almost 50 years ago psychiatrist Richard
Ray and Thomas Holmes developed an
inventory of the most distressing human
experiences that we could have the
reason why that inventory is still with
us today is because of the unique way in
which they ranked those items you see
they ranked them on how much physical
illness they would cause over the next
six months number one on the list death
of a spouse the two divorced three
mental separation now
generally but not always for those three
to occur we need what comes in number
fourth on the list is imprisonment in an
institution now some say number seven
has been counted twice I don’t believe
that when the live stress inventory was
built back then a long-term relationship
pretty much equated to a marriage not so
now so for the purposes of this talk I’m
going to be including two facto
relationships common-law marriages and
same-sex marriages or same-sex
relationships soon hopefully to become
marriages and I can say for my work with
same-sex couples the principles
principles I’m about to talk about and
no different they they’re the same
across all relationships so in a modern
society we know that prevention is
better than cure we vaccinate against
polio diphtheria tetanus whooping cough
measles we have awareness campaigns for
melanoma stroke diabetes all important
campaigns but none of those conditions
come close to affecting forty five
percent
of us 45% that’s our current divorce
rate and we’re talking about 45% of
people experiencing the pain of divorce
those other experiences said that the
there and their children of course that
sit at the very top of the live stress
inventory why no prevention campaign for
divorce well I think it’s because our
policymakers don’t believe that things
like attraction and the way
relationships are built is changeable or
educable why well our policy makers
currently are Generation X during their
30s to 50s and when I’m talking to these
guys about these issues I see their eyes
glaze over and I can see them thinking
doesn’t this crazy psychiatrist get it
you can’t control the way in which
people attract other people and build
relationships why I know I said a bit
like a four-year-old why well it’s
because there’s a thing that sits behind
this which I call romantic destiny
romantic destiny is the idea that for
all of us out there is of the one and
destiny will take us along the path we
will meet the one and live happily ever
after
now romantic destiny is fine and dandy
while divorce was rare but the rarity of
divorce was not because people were
finding the one magically and living
happily ever after divorce was rare
because it wasn’t socially acceptable
there’s another reason which actually
came up in my relationships therapy
group yesterday morning one of the
female members said yeah that’s hard
work dating I’d much rather leave it to
romantic destiny and that way I wouldn’t
have to kiss as many frogs and what
she’s arguing is this idea that yes
letting go of that responsibility
appears to have its advantages but this
whole idea of the love marriage and the
romantic destiny that sits behind it has
only been around for a couple of hundred
years as late as the 18th century the
French philosopher Montesquieu said
quote any man who loves his woman is
probably too dull to be attractive to
another woman only the French but it was
until the 19th century with the
Industrial Revolution the rise of a
middle class that men could afford to
get married without the support or
approval of their parents now
fast-forward to 1967 Ronald Reagan then
Governor of California signs into law
the first no-fault divorce bill this is
the beginning of divorce being available
to the masses in 1950 in the 50s 11% of
children experienced divorce by the
1970s
45% of the children born to those
marriages were going to go on to
experience the pain and turmoil of
divorce
that was Generation X the first
generation to experience large-scale
divorce so it’s understandable they’re a
little bit reluctant to give up the
romantic destiny idea not so our dear
Millennials this is the most information
connected analytical and skeptical
generation making the most informed
decisions of any generation before them
and when I talk to Millennials I get a
very different reaction they actually
want to hear about this they want to
know about how do we have relationships
that last so for those of you who want
to embrace the post romantic destiny era
with me let me talk about my three life
hacks for preventing divorce now we can
inter intervene to prevent divorce at
two points later once the cracks begin
to appear in an established relationship
or earlier before we commit before we
have children and that’s where I’m going
to take us now so my first life hack
Millennials spend seven plus hours on
their devices our day its American data
and some say probably not unreasonably
this is probably affected their
face-to-face relationships indeed and
add to that the hook-up culture there go
apps like tinder and it’s no great
surprise that the 20-somethings that I
work with will often talk to me about
how it is often easier for them to have
sex with somebody that they’ve met and
have a meaningful conversation now some
say this is a bad thing I say this is a
really good thing it’s a particularly
good thing to be having sex outside of
the institution of marriage now before
you go and get all moral on me
remember that Generation X and the
American public report they found that
91% of women had had premarital sex by
the age of 30 91% but it’s a
particularly good thing that these
relationships are happening later see
boomers in the 60s they were getting
married that’s an average age for women
of 20 and 23 for men 2015 in Australia
that is now 30 for women and 32 for men
that’s a good thing because the older
you are when you get married the lower
your divorce phone and it’s dramatically
long as you can see here it is
spectacularly dangerous to get married
the sweet spot is 32 and a half which
they’re now doing why why is it helpful
to get married later three reasons
firstly getting married later allows the
other to preventers of divorce to come
into play they are tertiary education
and a higher income which tends to go
with tourists for education so these
three factors all kind of get mixed up
together number two
neuroplasticity research tells us that
the human brain is still growing until
at least the age of 25 so that means how
you’re thinking and what you’re thinking
is still changing up until 25 and
thirdly and most importantly to my mind
is personality your personality age of
20 does not correlate with your
personality at the age of 50 but your
person at the age of 30 does correlate
with your personality at the age of 50
so when I ask somebody who got married
young why they broke up and they say we
grew apart they’re being surprisingly
accurate because the 20s is a decade of
rapid change and maturation so the first
thing you want to get before you get
married is older
[Applause]
number two John Gottman psychologist and
relationship researcher can tell us many
factors that could correlate with a
happy successful marriage but the one
that I want to talk about is a big one
eighty-one percent of marriages implode
self-destruct if this problem is present
and the second reason I want to talk
about it here is because it’s something
you can evaluate while you’re dating
Gottman found that the relationships to
a most stable and happy over the longer
term were relationships in which the
couple shared a power they were
influenceable big decisions by buying a
house overseas overseas trip buying a
car having children but when Gottman
drilled down on this data what he found
was that women were generally pretty
influenceable guess where the problem
lie yeahthere’s having two options here
isn’t it yeah we men were to blame the
other thing the government found is that
men who are influenceable also tended to
be quote outstanding fathers unquote so
met so women how influenceable is your
man men you’re with that becomes your
respecter make sure that respect plays
I’m often intrigued by why couples come
into seeming after they’ve been married
for 30 or 40 years this is a time when
they’re approaching the infirmities and
illness of old age at the time when
they’re particularly focused on caring
for each other don’t forgive things that
have bugged them for years they’ll
forgive old betrayals even infidelities
because they’re focused on caring for it
so what brings what pulls them apart the
best word I have for this is reliability
or the lack thereof does your partner
have your back it takes two forms
firstly can you rely on your partner to
do what they say they’re going to do do
they follow through secondly if for
example you’re out you’re being verbally
attacked by somebody or you’re suffering
from a really disabling illness does
your partner’s step up and do what needs
to be done to leave you feeling cared
for and protected and here’s the rub if
you’re facing old age and your partner
isn’t doing that for you in fact you’re
having to do that to them then in an
already fragile relationship it can look
a bit like you might be better off out
of it rather than in it so is your
partner there for you when it really
matters
not all the time 80% of the time but
particularly if it’s important to you on
your side think carefully before you
commit to do something for your partner
it is much better to commit to as much
as you can follow-through than to commit
to more sound good in the moment and
then let them down and if it’s really
important to your partner and you commit
to it make sure you move hell and high
water to follow through now these are
things that I’m saying you can look for
don’t worry these are also things that
can be built in existing relationship
I believe that the most important
decision that you can make is who you
choose as a life partner who you choose
as the other parent of your children
and of course romance has to be there
romances a grand and beautiful and
quirky thing but we need to add to a
romantic loving heart an informed
thoughtful mind as we make the most
important decision of our lives thank
you [Applause]
Ray and Thomas Holmes developed an
inventory of the most distressing human
experiences that we could have the
reason why that inventory is still with
us today is because of the unique way in
which they ranked those items you see
they ranked them on how much physical
illness they would cause over the next
six months number one on the list death
of a spouse the two divorced three
mental separation now
generally but not always for those three
to occur we need what comes in number
fourth on the list is imprisonment in an
institution now some say number seven
has been counted twice I don’t believe
that when the live stress inventory was
built back then a long-term relationship
pretty much equated to a marriage not so
now so for the purposes of this talk I’m
going to be including two facto
relationships common-law marriages and
same-sex marriages or same-sex
relationships soon hopefully to become
marriages and I can say for my work with
same-sex couples the principles
principles I’m about to talk about and
no different they they’re the same
across all relationships so in a modern
society we know that prevention is
better than cure we vaccinate against
polio diphtheria tetanus whooping cough
measles we have awareness campaigns for
melanoma stroke diabetes all important
campaigns but none of those conditions
come close to affecting forty five
percent
of us 45% that’s our current divorce
rate and we’re talking about 45% of
people experiencing the pain of divorce
those other experiences said that the
there and their children of course that
sit at the very top of the live stress
inventory why no prevention campaign for
divorce well I think it’s because our
policymakers don’t believe that things
like attraction and the way
relationships are built is changeable or
educable why well our policy makers
currently are Generation X during their
30s to 50s and when I’m talking to these
guys about these issues I see their eyes
glaze over and I can see them thinking
doesn’t this crazy psychiatrist get it
you can’t control the way in which
people attract other people and build
relationships why I know I said a bit
like a four-year-old why well it’s
because there’s a thing that sits behind
this which I call romantic destiny
romantic destiny is the idea that for
all of us out there is of the one and
destiny will take us along the path we
will meet the one and live happily ever
after
now romantic destiny is fine and dandy
while divorce was rare but the rarity of
divorce was not because people were
finding the one magically and living
happily ever after divorce was rare
because it wasn’t socially acceptable
there’s another reason which actually
came up in my relationships therapy
group yesterday morning one of the
female members said yeah that’s hard
work dating I’d much rather leave it to
romantic destiny and that way I wouldn’t
have to kiss as many frogs and what
she’s arguing is this idea that yes
letting go of that responsibility
appears to have its advantages but this
whole idea of the love marriage and the
romantic destiny that sits behind it has
only been around for a couple of hundred
years as late as the 18th century the
French philosopher Montesquieu said
quote any man who loves his woman is
probably too dull to be attractive to
another woman only the French but it was
until the 19th century with the
Industrial Revolution the rise of a
middle class that men could afford to
get married without the support or
approval of their parents now
fast-forward to 1967 Ronald Reagan then
Governor of California signs into law
the first no-fault divorce bill this is
the beginning of divorce being available
to the masses in 1950 in the 50s 11% of
children experienced divorce by the
1970s
45% of the children born to those
marriages were going to go on to
experience the pain and turmoil of
divorce
that was Generation X the first
generation to experience large-scale
divorce so it’s understandable they’re a
little bit reluctant to give up the
romantic destiny idea not so our dear
Millennials this is the most information
connected analytical and skeptical
generation making the most informed
decisions of any generation before them
and when I talk to Millennials I get a
very different reaction they actually
want to hear about this they want to
know about how do we have relationships
that last so for those of you who want
to embrace the post romantic destiny era
with me let me talk about my three life
hacks for preventing divorce now we can
inter intervene to prevent divorce at
two points later once the cracks begin
to appear in an established relationship
or earlier before we commit before we
have children and that’s where I’m going
to take us now so my first life hack
Millennials spend seven plus hours on
their devices our day its American data
and some say probably not unreasonably
this is probably affected their
face-to-face relationships indeed and
add to that the hook-up culture there go
apps like tinder and it’s no great
surprise that the 20-somethings that I
work with will often talk to me about
how it is often easier for them to have
sex with somebody that they’ve met and
have a meaningful conversation now some
say this is a bad thing I say this is a
really good thing it’s a particularly
good thing to be having sex outside of
the institution of marriage now before
you go and get all moral on me
remember that Generation X and the
American public report they found that
91% of women had had premarital sex by
the age of 30 91% but it’s a
particularly good thing that these
relationships are happening later see
boomers in the 60s they were getting
married that’s an average age for women
of 20 and 23 for men 2015 in Australia
that is now 30 for women and 32 for men
that’s a good thing because the older
you are when you get married the lower
your divorce phone and it’s dramatically
long as you can see here it is
spectacularly dangerous to get married
the sweet spot is 32 and a half which
they’re now doing why why is it helpful
to get married later three reasons
firstly getting married later allows the
other to preventers of divorce to come
into play they are tertiary education
and a higher income which tends to go
with tourists for education so these
three factors all kind of get mixed up
together number two
neuroplasticity research tells us that
the human brain is still growing until
at least the age of 25 so that means how
you’re thinking and what you’re thinking
is still changing up until 25 and
thirdly and most importantly to my mind
is personality your personality age of
20 does not correlate with your
personality at the age of 50 but your
person at the age of 30 does correlate
with your personality at the age of 50
so when I ask somebody who got married
young why they broke up and they say we
grew apart they’re being surprisingly
accurate because the 20s is a decade of
rapid change and maturation so the first
thing you want to get before you get
married is older
[Applause]
number two John Gottman psychologist and
relationship researcher can tell us many
factors that could correlate with a
happy successful marriage but the one
that I want to talk about is a big one
eighty-one percent of marriages implode
self-destruct if this problem is present
and the second reason I want to talk
about it here is because it’s something
you can evaluate while you’re dating
Gottman found that the relationships to
a most stable and happy over the longer
term were relationships in which the
couple shared a power they were
influenceable big decisions by buying a
house overseas overseas trip buying a
car having children but when Gottman
drilled down on this data what he found
was that women were generally pretty
influenceable guess where the problem
lie yeahthere’s having two options here
isn’t it yeah we men were to blame the
other thing the government found is that
men who are influenceable also tended to
be quote outstanding fathers unquote so
met so women how influenceable is your
man men you’re with that becomes your
respecter make sure that respect plays
I’m often intrigued by why couples come
into seeming after they’ve been married
for 30 or 40 years this is a time when
they’re approaching the infirmities and
illness of old age at the time when
they’re particularly focused on caring
for each other don’t forgive things that
have bugged them for years they’ll
forgive old betrayals even infidelities
because they’re focused on caring for it
so what brings what pulls them apart the
best word I have for this is reliability
or the lack thereof does your partner
have your back it takes two forms
firstly can you rely on your partner to
do what they say they’re going to do do
they follow through secondly if for
example you’re out you’re being verbally
attacked by somebody or you’re suffering
from a really disabling illness does
your partner’s step up and do what needs
to be done to leave you feeling cared
for and protected and here’s the rub if
you’re facing old age and your partner
isn’t doing that for you in fact you’re
having to do that to them then in an
already fragile relationship it can look
a bit like you might be better off out
of it rather than in it so is your
partner there for you when it really
matters
not all the time 80% of the time but
particularly if it’s important to you on
your side think carefully before you
commit to do something for your partner
it is much better to commit to as much
as you can follow-through than to commit
to more sound good in the moment and
then let them down and if it’s really
important to your partner and you commit
to it make sure you move hell and high
water to follow through now these are
things that I’m saying you can look for
don’t worry these are also things that
can be built in existing relationship
I believe that the most important
decision that you can make is who you
choose as a life partner who you choose
as the other parent of your children
and of course romance has to be there
romances a grand and beautiful and
quirky thing but we need to add to a
romantic loving heart an informed
thoughtful mind as we make the most
important decision of our lives thank
you [Applause]
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