is a bit of a confessional for me I’m a
wife I’m a mom I’m a nurse and oh yeah
I’m turning 50 this year if you were to
ask me to describe my professional self
I would tell you I’m a palliative care
nurse this despite the fact that I’ve
been away from the bedside for nearly
two years I’ve worked both in the
community and in the hospital setting
palliative care is where my heart lies
it’s where I feel most at home as a
nurse and it’s probably where I’ve done
my best work if you don’t know what
palliative care means it means I chose
to specialize with working with the
dying the patients I’ve worked with what
they’ve taught me more than any textbook
could ever impart these patients they
raised me as a nurse three years after I
graduated someone I thought I knew
someone I’d gone to high school with
someone I found myself working alongside
of died Carolyn died suddenly and she
died tragically she wasn’t a palliative
care patient
Carolyn died at the hands of a drunk
driver her death was a seminal moment in
my life so I decided to call this
presentation lessons from the dying so
why did Carolyn’s death have such an
impact on me why do I still think about
her after all these years I guess I took
a snapshot of her I compared her to
Carolyn was quiet I’m loud Carolyn was
shy I am NOT Carolyn appeared to settle
I have always pushed myself someone call
me driven
I probably still AM I wondered how
Caroline could be satisfied with her
life I was arrogant I was later to find
out that she was humble when Carolyn
died she was newly engaged she and her
fiance were celebrating and they were
riding on his motorcycle when they were
struck he died at the scene she died on
the ferry on the way back to Kingston
all of us who worked with her we were
devastated I think we all went to her
funeral Carolyn was 24 years old I
thought I knew her I didn’t I learned
during the church service that she
volunteered with the homeless and the
disenfranchised
she’s been on missions trips she was a
prolific poet she advocated for the
broken and people who had less in this
world than herself Carolyn had added to
her community she’d made a difference to
friends and strangers if I were honest I
don’t know what if anything had added to
my community other than my excellent
sense of humor lesson number one do you
know yourself Carolyn and the death of
many of my patients taught me the value
of self-reflection you have to be honest
with yourself before you can be honest
with others I took a look into my
cerebral mirror and I didn’t like who
was looking back now before you think
I’m telling you I was a terrible person
I don’t think I was a terrible person
yes I was selfish and I was
self-absorbed but I think a lot of 24
year-olds a lot of people in their 20s
are selfish and self-absorbed my
self-reflection started with me looking
at my strengths and my weaknesses I had
to accept where I was but it Shawn the
light for where I wanted to go I learned
I can and should learn from others
rather than try and beat or be better
than everybody else
I needed to take stock of my life and
then determine what I wanted to make up
I’ve learned to surround myself with
people who have the skills that I lack
and hopefully I’ll learn from them life
is not a competition life is not trying
to hide your flaws and your faults and
pretending to be something that you’re
not so that you look better compared to
somebody else
life is about striving to be better not
materialistically but in ways that add
to and don’t take away from our time
here it is because of Carolyn that I do
a self-check from time to time
I’m not yet the person I strive to be I
probably never will be but I hope I’m a
better person than when Carolyn knew me
I have a question for you
if you died tomorrow did you make a
difference Gary was one of my first
patients his wife and him welcomed me
into their home they enjoyed my energy
my youth my quick wit I had the
privilege of witnessing his spiritual
emotional and physical struggles they
had nothing from me they were bare
before me Gary would tell me about his
wife’s accomplishments he was proud of
her his wife would tell me about his
skill as a lecturer and his secret
passion for art their walls were covered
with his drawings and paintings their
rooms were bright and vibrant long
before those impact and feature walls
they would sometimes get frustrated with
each other but who doesn’t they always
found a way to show or tell that they
forgave their house was filled with love
I don’t remember when there wasn’t a
gentle touch a word a glance that showed
what they meant to each other on the day
that Gary died his wife owned me I was
off she asked me to come
so I went it was grade a URI had not
been responsive for many days we were
truly into comfort care I was bathing
him when he stopped breathing I expect
him to come back I said we all needed to
say goodbye he took in at breath his
wife his son’s priest me we were all in
the room he opened his eyes he looked at
each one of us and then he turned and he
looked at across he had designed the Sun
broke through the clouds she smiled and
then he was gone I was forever changed
in that moment I knew I chosen the right
career as doing the right thing and that
I could make a difference Gary’s death
was the seminal moment of my nursing
life
Gary’s gift to me was his legacy of love
he taught me the love is real and it is
tangible he also taught me about the
power of forgiveness when we forgive it
releases us it’s a lesson number two
your words and actions matter saying I
love you is important showing I love you
and I care is just as important it
sounds corny but there isn’t a day that
goes by that I don’t try and show and
tell my family what they mean to me and
I haven’t kept it to just my family
either strangers friends I try and say
words like thank you
I try and acknowledge people show that
they mean something to me that they have
value I appreciate them we are so
dismissive Curt it takes very little
energy to be kind but for the recipient
it means every
on the flip side are the harsh and angry
words that we share they can bring pain
and great division gary taught me that
when we forgive we allow both parties to
move forward as hard as it feels
there’s a hashtag there Becca Scofield
is a teenager who lives in New Brunswick
you may have heard her she’d look her up
she’s dying from some form of brain
cancer when she found out she was no
longer responding to treatment she
turned to social media and she asked
that people would do a random act of
kindness and posted on that hashtag
well those acts of kindness have
continued from Australia to Uruguay her
parents say it brings them comfort to
see these messages they’re preparing to
lose a child Becca has made a difference
she has a legacy question for you what
do your words and actions say about you
as a person Lorna was a beautiful lady
she came from a large family she had
many many friends she worked hard her
whole life so that when she retired she
could enjoy the fruits of her labor she
was hopeful when she was diagnosed she
was in her 60s and she was fit together
she and her husband planned the trip of
a lifetime
I met Lorna when she was admitted for
symptom control she was no longer
responding to treatments she was weak
and emaciated the trip had to be
canceled there was grief it was anger
there was denial over the next six
months I watched as Lauren is slowly
declined
at first she tried to cram in every
friend every acquaintance she touched so
many people they wanted to spend time
with her her quiet time was at night or
when the nurses came in to provide care
she had asked me to slow down she said
she needed a break from the frenetic
pace that she found so exhausting she
didn’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings
her family finally had to intervene
during the last month of her life she
spent the time with the people that she
loved the most in the world there were
mass bed cuddles and I admit I joined in
more than one of them there were
sleepovers there were movie nights there
was storytelling there was reminiscing
there was a lot of laughter her
daughters made sure her hair was perfect
and her makeup was immaculate on the day
that lorna died she was meticulous lorna
taught me that despite our best plans
and intentions we need to make sure that
lesson number three sometimes there are
no leaders as a society we speed-date
our friends we speed date our family we
push things off until later we text we
have quick chats we focus on quantity
and we forget all about the quality we
need to slow down this last lesson it
encompasses the other two when there are
no leaders on the horizons we need to do
more than just exist we need to take the
opportunities to be kind to each other
we need to make sure that we’re
observing what’s going on around it’s
not just focusing on our screens and on
ourselves I don’t know if I’m going to
be the person I want to be and I don’t
know if I’m gonna have the time to say
or do the things I want or should do I
need to plan but I don’t know what my
future is I need to think about my
future but I need to make sure I’m
living well now so I have to ask you do
you have any laters that if you could do
them again they would be nows do you
have any laters that have turned into
Nevers because I do my introduction to
palliative care was by serendipity I was
looking for job security I had no
knowledge of the field no training
whatsoever I needed a job I needed money
palliative care forever changed me it’s
changed how I interact with my family
and my friends it’s made me question my
values and my beliefs there isn’t a day
that goes by that I don’t try and apply
one of these lessons so I want to finish
where I started I don’t think you have
to work in palliative care to apply the
lessons I’ve learned palliative care
always ends in death the death is
individual every patient has changed and
informed me in a different way hopefully
for the better so I want to leave you
with this last thought I want to ask you
reflect on your life and ask yourself
how am i living thank you [Applause]