when I was first asked to do this I
suppose I was kind of feeling like I
don’t know like
sure about what I talked about and I’m
not like an expert on anything and then
I thought again and I kind of get asked
the same questions every day whether it
be through an interview or through young
girls and boys messaging me on snapchat
or online on Twitter and Instagram and
the questions are usually how did you
get into your job so young what
difficulties do you face in your job and
how do you say so happy all the time
when you’re so busy and so I kind of
reply to these questions and I’ve
answered interviews and given these
answers but I’ve never really told like
the whole story behind things and I’ve
never really given a full answer whoever
actually explained like the whole truth
I suppose so we’ve just been a little
tastes maybe because I’ve been a bit
scared or there’s never been the right
time or just not the right platform and
so I’ve been asked to do this today I
was like okay well there’s the platform
and time and wise I feel like now more
than ever it’s so important for people
with a platform and people with a follow
in to show transparency and to show
truth and honesty behind the highlight
reel of Instagram and Twitter and behind
all the flashing lights and cameras and
everyone’s filtered edited images and
stuff for someone that has got people
that look up to them to be honest about
their experiences in hope that maybe
someone in this audience or someone
that’s watching at home online hello
might relate to something I say or might
be going through something that I’ve
been through before and it could help
them come out the other way or just give
them some kind of hope so I’m gonna talk
about myself and my life starting all
the way back from where I was born in
Bristol
I grew up which is like a small safe
outside of London and Bristol is an
amazing place I don’t know if anyone’s
been there before but growing up there
like people are really happy I always
felt safe like it was just it was
beautiful it was absolutely lovely
my mum’s Swedish and Scottish actually
and my dad’s from Somalia but they’re
both British so I grew up with them in a
nice little house from very little house
in st. Paul’s in Bristol and when I was
about three my dad went to jail which at
the time I suppose I was three years old
so I didn’t really know what was going
on
around that stage of him first going to
gel it all felt kind of normal so I grew
up with my younger brother who’s 19 our
two years below me and my most I so my
strongest memories of around that time
of the initial experience of going to
visit him in jail and we’d get into the
car and we’d have like I do they and you
get little sweets and it always felt
like a little road trip it was never
like this is a very big place but
thinking back on it now like you’d go as
a tiny little child you’d fall asleep in
the car and end up outside this huge
gray building and get searched by dogs
and then have to sit across the table
and have the conversation with a man
that you were slowly not really
recognizing or not really showing much
interest to because he was always there
and I was always at home and I was
having this life with my mum and my
aunties and my Nana and granddad on his
side and my family were always so
supportive and did everything that I
suppose the dad would do that I didn’t
ever feel like I was missing out on
anything so when I go to nursery or when
I go to primary school and everybody
would be talking I never felt like I was
missing out on anything and my life
seemed perfect apart from these weird
little trips that we’d have to keep on
doing to prisons in Wales and I don’t
know across the other side of the sea so
that went on I kind of continued to
visit him and have this distant
relationship with my dad and it wasn’t
like one long sentence that he got it
was always like maybe like a year or two
and then come out and go back in and
then by the age of 10 I think around ten
it kind of got a bit exhausting and I
remember thinking I’m starting to go to
my friend’s house is now and I’m saying
their family’s out and they’ve got these
amazing relationships with their dads
and their dad’s always there and takes
them out two trips and I was like well I
don’t do that and yeah I have amazing
aunties and Nana granddad that do stuff
but that’s not really fair like you
should probably be making a bit more
effort to stop doing bad things and I
was at the age where I realized like
it’s a choice it’s not something that
you’re forced to do you don’t have to be
in jail basically so I decided stop
visiting here
at 10:00 around 10:00 11:00 and I
remember one day he’d come home not home
but he’d come to my Nana granddad’s
house where I was at the time and he
asked to speak to me and I was just like
no I don’t want to speak to you anymore
and I’d also kind of realized like that
he wasn’t so good to my mom and just all
of these things kind of started to make
sense to me at that age and I just
completely cut off contact with him
my little brother decided to still see
him but I was just kind of over it so
went past primary school into secondary
school now and this is where I kind of
start talking about my career and I’ve
always been like a loud like show or fie
performing artsy person where I go
downstairs and perform the no doubt
album with dance routines and acting
segments to Menomonie stepdad like come
on watch me and like make all the family
relatives sit down and watch my serious
performance of like I don’t know Bob the
Builder
so I did all of that stuff started
secondary school and was like yeah like
loved it made amazing friends had an
amazing childhood basically an early
teens everything was perfect enjoyed it
and I remember having conversations with
like family members and stuff in like
year seven and eight and they’d be like
what you want to be when you’re older
what you want to do and I’d always be
like I’m not really sure how I’m gonna
get there but like I’m definitely gonna
be on TV or I’m gonna be someone that’s
in the adverts or on the screen and like
part of me really really believes that I
would and I’m not sure where it came
from but it was kind of like an inner
thing of like what I’m gonna do that
because there’s nothing else I want to
do I’ve never even allowed any other
career option to enter my mind it’s just
been like yep he’s gonna be this person
and that’s gonna happen and thinking
back on it now it’s like I’m not really
sure if that’s like a naivety or just
like in my own little glorious bubble of
like dream but it was real enough to me
at the time and yeah obviously worked
out in the end but yes I always had this
idea went through school and got to year
10 does anyone remember skins the show
yeah that skins so that was shot in
Bristol and they would go around the
school was to cast for four skins so I
was 15 and they came to our school when
I was like right this is my chance I’m
gonna go in there and well
everyone like this really excited little
girl and they came in and I did that I
don’t even really remember my
performance but I know I was so excited
and literally like in the hallway to my
friends like yeah so did that ended up
getting to the last round of like I
don’t even know how many hundreds of
kids they’d seen to be one of the main
characters and then got to the last
audition did it left thinking yeah this
is it like I’ve got it and actually sat
in my kitchen once I remember like
having this conversation my mom and
being like what am I gonna do I’m gonna
be famous like how am I gonna sell my
friends like it’s so convinced that this
was going to be it that like no one
could tell me any difference and I kind
of missed that confidence so I had been
because I suppose as you get older
reality and everything else and it
doesn’t seem so real but yeah super
super confidence and then I didn’t get
it and I was like oh right well now and
half of it made me feel like I don’t
want to do anymore like I don’t want to
act I don’t want to put myself out there
and get so convinced and telling my
friends I’m gonna be like the next I
don’t know Jennifer Lawrence but and
then not have it but the other half of
me was like well no out of all of these
hundreds of kids
I’m obviously good enough to get to that
stage so why not carry on and keep
pushing forward and going for more
auditions so that’s someone and went in
joins an acting class and applied for
these auditions and went out and just
did as much as I could because I still
had this like huge hunger inside of me
and then got to year 11 and continued
were there and was like yep this is what
I want to do we were choosing our levels
and everything after that so I went on
to sixth form in cotton cotton school in
Bristol and I chose what I did sociology
performing arts BT media and English Lit
and so I member starting those but even
in my mind the whole time I was always
thinking like okay yeah these are just
my what I’m supposed to do like this is
just the next step that you’re supposed
to take after school because that’s what
everyone does and it’s proper but don’t
lose sight of your amazing little dream
of being you know Selena Gomez without
the singing voice so yeah have that and
then that there was some there was like
a holiday in
that period of time hang on me let me
have what because my mouth dry I knew
that would happen to me out of everyone
I’m the one that gets dry for halfway
through but yeah so there was a holiday
in between like a school holiday and I
remember going up to London because I
had a family member that lived there and
I just I had a couple of auditions in
London and I felt like I don’t know
anyone coming from a smaller safe always
assumes that like London is the place
you need to be like that so everything
happens and if you want to be a star you
go to London which is the case for some
people but some people can do it and in
their hometown so yeah I went to London
and I spent some time there and I met
some people and I thought I’m nearly
finished in my first year of six film
why don’t I apply for colleges in London
and even though everything in my life
was perfect in Bristow I had like great
friends great family everything’s very
exciting because you just left school
when everyone go out and we’ll I just
thought London’s the place where you
where you kind of need to be if you want
to do my job and I still had that con
line you can do it can be found in my
mind so I applied for like five colleges
and came back to Bristol I don’t think I
even told anyone at the time that I’d
applied for that money because I didn’t
want to do the disappointment of not
actually getting in but I applied for
them anyway
came back to Bristol told everyone okay
now I might go there it’s the waiting
process we had a summer holiday no sorry
it was before summer holidays another
gap where I went up to London again and
I’m a boy and he was he became a
boyfriend and then I was completely
infatuated 16 years old your first love
and you’re in this like whole dream
world and I was thinking like wow this
is perfect like if I move to London I’m
gonna get into these colleges I’ll have
my boyfriend there I’ve got friends that
I’ve made and everything’s just gonna be
like an absolute dream and in my mind
and then that summer holiday after so I
finished my first year of six for now
and it’s the holidays before I decide if
I’m going to go to college in London or
stay in Bristol but to be fair I hadn’t
really reapplied in Bristol so London
was my only option
I hadn’t really got that push in my mind
and and it was July and it was halfway
through the holidays and I’m kind of
puff in London
in Bristol and then my boyfriend at the
time was killed and so has a 16 year old
girl that has all of this like dreams
and everything’s perfect in her mind it
was kind of like Oh like that’s not
supposed to happen like what what do I
do now and I’d still remember the exact
feeling because it wasn’t an illness or
anything like that was a complete
accident like nothing to do with him and
just having so many questions at the
time and also feeling like for the first
time that life’s not really fair and
like bad stuff does happen to good
people which in my mind I couldn’t
really fav on that before and it’s like
this the worst reality check in in the
world so how do these ideas of what
London was going to be like and I had
all these plans and then that kind of
just got broken and my happy bubble
completely fell down beneath me and I
remember feeling like like I don’t know
what to do and I pushed away everyone
that was close to me and Bristol like my
mum and my friends and everyone that
really cared for me because I didn’t
feel like I wanted to be around anyone
that didn’t understand the pain that I
was going for at that point but at the
same time I was so young that my
decisions weren’t always gonna be the
best so I didn’t stay in Bristol I
literally went straight to London the
day that it happened and stayed with his
family who were amazing and lovely and
like looked after me and everything but
I don’t know if it was the right thing
to do but at the time I was just like I
can’t I just want to be around people
that reminded me of him and around like
familiarity basically so did that at
home everybody’s worried about me like
my mom and my friends and everyone I
kind of don’t want to see or speak to
and I suppose the reason why I’m telling
this now is because I don’t really have
anyone to speak to around that time that
had gone for anything similar and I
didn’t really know what you were
supposed to do and all the thoughts and
the feelings that I was feeling were
like oh my gosh I’m never gonna be loved
again or oh my gosh I don’t even know if
I can look at a boy again or how how am
I gonna be and kind of feelin like this
is the worst thing in the world that
could ever happen to anyone
literally that was how I felt and even
at some points like I don’t really want
to be here and if I disappeared then you
know it would just be like that and
that’s what happens in life and just
really dark horrible thoughts for a
sixteen-year-old to have but I didn’t
allow anything else coming to come into
my mind at that point
luckily and I believed in God and I
prayed for a lot of it and would kind of
like have my own thoughts and pray every
day and be like okay there’s something
there’s it’s gonna pass like I believe
in like no pain no matter how severe
lasting forever like you could be going
through the worst thing now but in a
week or in a year or in lumps it’s never
gonna be the exact same pain it’s always
gonna like fade down a bit so anyway I
had those thoughts in my mind this
happened in July and I’m supposed to be
starting college in September so the
whole time I’m I’m grieving and I’m
trying to deal with things in my own
mind and I’m in this like horrible space
but I’m knowing that in September I’m
about to go to a school where I know
nobody and I’ve got to be like this
person that I’m used to be in that’s
happy and like look at me and this is
supposed to be my shot at like chasing
my dream and everything despite this
dark place I mean at that time so anyway
it comes to September I’m starting to do
a bit a bit better
but obviously still in a bad place and
I’ve gone to college and I just remember
the first day coming into college
feeling like this weight off my shoulder
we’re just feeling kind of like light
because no one there knew me no one had
known what I’ve just been through it was
a completely inflamed and it was just
like well I can be this person and not
not feel I don’t know kind of guilty for
being happy and not feel like I’m not
allowed to smile because a terrible
thing has just happened so went to
college I’ve moved in with the family
member now that lives in London and I’m
going to college I’m in this that
of happiness while I’m there and they
come in home and still feeling sad but
things are slowly starting to get a
little bit better and a bit easier to
deal with and I’m starting to talk about
things more and just like I think what I
learnt in that period is that if you can
kind of find something that takes you
out of a sadness if you are feeling
lower you are feeling down if you can
find that one thing that makes you
forget about that pain for even a day or
an hour or whatever then do that as much
as you can so that’s what I did I went
to college I was out and then I’d come
home and throughout a period of time I’m
still I’m 17 at this point now in
college and I’ve gone back to stay with
my family member over the break but the
family member that I’m living with is
heavily involved in drugs so I’m living
in this quite unsafe environment where
there’s drugs being taken around me and
I’m kind of coming home from college and
just going straight to my bedroom and
shutting the door and ignoring
whatever’s going on outside of me and
I’ve got like my mom and my other family
members who are saying come home because
you don’t need to be around that and
everything but I knew that if I went
back to Bristol I would just kind of
fall into a trap of something that I
didn’t want to do and being in London
make me feel like I’m actually chasing
my dream now and I’ve just started to
move forward and I’ve just started to
meet people that have the same
aspirations of me as me and want to do
the same things as me so I didn’t go
back as much as they’d be persuaded me
my mom would come down and say come back
and I didn’t and it’s a good thing I
didn’t because not long after that I met
some people that work for this company
called jump-off which was like this huge
event in London which professor green
was actually noticed from it but it’s
like a battle event so they had like rap
battles and dance battles and it was a
live event but they also had a an office
space where they had a YouTube channel
and they would let me use the cameras
there and they taught me how to edit and
they taught me basically how to be a
presenter like they would I come there
after college and state or like 10
o’clock at night and just be like eager
to learn everything like even if I was
making teas or just sitting there
listening to conversations I was just on
them like teach me teach me and that was
where I started feeling like it’s
actually happening even though I wasn’t
getting paid I wasn’t even doing
anything I was
in a space that I imagined myself being
in so I was there I made my first
youtube video there had just literally
with them letting me take their camera
upstairs and like that kind of remember
I did want to play it but it’ll probably
go on for ages it was just me sat in
front of the camera like doing a speedy
makeup tutorials so it was like a joke
version of like the makeup tutorials you
see nowadays but back then no one was
really getting paid for YouTube or
anything so I was just doing it for fun
and then I’m gonna kind of rush the
story I’ll probably write a book one day
but yeah I carried on doing this and
yeah so I got my first job there and I
was working working at Urban Outfitters
as well at the same time because I had
literally no money I used to do this
trick where I’d pretend I’d lost my
oyster because I didn’t have money for
oysters to get on the trains so I’d go
through and luckily I’ve just lost my um
my oyster card can you let me throw any
to get to college and they do it and I
did that one literally like every train
station around my area until they
realized like this girl’s having a laugh
so did that work in an urban outfitters
going to jump up every day and during
college for like literally about eight
months nine months until I decided to
leave college because jump off was
starting to pay me and I felt like this
is I don’t even know if it was the wrong
it was the right thing to do but at that
time in my mind I was like I’m I’m
basically getting trained in the job
that I want to do instead of being in
college learning how to be in a job I’m
doing it firsthand
so left college stayed at jump-off and
not long after that and got a screen
test which is like a presenters version
of an audition for copper 90 so do a
series with them and they’re now the
biggest football channel in Europe but
they needed a co-presenter and I went
down and I had no experience other than
what jumpluff had trained me and I got
the job and he did a series with them
good football virgin you can find it
online as hilarious but yeah did that
and from that led on to them taking me
to Brazil for two months and I filmed a
show with high end I around the World
Cup so it was basically like we did a
tour of the 12 cities in Brazil and then
I did like a whole show during the World
Cup and everything like that so then
that job came and it was
like a spiral effect after that of every
job every job but I’m still living at my
at my family members house which was a
horrible environment to be in my food
was getting stolen out the fridge my
phone was getting stolen and like I just
it just wasn’t safe I couldn’t afford to
move out because I hadn’t yeah I hadn’t
got enough money about that point so
I’ve come back from Brazil a camera’s
gone missing from my room I think this
was like the point where I was like okay
I need to leave and I had a friend
called penny who literally like scooped
me under her wing and she let me pay her
cheap rent to stay with her and the
reason why I mention her is because I
feel like it’s so important when you are
going through stuff to have a friend or
just somebody around you that completely
lifts you up and fills you with
positivity and I was still like just
turned 18 at this point so she was like
this angel that came into my life and
whenever I had doubts she was the one
that lifted me up and whenever I felt
lower she would fill me with all this
positive energy and basically saved my
state of mind around that time when
everything had gone well but I’m running
out of time so I’m just gonna skip
forward completely to now I’m obviously
22 years old I’ve worked for MTV and all
these places I live on my own now I have
a flair and I yeah I feel so lucky that
I didn’t go back home and I didn’t
crumble under pressure and I didn’t let
the situations that I feel like
understandably a lot of other people in
would want to not do anything and want
to just stay inside and want to just
quit everything they’re doing because
it’s disheartening and it’s it’s a
strange state of mind to be and but my
message for me sharing this story is
just that as hard as things get as I
said at the beginning
don’t let that control you always keep
in mind the vision that you had at the
beginning regardless of the
circumstances regardless of the
situation’s there’s a quote that I
always say that’s like everything will
be okay in the end and if it’s not okay
it’s not the end and I really believe
that’s true because hello like I am here
and I only want to like spread the
message of positivity through everyone
and that was one thing that I kept in my
mind throughout I’d never lost faith I
never lost hope that you can achieve
your goals even though things are bad
and even though things aren’t going your
way
and yeah stay true to your heart thank
you
[Applause]
you
suppose I was kind of feeling like I
don’t know like
sure about what I talked about and I’m
not like an expert on anything and then
I thought again and I kind of get asked
the same questions every day whether it
be through an interview or through young
girls and boys messaging me on snapchat
or online on Twitter and Instagram and
the questions are usually how did you
get into your job so young what
difficulties do you face in your job and
how do you say so happy all the time
when you’re so busy and so I kind of
reply to these questions and I’ve
answered interviews and given these
answers but I’ve never really told like
the whole story behind things and I’ve
never really given a full answer whoever
actually explained like the whole truth
I suppose so we’ve just been a little
tastes maybe because I’ve been a bit
scared or there’s never been the right
time or just not the right platform and
so I’ve been asked to do this today I
was like okay well there’s the platform
and time and wise I feel like now more
than ever it’s so important for people
with a platform and people with a follow
in to show transparency and to show
truth and honesty behind the highlight
reel of Instagram and Twitter and behind
all the flashing lights and cameras and
everyone’s filtered edited images and
stuff for someone that has got people
that look up to them to be honest about
their experiences in hope that maybe
someone in this audience or someone
that’s watching at home online hello
might relate to something I say or might
be going through something that I’ve
been through before and it could help
them come out the other way or just give
them some kind of hope so I’m gonna talk
about myself and my life starting all
the way back from where I was born in
Bristol
I grew up which is like a small safe
outside of London and Bristol is an
amazing place I don’t know if anyone’s
been there before but growing up there
like people are really happy I always
felt safe like it was just it was
beautiful it was absolutely lovely
my mum’s Swedish and Scottish actually
and my dad’s from Somalia but they’re
both British so I grew up with them in a
nice little house from very little house
in st. Paul’s in Bristol and when I was
about three my dad went to jail which at
the time I suppose I was three years old
so I didn’t really know what was going
on
around that stage of him first going to
gel it all felt kind of normal so I grew
up with my younger brother who’s 19 our
two years below me and my most I so my
strongest memories of around that time
of the initial experience of going to
visit him in jail and we’d get into the
car and we’d have like I do they and you
get little sweets and it always felt
like a little road trip it was never
like this is a very big place but
thinking back on it now like you’d go as
a tiny little child you’d fall asleep in
the car and end up outside this huge
gray building and get searched by dogs
and then have to sit across the table
and have the conversation with a man
that you were slowly not really
recognizing or not really showing much
interest to because he was always there
and I was always at home and I was
having this life with my mum and my
aunties and my Nana and granddad on his
side and my family were always so
supportive and did everything that I
suppose the dad would do that I didn’t
ever feel like I was missing out on
anything so when I go to nursery or when
I go to primary school and everybody
would be talking I never felt like I was
missing out on anything and my life
seemed perfect apart from these weird
little trips that we’d have to keep on
doing to prisons in Wales and I don’t
know across the other side of the sea so
that went on I kind of continued to
visit him and have this distant
relationship with my dad and it wasn’t
like one long sentence that he got it
was always like maybe like a year or two
and then come out and go back in and
then by the age of 10 I think around ten
it kind of got a bit exhausting and I
remember thinking I’m starting to go to
my friend’s house is now and I’m saying
their family’s out and they’ve got these
amazing relationships with their dads
and their dad’s always there and takes
them out two trips and I was like well I
don’t do that and yeah I have amazing
aunties and Nana granddad that do stuff
but that’s not really fair like you
should probably be making a bit more
effort to stop doing bad things and I
was at the age where I realized like
it’s a choice it’s not something that
you’re forced to do you don’t have to be
in jail basically so I decided stop
visiting here
at 10:00 around 10:00 11:00 and I
remember one day he’d come home not home
but he’d come to my Nana granddad’s
house where I was at the time and he
asked to speak to me and I was just like
no I don’t want to speak to you anymore
and I’d also kind of realized like that
he wasn’t so good to my mom and just all
of these things kind of started to make
sense to me at that age and I just
completely cut off contact with him
my little brother decided to still see
him but I was just kind of over it so
went past primary school into secondary
school now and this is where I kind of
start talking about my career and I’ve
always been like a loud like show or fie
performing artsy person where I go
downstairs and perform the no doubt
album with dance routines and acting
segments to Menomonie stepdad like come
on watch me and like make all the family
relatives sit down and watch my serious
performance of like I don’t know Bob the
Builder
so I did all of that stuff started
secondary school and was like yeah like
loved it made amazing friends had an
amazing childhood basically an early
teens everything was perfect enjoyed it
and I remember having conversations with
like family members and stuff in like
year seven and eight and they’d be like
what you want to be when you’re older
what you want to do and I’d always be
like I’m not really sure how I’m gonna
get there but like I’m definitely gonna
be on TV or I’m gonna be someone that’s
in the adverts or on the screen and like
part of me really really believes that I
would and I’m not sure where it came
from but it was kind of like an inner
thing of like what I’m gonna do that
because there’s nothing else I want to
do I’ve never even allowed any other
career option to enter my mind it’s just
been like yep he’s gonna be this person
and that’s gonna happen and thinking
back on it now it’s like I’m not really
sure if that’s like a naivety or just
like in my own little glorious bubble of
like dream but it was real enough to me
at the time and yeah obviously worked
out in the end but yes I always had this
idea went through school and got to year
10 does anyone remember skins the show
yeah that skins so that was shot in
Bristol and they would go around the
school was to cast for four skins so I
was 15 and they came to our school when
I was like right this is my chance I’m
gonna go in there and well
everyone like this really excited little
girl and they came in and I did that I
don’t even really remember my
performance but I know I was so excited
and literally like in the hallway to my
friends like yeah so did that ended up
getting to the last round of like I
don’t even know how many hundreds of
kids they’d seen to be one of the main
characters and then got to the last
audition did it left thinking yeah this
is it like I’ve got it and actually sat
in my kitchen once I remember like
having this conversation my mom and
being like what am I gonna do I’m gonna
be famous like how am I gonna sell my
friends like it’s so convinced that this
was going to be it that like no one
could tell me any difference and I kind
of missed that confidence so I had been
because I suppose as you get older
reality and everything else and it
doesn’t seem so real but yeah super
super confidence and then I didn’t get
it and I was like oh right well now and
half of it made me feel like I don’t
want to do anymore like I don’t want to
act I don’t want to put myself out there
and get so convinced and telling my
friends I’m gonna be like the next I
don’t know Jennifer Lawrence but and
then not have it but the other half of
me was like well no out of all of these
hundreds of kids
I’m obviously good enough to get to that
stage so why not carry on and keep
pushing forward and going for more
auditions so that’s someone and went in
joins an acting class and applied for
these auditions and went out and just
did as much as I could because I still
had this like huge hunger inside of me
and then got to year 11 and continued
were there and was like yep this is what
I want to do we were choosing our levels
and everything after that so I went on
to sixth form in cotton cotton school in
Bristol and I chose what I did sociology
performing arts BT media and English Lit
and so I member starting those but even
in my mind the whole time I was always
thinking like okay yeah these are just
my what I’m supposed to do like this is
just the next step that you’re supposed
to take after school because that’s what
everyone does and it’s proper but don’t
lose sight of your amazing little dream
of being you know Selena Gomez without
the singing voice so yeah have that and
then that there was some there was like
a holiday in
that period of time hang on me let me
have what because my mouth dry I knew
that would happen to me out of everyone
I’m the one that gets dry for halfway
through but yeah so there was a holiday
in between like a school holiday and I
remember going up to London because I
had a family member that lived there and
I just I had a couple of auditions in
London and I felt like I don’t know
anyone coming from a smaller safe always
assumes that like London is the place
you need to be like that so everything
happens and if you want to be a star you
go to London which is the case for some
people but some people can do it and in
their hometown so yeah I went to London
and I spent some time there and I met
some people and I thought I’m nearly
finished in my first year of six film
why don’t I apply for colleges in London
and even though everything in my life
was perfect in Bristow I had like great
friends great family everything’s very
exciting because you just left school
when everyone go out and we’ll I just
thought London’s the place where you
where you kind of need to be if you want
to do my job and I still had that con
line you can do it can be found in my
mind so I applied for like five colleges
and came back to Bristol I don’t think I
even told anyone at the time that I’d
applied for that money because I didn’t
want to do the disappointment of not
actually getting in but I applied for
them anyway
came back to Bristol told everyone okay
now I might go there it’s the waiting
process we had a summer holiday no sorry
it was before summer holidays another
gap where I went up to London again and
I’m a boy and he was he became a
boyfriend and then I was completely
infatuated 16 years old your first love
and you’re in this like whole dream
world and I was thinking like wow this
is perfect like if I move to London I’m
gonna get into these colleges I’ll have
my boyfriend there I’ve got friends that
I’ve made and everything’s just gonna be
like an absolute dream and in my mind
and then that summer holiday after so I
finished my first year of six for now
and it’s the holidays before I decide if
I’m going to go to college in London or
stay in Bristol but to be fair I hadn’t
really reapplied in Bristol so London
was my only option
I hadn’t really got that push in my mind
and and it was July and it was halfway
through the holidays and I’m kind of
puff in London
in Bristol and then my boyfriend at the
time was killed and so has a 16 year old
girl that has all of this like dreams
and everything’s perfect in her mind it
was kind of like Oh like that’s not
supposed to happen like what what do I
do now and I’d still remember the exact
feeling because it wasn’t an illness or
anything like that was a complete
accident like nothing to do with him and
just having so many questions at the
time and also feeling like for the first
time that life’s not really fair and
like bad stuff does happen to good
people which in my mind I couldn’t
really fav on that before and it’s like
this the worst reality check in in the
world so how do these ideas of what
London was going to be like and I had
all these plans and then that kind of
just got broken and my happy bubble
completely fell down beneath me and I
remember feeling like like I don’t know
what to do and I pushed away everyone
that was close to me and Bristol like my
mum and my friends and everyone that
really cared for me because I didn’t
feel like I wanted to be around anyone
that didn’t understand the pain that I
was going for at that point but at the
same time I was so young that my
decisions weren’t always gonna be the
best so I didn’t stay in Bristol I
literally went straight to London the
day that it happened and stayed with his
family who were amazing and lovely and
like looked after me and everything but
I don’t know if it was the right thing
to do but at the time I was just like I
can’t I just want to be around people
that reminded me of him and around like
familiarity basically so did that at
home everybody’s worried about me like
my mom and my friends and everyone I
kind of don’t want to see or speak to
and I suppose the reason why I’m telling
this now is because I don’t really have
anyone to speak to around that time that
had gone for anything similar and I
didn’t really know what you were
supposed to do and all the thoughts and
the feelings that I was feeling were
like oh my gosh I’m never gonna be loved
again or oh my gosh I don’t even know if
I can look at a boy again or how how am
I gonna be and kind of feelin like this
is the worst thing in the world that
could ever happen to anyone
literally that was how I felt and even
at some points like I don’t really want
to be here and if I disappeared then you
know it would just be like that and
that’s what happens in life and just
really dark horrible thoughts for a
sixteen-year-old to have but I didn’t
allow anything else coming to come into
my mind at that point
luckily and I believed in God and I
prayed for a lot of it and would kind of
like have my own thoughts and pray every
day and be like okay there’s something
there’s it’s gonna pass like I believe
in like no pain no matter how severe
lasting forever like you could be going
through the worst thing now but in a
week or in a year or in lumps it’s never
gonna be the exact same pain it’s always
gonna like fade down a bit so anyway I
had those thoughts in my mind this
happened in July and I’m supposed to be
starting college in September so the
whole time I’m I’m grieving and I’m
trying to deal with things in my own
mind and I’m in this like horrible space
but I’m knowing that in September I’m
about to go to a school where I know
nobody and I’ve got to be like this
person that I’m used to be in that’s
happy and like look at me and this is
supposed to be my shot at like chasing
my dream and everything despite this
dark place I mean at that time so anyway
it comes to September I’m starting to do
a bit a bit better
but obviously still in a bad place and
I’ve gone to college and I just remember
the first day coming into college
feeling like this weight off my shoulder
we’re just feeling kind of like light
because no one there knew me no one had
known what I’ve just been through it was
a completely inflamed and it was just
like well I can be this person and not
not feel I don’t know kind of guilty for
being happy and not feel like I’m not
allowed to smile because a terrible
thing has just happened so went to
college I’ve moved in with the family
member now that lives in London and I’m
going to college I’m in this that
of happiness while I’m there and they
come in home and still feeling sad but
things are slowly starting to get a
little bit better and a bit easier to
deal with and I’m starting to talk about
things more and just like I think what I
learnt in that period is that if you can
kind of find something that takes you
out of a sadness if you are feeling
lower you are feeling down if you can
find that one thing that makes you
forget about that pain for even a day or
an hour or whatever then do that as much
as you can so that’s what I did I went
to college I was out and then I’d come
home and throughout a period of time I’m
still I’m 17 at this point now in
college and I’ve gone back to stay with
my family member over the break but the
family member that I’m living with is
heavily involved in drugs so I’m living
in this quite unsafe environment where
there’s drugs being taken around me and
I’m kind of coming home from college and
just going straight to my bedroom and
shutting the door and ignoring
whatever’s going on outside of me and
I’ve got like my mom and my other family
members who are saying come home because
you don’t need to be around that and
everything but I knew that if I went
back to Bristol I would just kind of
fall into a trap of something that I
didn’t want to do and being in London
make me feel like I’m actually chasing
my dream now and I’ve just started to
move forward and I’ve just started to
meet people that have the same
aspirations of me as me and want to do
the same things as me so I didn’t go
back as much as they’d be persuaded me
my mom would come down and say come back
and I didn’t and it’s a good thing I
didn’t because not long after that I met
some people that work for this company
called jump-off which was like this huge
event in London which professor green
was actually noticed from it but it’s
like a battle event so they had like rap
battles and dance battles and it was a
live event but they also had a an office
space where they had a YouTube channel
and they would let me use the cameras
there and they taught me how to edit and
they taught me basically how to be a
presenter like they would I come there
after college and state or like 10
o’clock at night and just be like eager
to learn everything like even if I was
making teas or just sitting there
listening to conversations I was just on
them like teach me teach me and that was
where I started feeling like it’s
actually happening even though I wasn’t
getting paid I wasn’t even doing
anything I was
in a space that I imagined myself being
in so I was there I made my first
youtube video there had just literally
with them letting me take their camera
upstairs and like that kind of remember
I did want to play it but it’ll probably
go on for ages it was just me sat in
front of the camera like doing a speedy
makeup tutorials so it was like a joke
version of like the makeup tutorials you
see nowadays but back then no one was
really getting paid for YouTube or
anything so I was just doing it for fun
and then I’m gonna kind of rush the
story I’ll probably write a book one day
but yeah I carried on doing this and
yeah so I got my first job there and I
was working working at Urban Outfitters
as well at the same time because I had
literally no money I used to do this
trick where I’d pretend I’d lost my
oyster because I didn’t have money for
oysters to get on the trains so I’d go
through and luckily I’ve just lost my um
my oyster card can you let me throw any
to get to college and they do it and I
did that one literally like every train
station around my area until they
realized like this girl’s having a laugh
so did that work in an urban outfitters
going to jump up every day and during
college for like literally about eight
months nine months until I decided to
leave college because jump off was
starting to pay me and I felt like this
is I don’t even know if it was the wrong
it was the right thing to do but at that
time in my mind I was like I’m I’m
basically getting trained in the job
that I want to do instead of being in
college learning how to be in a job I’m
doing it firsthand
so left college stayed at jump-off and
not long after that and got a screen
test which is like a presenters version
of an audition for copper 90 so do a
series with them and they’re now the
biggest football channel in Europe but
they needed a co-presenter and I went
down and I had no experience other than
what jumpluff had trained me and I got
the job and he did a series with them
good football virgin you can find it
online as hilarious but yeah did that
and from that led on to them taking me
to Brazil for two months and I filmed a
show with high end I around the World
Cup so it was basically like we did a
tour of the 12 cities in Brazil and then
I did like a whole show during the World
Cup and everything like that so then
that job came and it was
like a spiral effect after that of every
job every job but I’m still living at my
at my family members house which was a
horrible environment to be in my food
was getting stolen out the fridge my
phone was getting stolen and like I just
it just wasn’t safe I couldn’t afford to
move out because I hadn’t yeah I hadn’t
got enough money about that point so
I’ve come back from Brazil a camera’s
gone missing from my room I think this
was like the point where I was like okay
I need to leave and I had a friend
called penny who literally like scooped
me under her wing and she let me pay her
cheap rent to stay with her and the
reason why I mention her is because I
feel like it’s so important when you are
going through stuff to have a friend or
just somebody around you that completely
lifts you up and fills you with
positivity and I was still like just
turned 18 at this point so she was like
this angel that came into my life and
whenever I had doubts she was the one
that lifted me up and whenever I felt
lower she would fill me with all this
positive energy and basically saved my
state of mind around that time when
everything had gone well but I’m running
out of time so I’m just gonna skip
forward completely to now I’m obviously
22 years old I’ve worked for MTV and all
these places I live on my own now I have
a flair and I yeah I feel so lucky that
I didn’t go back home and I didn’t
crumble under pressure and I didn’t let
the situations that I feel like
understandably a lot of other people in
would want to not do anything and want
to just stay inside and want to just
quit everything they’re doing because
it’s disheartening and it’s it’s a
strange state of mind to be and but my
message for me sharing this story is
just that as hard as things get as I
said at the beginning
don’t let that control you always keep
in mind the vision that you had at the
beginning regardless of the
circumstances regardless of the
situation’s there’s a quote that I
always say that’s like everything will
be okay in the end and if it’s not okay
it’s not the end and I really believe
that’s true because hello like I am here
and I only want to like spread the
message of positivity through everyone
and that was one thing that I kept in my
mind throughout I’d never lost faith I
never lost hope that you can achieve
your goals even though things are bad
and even though things aren’t going your
way
and yeah stay true to your heart thank
you
[Applause]
you
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