say to you is I am NOT a priest I have
deliberately worn this to worry you
because the moment I came out in this
outfit some of you will have thought to
yourself oh dear
is there a chance we’re about to hear
about Jesus it is the weekend I’m in a
dark room filled with a lot of people
this is the last possible place I
expected to hear about the Messiah there
will be some of us watching online right
now who’ve already gone no no I came
here for a TED talk I came here for
opinions and perspectives but not
opinions and perspectives I implicitly
disagree I don’t doubt that that back to
the cats and porn I wear this to make a
little point about the nature of
information you should be aware whenever
you see somebody talking on a stage or
on the screen that you are watching a
performance everything is information
now a man walks under the stage dressed
as a priest is he a priest well hang on
he just said he’s not a priest and yet
everything we have seen today has been
presented as authentic if I am NOT a
priest where is the priest is he dead
has he killed and robbed a priest is it
blasphemy to dress as a priest if you
are not a priest and if I’m an atheist
then pray tell what is blasphemy to
answer those questions in order yes the
priest is dead no I didn’t kill him
taking old clothes out of my mother’s
back shed is not robbery it’s
technically looting and blasphemy to an
atheist would be the acknowledgement
that Richard Dawkins is a pom
the sold windbag and I have not faith
but empirical evidence that that is true
because he is old and he is pompous and
I’ve heard him blow the wind about I
think therefore I am and I think
somebody is a jerk
therefore they are cookie dough jerk Oh
bum and my name is John Robertson and
what a great pleasure it is to be with
you now everything is information now
this is going out online right now and
what I mean by that is the following
ladies and gentlemen everything is
information to the viewer online a
priest was just heard to remark that
Richard Dawkins was a pompous old
windbag if that’s not a remix by
Thursday YouTube I will be tremendously
disappointed everything is information
human beings our information now each
and every one of you knows that
implicitly because you know what DNA is
because Jurassic Park taught you but not
one of you is the product of blood
extracted from an old fossilized
mosquito you were each and every one of
you a combination of genetic info that
mingled on a fine night when a
combination of societal expectation
alcohol popular music and convenience
made your parents briefly put the
writing on the pelvic wall we are
information human beings are made of
information we eat information we
produce information we consume
information and that is what you are
doing here today now right now I am
talking to three audiences in front of
me and what I can only assume are human
beings we have filled up this room and
that is good that is what human beings
do we are a virus and we are a virus so
successful we now pick our own
entertainment it’s true the human race
is a disease and what a confident
disease we are because only a disease
that was relatively you know certain it
had already killed the host body would
create a television show
like family feud but this talk is going
out to three sets of human beings I have
here the real people the people who are
present and may I say what a pleasure it
is to be here with you here together in
the Perth Concert Hall and then we have
you people hello
you people watching this on the
livestream what a pleasure it is to be
away from you and yet simultaneously
watched what I want you to understand
it’s not that I we didn’t want you here
it’s just that you’re sort of like the
relatives who were invited to the
barbecue but didn’t turn up and Skyped
in momentarily and we were glad you did
but we were also like yeah that’s okay
you know that’s it I want you to
understand that this this sensation of
being observed by eyes I cannot see
fills me with a sense of what I believe
doctors call paranoia that same feeling
that I get whenever I do anything
immoral by which I mean illegal by which
I mean fun and I say to the people who
are here hello and I love you I
genuinely do we are here together as
people and those of you who are out
there I say hello and I love you we
aren’t together as people but we are at
least doing roughly the same thing at
roughly the same time and to the third
audience for this talk the YouTube
viewer the person who will watch this at
some indeterminate amount of time from
now I say to you put on some pants and
get a job if you want to actually be
happy maybe actually buy a cat don’t
just watch videos of them falling down
you know you’re not happy you’re just
developing ringworm for the sole that’s
all I’ve got to say about that and those
of you who are currently commenting on
Twitter you’re just hecklers without the
we are here together collectively and
what I want to tell you people who are
here you the closest thousand people I
want to tell you that in 15 minutes the
world will change I want to tell you
that because you’ve paid a lot of money
to be here and I think you should
probably get the impression that
something is going to happen fine in 15
minutes the world will change and each
and every one of you will be the
catalyst for that change in 15 minutes I
will take a seed of information I will
place it inside you and you will be
incredibly pleased because you will have
a piece of information that no other
human being has had prior to now you
will be the patient zeros of a change
the virus that gets to spread out and do
with that information what you want you
will be the spark of a flame you will be
the beginning of a movement you will be
the twinge of the bell that suggests you
might want a book in a candle because
this is gonna take some time and the
results will be pungent I would like to
tell you that but it would be a lie in
15 minutes the world will be exactly the
same as it was 15 minutes to go because
what you are watching right now is a
product a packaged rehearsed marketed
homogenized product a TED talk goes
between 12 to 18 minutes with the
speaker standing rooted to a spot that
makes it look as though I’m currently
being targeted by the world’s largest
assassin to give you a sense of the
scale of this if this entire stage set
up if the Ted stage set up had been
present on that fateful day in Dallas in
1963 there would have been no conspiracy
about who shot JFK because one blast of
this would have taken out the entire
downtown area
and the presence of this logo would have
prompted exactly the same questions that
my grandfather asked me when I took this
gig which were who is Ted and what does
he want you see the minute that I leave
this dot we are finally together we are
connected I can see you don’t wear a
head indoors that’s what the ceilings
not gonna lie folks you’ve just
literally applauded a grown man bullying
a child and you’re happy about it and
aren’t you happy about it YouTube’s
given that’s how the internet works we
are now together and we are a fine
collective we can appreciate one another
I can in fact play my favorite game with
you people I see you and I’ve been to
the same hairdresser we can play my
favorite game and this is a game that
any of you can do it’s a game that you
do upon meeting three new people for the
first time and it works like this hello
hello that’s all
and what that produces at one point
we’re all together collectively then it
produces a performer and two audience
members and a victim now I want you to
understand you’re probably lovely in
every way but to them that’s all I’m
saying
just momentarily see we are now together
we can do something live just because we
are here amongst each other nice and
fast we go out to three different
audiences I will have a mission for you
the people watching on the livestream I
will have a mission for you and the
people watching this down the line on
YouTube you sicken me spending another
fine day in the bed that’s right let’s
know you and me just sitting there
scratching your ass just cherry-picking
a fine days thinking yeah that’s right
you know load up another TED talk yeah
you know just anything to delay the
inevitable
eBay binge you know I understand
don’t worry about it you know of course
I mean you don’t even have the bravery
to actually watch pornography do you
just read articles about the ethics and
imagine what could happen you know see
what gets me is this right now we are
for want of a better term something of a
platonic family this is the audience to
right now and I love you and the
audience that are watching live I love
you
but depressingly what we’re doing right
now isn’t for us it’s for the YouTube
viewer at the end of a TED talk the best
thing it can be unfortunately is a
product to go out online so that
somebody can binge it and their little
anonymous eyes can become another little
count my opinion will only have worth if
it gets about 4 million hits and this
bothers me ladies and gentlemen in every
single way because whenever you are
watching a performance you should be
informed you should know exactly how
that performance has been engineered
people place a lot of faith in brands
when I read the Guardian it doesn’t
matter to me that they apparently can’t
do an entire article without a typo I
believe them implicitly because my
political allegiance is with them this
is a bothersome thing now you guys are
currently sitting in a room that has
robbed you of your individuality you
came in here as people you are now
audience members youtubers out there you
know how anonymous you are because the
thing is when I you know mocked you
momentarily right if you didn’t like me
you could have hit me you know it’s in
the it’s wouldn’t have been socially
acceptable I’m not gonna lie thing is we
are together we are immediate the
commenter on YouTube and I say commenter
because in a way that’s what you are
they only have one way of expressing
themselves and that is this there is an
area beneath the video on YouTube in
which to write your opinions why is it
beneath the video well it’s almost like
these things are deliberately put there
because it’s not actually a field for
real criticism it is just another way of
getting you to stay on the website I
want you to imagine momentarily that you
were in a toilet you closed the door and
you suddenly realized that the door has
a special space for you to write down
all of your opinions and not gonna lie
if you’re upset about that right now
go on have a little youtube discussion
let’s see how long you can keep it away
from the subjects of Islam or the
Illuminati because we are live we can
come to a collective decision very very
early there’s a little shock of
recognition you can actually change
things just a teeny tiny bit just by
being present in a large mass and this
is without getting the pitchforks you
see you guys out there reality hasn’t
hit you you watch something you don’t
quite understand how it got to you if
you agree with it you just go yes that’s
for me this is bothersome always let
reality in truth this year I turned 31
and I my wife and our girlfriend yes
just accept what I’ve said and move on
hide ourselves a sex dungeon in London
now we are of course in Perth Western
Australia and if one were to build a sex
dungeon one would perhaps do it in the
hills where no one has ever gone and
successfully returned but in London real
estate is so high so very very expensive
that there are in fact no buildings that
are just purpose-built if you go to a
sex dungeon you discover that it shares
a wall with somebody’s flat which I
found out at 2:00 a.m.
while chained to a cross when there I
was and we suddenly heard a voice that
wasn’t one of ours say we can hear you
let reality in truth it won’t be a big
change that you make this is a theater
the seats of the law the only type of
social rebellions ever happened in this
joint is when people go outside during
the interval and go oh wasn’t that awful
and then whine about the cost of the
Maltesers in the foyer all I want to do
is be among you people to be the way a
human being should be and I will do
to you the dear livestreamer and to you
the dear youtube viewer we were just
talking about you because you see for
the last minute and a half now I know
you figured it out when the chairs are
empty but for the last minute and a half
nothing that you have seen has been real
the general point I’m making is if you
want to experience reality go outside
every once in a while and not just to
play pokemon go I thought I’d make a
yeah I thought I’d make a topical
reference for the three more months
that’s going to be relevant to learn the
mechanisms that produce the media that
you consume three question everything
question of ethically for any youtube
video this video now gets is another
view for my ass and on the internet
that’s as authentic as it gets good night goodbye