[Laughter]
my mom died at 54 from breast cancer
six months later my 24 year old sister
also died her children aged five and a
baby 14 months came to live with us we
became a family of six a battle began to
protect the boys from my sister’s
abusive partner and in 2016 our house
burnt to the ground this year I was
diagnosed and treated for cancer the
quotes and cliches that fill my world
continually tell me to turn my frown
upside down and that I’ll never be sent
more than I can handle but that’s not my
experience the day my mom died I laid
and hugged her told her stories and
apologized for being an awful teenager
who gave her hell mum it’s okay I can do
this life without you you’ve made me
strong but as the warmth of life left
her body I realized I’d made a terrible
mistake
there was no way I was ready and I
wasn’t going to be okay
I held her so tightly willing the heat
of my body to bring her back I entered a
tunnel that day there was no going back
unlike my mum’s death my sister’s was
sudden and I wasn’t with her I lay awake
agonizing about how cold she must be
feeling as she lay in that morgue when I
finally did get to see her I made her
promise that I would love care for and
forever protect her voice that they
would become our sons
I was stuck in that tunnel no light no
Direction positivity mantras myths and
people turning tragedy into change
dominate the media and they model the
way that they think we should handle our
grief and loss but my question is what
happens to those of us who don’t feel
strong enough rich enough good enough
tragic enough I was left feeling
confused alone and hopeless through deep
guttural sobs I remember asking friends
why can’t I be like those other people
raise money as I climb Mount Kilimanjaro
or walk the Kokoda trail set up a
charity in honor of my mom and sister
and just get through this pain the speed
at which we move through grief and loss
its variable its relative unpredictable
and profoundly personal the physics of
my grief comes in waves it’s a tsunami
of energy that pushes pulls and then
dumps me and then one day there’s a tug
on my pants an innocent little boy
Jessie looks deeply into my eyes and
says can I have a Jimmy might sandwich I
made him that Vegemite sandwich because
he needed me
the seemingly mundane can act as a
trigger to help us move forward but it’s
the people connection community a
mundane moment a little boy named Jesse
who provides us with hope hope is a
place you can get to and you can also
lose sight off a call in July 2016 told
me to come home now I arrived to twelve
cars six fire tankers two police cars
one ambulance and a valley full of smoke
the house was gone and we were all alive
and my response was to vomit in the
garden not that elegantly either
receiving help was difficult and in that
moment as we stood there we felt like
we’d lost everything and then our
community turned up and let me tell you
we had cook-off in the past for mum we
judged best lasagna in show for my
sister region’s best quiche and our
family will forever remember the house
fire as the world curry festival we were
housed clothed and fed in a flash
receiving that help was difficult asking
for help was excruciating admitting that
I wasn’t coping was torturous
I felt I was failing and I spent a lot
of time comparing my grief to the images
and experiences of others my story isn’t
unique and there is certainly nothing
special about me grief and loss is still
a social taboo and it can feel more like
being a contestant in Survivor than
experiencing what is actually a
fundamental part of our life cycle true
acceptance of grief and loss means that
we understand it is an individual
journey that is true but it’s one that
we don’t need to do alone the tunnel for
me has been long dark and incredibly
challenging but as I make my way through
I now know that comparing our
experiences of grief and loss for me
adds no value it’s the people the
community and the connections that gives
me hope provides me with the momentum to
move forward grief and loss have given
me gifts for life being a mother
sometimes not a very good one being a
mother to four beautiful children
continuing a family legacy and knowing
that I have loved and I’ve been loved my
idea is simple it’s doable and it’s
necessary we need to contribute to the
conversation understand that grief isn’t
linear doesn’t involve stages or end in
closure understand that when we receive
the service of others it doesn’t make us
weak or a failure help each other
understand that rediscovering how
it is a personal journey but when we
come together as a community we help
with the human experience of healing
hope is central to our community’s
survival community is central to our
healthy survival thank you
[Applause]
my mom died at 54 from breast cancer
six months later my 24 year old sister
also died her children aged five and a
baby 14 months came to live with us we
became a family of six a battle began to
protect the boys from my sister’s
abusive partner and in 2016 our house
burnt to the ground this year I was
diagnosed and treated for cancer the
quotes and cliches that fill my world
continually tell me to turn my frown
upside down and that I’ll never be sent
more than I can handle but that’s not my
experience the day my mom died I laid
and hugged her told her stories and
apologized for being an awful teenager
who gave her hell mum it’s okay I can do
this life without you you’ve made me
strong but as the warmth of life left
her body I realized I’d made a terrible
mistake
there was no way I was ready and I
wasn’t going to be okay
I held her so tightly willing the heat
of my body to bring her back I entered a
tunnel that day there was no going back
unlike my mum’s death my sister’s was
sudden and I wasn’t with her I lay awake
agonizing about how cold she must be
feeling as she lay in that morgue when I
finally did get to see her I made her
promise that I would love care for and
forever protect her voice that they
would become our sons
I was stuck in that tunnel no light no
Direction positivity mantras myths and
people turning tragedy into change
dominate the media and they model the
way that they think we should handle our
grief and loss but my question is what
happens to those of us who don’t feel
strong enough rich enough good enough
tragic enough I was left feeling
confused alone and hopeless through deep
guttural sobs I remember asking friends
why can’t I be like those other people
raise money as I climb Mount Kilimanjaro
or walk the Kokoda trail set up a
charity in honor of my mom and sister
and just get through this pain the speed
at which we move through grief and loss
its variable its relative unpredictable
and profoundly personal the physics of
my grief comes in waves it’s a tsunami
of energy that pushes pulls and then
dumps me and then one day there’s a tug
on my pants an innocent little boy
Jessie looks deeply into my eyes and
says can I have a Jimmy might sandwich I
made him that Vegemite sandwich because
he needed me
the seemingly mundane can act as a
trigger to help us move forward but it’s
the people connection community a
mundane moment a little boy named Jesse
who provides us with hope hope is a
place you can get to and you can also
lose sight off a call in July 2016 told
me to come home now I arrived to twelve
cars six fire tankers two police cars
one ambulance and a valley full of smoke
the house was gone and we were all alive
and my response was to vomit in the
garden not that elegantly either
receiving help was difficult and in that
moment as we stood there we felt like
we’d lost everything and then our
community turned up and let me tell you
we had cook-off in the past for mum we
judged best lasagna in show for my
sister region’s best quiche and our
family will forever remember the house
fire as the world curry festival we were
housed clothed and fed in a flash
receiving that help was difficult asking
for help was excruciating admitting that
I wasn’t coping was torturous
I felt I was failing and I spent a lot
of time comparing my grief to the images
and experiences of others my story isn’t
unique and there is certainly nothing
special about me grief and loss is still
a social taboo and it can feel more like
being a contestant in Survivor than
experiencing what is actually a
fundamental part of our life cycle true
acceptance of grief and loss means that
we understand it is an individual
journey that is true but it’s one that
we don’t need to do alone the tunnel for
me has been long dark and incredibly
challenging but as I make my way through
I now know that comparing our
experiences of grief and loss for me
adds no value it’s the people the
community and the connections that gives
me hope provides me with the momentum to
move forward grief and loss have given
me gifts for life being a mother
sometimes not a very good one being a
mother to four beautiful children
continuing a family legacy and knowing
that I have loved and I’ve been loved my
idea is simple it’s doable and it’s
necessary we need to contribute to the
conversation understand that grief isn’t
linear doesn’t involve stages or end in
closure understand that when we receive
the service of others it doesn’t make us
weak or a failure help each other
understand that rediscovering how
it is a personal journey but when we
come together as a community we help
with the human experience of healing
hope is central to our community’s
survival community is central to our
healthy survival thank you
[Applause]
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