that picture was taken when me my friend
bill and his younger brothers were on
our way to secret cinema to watch Empire
Strikes Back and they give you roles to
give you pre assigned roles before you
nearly I think seventy-two percent of
respondents to a comrade survey in 2016
agreed that most people in Britain have
a negative view of Islam seventy two
percent I’ve been forced to think about
identity a lot over the last few years
in March 2015 in a documentary for
channel 4 Trevor Phillips the former
head of the Equality Commission and
all-around not a legend he concluded
that Muslims were not like the rest of
population we have a problem integrating
he genuinely said that in December 2016
Dame Louise Casey published a review for
the government in which he was also
damning on Muslims integrating in
Britain and just last month January 2018
bbc’s panorama returned to my home town
of Blackburn to let us know that
segregation between the Asians mostly
Muslim and whites had worsened now my
initial instinct with people like Trevor
Phillips is to get defensive and angry
but then I think no that’s what he wants
he wants that because here’s the thing I
am British I was made in Britain the one
looks in the mirror and sees a face that
isn’t typically mainstream and this face
has two flicks with two concurrently
running right-wing narratives on the one
hand when we create our own spaces
places of worship shops places like that
neighborhoods we get accused of not
integrating conversely when more than a
single-digit amount of us congregate in
mainstream spaces shopping centers
football matches service station
McDonald’s on the m6 we have to here’s
whispers like art a bloody everywhere
are they taking over we can’t be doing
boss we can’t be simultaneously not
integrating and be bloody everywhere
in an Apes awesome or appalled also 2016
various respondents said that they
thought the Muslim population in Britain
was 15% its 5% furthermore they thought
the Muslim population in Britain in 2020
would be 22% but naturally it’s going to
be more like approximately 6% why the
fear of this joke in my stand-up routine
it goes a Muslim so got all of that
going on if you don’t know that much
about us Muslims and you recognize us
because we’ve been on the show a lot
this series heavenly it is a joke but
the reason why it works so well is
because audiences can recognize the
truth Ernie unfortunately most people in
this country and invited Europe and in
the u.s. all in all Muslims from the
media and the vast majority of that is
when a Muslim persons commits a crime
and is on the news and of course
breaking the law is awful of course is
and sometimes people who are Muslim
commits horrific crimes and that is bad
you know what is also really harmful
blaming and stigmatizing an entire
community because of the actions of some
criminals and I do blame the media for
this it’s like they’ve groomed the most
acceptable society to trust its own
worst fears and bigotry and look maybe
there’s no actual evidence of what I’m
saying but I just feel like a harmful
narrative is being created by the media
whereby minority groups are collectively
judged by the very worst representatives
but as I said maybe there’s no actual
evidence as I said maybe there’s no
actual evidence for what I’m saying but
it’s just just a feeling I have I do
believe that integration is a two-way
street and if it’s true that most people
in Britain don’t know any Muslims
personally then allow me to take two
minutes to tell you a bit about me
Blackburn is was born and raised in a
working-class Asian community as well
now there was the sort of community that
was right for documentary about
integration or to documentaries or three
but the thing is growing up in an
insular working-class Asian Muslim
Northwest based England English
community it comes his own fascinating
subculture
it means school had the GCSE passed rate
of thirty percent which is half of the
sixty percent national average it didn’t
help that we speak like this in Electra
a rubber dinghy Rapids bro there were
actually more race rights in my school
than music teachers oblivia not in
primary school Chris Wade relief
answered Halima so I taught him to
impress her some random Punjabi dari ma
m6 spinning energy she then slapped him
because that actually means your mum
dances naked on the m6 poor Chris every
evening after school I went to mosque to
sit on the floor is in the Koran in a
language I didn’t understand trading
pubs my friends and dodging the Imams
punches and I mean that literally not
figuratively all our names mean
something cool like my cousin Shabazz
his name means eagle where’s my cousin
Malaika her name means angel how sweet
is that I actually googled my name to
find out what that means my full name
it’s that tehzeeb T E H said EE
B it’s not a name that is it if anything
hey it a go I know sing as though I did
google it to find out what it means and
it turns out genuinely that a Bollywood
film out there called Hasib and I
thought that this information was
outstanding until I read the plot of the
film and then I wasn’t so impressed so
this is a genuine plot of the genuine
Bollywood film tehzeeb which also
happens to be my name
story time Anwar and Roxanna had been
married for years miss qu’atsu so far
however Anwar commits suicide
plot twist after falling into a deep
depression following the birth of his
I went to university only weeks after
9/11 and so man if I asked is
biochemistry degree they’re gonna put me
in a bloody watchlist so I just learned
to dance instead we don’t drink but
we’ve used a long – tisha our artist
halal me and with the face of diabetes
because well we basically treat desserts
like my friend Chris treats a bottle of
whiskey they’re to be destroyed I don’t
drink
which makes going out with certain
friends a bit tricky and it actually go
on Chris estado which he had in Benidorm
how many of you guys ever been to
[Applause]
Benidorm is like Narnia
if Narnia was also a retirement home for
British nationalists right is genuinely
though genuinely because I don’t drink
the whole time I was in Benidorm I was a
bit like you know that guy who goes to
Alton Towers theme park but just holds
the bugs and the courts when everyone
else goes on the rides it’s not what I
was like for this guy I watched a lot of
my friends and cousins and family
flourish in black men making big success
for themselves but there’s no more
people from black men who’s been to
prison than who work in the arts I don’t
want my niece and nephew growing up in a
Britain where the games trouble at
school because they tell the teacher
they live in a terraced house but she
hears terrorists house and calls the
damn police that’s actually happened to
someone over the last 15 years I’ve seen
the changing attitudes of people
institutions towards people who look
like me meaning I must be a spokesperson
when summer from a similar background to
me does something evil and it’s all very
well being a stand-up comedian but I
must qualified to comment on terrorism
as Manchester United fans are to comment
now a lot of people here and watching
this maybe somewhere else they won’t
recognize a lot of those life
experiences maybe it’s quite unique
perspective to them but all of those
things have happened to me living in
this country there is not one homogenous
British identity British culture an
identity is always changing sixty-five
years ago this country killed thousands
of maomao
in Kenya in gulags we all abolished
section 28 the archaic law permitted the
promotion of homosexuality in 2003 2003
and just a short 30 years ago men in
this country so it was acceptable to
have a male you know this country is
ever-changing philosophical moral
cultural evolution and revolution is at
the very core of this country’s DNA as
well as physiological so yes the lives
that some Muslims lead in Britain might
not be typically British but that does
not make us any less British the fact
that my life experiences are happening
in Britain today means they are by
default British experiences and boy
those experiences are not easy sometimes
there are genuine groups of people out
there who hate Muslims and Islam BNP
British National Party EDL English
Defence League Britain’s first the
haters and one of the reasons they give
because apparently we don’t integrate
they’ve got this conspiracy that we’re
trying to take over with our halal me
and Sharia law and muslimah Cragen’s
said genuine quote and because they
think we don’t integrate they wish we’d
left and went back to Muslim East an
again again a genuine quote ignoring the
fact that most of us were born here so
very min to go and I don’t even know
what to label this bigotry as because
when I challenge it they tell me that
Islamophobia doesn’t exist and it can’t
be racism because Islam is not a race
I guess it is just a convenient
coincidence then that 90% of Muslims in
this country happen to be brown and
black what the biggest don’t realize is
the in effect that is avalanche of
negativity has had on the Muslim psyche
I should have to work so little to come
across so much Muslim bashing every
single day but I do this sort of thing
makes people retreat and become more
insular you know what hearing and seeing
this sort of thing day in day out makes
you not want to do integrate thing is
this bigotry manifests itself manifests
itself in really weird ways I was I was
doing a stand-up gig a couple of years
ago and completely unrelated to anything
that I was saying on stage a woman from
the back of the room heckled me and she
shattered out on the top of her voice
I don’t know what she thought was gonna
happen like bacon is many things but
don’t know what she saw was happening
did she think I was the Wicked Witch of
the West
she was Dorothy in this story the bacon
with a metaphorical pail of water I’m
like oh I’m melting I’m melting
attack attack flying monkey Taliban
creatures attack no it’s not like she’s
going to Muslim majority countries and
they shout these things that I heard
they’re not relevant to her like Oh a
dignity if I had a pound for every
single time my match on tinder blocked
me when they found out I was Muslim I’d
have thirteen pounds you have to laugh
the tide man it makes me very feel like
other but here’s me top 10 University
graduate masses educated lived for ten
years in gentrified South London takes
his own Shore to the Illuma French
festival star of a BBC sitcom pretty
well-adjusted British Muslim by all
accounts and I feel like other if that’s
me
then how is a young kid growing up today
in an insular community in Bradford or
East London feeling but then I think
about other things and I remember that a
couple of years ago the end of Ramadan
coincided with the Edinburgh Fringe
Festival
so celebrating Eid away from my family
for the very first time in my life and I
felt quite lonely but then my fellow
comics my friends they took me out for
an eID meal and they bought me an eighth
cake and they sang happy is to you and
there is not a thing
but has one the sweetest memories of my
entire life and I think about my
granddad who fought for this country in
the second world war and after the war
along with thousands of other expats he
came here and helped rebuild it so how
can I not be longer and I think about my
mom my dear mom who came to this country
as a teenager with no formal education
but she made damn sure that I could read
and write well make something of myself
and I was fortunate enough to take on
pilgrimage a couple of years ago the
Hajj and Nona’s there I just thought
about all the sacrifices and hard work
but she done and she made to make sure
that could fit in in the country of my
birth so to hell with the bigots if
they’re gonna make me feel like I don’t
belong and you know what don’t maybe
Trevor Phillips is right maybe maybe we
are different you know maybe maybe we
haven’t integrated you know apart from
wearing the clothes and speaking the
language and paint lucky loads of tax
and
looking after people when they leave
pubs and clubs by feeding them in
restaurants and Taker is and taking them
home in cabs and making about
disproportionate percentage of the
frontline services of the NHS apart from
those very minor things
yeah par from that we’ve made no effort
at all and I always find it very very
interesting because I’ve studied British
history and actually going to another
country not speaking the language
forcing your customs on others sticking
to your own religion and making no
effort to integrate it’s actually the
most British thing you can do
stuff so if the big that’s alright um
you’re trying to take over the country
then actually it doesn’t get any more
British than that does it
I’m always find it really ironic that
the people who say but if you don’t like
it here why don’t you go somewhere else
they are the people who complain about
this country the most so I say to you
mr. BNP miss Britain first mr. EDL if
you don’t like it here why don’t you go
somewhere where you belong
Benidorm cuz we ain’t going nowhere
guys thank you so much for listening antes ileus good night and I love les
bill and his younger brothers were on
our way to secret cinema to watch Empire
Strikes Back and they give you roles to
give you pre assigned roles before you
nearly I think seventy-two percent of
respondents to a comrade survey in 2016
agreed that most people in Britain have
a negative view of Islam seventy two
percent I’ve been forced to think about
identity a lot over the last few years
in March 2015 in a documentary for
channel 4 Trevor Phillips the former
head of the Equality Commission and
all-around not a legend he concluded
that Muslims were not like the rest of
population we have a problem integrating
he genuinely said that in December 2016
Dame Louise Casey published a review for
the government in which he was also
damning on Muslims integrating in
Britain and just last month January 2018
bbc’s panorama returned to my home town
of Blackburn to let us know that
segregation between the Asians mostly
Muslim and whites had worsened now my
initial instinct with people like Trevor
Phillips is to get defensive and angry
but then I think no that’s what he wants
he wants that because here’s the thing I
am British I was made in Britain the one
looks in the mirror and sees a face that
isn’t typically mainstream and this face
has two flicks with two concurrently
running right-wing narratives on the one
hand when we create our own spaces
places of worship shops places like that
neighborhoods we get accused of not
integrating conversely when more than a
single-digit amount of us congregate in
mainstream spaces shopping centers
football matches service station
McDonald’s on the m6 we have to here’s
whispers like art a bloody everywhere
are they taking over we can’t be doing
boss we can’t be simultaneously not
integrating and be bloody everywhere
in an Apes awesome or appalled also 2016
various respondents said that they
thought the Muslim population in Britain
was 15% its 5% furthermore they thought
the Muslim population in Britain in 2020
would be 22% but naturally it’s going to
be more like approximately 6% why the
fear of this joke in my stand-up routine
it goes a Muslim so got all of that
going on if you don’t know that much
about us Muslims and you recognize us
because we’ve been on the show a lot
this series heavenly it is a joke but
the reason why it works so well is
because audiences can recognize the
truth Ernie unfortunately most people in
this country and invited Europe and in
the u.s. all in all Muslims from the
media and the vast majority of that is
when a Muslim persons commits a crime
and is on the news and of course
breaking the law is awful of course is
and sometimes people who are Muslim
commits horrific crimes and that is bad
you know what is also really harmful
blaming and stigmatizing an entire
community because of the actions of some
criminals and I do blame the media for
this it’s like they’ve groomed the most
acceptable society to trust its own
worst fears and bigotry and look maybe
there’s no actual evidence of what I’m
saying but I just feel like a harmful
narrative is being created by the media
whereby minority groups are collectively
judged by the very worst representatives
but as I said maybe there’s no actual
evidence as I said maybe there’s no
actual evidence for what I’m saying but
it’s just just a feeling I have I do
believe that integration is a two-way
street and if it’s true that most people
in Britain don’t know any Muslims
personally then allow me to take two
minutes to tell you a bit about me
Blackburn is was born and raised in a
working-class Asian community as well
now there was the sort of community that
was right for documentary about
integration or to documentaries or three
but the thing is growing up in an
insular working-class Asian Muslim
Northwest based England English
community it comes his own fascinating
subculture
it means school had the GCSE passed rate
of thirty percent which is half of the
sixty percent national average it didn’t
help that we speak like this in Electra
a rubber dinghy Rapids bro there were
actually more race rights in my school
than music teachers oblivia not in
primary school Chris Wade relief
answered Halima so I taught him to
impress her some random Punjabi dari ma
m6 spinning energy she then slapped him
because that actually means your mum
dances naked on the m6 poor Chris every
evening after school I went to mosque to
sit on the floor is in the Koran in a
language I didn’t understand trading
pubs my friends and dodging the Imams
punches and I mean that literally not
figuratively all our names mean
something cool like my cousin Shabazz
his name means eagle where’s my cousin
Malaika her name means angel how sweet
is that I actually googled my name to
find out what that means my full name
it’s that tehzeeb T E H said EE
B it’s not a name that is it if anything
hey it a go I know sing as though I did
google it to find out what it means and
it turns out genuinely that a Bollywood
film out there called Hasib and I
thought that this information was
outstanding until I read the plot of the
film and then I wasn’t so impressed so
this is a genuine plot of the genuine
Bollywood film tehzeeb which also
happens to be my name
story time Anwar and Roxanna had been
married for years miss qu’atsu so far
however Anwar commits suicide
plot twist after falling into a deep
depression following the birth of his
I went to university only weeks after
9/11 and so man if I asked is
biochemistry degree they’re gonna put me
in a bloody watchlist so I just learned
to dance instead we don’t drink but
we’ve used a long – tisha our artist
halal me and with the face of diabetes
because well we basically treat desserts
like my friend Chris treats a bottle of
whiskey they’re to be destroyed I don’t
drink
which makes going out with certain
friends a bit tricky and it actually go
on Chris estado which he had in Benidorm
how many of you guys ever been to
[Applause]
Benidorm is like Narnia
if Narnia was also a retirement home for
British nationalists right is genuinely
though genuinely because I don’t drink
the whole time I was in Benidorm I was a
bit like you know that guy who goes to
Alton Towers theme park but just holds
the bugs and the courts when everyone
else goes on the rides it’s not what I
was like for this guy I watched a lot of
my friends and cousins and family
flourish in black men making big success
for themselves but there’s no more
people from black men who’s been to
prison than who work in the arts I don’t
want my niece and nephew growing up in a
Britain where the games trouble at
school because they tell the teacher
they live in a terraced house but she
hears terrorists house and calls the
damn police that’s actually happened to
someone over the last 15 years I’ve seen
the changing attitudes of people
institutions towards people who look
like me meaning I must be a spokesperson
when summer from a similar background to
me does something evil and it’s all very
well being a stand-up comedian but I
must qualified to comment on terrorism
as Manchester United fans are to comment
now a lot of people here and watching
this maybe somewhere else they won’t
recognize a lot of those life
experiences maybe it’s quite unique
perspective to them but all of those
things have happened to me living in
this country there is not one homogenous
British identity British culture an
identity is always changing sixty-five
years ago this country killed thousands
of maomao
in Kenya in gulags we all abolished
section 28 the archaic law permitted the
promotion of homosexuality in 2003 2003
and just a short 30 years ago men in
this country so it was acceptable to
have a male you know this country is
ever-changing philosophical moral
cultural evolution and revolution is at
the very core of this country’s DNA as
well as physiological so yes the lives
that some Muslims lead in Britain might
not be typically British but that does
not make us any less British the fact
that my life experiences are happening
in Britain today means they are by
default British experiences and boy
those experiences are not easy sometimes
there are genuine groups of people out
there who hate Muslims and Islam BNP
British National Party EDL English
Defence League Britain’s first the
haters and one of the reasons they give
because apparently we don’t integrate
they’ve got this conspiracy that we’re
trying to take over with our halal me
and Sharia law and muslimah Cragen’s
said genuine quote and because they
think we don’t integrate they wish we’d
left and went back to Muslim East an
again again a genuine quote ignoring the
fact that most of us were born here so
very min to go and I don’t even know
what to label this bigotry as because
when I challenge it they tell me that
Islamophobia doesn’t exist and it can’t
be racism because Islam is not a race
I guess it is just a convenient
coincidence then that 90% of Muslims in
this country happen to be brown and
black what the biggest don’t realize is
the in effect that is avalanche of
negativity has had on the Muslim psyche
I should have to work so little to come
across so much Muslim bashing every
single day but I do this sort of thing
makes people retreat and become more
insular you know what hearing and seeing
this sort of thing day in day out makes
you not want to do integrate thing is
this bigotry manifests itself manifests
itself in really weird ways I was I was
doing a stand-up gig a couple of years
ago and completely unrelated to anything
that I was saying on stage a woman from
the back of the room heckled me and she
shattered out on the top of her voice
I don’t know what she thought was gonna
happen like bacon is many things but
don’t know what she saw was happening
did she think I was the Wicked Witch of
the West
she was Dorothy in this story the bacon
with a metaphorical pail of water I’m
like oh I’m melting I’m melting
attack attack flying monkey Taliban
creatures attack no it’s not like she’s
going to Muslim majority countries and
they shout these things that I heard
they’re not relevant to her like Oh a
dignity if I had a pound for every
single time my match on tinder blocked
me when they found out I was Muslim I’d
have thirteen pounds you have to laugh
the tide man it makes me very feel like
other but here’s me top 10 University
graduate masses educated lived for ten
years in gentrified South London takes
his own Shore to the Illuma French
festival star of a BBC sitcom pretty
well-adjusted British Muslim by all
accounts and I feel like other if that’s
me
then how is a young kid growing up today
in an insular community in Bradford or
East London feeling but then I think
about other things and I remember that a
couple of years ago the end of Ramadan
coincided with the Edinburgh Fringe
Festival
so celebrating Eid away from my family
for the very first time in my life and I
felt quite lonely but then my fellow
comics my friends they took me out for
an eID meal and they bought me an eighth
cake and they sang happy is to you and
there is not a thing
but has one the sweetest memories of my
entire life and I think about my
granddad who fought for this country in
the second world war and after the war
along with thousands of other expats he
came here and helped rebuild it so how
can I not be longer and I think about my
mom my dear mom who came to this country
as a teenager with no formal education
but she made damn sure that I could read
and write well make something of myself
and I was fortunate enough to take on
pilgrimage a couple of years ago the
Hajj and Nona’s there I just thought
about all the sacrifices and hard work
but she done and she made to make sure
that could fit in in the country of my
birth so to hell with the bigots if
they’re gonna make me feel like I don’t
belong and you know what don’t maybe
Trevor Phillips is right maybe maybe we
are different you know maybe maybe we
haven’t integrated you know apart from
wearing the clothes and speaking the
language and paint lucky loads of tax
and
looking after people when they leave
pubs and clubs by feeding them in
restaurants and Taker is and taking them
home in cabs and making about
disproportionate percentage of the
frontline services of the NHS apart from
those very minor things
yeah par from that we’ve made no effort
at all and I always find it very very
interesting because I’ve studied British
history and actually going to another
country not speaking the language
forcing your customs on others sticking
to your own religion and making no
effort to integrate it’s actually the
most British thing you can do
stuff so if the big that’s alright um
you’re trying to take over the country
then actually it doesn’t get any more
British than that does it
I’m always find it really ironic that
the people who say but if you don’t like
it here why don’t you go somewhere else
they are the people who complain about
this country the most so I say to you
mr. BNP miss Britain first mr. EDL if
you don’t like it here why don’t you go
somewhere where you belong
Benidorm cuz we ain’t going nowhere
guys thank you so much for listening antes ileus good night and I love les
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