I have met a ridiculous number of
successfully miserable people I don’t
mean they’re really good at being
miserable I mean they’re successful by
pretty much anyone standards and they’re
still miserable I meet these people at
the peak of their success and they pull
me aside and share a secret they’ve
never told anyone else not even their
family and friends they have looked at
all of their achievements and their
belongings and wonder if this is all
there will ever be and they’re afraid to
move forward because they’re terrified
there’s nothing but more miserable
success waiting for them I understand
them so well because for so long I was
one of them about 10 or so years ago I
hit what I call functional rock-bottom
functional rock-bottom is when you can
go about your normal day and to other
people it looks like everything is just
fine but you know you’re barely holding
it together from the outside my life
looked perfect I was married to my high
school sweetheart
and let me tell you something about
Reggie centers he still looks good I
have two words for you dad bod
I loved him he loved me we had three
beautiful children we had a big house in
the burbs I had lots of great shoes lots
and lots and lots of great shoes he was
successful I was successful
my career was going great the kind of
great that when my husband got a
promotion I quit my job showed up in
Atlanta a major top ten TV market said
who wants me and just like that I had
two job offers one local one network I
don’t say that for you to say well this
is she fancy no I say that so that
understand I should have been feeling on
top of the world but I was miserable I
got up every morning left my great house
and went to my great job where I might
interview the president or a famous
musician I’d wear my pretty clothes put
on my pretty makeup smile and win lots
of awards I would then go home lock
myself in the bathroom sit on the floor
and cry as quietly as I could
because I didn’t want the man who had
loved me since I was 16 years old to
know what a mess I was I would cry until
I ran out of tears as I listen to that
loop in my head that told me everything
I was doing that wasn’t good enough I
had everything I had ever been told I
was supposed to want and I could not
figure out what was wrong I finally
reached a point to where no
antidepressant no margarita no killer
stilettos no award or promotion or
pretty house could fix what was missing
in my world I had everything and felt
like nothing I knew something had to
change because I couldn’t and to be
completely honest with you didn’t even
want to go on if it meant living like
that so I took every personal
development meditation and prayer class
and read every book I could access it
was kind of like Eat Pray Love except I
didn’t take any time off from work or do
much traveling I was looking for
anything that would give me some kind of
peace because if there is any benefit to
being at functional rock-bottom is that
it can make you extremely motivated what
I came to realize after years of
searching and seeking and studying was
that I didn’t know who I was oh I knew
who I thought other people wanted me to
be as a wife mother sister daughter
friend and television personality and I
was dedicated for decades to being
exactly that if I thought they wanted
perky I was the prettiest
if I thought they wanted nice nicest
whatever I thought they wanted I give
them that I was a human pretzel I’d bend
and twist into whatever shape was most
pleasing to others so I couldn’t even
answer three basic essential questions
who are you who do you want to be what
do you want to do I realized that I
wasn’t happy because I had been making
all of the decisions about what to do
with my life using other people’s values
the goals they thought were important
that meant I was investing my time and
energy into achieving goals they valued
so when I reached those goals I felt at
best fleeting satisfaction and then the
misery would return during that time of
intense self-reflection something
interesting happened once I started
being more honest with myself I started
being more honest with others and I
learned I wasn’t alone when I shared my
story during public talks members of the
audience would privately tell me they
were going through something similar
even though their lives looked great
from the outside they shared that
nagging sense of is this really all life
has to offer and they were scared to let
anyone know they weren’t happy because
who was going to believe how strange it
was that the more they had achieved the
more dissatisfied they became after
meeting so many of these successfully
miserable people and realizing they
couldn’t answer those three basic
questions either I started looking for
the reason because I was thinking this
is ridiculous it was like we were all
stuck in some kind of trap and here it
is
the trap of being successful is that the
reason you are successful is you have
figured out how to give people what they
want
right you get promotions because you
meet those targets you’re given at work
you got A’s in school because you gave
teachers the answers they wanted
when you were a child you avoided
trouble and you were told you were a
good kid because you did what what your
parents wanted you notice that your
parents like bragging to their friends
that you have won an award or that it
puts your name in the paper or on TV so
what did you do you did whatever it took
to win more Awards because you thought
that’s what your parents wanted then we
take all of those same habits into our
adult relationships where they don’t
serve us living like that will make you
crazy because those targets move every
time you deal with a different person
every time you deal with the same person
on a different day the targets move
we’re trained to live our lives
externally referencing looking outside
ourselves for direction what will make
you more consistently successful and
happy is shifting to internally
referencing getting Direction from the
one person perfectly positioned to be
the expert on what’s best for your life
you our minds develop blind spots that
can keep us from recognizing our truth
because our minds run programs based on
habit often when we ask what is best for
us the answers we come up with or what
we think we should feel based on what
our family friends or peers have told us
for years we should want but there’s a
part of you that knows your core truths
that always has the answers have you
ever experienced a situation where your
gut just knew something or someone
wasn’t good for you that’s your instinct
your truth instinct intuition your gut
call it what you want your life will be
better when you become more in touch
with it Einstein referred to intuition
as a sacred gift it’s a gift we haven’t
been taught to appreciate I’m going to
show you how to consciously tap into
on a regular basis it’s always speaking
to us we just haven’t been understanding
it because we didn’t speak the language
let’s play the happy hour or rush hour
game now when I talk about happy hour in
this context I am NOT talking about $3
drink specials or half-price dress I am
talking about your happy place that
space that makes you feel great so let’s
go there together I want you to imagine
being in your ideal place the place that
just feels good it helps if you close
your eyes when you first start doing
this and you play along
your ideal place the temperature is
perfect the environment makes you relax
it just feels good are you there once
you’re in your ideal place how do you
feel
did you just inhale did your shoulders
drop into a relaxed position my
shoulders dropping I feel something like
a like cool breeze flowing across my
skin and my chest kind of opens up and I
naturally take a deep breath that’s a
big fat yes your feeling now I want you
to imagine you’re on a six-lane highway
6:45 on a Monday morning you are late
for a meeting traffic is backed up for
miles how do you feel now shoulders
creep up chest kind of tighten breathing
become shallow my shoulders tend to
creep up and it feels like there’s a
metal band around my chest or like
there’s a baby elephant sitting on my
lungs and I cannot draw a comfortable
breath that’s a big fat No
or at least uh not now or slow your roll
cultivating this skill can keep you from
waking up years from now upset that you
spent so much of your time chasing
dreams that weren’t even yours we’ve let
other people tell us who we are and who
we should be for too long they don’t
know they have their hands full figuring
out their own mess let that end today I
want you to have the life you really
want the one that brings you joy the one
that brings you sustainable success you
deserve it you can have it choose it if
your life’s not working for you make
some adjustments it’s like the
conversations I used to have with my
husband about my shoes remember I told
you I used to live for my shoes I had
hundreds of them they were killer now
with some of them it felt like that was
a literal statement I had a lot of walk
in sit down shoes you’ve seen them pay
attention at the next dressy event you
attend you’ll see those women who walk
in no one they are looking good they
an hour later those same women are not
they’re trying to keep the pressure off
those toes an hour after that they’re
moving like this when that used to
happen to me my sweetie would look at me
I’d reply with the obvious answer duh
these shoes are sexy his reply Nissa
limpin ain’t sexy
[Laughter]
he used to work my nerves with that but
he is right too many of us are limping
through our lives thinking if it looks
good that’s all that matters
if you’re I’m gonna tell you the same
thing I now tell my friends girl if
those shoes hurt your feet take them off
if your life doesn’t feel good do
something about it you don’t have to
completely blow up the life you have
quit your job divorce your spouse put
your cat up for adoption No start with
where you are right now and make
decisions one at a time about the next
best move for you
those small adjustments are they can
make such a huge huge difference please
do this think about it keep asking the
important questions and get still long
enough to hear the answers listen to
your heart and body they are always
speaking to you always remember you are
the expert on you
so stop living based on other people’s
dreams and expectations shift your focus
to that internal confirmation that will
never lead you astray
you will live more powerfully more
confidently more successfully and most
importantly more joyfully I invite you
to join this movement that is well on
its way you will be one of the many who
are living their truth with the added
bonus that your feet won’t hurt anymore thank you
successfully miserable people I don’t
mean they’re really good at being
miserable I mean they’re successful by
pretty much anyone standards and they’re
still miserable I meet these people at
the peak of their success and they pull
me aside and share a secret they’ve
never told anyone else not even their
family and friends they have looked at
all of their achievements and their
belongings and wonder if this is all
there will ever be and they’re afraid to
move forward because they’re terrified
there’s nothing but more miserable
success waiting for them I understand
them so well because for so long I was
one of them about 10 or so years ago I
hit what I call functional rock-bottom
functional rock-bottom is when you can
go about your normal day and to other
people it looks like everything is just
fine but you know you’re barely holding
it together from the outside my life
looked perfect I was married to my high
school sweetheart
and let me tell you something about
Reggie centers he still looks good I
have two words for you dad bod
I loved him he loved me we had three
beautiful children we had a big house in
the burbs I had lots of great shoes lots
and lots and lots of great shoes he was
successful I was successful
my career was going great the kind of
great that when my husband got a
promotion I quit my job showed up in
Atlanta a major top ten TV market said
who wants me and just like that I had
two job offers one local one network I
don’t say that for you to say well this
is she fancy no I say that so that
understand I should have been feeling on
top of the world but I was miserable I
got up every morning left my great house
and went to my great job where I might
interview the president or a famous
musician I’d wear my pretty clothes put
on my pretty makeup smile and win lots
of awards I would then go home lock
myself in the bathroom sit on the floor
and cry as quietly as I could
because I didn’t want the man who had
loved me since I was 16 years old to
know what a mess I was I would cry until
I ran out of tears as I listen to that
loop in my head that told me everything
I was doing that wasn’t good enough I
had everything I had ever been told I
was supposed to want and I could not
figure out what was wrong I finally
reached a point to where no
antidepressant no margarita no killer
stilettos no award or promotion or
pretty house could fix what was missing
in my world I had everything and felt
like nothing I knew something had to
change because I couldn’t and to be
completely honest with you didn’t even
want to go on if it meant living like
that so I took every personal
development meditation and prayer class
and read every book I could access it
was kind of like Eat Pray Love except I
didn’t take any time off from work or do
much traveling I was looking for
anything that would give me some kind of
peace because if there is any benefit to
being at functional rock-bottom is that
it can make you extremely motivated what
I came to realize after years of
searching and seeking and studying was
that I didn’t know who I was oh I knew
who I thought other people wanted me to
be as a wife mother sister daughter
friend and television personality and I
was dedicated for decades to being
exactly that if I thought they wanted
perky I was the prettiest
if I thought they wanted nice nicest
whatever I thought they wanted I give
them that I was a human pretzel I’d bend
and twist into whatever shape was most
pleasing to others so I couldn’t even
answer three basic essential questions
who are you who do you want to be what
do you want to do I realized that I
wasn’t happy because I had been making
all of the decisions about what to do
with my life using other people’s values
the goals they thought were important
that meant I was investing my time and
energy into achieving goals they valued
so when I reached those goals I felt at
best fleeting satisfaction and then the
misery would return during that time of
intense self-reflection something
interesting happened once I started
being more honest with myself I started
being more honest with others and I
learned I wasn’t alone when I shared my
story during public talks members of the
audience would privately tell me they
were going through something similar
even though their lives looked great
from the outside they shared that
nagging sense of is this really all life
has to offer and they were scared to let
anyone know they weren’t happy because
who was going to believe how strange it
was that the more they had achieved the
more dissatisfied they became after
meeting so many of these successfully
miserable people and realizing they
couldn’t answer those three basic
questions either I started looking for
the reason because I was thinking this
is ridiculous it was like we were all
stuck in some kind of trap and here it
is
the trap of being successful is that the
reason you are successful is you have
figured out how to give people what they
want
right you get promotions because you
meet those targets you’re given at work
you got A’s in school because you gave
teachers the answers they wanted
when you were a child you avoided
trouble and you were told you were a
good kid because you did what what your
parents wanted you notice that your
parents like bragging to their friends
that you have won an award or that it
puts your name in the paper or on TV so
what did you do you did whatever it took
to win more Awards because you thought
that’s what your parents wanted then we
take all of those same habits into our
adult relationships where they don’t
serve us living like that will make you
crazy because those targets move every
time you deal with a different person
every time you deal with the same person
on a different day the targets move
we’re trained to live our lives
externally referencing looking outside
ourselves for direction what will make
you more consistently successful and
happy is shifting to internally
referencing getting Direction from the
one person perfectly positioned to be
the expert on what’s best for your life
you our minds develop blind spots that
can keep us from recognizing our truth
because our minds run programs based on
habit often when we ask what is best for
us the answers we come up with or what
we think we should feel based on what
our family friends or peers have told us
for years we should want but there’s a
part of you that knows your core truths
that always has the answers have you
ever experienced a situation where your
gut just knew something or someone
wasn’t good for you that’s your instinct
your truth instinct intuition your gut
call it what you want your life will be
better when you become more in touch
with it Einstein referred to intuition
as a sacred gift it’s a gift we haven’t
been taught to appreciate I’m going to
show you how to consciously tap into
on a regular basis it’s always speaking
to us we just haven’t been understanding
it because we didn’t speak the language
let’s play the happy hour or rush hour
game now when I talk about happy hour in
this context I am NOT talking about $3
drink specials or half-price dress I am
talking about your happy place that
space that makes you feel great so let’s
go there together I want you to imagine
being in your ideal place the place that
just feels good it helps if you close
your eyes when you first start doing
this and you play along
your ideal place the temperature is
perfect the environment makes you relax
it just feels good are you there once
you’re in your ideal place how do you
feel
did you just inhale did your shoulders
drop into a relaxed position my
shoulders dropping I feel something like
a like cool breeze flowing across my
skin and my chest kind of opens up and I
naturally take a deep breath that’s a
big fat yes your feeling now I want you
to imagine you’re on a six-lane highway
6:45 on a Monday morning you are late
for a meeting traffic is backed up for
miles how do you feel now shoulders
creep up chest kind of tighten breathing
become shallow my shoulders tend to
creep up and it feels like there’s a
metal band around my chest or like
there’s a baby elephant sitting on my
lungs and I cannot draw a comfortable
breath that’s a big fat No
or at least uh not now or slow your roll
cultivating this skill can keep you from
waking up years from now upset that you
spent so much of your time chasing
dreams that weren’t even yours we’ve let
other people tell us who we are and who
we should be for too long they don’t
know they have their hands full figuring
out their own mess let that end today I
want you to have the life you really
want the one that brings you joy the one
that brings you sustainable success you
deserve it you can have it choose it if
your life’s not working for you make
some adjustments it’s like the
conversations I used to have with my
husband about my shoes remember I told
you I used to live for my shoes I had
hundreds of them they were killer now
with some of them it felt like that was
a literal statement I had a lot of walk
in sit down shoes you’ve seen them pay
attention at the next dressy event you
attend you’ll see those women who walk
in no one they are looking good they
an hour later those same women are not
they’re trying to keep the pressure off
those toes an hour after that they’re
moving like this when that used to
happen to me my sweetie would look at me
I’d reply with the obvious answer duh
these shoes are sexy his reply Nissa
limpin ain’t sexy
[Laughter]
he used to work my nerves with that but
he is right too many of us are limping
through our lives thinking if it looks
good that’s all that matters
if you’re I’m gonna tell you the same
thing I now tell my friends girl if
those shoes hurt your feet take them off
if your life doesn’t feel good do
something about it you don’t have to
completely blow up the life you have
quit your job divorce your spouse put
your cat up for adoption No start with
where you are right now and make
decisions one at a time about the next
best move for you
those small adjustments are they can
make such a huge huge difference please
do this think about it keep asking the
important questions and get still long
enough to hear the answers listen to
your heart and body they are always
speaking to you always remember you are
the expert on you
so stop living based on other people’s
dreams and expectations shift your focus
to that internal confirmation that will
never lead you astray
you will live more powerfully more
confidently more successfully and most
importantly more joyfully I invite you
to join this movement that is well on
its way you will be one of the many who
are living their truth with the added
bonus that your feet won’t hurt anymore thank you
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