growing up I loved to perform being on
stage and performing felt like the most
natural thing in the world and I was a
bold performer I was never fearful never
got nervous it was actually the opposite
being on stage brought out the best in
me even better than what I could produce
in the practice room so you may not be a
pianist but can relate to this kind of
feeling where what you do might look
like hard work to other people but for
you it’s your passion it comes easily to
you and it’s an escape that you can’t
wait to sink your teeth in as a child I
dreamed of becoming an artist and
performing professionally and I get to
do that now and I feel so incredibly
lucky but along the way I went from
being a bold performer into developing
crippling stage fright
coupled with bouts of intense anxiety
and depression around performing so who
can relate to this you were once
fearless in your pursuit but then
something happened and you became
fearful and anxious and depressed around
the very thing that you love to do I’m
here to tell you what fear tries to
steal from you
and how you can get it back so you can
get back to enjoying what you love to do
when I was younger I had an
extraordinary piano teacher her name was
Ellen Arsenyev and in our lessons she
was always talking to me about this
sound and how to produce magic in this
sound the sound is the core of
everything that I do as an artist and a
musician it’s what gives those black
dots on the page
which are the notes and the piece of
wood that is my instrument any kind of
meeting and creating meaningful sound is
all that matters in music the opposite
of focusing on the sound are things that
was sometimes we get caught up in
getting distracted trying to impress
people worrying about our egos alehna
inspired me encouraged me to use my
creativity and imagination to create
these stories and dialogue with
characters and vivid imagery to make
this wonderful music that I love so much
come alive but most importantly she
truly believed in me as both a person
and an artist she inspired me to trust
in my gift then I went off to college
and I met a professor who was the
complete opposite of Elena and he was a
bully so I thought bullies had left my
life in fifth grade permanently but come
to find out I would meet one again face
to face in college and he would come in
the in the form of a professor and he
was a bully he put me down every single
time he saw me he humiliated me in front
of my peers and other faculty members
but worse still he used the piano my
passion as a tool to attack my character
around this time I started to doubt
myself I started having bad performances
and I really just wanted to give up so
there I was miserable and having to
decide whether or not I should continue
but the thing was I remembered how much
I loved performing and I remembered how
great it felt and I thought if I worked
really hard I could get that feeling
back somehow
and then I wouldn’t let this one person
take this from me so you know what I did
this is when we cue the rocky comeback
music okay because I went for it I moved
to New York City I got my masters and
then I dove deep into becoming that
artist that I always wanted to become I
worked on interesting projects I worked
with amazing artists that I followed for
years I performed in venues that I
dreamed of performing it as a child I
did it I was living the dream everything
was great I I showed him yeah I did it I
was living the dream
except he saw this coming right except I
wasn’t
I really wasn’t because the truth was
this I was scared
the entire time every time I walked on
stage I was terrified and I always
thought to myself this this is one
they’ll figure out that he was right
about me the key to performing at your
highest levels and getting back what
fear took from you which for the record
is your confidence your joy your pride
great daring is this you have to give
yourself permission to believe in people
again even though people may not have
always believed in you what Professor
bully took from me was his fearlessness
that I had and knowing that I’m worthy
of being on this stage but I have to
admit that I didn’t get to this
realization on my own I worked really
hard and it took a long time of learning
and trying new things and experimenting
and one thing that was really pivotal
and life-changing for me was this
meditation exercise called performing
beyond fear
and it was created by Madeline bruiser
and in this meditation exercise you
focus on some core principles and one
principle that was the most
transformational for me was called basic
goodness of audience basic goodness of
audience is thinking about what and who
your audience is why they come and what
you want to give them what Professor
really did was he systematically
instilled in me this idea of a hyper
critical audience that was just waiting
to see me fall flat on my face because
that’s who he was for me I began to see
everybody like that
not just in audiences but in all areas
of my life the key though is that I had
to remember that people come to
performances because they want to be
moved and inspired they’re not there to
see failure failure they expect beauty
and I get this in a way that I never had
before because when I first did this
meditation performing beyond fear it
brought to mind people who’ve written me
and Express how much they enjoyed a
particular performance of mine and I
remember a lot of those times feeling
like I didn’t perform well at all there
was this one time that I was performing
a piece written for me by this composer
who was in the audience and I was a
nervous wreck and I remember feeling so
badly about how this performance went
and I was so embarrassed come to find
out later I found out that this one
audience member was incredibly moved by
this particular piece and he even
thought I was so elegant and calm when I
was really shaking like a leaf inside
this person had a completely different
elevated experience and the one I was
having in my head he had come to the
performance expecting to be moved
so he was I wonder what would happen if
we could trust in ourselves that we’d
always be this effective well we’d be
effective it’s easy to remember all the
bad experiences and the people who’ve
hurt you
professor bully was not the only person
it will not be the only person who’s put
me down in my life and I suspect that
for many of you you may come across
people like this in your lives as well
the key is to not allow things to be
taken from us but if they are we must
decide to regain what was lost and
actively work towards that I have
confidence now in knowing the basic
goodness of the audience and that they
come to be moved and inspired by the
music that I create they’re not there to
judge me whether you know things don’t
go perfectly or if I make mistakes I
wonder what would happen if we could
always believe in people this way and
sure there may be people in the audience
you do want to see me fail I have no
idea of knowing and maybe there always
be people like that but I understand the
basic goodness of the audience that I
want to serve and that I’m performing
for and I also understand for the first
time the basic goodness that I have in
myself and wanting to create that sound
and magic that Ilana had taught me all
those years ago that at the core I want
to move and inspire people through music
and in everything I want to do in my
life that’s what I want to do so I’m
gonna admit something to you I came here
thinking I was gonna play something
super flashy for you because for years I
thought this is how I needed to prove
myself but I don’t do that anymore and I
only play stuff that I like and I love
this piece
little midnight Nocturne by Fred Hirsch
and it has this sound and it’s so
beautiful in the opening passage I want
you to imagine being alone on a quiet
Street on a dark foggy evening and
hearing this quiet and stillness that is
the beauty of this world and I hope that
you’re removed and inspired by it
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
[Applause]
stage and performing felt like the most
natural thing in the world and I was a
bold performer I was never fearful never
got nervous it was actually the opposite
being on stage brought out the best in
me even better than what I could produce
in the practice room so you may not be a
pianist but can relate to this kind of
feeling where what you do might look
like hard work to other people but for
you it’s your passion it comes easily to
you and it’s an escape that you can’t
wait to sink your teeth in as a child I
dreamed of becoming an artist and
performing professionally and I get to
do that now and I feel so incredibly
lucky but along the way I went from
being a bold performer into developing
crippling stage fright
coupled with bouts of intense anxiety
and depression around performing so who
can relate to this you were once
fearless in your pursuit but then
something happened and you became
fearful and anxious and depressed around
the very thing that you love to do I’m
here to tell you what fear tries to
steal from you
and how you can get it back so you can
get back to enjoying what you love to do
when I was younger I had an
extraordinary piano teacher her name was
Ellen Arsenyev and in our lessons she
was always talking to me about this
sound and how to produce magic in this
sound the sound is the core of
everything that I do as an artist and a
musician it’s what gives those black
dots on the page
which are the notes and the piece of
wood that is my instrument any kind of
meeting and creating meaningful sound is
all that matters in music the opposite
of focusing on the sound are things that
was sometimes we get caught up in
getting distracted trying to impress
people worrying about our egos alehna
inspired me encouraged me to use my
creativity and imagination to create
these stories and dialogue with
characters and vivid imagery to make
this wonderful music that I love so much
come alive but most importantly she
truly believed in me as both a person
and an artist she inspired me to trust
in my gift then I went off to college
and I met a professor who was the
complete opposite of Elena and he was a
bully so I thought bullies had left my
life in fifth grade permanently but come
to find out I would meet one again face
to face in college and he would come in
the in the form of a professor and he
was a bully he put me down every single
time he saw me he humiliated me in front
of my peers and other faculty members
but worse still he used the piano my
passion as a tool to attack my character
around this time I started to doubt
myself I started having bad performances
and I really just wanted to give up so
there I was miserable and having to
decide whether or not I should continue
but the thing was I remembered how much
I loved performing and I remembered how
great it felt and I thought if I worked
really hard I could get that feeling
back somehow
and then I wouldn’t let this one person
take this from me so you know what I did
this is when we cue the rocky comeback
music okay because I went for it I moved
to New York City I got my masters and
then I dove deep into becoming that
artist that I always wanted to become I
worked on interesting projects I worked
with amazing artists that I followed for
years I performed in venues that I
dreamed of performing it as a child I
did it I was living the dream everything
was great I I showed him yeah I did it I
was living the dream
except he saw this coming right except I
wasn’t
I really wasn’t because the truth was
this I was scared
the entire time every time I walked on
stage I was terrified and I always
thought to myself this this is one
they’ll figure out that he was right
about me the key to performing at your
highest levels and getting back what
fear took from you which for the record
is your confidence your joy your pride
great daring is this you have to give
yourself permission to believe in people
again even though people may not have
always believed in you what Professor
bully took from me was his fearlessness
that I had and knowing that I’m worthy
of being on this stage but I have to
admit that I didn’t get to this
realization on my own I worked really
hard and it took a long time of learning
and trying new things and experimenting
and one thing that was really pivotal
and life-changing for me was this
meditation exercise called performing
beyond fear
and it was created by Madeline bruiser
and in this meditation exercise you
focus on some core principles and one
principle that was the most
transformational for me was called basic
goodness of audience basic goodness of
audience is thinking about what and who
your audience is why they come and what
you want to give them what Professor
really did was he systematically
instilled in me this idea of a hyper
critical audience that was just waiting
to see me fall flat on my face because
that’s who he was for me I began to see
everybody like that
not just in audiences but in all areas
of my life the key though is that I had
to remember that people come to
performances because they want to be
moved and inspired they’re not there to
see failure failure they expect beauty
and I get this in a way that I never had
before because when I first did this
meditation performing beyond fear it
brought to mind people who’ve written me
and Express how much they enjoyed a
particular performance of mine and I
remember a lot of those times feeling
like I didn’t perform well at all there
was this one time that I was performing
a piece written for me by this composer
who was in the audience and I was a
nervous wreck and I remember feeling so
badly about how this performance went
and I was so embarrassed come to find
out later I found out that this one
audience member was incredibly moved by
this particular piece and he even
thought I was so elegant and calm when I
was really shaking like a leaf inside
this person had a completely different
elevated experience and the one I was
having in my head he had come to the
performance expecting to be moved
so he was I wonder what would happen if
we could trust in ourselves that we’d
always be this effective well we’d be
effective it’s easy to remember all the
bad experiences and the people who’ve
hurt you
professor bully was not the only person
it will not be the only person who’s put
me down in my life and I suspect that
for many of you you may come across
people like this in your lives as well
the key is to not allow things to be
taken from us but if they are we must
decide to regain what was lost and
actively work towards that I have
confidence now in knowing the basic
goodness of the audience and that they
come to be moved and inspired by the
music that I create they’re not there to
judge me whether you know things don’t
go perfectly or if I make mistakes I
wonder what would happen if we could
always believe in people this way and
sure there may be people in the audience
you do want to see me fail I have no
idea of knowing and maybe there always
be people like that but I understand the
basic goodness of the audience that I
want to serve and that I’m performing
for and I also understand for the first
time the basic goodness that I have in
myself and wanting to create that sound
and magic that Ilana had taught me all
those years ago that at the core I want
to move and inspire people through music
and in everything I want to do in my
life that’s what I want to do so I’m
gonna admit something to you I came here
thinking I was gonna play something
super flashy for you because for years I
thought this is how I needed to prove
myself but I don’t do that anymore and I
only play stuff that I like and I love
this piece
little midnight Nocturne by Fred Hirsch
and it has this sound and it’s so
beautiful in the opening passage I want
you to imagine being alone on a quiet
Street on a dark foggy evening and
hearing this quiet and stillness that is
the beauty of this world and I hope that
you’re removed and inspired by it
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
[Applause]
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