Meiyappan save the lab for last now in
my experience as a psychologist love is
one of the reasons why people seek
counseling services love drives us to to
sacrifice ourselves love drives us to
kill ourselves love drives us to kill
other people love can build temples in
even United Nations love can make us
instant poets in in a second we can do
hashtag who got lines right and love is
a reason why we have late night in
newman sessions my graduate research
thesis init na was about love in the
first time when we are asked to do a
thesis i knew that i was going to do
love and when i talk to this about my
friends and to my colleagues they were
they were saying love sure do can you
spin can assume one teacher in acuña
but in the end um they would whisper a
no-knock warrants a result sir if your
pick up during even good story but first
2222 my passion a psychologist we love
asking questions so let me ask this
question first which face comes closest
to how you feel about your love life is
it a 1 a 4 a 6 or a 7 minutes comes a 7
or broken hearted then Walt and good see
ya hands up can you show your figures 1
then on 470 north we live in an arch
haha so if it is a five six or seven
hopefully this talk will make you become
better lovers in the future or have is
it a 1 2 or 3 i’m hopefully it will
confirm that what you are doing is right
hey but love is a very personal topic to
me because growing up I thought that
love I had an impression that I love
differently now for those people who do
not know me too well and if my tie is
not yet giving out the the reason I like
men hey I get attracted to men I fall in
love with men I stay in committed
relationships with men and going up I
thought that my love is not normal my
love is immoral my love is sinful my
love always end up in in tragic endings
and and and research have shown that
Filipino people view really view gay and
lesbian lesbian relationships to be like
this so I asked just like a true
psychologist I research I asked gay and
lesbian couples if they fall in love and
how if they stay in long-term
relationships and the result shows next
piece that Filipino gay men and lesbian
women he form deep emotional attachments
they maintain and stay in long-term
relationships and their
satisfied with their relationships
similar to heterosexual couples I had I
had friends who are 13 years together
and had one lesbian participant who were
who are 21 years together and when we
translate that in gay relationship ears
we multiply it by three because we
suffer more stigma discrimination and
there’s no support in the family or
friends or even the country so for my
gay friends there are 13 years together
x 3 that is 39 gay relationship years
for this lesbian couple 21 years hey x 3
that’s actually 63 gay relationship
years isn’t that amazing right so it
works it really works but my question
was how did they maintain the
relationship hey so my research my
thesis was actually about conflict
resolution strategies and how couples
fight now and in my research I found out
that gay men actually use more positive
problem-solving skills compared to their
heterosexual counterparts isn’t that
amazing hey now my knowledge of conflict
resolution strategies got tested a year
after I finish writing my thesis from
Manila at the nail I went back here in
Cebu and I met Linda Carlos Linden
Carlos
[Applause]
okay I have 18 minutes to do this Linden
carless is my boyfriend my partner my
significant other and my Reese my
personal research love laboratory and
this is the first picture I saw of him
and my belief system when I saw this
picture in facebook while pretty boy
Tycho felony Tom see pretty boy belong
well any data type and geeky jobs like
me no pero I’m a lucky man and I’m a
worthy man geeky chops Paula untied me
pretty boy Linda deny fight a lot we
fight about unmet expectations we fight
about attention we fight about our
facial expressions and we also fight
about the places to eat no I said Tom
allowed restaurant e equaling bahala Oct
areata restaurant e I meralco I you
restaurant be I can sum up menia
restaurant see Ike warm in the oven and
that are gone dominating me never a
beautiful visa and whenever we have a
conflict and this is a the conflict
resolution strategy that I’ve been
struggling over the years now every time
you have a heated argument I stand up
and I run away next please hey um I use
this research I use this conflict
resolution strategies in the early parts
of our relationship and a heated
argument I stand up and literally run
away I remember one time we were having
dinner with friends and um we were
clearly having an argument I stood up
left him behind and my friends were shot
whereas he was embarrassed wait and over
the years I realized that this was not
helping the relationship hey I was
hurting him I was sending a message that
of abandonment and rejection he did say
he did ask me to not do it again and yes
I’m very proud of it over the years it
lessened in frequency in fact I don’t
even remember when was the last time I
now Linden’s favorite arm next please
Linden’s favorite a conflict resolution
strategy is tuning out okay whenever we
have a discussion he would just put a
wall between us and it makes me crazy I
asked but he did not want to answer
anything hey but over the years he
learned how because you know I learned
how to express my needs he also learned
how to to reciprocate that expression of
need he he would answer he would he
would not he would paraphrase what I was
seeing and at the same time would touch
my hand or even call my name and that
really liked my heart hey so the first
lesson really is a processor that I’m
going to share to you is learn how to
fight well but away move barrow but our
way up our own hey there is a saying
that Lex please a smooth sea never made
a scale for sailor we need to be we need
to embrace conflict in our relationship
because really relationship is dirty
it’s effortful there are a lot of things
in between it’s uncertain there is no
formula there is no recipe for a
relationship so we need to embrace armed
conflict in our relation now we need to
learn how to fight and we need to learn
how to fight well instead of flight
running away along the years I learned
how to park arguments and change topics
when we are in a heated argument I
learned also to soothe myself okay and I
learned also to express my need okay now
God man one of the relationship experts
in the u.s. said that learning how to
fight well is not enough that’s only
fifty percent of the formula the other
half is to repair your relationship
whenever you have a fight you repair it
and when he studied 700 couples he
interviewed these couples and 15 minutes
he would notice the couples who would
break up
and the couples who would live forever
and he noticed that the couples who live
forever happily now use this
relationship skill he he says I repair
at em hey what is this repair attempt
repair attempt is any statement or
action that prevents negativity from
escalating out of control during
conflict hey our first travel abroad was
in Hong Kong and next please ah and it
was a time of Occupy Hong Kong Central
and it was a busy busy street and we
were walking and dining in Mong Kok and
Holden be and what happened we had a
fight and guess what I ran away in Hong
Kong without an international phone but
good thing Weiss Keisha he stayed where
he was no and I returned back and when I
returned back and I’m gonna walk tongue
me duty to sell for Mossad up on Holly
and when I returned Nick a towel and
shot okely anyone fucking whenever a
packet delivery on ionno Google pocket
but in the end we stood up we walk
around Montauk and we shop away as if
nothing really happened okay most of our
arguments Willie is inside the car and
kwanzaa Putin cosas potenza no Canelo go
pack a leaky ligna hui sagina and on OK
ROCK are knocking I’m difficult ekdum I
or holding hands next please that is I
repair attempt a next please so what are
other examples of repair attempts taking
a break during fight parking the heated
topic and changing it to a less serious
topic being affectionate even if both of
you are disagreeing and the use of
endearment during fight ok now these
repair attempts these gestures of
reassurance and love put a break to the
impending flood of negativity that can
hijack the couple who are arguing which
in turn paralyzes the positive
problem-solving discussion in their
conflict but godman’s added that it is
not only making repair that’s important
it’s also receiving repair a thus my
lesson number two is to make repair and
receive repair hey what does that mean
with a capacity interviewed the
emotionally intelligent couples did not
determine tamannaah creative Allah Moana
repairs but what does the most important
thing was that the repair was received
by the partner hey so in my agenda ba
the smiles on Epoque Paris Angus Nibhana
no or a pogrom o holy and hunt apostle
and eatonton then we would be a disaster
couple oh so this is a very example of
palembang is a perfect example of
repairing and receiving repair right but
glam big that’s very pinoy and in fact
in my thesis I actually have a
mathematical diagram for this one
because in life mostly all you can do in
love is repair how you
good up hey that’s from one of the
things that I saw ok now but it does not
end there hey forgot man relationships
are based on friendship happy couples
happy relationships are based on deep
friendship so with Linden I know up to
be able to be a friend it means that you
know the dislikes the likes and then the
quirks no I know that Linden is very
busy I’m every MWF so Delia como call it
an Indian dad now I know the deletion
ganahan Duke suka ok so come on Holly
BBQ hon asuka separate i’m patty satalia
separate I know his dreams that you want
to take PhD hey he also knows where I am
come dead bat min Doha the makita miss
Ayala monarto lunch at national
bookstore or fully booked or any toy
shop did Pokemon y apaga town k ball
poach on sarcoma no worries and fears
being a friend is really to be intimate
in the maps of the love maps of the
person and that is my third lesson be
each other’s friends another important
team are aiming to be friends because
when we are friends you are a tune to
the person’s feelings you are tuned that
something is amiss yay and you yours
when your friends are certain that the
other person will not abandon you hey
and then when you fight ok the other
person repair and then your you will you
are a tune to to receive that prepare a
and a good thing about being friends
it’s not only building positive of
energy but it also creates positive
memories and positive experiences and
they’ve been government found the couple
and happy couples narrate how excited
they feel when they met a remember event
so finally we’re us unhappy couples they
would narrate all the bad things that
happen to them just a moment ago at us
are willing animal get ova dub 09
amiguitos aback economy get to Cesana
know so being friends really talks about
positive memories now leads
positive memories so I have this
favorite definition of love and
according to Barbara Fredrickson love is
a micro moment of emotional positive
connection with someone a and it’s not
only necessary romantic love is with me
and my knees feeling serenity reading
together a book love is between me and
my students are interested in being
amused at a certain topic love is right
now you listening to me and me feeling
this high and you enjoy my top nah so
what does what does it mean to be a full
time lover for me to be a full time
lover it means to collect positive
experiences positive loving experiences
and that is my my fourth lesson and for
Linda and I I am a full time lover by
collecting positive experiences like for
example going on chasing waterfalls in
Northern Mindanao or next please or
dining out with my family and dining out
with his family and giving exchanging
gifts and basking in the Sun going out
to the beach traveling to places you
have to do this though marni I had to do
this you did not do this now I studying
together and really just driving around
the city so in summary these are my for
my for lessons fight well make and
receive repair attempts be each other’s
friend collect+ and loving experiences
tomorrow August 21 2016 Linden and I
will be celebrating 15 gay relationship
years together
um that’s actually five years though in
normal years so chamber what’s the
aspiration of course the aspiration is
gay marriage why not I really want to be
married hey because married a big
marriage is the highest form of
commitment okay nope no details yet is
it in the beach or in the info you know
in a forest or no no details yet but for
sure I want my family I want my friends
I want his family and his friends to be
there to celebrate with us because maybe
someday someday there’s a place for us
sometime place for us peace and quiet
and open air wait for us somewhere
someday this is my story this is my
liberation now it’s your turn thank you
very much you