our youth can’t raise themselves and our
youth can’t raise each other but why why
can’t humans just like animals seemingly
do just grow up and get on with their
lives
I mean mosquitoes don’t need to go to
school and my dog when she had puppies I
watched very closely she was a fantastic
mother and yet I knew she had never
witnessed a birth before she was born
knowing how to be a great month but even
dogs are more fun to be around when
they’re trained don’t jump and be snappy
around food sit on the mat when you come
inside don’t hassle the cat but dogs
don’t behave like this naturally dogs
need to learn to be fun around people
people too are more fun to be around
when they behave in a considerate and
civilized manner and many of the
behaviors which make people fun to be
around
also need to be learned the good news is
is that we’re getting more civilized
over time things are improving now one
way of measuring civilization is to look
at the homicide rate the premise be we
don’t murder each other so much we’re
more civilized now in the most peaceful
countries of today of which New
Zealanders won the homicide rate runs at
about one there are a hundred thousand
people per year the global average is
about eight point eight in a more
violent societies it can be fifty or
higher but even these rates are low
compared to historical if we look at the
last century and as well as all the
homicides we include all of the deaths
from the first and second world war all
the deaths from the minor infractions
all of the deaths from the pandemics the
genocides and all the masturbation’s
it’s still the most peaceful century
that humanity has yet had and this the
century’s tracking even more peacefully
so why is this well one way to get some
insight is to flip the calendar back to
the late Middle Ages now from our
perspective today the average inhabitant
of the Middle Ages would appear to be
rude smelly just gross men regularly
killed themselves and jewels to the
death often over quite trivial things
perceived slights and disputes one of my
favorites was a duel to the death over
poetry and when some poor lad lay dying
on the ground was customary someone runs
over the pen and a quill to capture his
pithy thoughts a summary of his life in
one sentence that could be passed down
the generations to us today and what he
said was actually I haven’t read the
poem it’s funny right because we might
do that too manners were also his short
supply this is perhaps best represented
by a very popular publication called on
civility and boys which had a guide for
when visiting other people abyss
visiting their homes
it included don’t foul the staircase the
corridor the closet all the wall
hangings with urine or other filth don’t
relieve yourself in front of ladies
don’t blow your nose on the tablecloth
all good advice but not the things would
expect to have to tell a 13 year old boy
today but it wasn’t just boys behaving
badly people across society lack manners
and general social skills so there are
lots of disputes lots of arguments these
are times led to violence and sometimes
this led to homicides we don’t though
need to go back so far to see how much
and how fast our society is changing
just consider since the 1970s about how
a collective attitudes have changed to
homosexuality smoking drink driving men
beating their wives and children men
taking advantage of women in the
workplace or violence on the sports
field or on the sidelines this rate of
change is ongoing and generally for the
better
consequently modern life requires
sophisticated social skills to
participate it’s no longer okay just to
do what you feel like when you feel like
doing it with all the fast-food outlets
and the junk food that’s in our
supermarkets even eating requires quite
a lot of knowledge and behavior
regulation
imagine if your only diet advice was
just eat what you want as much as you
want whenever you want it wouldn’t be
the best outcome similarly if our life
advice was just do and say whatever you
like
whenever you feel like it without
regarding the consequences to others it
probably wouldn’t be very helpful either
so what does this mean for our youth
does it mean they must learn an
ever-expanding code of conduct to deal
with the increasing demands of a modern
society I don’t believe this is possible
little impractical so let’s go back to
our first point our youth can’t raise
themselves and our youth youth can’t
raise each other
if we do have a cohort of youth who were
left to raise themselves in each other
it’s most unlikely that that arrive at a
set of social skills and behaviors that
would match those that have been
developed over hundreds of years and
millions of people and led to our more
peaceful society today equally it’s
unlikely that if we take a competent
youth who’s surrounded and supported by
caring adults that he won’t become a
valued member of his own Society
so I’ve spent some time thinking what is
it what can we teach our youth that will
help them not only participate in the
society we have today but to take us all
forward in the future and I have three
points the first is don’t let your
emotions become someone else’s problem
the second is own your emotional
response to others behavior and the
third you are strong when those around
you
feel safe so this has spread those out a
little the first point don’t let your
emotions become someone else’s problem
if we share emotions like happiness
delight appreciation its most unlikely
to result in conflict but if we strongly
share emotions like anger resentment
frustration that it’s likely that we’ll
be met by equally strong and negative
emotions and the escalation can continue
now the escalation may not result in the
duel to the death but it might result in
some road rage
or maybe an argument or even a fistfight
or a relationship breakdown it’s it’s ok
to have emotions we’re not saying don’t
have emotions
it’s just when we do we need to do so in
a manner that we don’t make it someone
else’s problem it’s worth noting that
virtually every violent incident and
every on the side involves an escalation
of emotions own your emotional response
to others behavior how many times have
you heard someone or yourself say you
make me so angry
really everyone else needs to behave in
a way to manage my emotions I don’t
think so
imagine if in my talk today I make some
people angry
some people bored and some people are
happy so it might be an aggravating
boring or entertaining surely I can’t be
all three at once we all need to own our
emotional response if in fact someone
else does make us feel angry often it
says as much about us as it does the
other person you are strong when those
around you feel safe one of the things I
do in my community is run a karate club
and one of the reasons I run this club
is I had the opportunity to spend with
time with and nurture young people and
around the time of the first grading I
asked them a question so what is the
measure of a man’s strength I forget to
told big biceps people do what you tell
them people don’t mess with you hmm
and I say no the measure of a man’s
strength is when people feel safe around
you because people will never fear your
strength they will only fear your
weakness if lack of boundaries your lack
of consideration your lack of respect
for others you are strong when people
feel safe around you but sadly these
aren’t the messages our youth are
generally getting today so we’re – from
here we’ll put simply we as adults the
community need to spend time with our
youth and these things we’ve talked
about can’t be learned in five minutes
it’s more likely to take
five or ten years and they cannot be
learned in a classroom setting alone
they most certainly can’t be learned in
a bootcamp or an institution we as
adults need to spend time with our youth
model the right behaviors and nurture
them when they just like we did get
things wrong so that in mind mentoring
I’ve been a mentor an hour with Big
Brothers Big Sisters for 15 years across
three relationships and this has been
the best thing that I’ve ever done for
me let alone the boys that I’ve mentored
mentoring is about friendship mentoring
is about emotional safety it’s about
providing a safe harbor where a child
can come and learn to be themselves
imagine who they’re going to be what
their future might be and we can
illuminate a path to that future I’d
like to share some stories with you
there’s this illustrate this a little
the first lesson I ever got I did get a
lesson from our young men when I started
mentoring was this I rang him up one day
to arrange a time to pick him up very
early in our relationship and he said so
what are we doing today and I told him
whatever it was and he said now I’ve had
a better offer I was horrified I didn’t
realize this was a bidding war but in
retrospect I should have realized an
adult coming into your life
maybe they seemed a little bit like an
entertainment machine with a wallet but
it was interesting that only ever
happened once very quickly a
relationship simply became about the
time we spent together and that was
great another time I went to pick him up
he was being berated by his parent don’t
get him an ice cream today he doesn’t
deserve an ice cream
he’s been naughty he’s been this he’s
been that telling this tell him that and
as this was being out lutely laid out by
the parent I could see his shoulders
sagging in his head drooping okay so he
wandered out to the car now luckily he
had a fairly long driveway so I had a
bit of time to think and when we got to
the car
I set down to him I said hang right
sorry I wasn’t paying much attention to
your parent can you remember what she
said
what no neither can i what ice cream yep
right so he went and got an ice cream
but this was a very important moment
what I was really telling this young man
was how time is about us
it’s our safe harbor we’re not going to
bring in the problems from other parts
of your life or other parts of your
world when we’re together we’re just
going to focus on us and developing and
growing our relationship one time I had
a young man in my car we pulled up at an
intersection and there’s a police car
parked next to us oh it’s a policeman I
know so I ran down the window to say hi
young man looked up I got this big no
the policeman looked at him and he
looked at me sure
and looked back trying to say call you
later will explain but think about this
how is this young man going to grow up
and be part of our society if he starts
off right at the very beginning thinking
the world’s against them so there’s some
work to do then of course not all times
are good and easy made out tough times
too I was nearly five years into one
relationship and the young lad was out
of home and unhappy of happy
circumstances and out of school and on
hand because of circumstances and
there’s about a three month period we
didn’t we hardly caught up at all I
couldn’t find him he was living rough
I spent my nights walking around looking
for him this was terrible it was just
like my own child being out on the
streets but after three months I got a
text can I come around yes
and when he came around he said to me
you need to be my dad now that’s fine
and I realized then how import
mentoring was for this young man at five
years of investment all those ice creams
walking the dog doing the fun things
around home was for this moment so when
he met this fork on the road where he
can go left he can go right he took the
right turn he had somewhere safe to go
I’ve got no idea what would have become
of him if he hadn’t had that opportunity
it’s about 10 years ago now he’s grown
up to be the most lovely young fellow
toward the end of our relationship
because they’re big brothers big sisters
we age the children out at about age ao8
on the 18th birthday he looked at me and
said so you’re going to get another one
the answer was yes factor was kind of
been arranged so I looked at him and
said no because was obvious we had some
some further distance to walk together
and now it’s been about eight years
eight years since that relationship
ended formally but we still contact they
contact each other every week with great
friends and he’s like a member of the
family now in my view the way we raise
our youth has suffered in the pursuit of
cost-effectiveness and convenience
whether its teacher pupil ratios in
school or just us as adults pursuing our
own interests we need to live for our
children and youth not in spite of them
just imagine if every young person who
needed a mentor had a mentor within 20
years our society would be a
dramatically better place so in summary
if we want to live in a more peaceful
and friendly society we the adults need
to reach out spend time and mentor
children and if we can’t then let’s
support those who can thank you very much
youth can’t raise each other but why why
can’t humans just like animals seemingly
do just grow up and get on with their
lives
I mean mosquitoes don’t need to go to
school and my dog when she had puppies I
watched very closely she was a fantastic
mother and yet I knew she had never
witnessed a birth before she was born
knowing how to be a great month but even
dogs are more fun to be around when
they’re trained don’t jump and be snappy
around food sit on the mat when you come
inside don’t hassle the cat but dogs
don’t behave like this naturally dogs
need to learn to be fun around people
people too are more fun to be around
when they behave in a considerate and
civilized manner and many of the
behaviors which make people fun to be
around
also need to be learned the good news is
is that we’re getting more civilized
over time things are improving now one
way of measuring civilization is to look
at the homicide rate the premise be we
don’t murder each other so much we’re
more civilized now in the most peaceful
countries of today of which New
Zealanders won the homicide rate runs at
about one there are a hundred thousand
people per year the global average is
about eight point eight in a more
violent societies it can be fifty or
higher but even these rates are low
compared to historical if we look at the
last century and as well as all the
homicides we include all of the deaths
from the first and second world war all
the deaths from the minor infractions
all of the deaths from the pandemics the
genocides and all the masturbation’s
it’s still the most peaceful century
that humanity has yet had and this the
century’s tracking even more peacefully
so why is this well one way to get some
insight is to flip the calendar back to
the late Middle Ages now from our
perspective today the average inhabitant
of the Middle Ages would appear to be
rude smelly just gross men regularly
killed themselves and jewels to the
death often over quite trivial things
perceived slights and disputes one of my
favorites was a duel to the death over
poetry and when some poor lad lay dying
on the ground was customary someone runs
over the pen and a quill to capture his
pithy thoughts a summary of his life in
one sentence that could be passed down
the generations to us today and what he
said was actually I haven’t read the
poem it’s funny right because we might
do that too manners were also his short
supply this is perhaps best represented
by a very popular publication called on
civility and boys which had a guide for
when visiting other people abyss
visiting their homes
it included don’t foul the staircase the
corridor the closet all the wall
hangings with urine or other filth don’t
relieve yourself in front of ladies
don’t blow your nose on the tablecloth
all good advice but not the things would
expect to have to tell a 13 year old boy
today but it wasn’t just boys behaving
badly people across society lack manners
and general social skills so there are
lots of disputes lots of arguments these
are times led to violence and sometimes
this led to homicides we don’t though
need to go back so far to see how much
and how fast our society is changing
just consider since the 1970s about how
a collective attitudes have changed to
homosexuality smoking drink driving men
beating their wives and children men
taking advantage of women in the
workplace or violence on the sports
field or on the sidelines this rate of
change is ongoing and generally for the
better
consequently modern life requires
sophisticated social skills to
participate it’s no longer okay just to
do what you feel like when you feel like
doing it with all the fast-food outlets
and the junk food that’s in our
supermarkets even eating requires quite
a lot of knowledge and behavior
regulation
imagine if your only diet advice was
just eat what you want as much as you
want whenever you want it wouldn’t be
the best outcome similarly if our life
advice was just do and say whatever you
like
whenever you feel like it without
regarding the consequences to others it
probably wouldn’t be very helpful either
so what does this mean for our youth
does it mean they must learn an
ever-expanding code of conduct to deal
with the increasing demands of a modern
society I don’t believe this is possible
little impractical so let’s go back to
our first point our youth can’t raise
themselves and our youth youth can’t
raise each other
if we do have a cohort of youth who were
left to raise themselves in each other
it’s most unlikely that that arrive at a
set of social skills and behaviors that
would match those that have been
developed over hundreds of years and
millions of people and led to our more
peaceful society today equally it’s
unlikely that if we take a competent
youth who’s surrounded and supported by
caring adults that he won’t become a
valued member of his own Society
so I’ve spent some time thinking what is
it what can we teach our youth that will
help them not only participate in the
society we have today but to take us all
forward in the future and I have three
points the first is don’t let your
emotions become someone else’s problem
the second is own your emotional
response to others behavior and the
third you are strong when those around
you
feel safe so this has spread those out a
little the first point don’t let your
emotions become someone else’s problem
if we share emotions like happiness
delight appreciation its most unlikely
to result in conflict but if we strongly
share emotions like anger resentment
frustration that it’s likely that we’ll
be met by equally strong and negative
emotions and the escalation can continue
now the escalation may not result in the
duel to the death but it might result in
some road rage
or maybe an argument or even a fistfight
or a relationship breakdown it’s it’s ok
to have emotions we’re not saying don’t
have emotions
it’s just when we do we need to do so in
a manner that we don’t make it someone
else’s problem it’s worth noting that
virtually every violent incident and
every on the side involves an escalation
of emotions own your emotional response
to others behavior how many times have
you heard someone or yourself say you
make me so angry
really everyone else needs to behave in
a way to manage my emotions I don’t
think so
imagine if in my talk today I make some
people angry
some people bored and some people are
happy so it might be an aggravating
boring or entertaining surely I can’t be
all three at once we all need to own our
emotional response if in fact someone
else does make us feel angry often it
says as much about us as it does the
other person you are strong when those
around you feel safe one of the things I
do in my community is run a karate club
and one of the reasons I run this club
is I had the opportunity to spend with
time with and nurture young people and
around the time of the first grading I
asked them a question so what is the
measure of a man’s strength I forget to
told big biceps people do what you tell
them people don’t mess with you hmm
and I say no the measure of a man’s
strength is when people feel safe around
you because people will never fear your
strength they will only fear your
weakness if lack of boundaries your lack
of consideration your lack of respect
for others you are strong when people
feel safe around you but sadly these
aren’t the messages our youth are
generally getting today so we’re – from
here we’ll put simply we as adults the
community need to spend time with our
youth and these things we’ve talked
about can’t be learned in five minutes
it’s more likely to take
five or ten years and they cannot be
learned in a classroom setting alone
they most certainly can’t be learned in
a bootcamp or an institution we as
adults need to spend time with our youth
model the right behaviors and nurture
them when they just like we did get
things wrong so that in mind mentoring
I’ve been a mentor an hour with Big
Brothers Big Sisters for 15 years across
three relationships and this has been
the best thing that I’ve ever done for
me let alone the boys that I’ve mentored
mentoring is about friendship mentoring
is about emotional safety it’s about
providing a safe harbor where a child
can come and learn to be themselves
imagine who they’re going to be what
their future might be and we can
illuminate a path to that future I’d
like to share some stories with you
there’s this illustrate this a little
the first lesson I ever got I did get a
lesson from our young men when I started
mentoring was this I rang him up one day
to arrange a time to pick him up very
early in our relationship and he said so
what are we doing today and I told him
whatever it was and he said now I’ve had
a better offer I was horrified I didn’t
realize this was a bidding war but in
retrospect I should have realized an
adult coming into your life
maybe they seemed a little bit like an
entertainment machine with a wallet but
it was interesting that only ever
happened once very quickly a
relationship simply became about the
time we spent together and that was
great another time I went to pick him up
he was being berated by his parent don’t
get him an ice cream today he doesn’t
deserve an ice cream
he’s been naughty he’s been this he’s
been that telling this tell him that and
as this was being out lutely laid out by
the parent I could see his shoulders
sagging in his head drooping okay so he
wandered out to the car now luckily he
had a fairly long driveway so I had a
bit of time to think and when we got to
the car
I set down to him I said hang right
sorry I wasn’t paying much attention to
your parent can you remember what she
said
what no neither can i what ice cream yep
right so he went and got an ice cream
but this was a very important moment
what I was really telling this young man
was how time is about us
it’s our safe harbor we’re not going to
bring in the problems from other parts
of your life or other parts of your
world when we’re together we’re just
going to focus on us and developing and
growing our relationship one time I had
a young man in my car we pulled up at an
intersection and there’s a police car
parked next to us oh it’s a policeman I
know so I ran down the window to say hi
young man looked up I got this big no
the policeman looked at him and he
looked at me sure
and looked back trying to say call you
later will explain but think about this
how is this young man going to grow up
and be part of our society if he starts
off right at the very beginning thinking
the world’s against them so there’s some
work to do then of course not all times
are good and easy made out tough times
too I was nearly five years into one
relationship and the young lad was out
of home and unhappy of happy
circumstances and out of school and on
hand because of circumstances and
there’s about a three month period we
didn’t we hardly caught up at all I
couldn’t find him he was living rough
I spent my nights walking around looking
for him this was terrible it was just
like my own child being out on the
streets but after three months I got a
text can I come around yes
and when he came around he said to me
you need to be my dad now that’s fine
and I realized then how import
mentoring was for this young man at five
years of investment all those ice creams
walking the dog doing the fun things
around home was for this moment so when
he met this fork on the road where he
can go left he can go right he took the
right turn he had somewhere safe to go
I’ve got no idea what would have become
of him if he hadn’t had that opportunity
it’s about 10 years ago now he’s grown
up to be the most lovely young fellow
toward the end of our relationship
because they’re big brothers big sisters
we age the children out at about age ao8
on the 18th birthday he looked at me and
said so you’re going to get another one
the answer was yes factor was kind of
been arranged so I looked at him and
said no because was obvious we had some
some further distance to walk together
and now it’s been about eight years
eight years since that relationship
ended formally but we still contact they
contact each other every week with great
friends and he’s like a member of the
family now in my view the way we raise
our youth has suffered in the pursuit of
cost-effectiveness and convenience
whether its teacher pupil ratios in
school or just us as adults pursuing our
own interests we need to live for our
children and youth not in spite of them
just imagine if every young person who
needed a mentor had a mentor within 20
years our society would be a
dramatically better place so in summary
if we want to live in a more peaceful
and friendly society we the adults need
to reach out spend time and mentor
children and if we can’t then let’s
support those who can thank you very much
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