I don’t remember the exact day it
started it was probably a humid day the
summer before second grade began walking
my dog alongside my mother around the
cul-de-sac of my house it’s on my memory
fails me usually but when I think back
to the summers of 2009 I can feel my
face turn white as I dropped to my knees
and scream into the asphalt I could hear
the silence that engulfed me that day
when I felt the emotional disconnect
from the faces that surrounded me for my
whole life I questioned the reliability
of my own thoughts when the cope when
the notion of I was a duality Laura was
separate from the third-person narrator
that was experiencing these feelings I
had transcended myself and become not
only an observer of reality but an
observer of myself the summer days
continue to haunt me my home and my
cul-de-sac publics
and University Drive any place where I
first enjoyed this twisted enlightenment
are all constant reminder of the
confusion and desperation that that
deafened my senses on those summer
afternoons depersonalization is not only
a symptom of panic attacks but it can
also be its own separate disorder
triggered by severe trauma
depersonalization disorder is on the
spectrum of dissociative disorders which
are conditions that involve disruptions
or breakdowns in memory awareness
identity or perception those who have
experienced depersonalization say they
feel like they are living in a dream or
a movie with depersonalization it’s
common to experience intrusive thoughts
usually dealing with the essence of
reality and existence during an episode
depersonalization is a defense mechanism
to separate a traumatic reality from the
person experiencing it that in turn
results in further terrorizing
experiences I can’t tell you why I have
these experiences the eight
psychologists I’ve been to over the past
decade
haven’t been able to psychoanalyze me
well enough to figure that out either
let alone accurately diagnosed me with
depersonalization disorder before I even
knew what I was experiencing were panic
attacks my primary care physician
thought I was having seizures and
promptly referred me to a neurologist at
eight years old I was walking around
fourth grade homeroom with with brain
electrodes coming out of my head to
monitor my brain functions when nothing
out of the ordinary was found there I
was told to get an MRI coincidentally as
I entered the loud scary cylinder the
familiar feelings of depersonalization
and panic crept up on me once again when
the neurologists pediatricians MRI scan
and brain electrodes could not determine
what terrible thing was causing me to
fall to the ground screaming my family
and I took our last stride and we went
to a psychologist after listening to me
explain my symptoms for five minutes she
flipped through the dsm-5 and read the
symptoms of panic attacks aloud to me
fear of losing control our going crazy
fear of dying and feelings of unreality
stood up the most to me after that day I
can’t say I truly believed I had panic
attacks well a part of me felt satisfied
with this diagnosis another part of my
terror felt invalidated and ignored even
with her mentioning of feelings of
unreality my episodes encapsulated much
more than just feeling unreal I was
feeling unreal all of the time and
unreal was only a part of it the
breathing exercises prescribed to me by
my therapists never helped relax me
being alone in my head without any
distraction only furthered my symptoms
of spacing out as I got older I was able
to accurately diagnose myself with
having depersonalization disorder
however this was after six years of
suffering invalidation and trauma that
could have been prevented if not for the
insufficiency of the mental health
profession the first time I found the
word depersonalization was around
seventh grade only four and a half short
years ago youtubers like harris
harrington and various depersonalization
forums online helps me feel less alone
in my suffering
reading the experience of others and
finding out that other people were going
through the same exact thing as I was
after thinking I was living in a
purgatory between life and death for the
previous five years was single-handedly
the most comforting feeling I have ever
experienced
till this day I still have panic attacks
I still feel depersonalized the majority
of the time I’m still forced to operate
in a town and home in which I have
endured years of childhood trauma that
subsequently triggers my
depersonalization and panic attacks
further but I’m hopeful I’m sixteen and
in one and a half short years I will be
at a small liberal arts school in the
Northeast studying journalism and
writing about gender and sexuality while
my experiences with depersonalization
have definitely caused me to think about
existential topics that kids at seven
years old should not be thinking about
the last thing I would want anyone to
take away from this is that
depersonalization is some romantic
intellectual experience that is the goal
for those achieving spiritual
transcendence depersonalization is the
outcome of repressed trauma and
unmanageable anxiety not the outcome of
heightened spiritual awareness but while
this is true I wouldn’t be the same
person I am today if it wasn’t for my
panic attacks and depersonalization I
wouldn’t be as strong as I am today I
wouldn’t be as funny as I am today I
wouldn’t be as analytical as I am today
and whether that’s a good or a bad thing
I’m not sure yes I would I would feel
much happier if I wasn’t depersonalized
and if I had not gone through what I had
gone through but I also wouldn’t be me and I really like me a lot
started it was probably a humid day the
summer before second grade began walking
my dog alongside my mother around the
cul-de-sac of my house it’s on my memory
fails me usually but when I think back
to the summers of 2009 I can feel my
face turn white as I dropped to my knees
and scream into the asphalt I could hear
the silence that engulfed me that day
when I felt the emotional disconnect
from the faces that surrounded me for my
whole life I questioned the reliability
of my own thoughts when the cope when
the notion of I was a duality Laura was
separate from the third-person narrator
that was experiencing these feelings I
had transcended myself and become not
only an observer of reality but an
observer of myself the summer days
continue to haunt me my home and my
cul-de-sac publics
and University Drive any place where I
first enjoyed this twisted enlightenment
are all constant reminder of the
confusion and desperation that that
deafened my senses on those summer
afternoons depersonalization is not only
a symptom of panic attacks but it can
also be its own separate disorder
triggered by severe trauma
depersonalization disorder is on the
spectrum of dissociative disorders which
are conditions that involve disruptions
or breakdowns in memory awareness
identity or perception those who have
experienced depersonalization say they
feel like they are living in a dream or
a movie with depersonalization it’s
common to experience intrusive thoughts
usually dealing with the essence of
reality and existence during an episode
depersonalization is a defense mechanism
to separate a traumatic reality from the
person experiencing it that in turn
results in further terrorizing
experiences I can’t tell you why I have
these experiences the eight
psychologists I’ve been to over the past
decade
haven’t been able to psychoanalyze me
well enough to figure that out either
let alone accurately diagnosed me with
depersonalization disorder before I even
knew what I was experiencing were panic
attacks my primary care physician
thought I was having seizures and
promptly referred me to a neurologist at
eight years old I was walking around
fourth grade homeroom with with brain
electrodes coming out of my head to
monitor my brain functions when nothing
out of the ordinary was found there I
was told to get an MRI coincidentally as
I entered the loud scary cylinder the
familiar feelings of depersonalization
and panic crept up on me once again when
the neurologists pediatricians MRI scan
and brain electrodes could not determine
what terrible thing was causing me to
fall to the ground screaming my family
and I took our last stride and we went
to a psychologist after listening to me
explain my symptoms for five minutes she
flipped through the dsm-5 and read the
symptoms of panic attacks aloud to me
fear of losing control our going crazy
fear of dying and feelings of unreality
stood up the most to me after that day I
can’t say I truly believed I had panic
attacks well a part of me felt satisfied
with this diagnosis another part of my
terror felt invalidated and ignored even
with her mentioning of feelings of
unreality my episodes encapsulated much
more than just feeling unreal I was
feeling unreal all of the time and
unreal was only a part of it the
breathing exercises prescribed to me by
my therapists never helped relax me
being alone in my head without any
distraction only furthered my symptoms
of spacing out as I got older I was able
to accurately diagnose myself with
having depersonalization disorder
however this was after six years of
suffering invalidation and trauma that
could have been prevented if not for the
insufficiency of the mental health
profession the first time I found the
word depersonalization was around
seventh grade only four and a half short
years ago youtubers like harris
harrington and various depersonalization
forums online helps me feel less alone
in my suffering
reading the experience of others and
finding out that other people were going
through the same exact thing as I was
after thinking I was living in a
purgatory between life and death for the
previous five years was single-handedly
the most comforting feeling I have ever
experienced
till this day I still have panic attacks
I still feel depersonalized the majority
of the time I’m still forced to operate
in a town and home in which I have
endured years of childhood trauma that
subsequently triggers my
depersonalization and panic attacks
further but I’m hopeful I’m sixteen and
in one and a half short years I will be
at a small liberal arts school in the
Northeast studying journalism and
writing about gender and sexuality while
my experiences with depersonalization
have definitely caused me to think about
existential topics that kids at seven
years old should not be thinking about
the last thing I would want anyone to
take away from this is that
depersonalization is some romantic
intellectual experience that is the goal
for those achieving spiritual
transcendence depersonalization is the
outcome of repressed trauma and
unmanageable anxiety not the outcome of
heightened spiritual awareness but while
this is true I wouldn’t be the same
person I am today if it wasn’t for my
panic attacks and depersonalization I
wouldn’t be as strong as I am today I
wouldn’t be as funny as I am today I
wouldn’t be as analytical as I am today
and whether that’s a good or a bad thing
I’m not sure yes I would I would feel
much happier if I wasn’t depersonalized
and if I had not gone through what I had
gone through but I also wouldn’t be me and I really like me a lot
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