna embarrass your
family if you eat peanut butter and
jelly pretty much it can ruin everything
and then I’m a happiest day of your life
you put on a big white dress or a snazzy
tuxedo and you meet the partner of your
dreams at the end of that aisle and then
they hand you a peanut butter and jelly
sandwich no no no it’s okay now this
sandwich is the most beautiful and
good thing that two people who love each
other can ever share enjoy your sandwich
so here we are we’re all holding our
sandwiches
not quite sure what to do with them we
may be embarrassed because we don’t even
know how we like our sandwiches all
right little chunky or smooth do we like
strawberry or grape crusts on or off
right or we could be feeling guilty or
ashamed because maybe we’ve been
sneaking bites of that peanut butter and
jelly through the years or even worse we
could have been force-fed at some point
the next thing you know everyone is
clumsily shamefully eating their
sandwiches yet no one is talking about
it these negative attitudes and messages
are everywhere we have to do better and
stop looking at sex as a dirty bad word
but in order to make a big shift in our
culture we need to start small with
ourselves because this is an inside job
but I know it’s not easy
we can’t just flip a switch and erase
messages from years and years being told
by our parents teachers by our schools
by our coaches by our churches the media
regarding sex we can however challenge
what we’ve been taught and take steps to
undo the mis-education that most of us
have experienced so we can read so we
can redefine sexuality for ourselves
speaking of mis-education did you know
that there are no set standards for
sexuality education in our country we do
not mandate it because we’re scared
we’re terrified we’re afraid of what
that education equals permission one of
the greatest myths misunderstandings and
outright errors in thinking about human
sexuality is if we teach kids about sex
they’re going to go
rampantly into the streets and have all
of the sex but I am here to tell you and
I am happy to report that every bit of
research in the field informs us that
the exact opposite is true that kids who
have had adequate sexuality education
and whose parents are open and willing
to discuss sexual matters are more
likely to wait to have sex that means we
have to talk early and talk often when
those parents asked me day ok I get it
so when do you want me to start talking
to my kid about sex at home I say at
birth if it’s a little too late for that
I say today when policymakers ask me
when should we start sex ed in school my
answer is in kindergarten now I get a
little pushback here and I get it
because if we have the socio-cultural
viewpoint that sex is a what that sex ed
is a one-time thing it’s the talk right
so if we have that interpretation of it
people are gonna freak out thinking that
I’m advocating that we put condoms on
bananas in first grade and as adorable
as that might be from my heart sincerely
that is not what I’m going for European
countries have some of the lowest teen
pregnancy sexually transmitted infection
and sexual violence rates in the world
what do they teach in kindergarten not
the uterus and fallopian tube picture
that we saw they teach love empathy and
respect agency over their own bodies and
saying yes or no to hugs from friends
they highlight feelings kindness and
consent and for goodness sakes they
teach proper names for their body parts
no lose no TTS or vajayjays so pop quiz
are you guys ready are you ready for a
pop quiz ok boys have a penis and girls
have a oh dear
I’m so proud of you for trying so the
vagina is an internal structure the
penis is the external genitalia
so it would be boys have a penis and
girls have a vulva everybody say it with
me
vulva no I said say it with me
vulva right but it’s not your fault that
you didn’t know that it’s faulty sex
Edie because of the weird and backwards
way that we teach kids about their
reproductive parts yet we don’t do that
with any other part of their bodies like
hey everybody what’s this oh it’s my ear
it’s my earlobe fantastic right we teach
from the outside in offering concepts
that make sense and that are
developmentally appropriate eventually
I’ll talk to you about your tympanic
membrane and your cochlea but not just
yet and sexuality education should not
be any different how else do we get it
wrong well in areas of the United States
that do actually provide sex ed in
schools that can have a parental opt-out
for health class or they can have
children could be mandated to sign a
contract which prohibits them from
discussing the lessons outside of class
can you imagine having an opt-out for
something is crucial and as important as
math or reading
can you imagine telling Johnny or Sally
like hey it’s really inappropriate for
you to be talking about the periodic
table so so even when we are providing
sex ed we are systematically in not so
subtle ways telling kids that learning
about your body and talking about it is
wrong how do you think those same kids
are going to fare when it’s time to ask
a partner if they brought a condom or if
they’ve been tested quality
comprehensive sexuality education not
only helps us to reduce teen pregnancy
and STI transmission but sex IDI is
sexual violence prevention when we can
talk about the good stuff
like pleasure procreation and love for
our full whole selves will finally be
able to have meaningful and impactful
dialogues about the hard stuff like
sexual harassment victimization and
violence
if the me2 movement USA Gymnastics
scandal and the public health epidemic
of childhood sexual abuse has taught us
anything it’s when we shroud sex in
secrecy and shame
it keeps victims silent it keeps
bystanders questioning themselves and it
keeps perpetrators free to continue to
abuse increasing our communication about
sexual matters if we want to do that we
need to be approachable and be askable
being askable means talking with our
kids and our partners and it means not
being afraid our greatest barrier to
being askable is our own fear or
embarrassment that is grownups
we still don’t have all the answers
about sex but we can break barriers we
don’t have to be perfect it’s okay to
say I don’t know let’s not be afraid to
say you know what this is embarrassing
or it’s awkward for me and maybe it is
for you too but it’s important because
you’re important so let’s figure it out
together there are resources and support
available so that we can all do our part
in creating meaningful change and if you
need any help don’t hesitate to ask John
H Glen Elementary’s unofficial sexuality
educator now your friendly neighborhood
sex therapist because it is my dream for
all of us to give ourselves permission
to develop a comfortable confident
working vocabulary so that we can
communicate openly about healthy happy wonderful sex
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