[Music]
no I’m actually general what as much as
you want I tried to prepare today I’m
actually really nervous about this and
it’s more it’s more because with the
subject that it is it’s not talked about
in this country and off a couple months
ago I was try to take my life quite a
number of times in my life when I was a
child stuff happened to me that it is
shaped the rest of my life you know I
think it was from the start when I was
11 years of age when it all started we
often asked her says when we hear of
people who were taken their lies are
people who would tend to take delays
especially that especially at that age
you know how could they know about such
a thing like but as he said
unfortunately I know how to end mine you
know it first started off as he said
when I was 11 and it started off with
maybe you don’t hit myself in the legs
punch or punch for myself pinching
myself and that might sound a bit odd
but it’s it’s the only it was the only
thing I found the only outlet I found to
stop what was going on up here and in
here that then progressed and then to
actually that’s where it you know what I
had this rehearsal no John Harlan kind
of lost but that’s where I that’s where
I forgot my addiction you don’t often
hear people saying it but yeah it was a
drug addict and it was an alcoholic
because it was the only thing I could
find I true a lot of I truly a lot of
opportunities in my life because I was
angry I was resentful I hated everything
and I hated everyone but yeah as I said
the first one to sell when the self
errand first started it progressed then
to ties around my neck or ropes and I
was chest I was testing the waters of
just how brave I needed to be yeah and
as I said no and to punish everybody I
thought I was punishing everybody and
especially my family and my friends I
truly in my education and I not very
proud of this but I got kicked out of
two secondary schools and then banned
for maybe other one in the northwest
I got sent a you reached a detention
center
are you rich training center and you
guess I was asked to leave there too
there were signs I always wanted to die
those things most of life I was happy
you know but I was I was sick of wearing
the mask and I always had to pretend I
had to pretend I had to pretend so when
I got into then I tried to move away
when I was 17 going on 18 I tried to be
a chef the next Gordon Ramsay I mean
because I cursed a lot and he was Bush
you know but I did I loved cooking it
was actually an outlet for me you know
and I kept that coma for a while but
yeah I moved up to Donegal and Todd age
everything would be better but it only
got worse but it got worse because
before no matter how many times in these
hearts to come to the aid I always had
family I always had friends there borsch
and this time I had no one
so evidently it didn’t work out in the
end but a yeah so over the years like I
went I didn’t build obviously TV I
bizarre perform though I was going from
job to job to job Bernhard was always
right and everybody else was wrong you
know but yeah so with the multiple
multiple attempts about killing myself
and in other songs party songs hash you
know or some strange for people there
but I don’t know what it was I just I
guess I was just I wasn’t I wasn’t
I didn’t suit the world I didn’t think
anybody loved me I didn’t think anyone
was ever going to love me everything I
try to do failed even though like it
didn’t matter how many times people told
me Jesus printed on a great job or you
know a fair play it you don’t well I
didn’t see it
I only only seen decide to me that I
wanted to see and that was the one that
wanted it cease exist and living on
desert so after all the years a hassle
all the years of trouble it was in the
late September of 2010 where I finally
felt ready like I finally felt ready to
leave the art because again I just
couldn’t take it anymore
I tried I’ve been to every sort of
psychotic crazy by the way before I go
any further
no but I’ve been to all of them and
you know and I don’t knock the
profession you know they kept telling me
everything’s gonna get better
everything’s gonna get great they tried
to put me on medication and it wasn’t
that again it’s not about see there’s a
misconception in this country that once
you hear a mental health you firstly
you’re gonna picture someone is probably
running down the road flatten their arms
or top and awaitin him says it’s not
like that at all and I tell you why it’s
not like that
because as I said now in late September
2006 our 2010 sorry it was just one day
like I was 26 27 at the time and like I
went you were four years I went sure
over four years but it was just one day
I said that was enough and so that I had
a plan so I tried different methods of
suicide cut myself wasn’t brave enough I
had a relation of mine determined many
years ago so I taught that I know I was
going to cause heart and pain for my
family so and especially didn’t want to
cause us for my dad so I didn’t go with
that option – so I don’t want a noobest
and that was take jobs I am at the time
in my body was already breaking down and
it wasn’t like it wasn’t her overnight
no that was prescription drugs that was
marijuana it was speed it was there was
there was all sorts of concoctions so
when I took what I taught was enough
like I was I was actually happy and this
probably this next part nobody gonna
sound harsh for a lot of people to hear
well I live with my dad at the time we
lived in a bungalow you know and one
night as they sat I sacked the car in me
bed and I kind of said goodbyes and we
head to my family and my friends because
number one they didn’t want to leave in
naught because then they’d have to see
that all the time and be reminded you
know so I just yeah I was saying me go
by his neck seen my dad in knocked on
the door and he says oh ah rates on Joe
don’t worry things are going to get
better because I was actually awaiting a
passport an expressed passport to go
into a place in Italy called
communication act law now that probably
sounds a bit fancy but it’s a religious
type run rehab and I didn’t say I didn’t
want to stay in Ireland I don’t do this
enough to people but I I was just
looking to run away yeah I wanted help
but I just wanted to escape I wanted to
get away from it all
so yeah but once I knew I had 10 days to
wish that added that actually added a
lot more pressure because trying to get
you today was tough enough as it was you
know and so yeah I took their I took the
overdose and I went to see what I
thought was the last time and to be
quite honest with you yeah life is in
great these days but like obviously I’m
here but you know and I didn’t want to
wake up I was happy you know I was
actually when I went to sleep I was
closed my eyes that’s it that’s over so
the next morning and then when I woke up
the first thing I thought the first
thing I thought was look at you you
useless you can’t even kill yourself
you’re a failure you’re worthless you’re
hopeless and that’s honestly what I felt
and I couldn’t stop crying I was just
sitting in bed gone my god is that is
this you know a torture so when they
went out I automate as he said I live
with my dad at the time in the bunk door
so when my bedroom door you could see
the hole you can see the kitchen
so when I opened the bedroom door my
passport was there there was I never
thought of the consequences of action
when he was telling the story because
I’d done a radio interview a few months
ago and the radio presenter turnaround
goes that he was talk about my story was
that if I had to succeed it my dad would
have found me but like anybody else’s
try to you know if you try to self-harm
or suicide you’re not sure you’re not
out there trying to hurt everybody as
you know you’re not trying to show
anyone or anything like that it’s about
ending your own sovereign in pain
so yeah three days later I was in Italy
I was in a place called cassoulet Jose
in the north of Italy ten days later it
was my birthday and there was this 26 or
nine or sorry 27 don’t even know what it
is I am thesis him but there I was I was
sitting down and I wasn’t really like
you know a holy type person but it was
bawling my eyes Oh in front of the
tabernacle I didn’t care about me I was
more worried about the mess that I had
left behind for my family you know so um
yeah I stayed there for about maybe 78
months and so yeah I’m when I came back
into Ireland
to be honest which I was in
Barriss of my behavior so I never went
back and I still haven’t gone home seven
years later I still have to actually
meet someone my family you know nephews
nieces I’ve missed funerals birthdays
but you know about it was a coward
I actually I call me said a coward let’s
not put me down it’s because it finally
dawned on me I didn’t have to be angry
do you know I didn’t have to resent any
I resent people and most of all I didn’t
have to resent myself so yeah I went to
live in Cork and because I had nowhere
to go I II started off at the wholeness
hostels no I even dare three times in
the last six years and yeah sorry no
it’s just you know what when he never I
start talking about the hostel it brings
back a laugh a lot of memories because
I’ve watched people getting taken out in
body bags like I’ve seen a lot me life
you know I could probably stand here all
day talking tea but actually got I seen
people getting taken up body bags
people literally slicing themselves in
front you know cause they’ve lost all
hope and one of the main reasons
actually I didn’t want to bother not too
much for one of the main reasons for
doing this today
was I lost a very dear friend of mine
for years ago and he was uh he was a lot
worse off to me do you know he couldn’t
really speak he had he had kind of the
deformities he was in an accident many
years ago so he drained out a list that
I got a shot from or generate general
just sit down and listen to him there
was two times where I seen him cry once
once was I played like you speedy Jie
once I played the song called master by
Tom Waits and he just cried he just like
he did he tears run down his eyes and
the second time I seen in crime was when
he was getting brought into the
ambulance which was yeah about three
days later then here that actually
jumped into River and killed himself
yeah so I when I as he said no when he
got first got out of the hostel I went
to a place called Clarke Penny dinners
and it feeds people like it is you know
I finally sort of struggling people just
people like be sad you know and so I was
only a child here but it was suggested
to me that I should volunteer as a way
of not been lonely to make new friends
and the
ah kids I’d like the things that talk
today is not giving up giving back and I
tell you something for nothing I wish I
knew know what I knew if I knew nobody
knew I couldn’t run years ago cipher
stumbling but I am I’d be a totally
different person because I really opened
my eyes to what life is really about you
know and like my story is my story and I
always hear the people if it matters to
you what matters you know but there is a
lot of people out there that are worse
off but I am yeah are you I may stay
there for maybe four years on and off
and I often wondered when they’re gonna
close the two o’clock trend today I
often wonder where do these people go
alike you know who talks to them after
that so then I found I found out about
another homeless unit a group who go
around every second Friday it’s called
please join me in helping cars homeless
and yet so as I said no I had a little
bit of an advantage
and it didn’t make me invincible but
because I was homeless I knew 99% of the
people that you know they could relate
to me to go talk to me so then we
started up our own group and it’s just a
small operation what we do is just go
around every night can it talk into
people you know listen and feed them you
know make up little care packs we hand
in claws so we hand in claws and it’s
but it’s more so just to listen to them
you know yeah and as I said know we have
lost like we we have saved a few people
but we’ve lost also lost people and two
weeks of our sorry three weeks ago I
organized this it was like a beauty
therapy there for some of the homeless
women now by and large they fellas we
can look after it so that’s not been
sexist you know what I saw the way they
often really I think more about the
women on the street because I’ve heard
some most horrendous stories and you
know I’d some of them I probably
couldn’t repeat here today but anyways
my point that I saw it was it went where
the tokopedia was well to the ladies
ended up turning off in the end for them
yeah and then last week then there was a
follow-up interview about it and like
unusually me I love I fell in love talk
and usually I don’t start with this much
just humble this much but there was a
radio interview anyways and your mom was
awful way the radio presenter and saying
how nice it was and all the
I don’t like that kind of odd Jesus burn
you done great job on our fair play idea
because I could have done I couldn’t be
here today what I had that I’ve got my
life you know but a couple of months of
what we saved a guy who was about to
jump into a river and he had he’s four
kids and he even said that that made to
me when I was waiting for the emergency
services that and he knows he’s gonna
leave the kids without a father but he’s
happy he’s unhappy you know he said he’s
unhappy he doesn’t know why but he knows
why if you know what I mean but anyways
a join the course at interview I was
asked to hold on for a second and
another man come on
and it was the guy that we saved he said
you called me gardenias he starts seeing
all these nice things about helping him
but what really shocked me was that he
said you save for kids from losing their
father and you know there’s like there’s
a hundred stories they could tidy and I
really kind of I dunno what I probably
didn’t do it enough justice today what
I’m just trying money basically trying
to say is that like it’s okay to not be
okay it’s okay to cry and it’s okay at
all
and I wish I knew that years ago and
then I may be a woman who lost my family
I lost all my friends
maybe do you know what I often feel like
each Island because I’m alone there for
the last few years old friends but I’m
still you know it’s still just me but em
yeah so I just like to talk before I go
I just wanted to say T that the point
that was hot today was I’m not giving up
and giving back but you know what this
is this is like a dream for me today so
three messages please take that chance
and not your life thank you very much
[Applause]
no I’m actually general what as much as
you want I tried to prepare today I’m
actually really nervous about this and
it’s more it’s more because with the
subject that it is it’s not talked about
in this country and off a couple months
ago I was try to take my life quite a
number of times in my life when I was a
child stuff happened to me that it is
shaped the rest of my life you know I
think it was from the start when I was
11 years of age when it all started we
often asked her says when we hear of
people who were taken their lies are
people who would tend to take delays
especially that especially at that age
you know how could they know about such
a thing like but as he said
unfortunately I know how to end mine you
know it first started off as he said
when I was 11 and it started off with
maybe you don’t hit myself in the legs
punch or punch for myself pinching
myself and that might sound a bit odd
but it’s it’s the only it was the only
thing I found the only outlet I found to
stop what was going on up here and in
here that then progressed and then to
actually that’s where it you know what I
had this rehearsal no John Harlan kind
of lost but that’s where I that’s where
I forgot my addiction you don’t often
hear people saying it but yeah it was a
drug addict and it was an alcoholic
because it was the only thing I could
find I true a lot of I truly a lot of
opportunities in my life because I was
angry I was resentful I hated everything
and I hated everyone but yeah as I said
the first one to sell when the self
errand first started it progressed then
to ties around my neck or ropes and I
was chest I was testing the waters of
just how brave I needed to be yeah and
as I said no and to punish everybody I
thought I was punishing everybody and
especially my family and my friends I
truly in my education and I not very
proud of this but I got kicked out of
two secondary schools and then banned
for maybe other one in the northwest
I got sent a you reached a detention
center
are you rich training center and you
guess I was asked to leave there too
there were signs I always wanted to die
those things most of life I was happy
you know but I was I was sick of wearing
the mask and I always had to pretend I
had to pretend I had to pretend so when
I got into then I tried to move away
when I was 17 going on 18 I tried to be
a chef the next Gordon Ramsay I mean
because I cursed a lot and he was Bush
you know but I did I loved cooking it
was actually an outlet for me you know
and I kept that coma for a while but
yeah I moved up to Donegal and Todd age
everything would be better but it only
got worse but it got worse because
before no matter how many times in these
hearts to come to the aid I always had
family I always had friends there borsch
and this time I had no one
so evidently it didn’t work out in the
end but a yeah so over the years like I
went I didn’t build obviously TV I
bizarre perform though I was going from
job to job to job Bernhard was always
right and everybody else was wrong you
know but yeah so with the multiple
multiple attempts about killing myself
and in other songs party songs hash you
know or some strange for people there
but I don’t know what it was I just I
guess I was just I wasn’t I wasn’t
I didn’t suit the world I didn’t think
anybody loved me I didn’t think anyone
was ever going to love me everything I
try to do failed even though like it
didn’t matter how many times people told
me Jesus printed on a great job or you
know a fair play it you don’t well I
didn’t see it
I only only seen decide to me that I
wanted to see and that was the one that
wanted it cease exist and living on
desert so after all the years a hassle
all the years of trouble it was in the
late September of 2010 where I finally
felt ready like I finally felt ready to
leave the art because again I just
couldn’t take it anymore
I tried I’ve been to every sort of
psychotic crazy by the way before I go
any further
no but I’ve been to all of them and
you know and I don’t knock the
profession you know they kept telling me
everything’s gonna get better
everything’s gonna get great they tried
to put me on medication and it wasn’t
that again it’s not about see there’s a
misconception in this country that once
you hear a mental health you firstly
you’re gonna picture someone is probably
running down the road flatten their arms
or top and awaitin him says it’s not
like that at all and I tell you why it’s
not like that
because as I said now in late September
2006 our 2010 sorry it was just one day
like I was 26 27 at the time and like I
went you were four years I went sure
over four years but it was just one day
I said that was enough and so that I had
a plan so I tried different methods of
suicide cut myself wasn’t brave enough I
had a relation of mine determined many
years ago so I taught that I know I was
going to cause heart and pain for my
family so and especially didn’t want to
cause us for my dad so I didn’t go with
that option – so I don’t want a noobest
and that was take jobs I am at the time
in my body was already breaking down and
it wasn’t like it wasn’t her overnight
no that was prescription drugs that was
marijuana it was speed it was there was
there was all sorts of concoctions so
when I took what I taught was enough
like I was I was actually happy and this
probably this next part nobody gonna
sound harsh for a lot of people to hear
well I live with my dad at the time we
lived in a bungalow you know and one
night as they sat I sacked the car in me
bed and I kind of said goodbyes and we
head to my family and my friends because
number one they didn’t want to leave in
naught because then they’d have to see
that all the time and be reminded you
know so I just yeah I was saying me go
by his neck seen my dad in knocked on
the door and he says oh ah rates on Joe
don’t worry things are going to get
better because I was actually awaiting a
passport an expressed passport to go
into a place in Italy called
communication act law now that probably
sounds a bit fancy but it’s a religious
type run rehab and I didn’t say I didn’t
want to stay in Ireland I don’t do this
enough to people but I I was just
looking to run away yeah I wanted help
but I just wanted to escape I wanted to
get away from it all
so yeah but once I knew I had 10 days to
wish that added that actually added a
lot more pressure because trying to get
you today was tough enough as it was you
know and so yeah I took their I took the
overdose and I went to see what I
thought was the last time and to be
quite honest with you yeah life is in
great these days but like obviously I’m
here but you know and I didn’t want to
wake up I was happy you know I was
actually when I went to sleep I was
closed my eyes that’s it that’s over so
the next morning and then when I woke up
the first thing I thought the first
thing I thought was look at you you
useless you can’t even kill yourself
you’re a failure you’re worthless you’re
hopeless and that’s honestly what I felt
and I couldn’t stop crying I was just
sitting in bed gone my god is that is
this you know a torture so when they
went out I automate as he said I live
with my dad at the time in the bunk door
so when my bedroom door you could see
the hole you can see the kitchen
so when I opened the bedroom door my
passport was there there was I never
thought of the consequences of action
when he was telling the story because
I’d done a radio interview a few months
ago and the radio presenter turnaround
goes that he was talk about my story was
that if I had to succeed it my dad would
have found me but like anybody else’s
try to you know if you try to self-harm
or suicide you’re not sure you’re not
out there trying to hurt everybody as
you know you’re not trying to show
anyone or anything like that it’s about
ending your own sovereign in pain
so yeah three days later I was in Italy
I was in a place called cassoulet Jose
in the north of Italy ten days later it
was my birthday and there was this 26 or
nine or sorry 27 don’t even know what it
is I am thesis him but there I was I was
sitting down and I wasn’t really like
you know a holy type person but it was
bawling my eyes Oh in front of the
tabernacle I didn’t care about me I was
more worried about the mess that I had
left behind for my family you know so um
yeah I stayed there for about maybe 78
months and so yeah I’m when I came back
into Ireland
to be honest which I was in
Barriss of my behavior so I never went
back and I still haven’t gone home seven
years later I still have to actually
meet someone my family you know nephews
nieces I’ve missed funerals birthdays
but you know about it was a coward
I actually I call me said a coward let’s
not put me down it’s because it finally
dawned on me I didn’t have to be angry
do you know I didn’t have to resent any
I resent people and most of all I didn’t
have to resent myself so yeah I went to
live in Cork and because I had nowhere
to go I II started off at the wholeness
hostels no I even dare three times in
the last six years and yeah sorry no
it’s just you know what when he never I
start talking about the hostel it brings
back a laugh a lot of memories because
I’ve watched people getting taken out in
body bags like I’ve seen a lot me life
you know I could probably stand here all
day talking tea but actually got I seen
people getting taken up body bags
people literally slicing themselves in
front you know cause they’ve lost all
hope and one of the main reasons
actually I didn’t want to bother not too
much for one of the main reasons for
doing this today
was I lost a very dear friend of mine
for years ago and he was uh he was a lot
worse off to me do you know he couldn’t
really speak he had he had kind of the
deformities he was in an accident many
years ago so he drained out a list that
I got a shot from or generate general
just sit down and listen to him there
was two times where I seen him cry once
once was I played like you speedy Jie
once I played the song called master by
Tom Waits and he just cried he just like
he did he tears run down his eyes and
the second time I seen in crime was when
he was getting brought into the
ambulance which was yeah about three
days later then here that actually
jumped into River and killed himself
yeah so I when I as he said no when he
got first got out of the hostel I went
to a place called Clarke Penny dinners
and it feeds people like it is you know
I finally sort of struggling people just
people like be sad you know and so I was
only a child here but it was suggested
to me that I should volunteer as a way
of not been lonely to make new friends
and the
ah kids I’d like the things that talk
today is not giving up giving back and I
tell you something for nothing I wish I
knew know what I knew if I knew nobody
knew I couldn’t run years ago cipher
stumbling but I am I’d be a totally
different person because I really opened
my eyes to what life is really about you
know and like my story is my story and I
always hear the people if it matters to
you what matters you know but there is a
lot of people out there that are worse
off but I am yeah are you I may stay
there for maybe four years on and off
and I often wondered when they’re gonna
close the two o’clock trend today I
often wonder where do these people go
alike you know who talks to them after
that so then I found I found out about
another homeless unit a group who go
around every second Friday it’s called
please join me in helping cars homeless
and yet so as I said no I had a little
bit of an advantage
and it didn’t make me invincible but
because I was homeless I knew 99% of the
people that you know they could relate
to me to go talk to me so then we
started up our own group and it’s just a
small operation what we do is just go
around every night can it talk into
people you know listen and feed them you
know make up little care packs we hand
in claws so we hand in claws and it’s
but it’s more so just to listen to them
you know yeah and as I said know we have
lost like we we have saved a few people
but we’ve lost also lost people and two
weeks of our sorry three weeks ago I
organized this it was like a beauty
therapy there for some of the homeless
women now by and large they fellas we
can look after it so that’s not been
sexist you know what I saw the way they
often really I think more about the
women on the street because I’ve heard
some most horrendous stories and you
know I’d some of them I probably
couldn’t repeat here today but anyways
my point that I saw it was it went where
the tokopedia was well to the ladies
ended up turning off in the end for them
yeah and then last week then there was a
follow-up interview about it and like
unusually me I love I fell in love talk
and usually I don’t start with this much
just humble this much but there was a
radio interview anyways and your mom was
awful way the radio presenter and saying
how nice it was and all the
I don’t like that kind of odd Jesus burn
you done great job on our fair play idea
because I could have done I couldn’t be
here today what I had that I’ve got my
life you know but a couple of months of
what we saved a guy who was about to
jump into a river and he had he’s four
kids and he even said that that made to
me when I was waiting for the emergency
services that and he knows he’s gonna
leave the kids without a father but he’s
happy he’s unhappy you know he said he’s
unhappy he doesn’t know why but he knows
why if you know what I mean but anyways
a join the course at interview I was
asked to hold on for a second and
another man come on
and it was the guy that we saved he said
you called me gardenias he starts seeing
all these nice things about helping him
but what really shocked me was that he
said you save for kids from losing their
father and you know there’s like there’s
a hundred stories they could tidy and I
really kind of I dunno what I probably
didn’t do it enough justice today what
I’m just trying money basically trying
to say is that like it’s okay to not be
okay it’s okay to cry and it’s okay at
all
and I wish I knew that years ago and
then I may be a woman who lost my family
I lost all my friends
maybe do you know what I often feel like
each Island because I’m alone there for
the last few years old friends but I’m
still you know it’s still just me but em
yeah so I just like to talk before I go
I just wanted to say T that the point
that was hot today was I’m not giving up
and giving back but you know what this
is this is like a dream for me today so
three messages please take that chance
and not your life thank you very much
[Applause]
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