her name was Regina it’s a wonder I
don’t remember her last name given the
impact she had on me in the summer of
1984 Regina was a brilliant woman who
was heading off to Harvard Medical
School in the fall that summer she and I
were both hired as interns at a major
pharmaceutical firm in the Midwest the
company arranged housing and Regina and
I were assigned as roommates she taught
me a lot that summer about what it takes
to create a new drug four years of
clinical trials and testing but that’s
not all I learned from Regina that
summer you see Regina was black I grew
up in a predominantly white neighborhood
and I had never really had a long
conversation with a black person before
in fact my grandfather who lived with us
called black people
Sparta’s a Yiddish term which literally
means blacks but was often used as a
derogatory word when I was 12 years old
I remember my father coming home in a
panic saying he was just robbed at
gunpoint by a black man in Gary Indiana
and when I was 16 years old I was
driving back from Chicago and I got lost
I took a wrong turn I ended up on the
south side of Chicago a predominantly
black neighborhood I stopped at a
7-eleven convenience store to ask for
directions and before I could get out of
the car a drunk black man tried to get
in I was pee in my pants scared I
quickly locked the doors rolled up the
windows and got out of there I drove
around until I found a police car and
the very first thing out of that police
officers mouth was what are you doing in
this neighborhood white girl
my impressions about black people were
formed by what I heard and what I
experienced and this is how prejudices
get formed often by what we hear by
those we love and trust and then
experiences that back it up but it’s not
as simple as that see we all have
something called confirmation bias which
means we look for those experiences as
evidence to confirm what we already
believe and we ignore and we refute
experiences and evidence that refutes it
that goes against it so the black robber
and the drunk black man confirmed my
belief that blacks were up to no good
and yet at the same time I probably
ignored a nice black sales lady that
waited on me in a store and I barely
gave a second thought to the nice black
police officer who helped me get back
home so here I was moving with Regina
and that summer we also carpooled with
three male colleagues all black I
remember one time on our way to work I
was sitting in the backseat and I was
looking out the window at a stoplight
there was a white woman in the car next
to me and she looked over at me and she
she kind of did a double-take and then
she mouthed are you okay as if just
being a white woman in a car with four
black people must have meant something
nefarious was at hand I turned to the
people in the car and I told them what
just happened and they weren’t even
surprised
in fact I learned a lot from all of them
that summer I learned how much harder
they had to work to make a good
impression how people often expected the
worst of them and then were almost
surprised to find out that they were
good and kind and decent and smart I
learned that if a man’s name was Tyrell
versus Tim his opinion was already
discounted and I learned that if they
walked into an upscale department store
they were often followed by security
guards
I also learned when they took me to a
restaurant in a predominately black
neighborhood I still felt scared sure my
tolerance and acceptance of educated
black people went up but all others it
took me about an hour sitting there in
the restaurant to fully calm down I saw
that the waitress was sweet and that
everybody there was just peacefully
eating their meal I realized then I had
to start doing a better job at judging
people by their character and not the
color of their skin
fast forward to more than thirty years
later and we still are dealing with
issues of prejudice the whole movement
of black lives matter is a testament to
this and the backlash of all lives
matter means people still don’t get it
of course all lives matter but black
lives matter just as much as a Jew I
have also been the target of prejudice
my in-laws are Holocaust survivors and I
have a lot of distant relatives who were
murdered at outfits my oldest son came
home one day and he said some boys threw
coins at his feet and said pick it up
Jew you know you want it and in 2017
there has been an 86 percent spike in
anti-semitic incidents in the US alone
and it doesn’t stop there there are
those who hate or suspicious of all
Muslims because a small percentage of
them have tried to kidnap the religion
for their own radical agenda there are
those who believe that all Polish people
are stupid or Irish or drunkards or
Mexicans or lazy or Protestants or too
uptight people thinking that other
people are worse just because they’re
different so I want you to all do me a
favor and take a look at one of your
neighbors just take a look you’ll notice
the physical differences maybe their
hair is different or the color of their
skin maybe their eye color is different
I would say maybe what they’re wearing
but we’ve got a lot of Rutgers prep and
read the physical differences you’ll
notice but what you won’t notice are all
the differences going on inside their
head they may have a different religious
belief than you they may feel
differently about global warming or gun
rights or what to do for our environment
they may have a different view on world
politics world economics they may have
been raised with different family values
or they may have different thoughts
about what constitutes a family they may
have a different sexual orientation or a
different ethnic background right here
in this audience alone you are already
in a sea of differences I do not know if
we will ever live in a world of total
tolerance but I do know that each of us
here today can make choices to create a
more tolerant accepting world
I have to say I am a self dubbed queen
of choice I wrote a book about choices I
speak about choices and in my executive
coaching practice I help leaders make
choices all the time
to maximize their potential what we
believe about ourselves and others is a
choice the way we treat others is a
choice and what we do to create a more
tolerant accepting world is a choice so
what can we do what difference can we
make what choices can we choose well let
me tell you what I’ve done the first
thing I chose to do was to become more
conscious more aware of my prejudices I
didn’t even realize how precious I was
against Blacks until Regina opened that
door and my very first thought was uh-oh
and then I saw her afro and I thought
what’s that all about aren’t black
supposed to relax their hair to fit in I
took it as a sign of defiance and I felt
scared and I felt suspicious but I
didn’t want to feel that way about my
roommate I really really didn’t want to
feel that way so the second thing I
chose to do was to become curious to ask
for about her background her experiences
her likes her dislikes her family her
boyfriends I really wanted to get to
know Regina as a person and not as a
colour the third thing I chose to do was
to become more empathetic to her
hardships and to the hardships of others
I can sometimes hide the fact that I’m
Jewish if someone wishes me Merry
Christmas I often just say Merry
Christmas to you too but a black person
can’t hide their colour so I try to
imagine myself going into an
see meeting and saying hail I’m Jewish
the kind of fear and suspicion that
would be targeted my way and I tried to
take that emotion and then transfer it
to thinking what if I stepped into a
store and was followed by a security
guard and this little emotional mental
exercise helped me feel more
compassionate so conscious curious
compassionate but I didn’t want to stop
there so I decided to become more
committed committed to looking at every
time I prejudged someone or a group of
people so what did I feel about those
who voted opposite from me in the last
election did I think they were stupid or
racist or uncaring what did I feel about
all agents did I think they were all
smart or Hispanics all friendly because
those two those sorts of positive
stereotypes are also forms of prejudging
prejudging people based on groups
prejudging people based on backgrounds
prejudging prejudice so I chose to be
committed to make sure that I stopped
myself any time I caught myself
prejudging anyone and not getting to
know them as individuals the next thing
I chose to do was to be courageous it’s
not easy for me to stand up here and
admit that I once held these prejudices
I’m not proud of it and in fact I feel a
bit exposed but I’m hoping by my sharing
my story it’ll inspire and encourage you
to think about your own feelings your
own beliefs and anytime you’re
prejudging and make a choice to change
okay so we have conscious curious
compassionate committed and courageous
so the last thing I chose to do I
promise you does not begin with a C I
chose to try to influence others not
just through talks like this but through
discussions discussions with individuals
discussions not to challenge them
directly because that barely ever works
people get very defensive in their
beliefs but to try to understand how
they were formed where do they come from
and then help chip away at them much
like Regina and my carpool buddies
helped me do so many years ago
individual discussions so I guess there
really is another C and that would be
conversations conversations with people
to get to know them and help them change
and help them see that individuals are
individuals with their own set of
character and motivations and talents it
kind of reminds me of the story of the
boy who’s throwing starfish back in the
ocean he picks up a starfish at the
beach he throws in the ocean he picks up
another starfish he throws it in the
ocean and a man comes by and he says hey
son what are you doing and the boy says
well I’m throwing starfish in the ocean
so they could live and the man says son
look it there’s thousands and thousands
of starfish here on the beach you’ll
never make a difference and the boy
picks up another starfish throws it in
the ocean and says I made a difference
to that one so let me leave you today
with a question what can you do what
choices can you make to create a more
tolerant accepting world thank you
[Applause]
don’t remember her last name given the
impact she had on me in the summer of
1984 Regina was a brilliant woman who
was heading off to Harvard Medical
School in the fall that summer she and I
were both hired as interns at a major
pharmaceutical firm in the Midwest the
company arranged housing and Regina and
I were assigned as roommates she taught
me a lot that summer about what it takes
to create a new drug four years of
clinical trials and testing but that’s
not all I learned from Regina that
summer you see Regina was black I grew
up in a predominantly white neighborhood
and I had never really had a long
conversation with a black person before
in fact my grandfather who lived with us
called black people
Sparta’s a Yiddish term which literally
means blacks but was often used as a
derogatory word when I was 12 years old
I remember my father coming home in a
panic saying he was just robbed at
gunpoint by a black man in Gary Indiana
and when I was 16 years old I was
driving back from Chicago and I got lost
I took a wrong turn I ended up on the
south side of Chicago a predominantly
black neighborhood I stopped at a
7-eleven convenience store to ask for
directions and before I could get out of
the car a drunk black man tried to get
in I was pee in my pants scared I
quickly locked the doors rolled up the
windows and got out of there I drove
around until I found a police car and
the very first thing out of that police
officers mouth was what are you doing in
this neighborhood white girl
my impressions about black people were
formed by what I heard and what I
experienced and this is how prejudices
get formed often by what we hear by
those we love and trust and then
experiences that back it up but it’s not
as simple as that see we all have
something called confirmation bias which
means we look for those experiences as
evidence to confirm what we already
believe and we ignore and we refute
experiences and evidence that refutes it
that goes against it so the black robber
and the drunk black man confirmed my
belief that blacks were up to no good
and yet at the same time I probably
ignored a nice black sales lady that
waited on me in a store and I barely
gave a second thought to the nice black
police officer who helped me get back
home so here I was moving with Regina
and that summer we also carpooled with
three male colleagues all black I
remember one time on our way to work I
was sitting in the backseat and I was
looking out the window at a stoplight
there was a white woman in the car next
to me and she looked over at me and she
she kind of did a double-take and then
she mouthed are you okay as if just
being a white woman in a car with four
black people must have meant something
nefarious was at hand I turned to the
people in the car and I told them what
just happened and they weren’t even
surprised
in fact I learned a lot from all of them
that summer I learned how much harder
they had to work to make a good
impression how people often expected the
worst of them and then were almost
surprised to find out that they were
good and kind and decent and smart I
learned that if a man’s name was Tyrell
versus Tim his opinion was already
discounted and I learned that if they
walked into an upscale department store
they were often followed by security
guards
I also learned when they took me to a
restaurant in a predominately black
neighborhood I still felt scared sure my
tolerance and acceptance of educated
black people went up but all others it
took me about an hour sitting there in
the restaurant to fully calm down I saw
that the waitress was sweet and that
everybody there was just peacefully
eating their meal I realized then I had
to start doing a better job at judging
people by their character and not the
color of their skin
fast forward to more than thirty years
later and we still are dealing with
issues of prejudice the whole movement
of black lives matter is a testament to
this and the backlash of all lives
matter means people still don’t get it
of course all lives matter but black
lives matter just as much as a Jew I
have also been the target of prejudice
my in-laws are Holocaust survivors and I
have a lot of distant relatives who were
murdered at outfits my oldest son came
home one day and he said some boys threw
coins at his feet and said pick it up
Jew you know you want it and in 2017
there has been an 86 percent spike in
anti-semitic incidents in the US alone
and it doesn’t stop there there are
those who hate or suspicious of all
Muslims because a small percentage of
them have tried to kidnap the religion
for their own radical agenda there are
those who believe that all Polish people
are stupid or Irish or drunkards or
Mexicans or lazy or Protestants or too
uptight people thinking that other
people are worse just because they’re
different so I want you to all do me a
favor and take a look at one of your
neighbors just take a look you’ll notice
the physical differences maybe their
hair is different or the color of their
skin maybe their eye color is different
I would say maybe what they’re wearing
but we’ve got a lot of Rutgers prep and
read the physical differences you’ll
notice but what you won’t notice are all
the differences going on inside their
head they may have a different religious
belief than you they may feel
differently about global warming or gun
rights or what to do for our environment
they may have a different view on world
politics world economics they may have
been raised with different family values
or they may have different thoughts
about what constitutes a family they may
have a different sexual orientation or a
different ethnic background right here
in this audience alone you are already
in a sea of differences I do not know if
we will ever live in a world of total
tolerance but I do know that each of us
here today can make choices to create a
more tolerant accepting world
I have to say I am a self dubbed queen
of choice I wrote a book about choices I
speak about choices and in my executive
coaching practice I help leaders make
choices all the time
to maximize their potential what we
believe about ourselves and others is a
choice the way we treat others is a
choice and what we do to create a more
tolerant accepting world is a choice so
what can we do what difference can we
make what choices can we choose well let
me tell you what I’ve done the first
thing I chose to do was to become more
conscious more aware of my prejudices I
didn’t even realize how precious I was
against Blacks until Regina opened that
door and my very first thought was uh-oh
and then I saw her afro and I thought
what’s that all about aren’t black
supposed to relax their hair to fit in I
took it as a sign of defiance and I felt
scared and I felt suspicious but I
didn’t want to feel that way about my
roommate I really really didn’t want to
feel that way so the second thing I
chose to do was to become curious to ask
for about her background her experiences
her likes her dislikes her family her
boyfriends I really wanted to get to
know Regina as a person and not as a
colour the third thing I chose to do was
to become more empathetic to her
hardships and to the hardships of others
I can sometimes hide the fact that I’m
Jewish if someone wishes me Merry
Christmas I often just say Merry
Christmas to you too but a black person
can’t hide their colour so I try to
imagine myself going into an
see meeting and saying hail I’m Jewish
the kind of fear and suspicion that
would be targeted my way and I tried to
take that emotion and then transfer it
to thinking what if I stepped into a
store and was followed by a security
guard and this little emotional mental
exercise helped me feel more
compassionate so conscious curious
compassionate but I didn’t want to stop
there so I decided to become more
committed committed to looking at every
time I prejudged someone or a group of
people so what did I feel about those
who voted opposite from me in the last
election did I think they were stupid or
racist or uncaring what did I feel about
all agents did I think they were all
smart or Hispanics all friendly because
those two those sorts of positive
stereotypes are also forms of prejudging
prejudging people based on groups
prejudging people based on backgrounds
prejudging prejudice so I chose to be
committed to make sure that I stopped
myself any time I caught myself
prejudging anyone and not getting to
know them as individuals the next thing
I chose to do was to be courageous it’s
not easy for me to stand up here and
admit that I once held these prejudices
I’m not proud of it and in fact I feel a
bit exposed but I’m hoping by my sharing
my story it’ll inspire and encourage you
to think about your own feelings your
own beliefs and anytime you’re
prejudging and make a choice to change
okay so we have conscious curious
compassionate committed and courageous
so the last thing I chose to do I
promise you does not begin with a C I
chose to try to influence others not
just through talks like this but through
discussions discussions with individuals
discussions not to challenge them
directly because that barely ever works
people get very defensive in their
beliefs but to try to understand how
they were formed where do they come from
and then help chip away at them much
like Regina and my carpool buddies
helped me do so many years ago
individual discussions so I guess there
really is another C and that would be
conversations conversations with people
to get to know them and help them change
and help them see that individuals are
individuals with their own set of
character and motivations and talents it
kind of reminds me of the story of the
boy who’s throwing starfish back in the
ocean he picks up a starfish at the
beach he throws in the ocean he picks up
another starfish he throws it in the
ocean and a man comes by and he says hey
son what are you doing and the boy says
well I’m throwing starfish in the ocean
so they could live and the man says son
look it there’s thousands and thousands
of starfish here on the beach you’ll
never make a difference and the boy
picks up another starfish throws it in
the ocean and says I made a difference
to that one so let me leave you today
with a question what can you do what
choices can you make to create a more
tolerant accepting world thank you
[Applause]
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