long ago in a place not far from where
we are today there was a young girl who
is infinitely curious and who loved
learning about everything this world had
to offer as she grew older and travelled
far and wide her curiosity grew stronger
but for some reason it was getting
harder and harder for her to remember
things and the people around her made
her feel dumber and dumber because of it
until finally she believed them if it
wasn’t for the love from her family the
love from her friends the love from her
community she would not be on stage
before you today hi my name is Todd
mikaze
and I’m here to share with you all my
almost tragic love story between me and
my learning disability as far back as I
could remember
I’ve loved math and science I was the
kind of kid who did science fairs for
fun which is why I could not believe
that the first time I had ever failed a
class was ninth grade beginner biology
and it was a pretty standard class to
read the textbook take a chapter test I
always thought I did well on the exams
that is until I got the test back
somehow they always looked different
from what I remembered I mean that was
my handwriting and those were my answers
but I could have sworn the questions had
asked something totally different
still even though I had a d-minus in the
class I felt confident in the material
and I loved learning it I loved it so
much that I had the audacity to tell my
biology teacher the one who just failed
me that I wanted to take Advanced
Placement biology the following year
he laughed at me as if I was telling him
a joke
I had to plead with him daily even got
my counselor and principle involved the
reason this class was so important to me
was because my high school only offered
it every other year and I did not want
to wait two years to take a class I was
genuinely excited about he finally
agreed on the one condition that I
retake his beginner biology class the
following year I am so glad I stuck up
for myself I got an a-minus both
semesters I was confused though how did
I go from failing beginner biology to
then excelling in advanced biology when
my study habits didn’t change but I
didn’t want to question it I was happy
with my a and I started to keep moving
forward
tell you what though I think that
contrast in grades played a huge reason
why I got into such an amazing
University and that amazing university
was right here at UC Berkeley go bears I
[Applause]
was pumped I was so excited for college
I had the feeling I was going to ace
every class just like I did advanced
biology and that’s exactly what happened
well only in my dreams in reality I
failed or barely passed my courses I
thought I knew the material I even lied
study groups and tutored others but my
grades were just terrible at the start
of every semester I would tell myself
things are gonna be different this time
I will go to every lecture I will go to
every office hour I will pre read
everything I will and the list of all
the things I would do to be successful
kept growing but the outcome never
changed
I would keep every promise to myself but
no matter what I try
nothing ever changed my sister saw how
much I was struggling and was the first
person to suggest that maybe you have a
learning disability and that you should
go to the campus disabled students
program to learn more so I did I learned
that learning disabilities are a lot
more common than I thought but in order
to take a test to find out if I have one
it would cost $1,200 that’s like 600
tacos I remember leaving that building
thinking I don’t have the means for this
I immediately dismissed the idea and
went back to making promises to myself
to do more little did I know that those
promises were impossible for me to keep
it was about seven semesters of my
persistence lasted but that’s when the
depression kicked in I ran out of ideas
I ran out of energy I ran out of
promises to make myself and finally I I
ran out of hope and this went beyond
academic failure I felt like I was
failing at being a friend I constantly
forgot conversations memories plans and
worst of all I forgot deep personal
stories my best friends would confide in
me the inability to explain the lapses
of my memory soon led to a series of
panic attacks every time I thought I
forgot something
even something like forgetting my keys
it would trigger a panic attack
I started secluding myself so that there
are less things for me to remember I
stopped going to lecture I stopped going
to social events I even stopped hanging
out and I own the living room before I
knew it I had secluded myself from
everything and had completely given up
it got so bad that I started thinking
would being dead feel better than the
alive right now I tried to drown all of
those thoughts with TV shows and
sleeping pills
it wasn’t until my roommate confronted
me one night and directly asked me are
you feeling suicidal the moment she said
the word suicidal I broke down in tears
I didn’t want it to be true but that’s
how I felt I remember crying the rest of
the night and finally coming to terms
with the fact that I wasn’t experiencing
simply sadness and that if I wanted to
get through this I would need to get
help
my roommate suggested that I go talk to
a therapist and it was my therapist who
helped me become functional even though
I was still depressed I was now entering
my fourth year at Berkeley and did not
feel ready for life after college I
started looking at internships with the
idea that maybe a letter recommendation
could mean more than my 2.3 GPA that’s
how I came across this program called
new experiences in research for the
diversity in the sciences which stands
for nerds and it was this nerds program
that ultimately changed the course of my
life offhand I mentioned to my advisor
the problems I was having with my memory
and immediately she said nerds would
cover the $1,200 cost I was so excited
let’s fast forward to the day of my exam
which is known as a psycho-educational
assessment it was an eight-hour test
done one-on-one with a psychiatrist
I was quizzed on a whole bunch of things
from mathematical mad minutes to
memorizing a string of words text
numbers icons I had to wait three days
before I got my results and in those
thirty days I went from feeling hopeful
that I’ll finally get
to understand myself to then feeling
angry that I don’t have a learning
disability I’m just stupid why am I
wasting everyone’s time to then feeling
regret I’ve had a learning disability
this entire time and I’ve done nothing
about it I kept going back and forth
between anger and regret needless to say
that was the longest 30 days of my life
but then the day came when I got my
results and as I was reading that 15
page assessment all I felt was relief
the assessment stated that I had a
reading disorder and their reading
disorder was caused by two major
deficits my memory the first deficit was
with my short-term memory so if we take
this paragraph which I realize now I
don’t have my clicker talk about
forgetting things right so let’s take
this paragraph but first time I read it
I immediately forgot half of it and on
top of that my mind does this weird
thing of compensating by adding in new
words to just create context the second
is with my auditory memory you know that
saying in one ear out the other
yeah that’s me to a whole other level I
literally can’t remember the things that
I hear but that wasn’t my whole story I
also had two memory strengths and my
strengths were in my visual memory and
my long-term memory so if instead that
paragraph was a visualization I could
remember it easy and probably for years
to come what was greatness like this all
just made sense to me it explained why I
did so poorly in beginner biology where
everything was reliant on the textbook
but then did so well in advanced biology
where I had a lot of visuals and
interactive labs I
all of this information from my
assessment and started to retrain my
brain I stopped writing in college
rolled paper and started writing in
sketchbooks I also started writing
everything down even in conversations
with my best friends
I also accepted the fact that I’m gonna
forget things like this clicker and that
it’s okay I no longer felt embarrassed
whatever I’d forget something because
now I know why it happened after I
graduated different Berkeley I started
at Loma Linda University to study
biostatistics it was a fresh start
I still worked just as hard as I used to
and study just as hard but this time I
graduated with my masters with a 4.0 GPA
more importantly that was the first time
I felt complete I no longer felt dumb it
was in discovering my learning
disability that I could truly experience
self-love one in 10 Americans have a
reading disorder and even more have
other types of learning disabilities if
any of my story resonates with you or if
your it runs you of a loved one I
encourage you to seek support and if
you’re not sure where to get started
I’ve added some resources here at this
link now that you know my story I hope
we can all come together as a community
to turn more almost tragedies into
stories full of hope and love thank you
[Applause]
we are today there was a young girl who
is infinitely curious and who loved
learning about everything this world had
to offer as she grew older and travelled
far and wide her curiosity grew stronger
but for some reason it was getting
harder and harder for her to remember
things and the people around her made
her feel dumber and dumber because of it
until finally she believed them if it
wasn’t for the love from her family the
love from her friends the love from her
community she would not be on stage
before you today hi my name is Todd
mikaze
and I’m here to share with you all my
almost tragic love story between me and
my learning disability as far back as I
could remember
I’ve loved math and science I was the
kind of kid who did science fairs for
fun which is why I could not believe
that the first time I had ever failed a
class was ninth grade beginner biology
and it was a pretty standard class to
read the textbook take a chapter test I
always thought I did well on the exams
that is until I got the test back
somehow they always looked different
from what I remembered I mean that was
my handwriting and those were my answers
but I could have sworn the questions had
asked something totally different
still even though I had a d-minus in the
class I felt confident in the material
and I loved learning it I loved it so
much that I had the audacity to tell my
biology teacher the one who just failed
me that I wanted to take Advanced
Placement biology the following year
he laughed at me as if I was telling him
a joke
I had to plead with him daily even got
my counselor and principle involved the
reason this class was so important to me
was because my high school only offered
it every other year and I did not want
to wait two years to take a class I was
genuinely excited about he finally
agreed on the one condition that I
retake his beginner biology class the
following year I am so glad I stuck up
for myself I got an a-minus both
semesters I was confused though how did
I go from failing beginner biology to
then excelling in advanced biology when
my study habits didn’t change but I
didn’t want to question it I was happy
with my a and I started to keep moving
forward
tell you what though I think that
contrast in grades played a huge reason
why I got into such an amazing
University and that amazing university
was right here at UC Berkeley go bears I
[Applause]
was pumped I was so excited for college
I had the feeling I was going to ace
every class just like I did advanced
biology and that’s exactly what happened
well only in my dreams in reality I
failed or barely passed my courses I
thought I knew the material I even lied
study groups and tutored others but my
grades were just terrible at the start
of every semester I would tell myself
things are gonna be different this time
I will go to every lecture I will go to
every office hour I will pre read
everything I will and the list of all
the things I would do to be successful
kept growing but the outcome never
changed
I would keep every promise to myself but
no matter what I try
nothing ever changed my sister saw how
much I was struggling and was the first
person to suggest that maybe you have a
learning disability and that you should
go to the campus disabled students
program to learn more so I did I learned
that learning disabilities are a lot
more common than I thought but in order
to take a test to find out if I have one
it would cost $1,200 that’s like 600
tacos I remember leaving that building
thinking I don’t have the means for this
I immediately dismissed the idea and
went back to making promises to myself
to do more little did I know that those
promises were impossible for me to keep
it was about seven semesters of my
persistence lasted but that’s when the
depression kicked in I ran out of ideas
I ran out of energy I ran out of
promises to make myself and finally I I
ran out of hope and this went beyond
academic failure I felt like I was
failing at being a friend I constantly
forgot conversations memories plans and
worst of all I forgot deep personal
stories my best friends would confide in
me the inability to explain the lapses
of my memory soon led to a series of
panic attacks every time I thought I
forgot something
even something like forgetting my keys
it would trigger a panic attack
I started secluding myself so that there
are less things for me to remember I
stopped going to lecture I stopped going
to social events I even stopped hanging
out and I own the living room before I
knew it I had secluded myself from
everything and had completely given up
it got so bad that I started thinking
would being dead feel better than the
alive right now I tried to drown all of
those thoughts with TV shows and
sleeping pills
it wasn’t until my roommate confronted
me one night and directly asked me are
you feeling suicidal the moment she said
the word suicidal I broke down in tears
I didn’t want it to be true but that’s
how I felt I remember crying the rest of
the night and finally coming to terms
with the fact that I wasn’t experiencing
simply sadness and that if I wanted to
get through this I would need to get
help
my roommate suggested that I go talk to
a therapist and it was my therapist who
helped me become functional even though
I was still depressed I was now entering
my fourth year at Berkeley and did not
feel ready for life after college I
started looking at internships with the
idea that maybe a letter recommendation
could mean more than my 2.3 GPA that’s
how I came across this program called
new experiences in research for the
diversity in the sciences which stands
for nerds and it was this nerds program
that ultimately changed the course of my
life offhand I mentioned to my advisor
the problems I was having with my memory
and immediately she said nerds would
cover the $1,200 cost I was so excited
let’s fast forward to the day of my exam
which is known as a psycho-educational
assessment it was an eight-hour test
done one-on-one with a psychiatrist
I was quizzed on a whole bunch of things
from mathematical mad minutes to
memorizing a string of words text
numbers icons I had to wait three days
before I got my results and in those
thirty days I went from feeling hopeful
that I’ll finally get
to understand myself to then feeling
angry that I don’t have a learning
disability I’m just stupid why am I
wasting everyone’s time to then feeling
regret I’ve had a learning disability
this entire time and I’ve done nothing
about it I kept going back and forth
between anger and regret needless to say
that was the longest 30 days of my life
but then the day came when I got my
results and as I was reading that 15
page assessment all I felt was relief
the assessment stated that I had a
reading disorder and their reading
disorder was caused by two major
deficits my memory the first deficit was
with my short-term memory so if we take
this paragraph which I realize now I
don’t have my clicker talk about
forgetting things right so let’s take
this paragraph but first time I read it
I immediately forgot half of it and on
top of that my mind does this weird
thing of compensating by adding in new
words to just create context the second
is with my auditory memory you know that
saying in one ear out the other
yeah that’s me to a whole other level I
literally can’t remember the things that
I hear but that wasn’t my whole story I
also had two memory strengths and my
strengths were in my visual memory and
my long-term memory so if instead that
paragraph was a visualization I could
remember it easy and probably for years
to come what was greatness like this all
just made sense to me it explained why I
did so poorly in beginner biology where
everything was reliant on the textbook
but then did so well in advanced biology
where I had a lot of visuals and
interactive labs I
all of this information from my
assessment and started to retrain my
brain I stopped writing in college
rolled paper and started writing in
sketchbooks I also started writing
everything down even in conversations
with my best friends
I also accepted the fact that I’m gonna
forget things like this clicker and that
it’s okay I no longer felt embarrassed
whatever I’d forget something because
now I know why it happened after I
graduated different Berkeley I started
at Loma Linda University to study
biostatistics it was a fresh start
I still worked just as hard as I used to
and study just as hard but this time I
graduated with my masters with a 4.0 GPA
more importantly that was the first time
I felt complete I no longer felt dumb it
was in discovering my learning
disability that I could truly experience
self-love one in 10 Americans have a
reading disorder and even more have
other types of learning disabilities if
any of my story resonates with you or if
your it runs you of a loved one I
encourage you to seek support and if
you’re not sure where to get started
I’ve added some resources here at this
link now that you know my story I hope
we can all come together as a community
to turn more almost tragedies into
stories full of hope and love thank you
[Applause]
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