intense and very these good speeches so
positive speeches but having material as
well I’d say I go off the stage and I
come onstage again and then you really
cheer out so instead of plan so I got
offstage and if I’m back here what here
thank you thank you so much
[Applause]
thanks so much as I’ve heard I’m Fabian
and I must tell you I’m still a bit
varied because I yet haven’t met this
guy called Ted
so Tony told it I want to be a stand-up
this is like if you’re a Scandinavian
and say yes I am very passionate or if
you are friends say yes I’m a shark in a
strange but I am so organised doesn’t
fire if you have an Italian saying
Charles oh no Giancarlo and I am very
punctual and let’s be fair and honest
the Italians are not punctual they are
not yesterday I’ve met an Italian he was
so late he still believed it’s March and
I started my comedy I saw my comedy in
at school so I performed little sense to
my seat neighbours to the left and to
the right and which was to my surprise
not really welcome I often times ended
up in front of the door of the classroom
and top doing extra homework and
suddenly people for the exact same
really that’s confusing and money money
is one thing like sort of a Swiss
mannerism our relationship to money but
this other man reasons here as well for
instance you might have known this we
have rules how to cut
OSHA’s I mean in gardening so do you yes
do you know another country that has
rules for cutting bushes not me that’s
that’s weird or for instance our garbage
bag system you pay 20 bucks 20 francs
for 10 35 litre bags that’s a long I
have an American friend and she called
her father Dan I can’t believe it it’s
like 10 10 bags for 20 bucks oh no
worries I’m gonna send you some this
does not really solve the problem it’s
not the back that is expensive it’s the
taxes so and I think most of you work in
it at the company and you might have
come across a thing called a pair oh who
knows opera raise your hand
Appa is weird right
where does this phenomenon come from I
did some research and I found out that
in Sweden we have the longest working
hours globally and in reality this is
not really a pleasure
so opera is nothing else than you are
bloody too tired at work but you still
this is when we do opera so people get
together in the office and get pissed
this is one of the rare occasions you
can see your bones strong and I think
this is also where you should plan maybe
your salary negotiation combos just a
10% increase just 10% that’s that’s a
good way and especially in officer
everywhere
we are quite if not very punctual and
punctuality is the DNA of Switzerland
it’s what the entire economy is built
around and take situation at the railway
station I become nervous if I see oh my
god
train is late 15 seconds okay after 50
more 3500 I start to tap from one foot
to the earth oh it’s late for 30 seconds
already after one minute we start to
make eye contact or funk did you see
it’s one minute it’s one minute late
after two minutes two minutes late
Switzerland is falling apart
it’s doomsday what the hell do we do so
we have a I I have a very intense
relationship with my wristwatch this is
why it’s so big I’d say my relationship
with my wristwatch is deeper than my
relationship with my girlfriend when we
go on vacation I even booked my
wristwatch a separate airplane seat
because I think it needs to be cherished
it just deserves it
and in order to make make us feel home
make us welcome we speak our indigenous
language it’s our maid Swiss German you
have noticed it’s a bit different
so there is no written Swiss German it’s
just a spoken language and I must admit
back in the days there were people who
could write Swiss German but they were
tortured they were exposed to
traditional Swiss music never exposed to
land ler and yodeling because we need to
keep Swiss German as a secret language
it’s very secretive this is our Da Vinci
Code I mean the Americans they have the
NSA we have Swiss German and really
beloved it means a lot to us
and I must say there is immigrants in
Zurich who even speak a bad Swiss German
usually these immigrants come from
bouncing and the question is what the
hell is the difference between Swiss
German and high German so views I shall
be employed if we see mmm we need to
bring across really hard harsh message
so if you go the results are very good
iBM is not tight leash passive and this
is the point where you go a eat
why God if you do the same thing in
Swiss German the results are very good
over me
simply doesn’t burn and we are a multi
language country so we have most of us
only speak one language within okay
that’s in our forecast but you might
have travelled you might have come
across a language like in the mountains
in the canton of greece owns a language
called Romansh
who knows romans i must admit i the hell
have no idea what that is
i think it’s sort of a cow dialect
this is how they communicate and just
the humans adapt to and from our charity
Vance really goes moon really that’s
intense
and to most of us face we define
Switzerland at least the majority of big
swiss german
VT finds with something as the swiss
german speaking part so to us france
starts a right behind it behind burn so
if you get across that potato trench
across the Hirsch the global this is
where you already meet French and I’d
say did the people from nurse Adele
Freebo ever da Lausanne Geneva it’s
nothing but French who are used to bad
wine have you ever tried a thing called
photon reef fauna is an experienced
fauna is a better vinegar in Zurich
views further in the hospital as it is
infected and take even spotting a bottle
of photon can ish initiate an abortion
really that is dangerous try to
stay away from it and once these people
come across the board to burn they need
avert working permit so some of you
might have one maybe some words and then
I think there’s four permits the first
to have is the permit G per me G is
grants Kanger and G stands for go home
in the evening we don’t want you to stay
overnight it’s like the French the
Italians the German we want them to get
out because we think they could
potentially start a war
that’s heavy ain’t it and then we
have the permit Elle Elle is you have to
leave and for leave after six months so
we take your labor but we don’t want you
to make friends here and I assume that
making friends here for an expert is not
too easy
you think who thinks no it’s difficult
to make friends in Switzerland raise
your hands okay some people and as you
say I think making friends here is easy
it’s really easy um there’s two ways you
can either pay cash or credit card yes
and and after that you have to permit be
permit be means you can be here but we
still don’t like you and really the best
thing to get is there is a permit C C
stands for congrats you’ve made it yes
who has to see who has a permit C lovely
love is so many oh what do we do
now but even better than a permit C is a
passport and in order to get this
response for it there is two ways and
how you make it to the Swiss national
really that’s it’s a very international
have you seen that it’s so into its I
think it’s it’s something like the
French Foreign Legion
well encounters to the French Foreign
Legion our team usually loses the
battles it’s very international so we
have people from Serbia Croatia the
cause of all Spain it’s so international
we even got an Eskimo playing for our
team
I thought the punch line is better I I
cross that out now and watching our team
is always a hassle so it’s it’s like
okay I’m ready for a heart attack during
the next night oh my god oh my god but
it’s the Germans go ah fun four to zero
okay this is quite good but it could be
even better nah I must admit I I think I
all the others now think what kind of an
asshole
so it’s not just cool if I go to a
restaurant with my girlfriend she gets
the menu it’s opened on the first page I
get the menu on the fifth last page for
our little ones menu Ninja Turtle when
you Bob the Builder or if you go to a
butchery you order three steaks you get
three steaks I get three steaks as well
in a poetry but afterwards always the
question would you fancy a little
sausage so me sitting in an aircraft is
like the flight attendants me and tells
me look I got a little piece of paper
you got some numbers on it
you can connect them in in the end you
get a little picture and in the after
you have like intercoms cabin crew
yellow doors select the zone have you
heard that cabin crew what the hell is
he trying to tell us one thing is clear
we feel oh wow
we trust that man or that lady in the
cockpit I think he could be sitting
there right in front okay
which sentence I’m gonna tell them now I
think why not tell things that might
surprise an audience in the aircraft
like ladies and gentlemen a systematic
happen from the cockpit the captain will
serve you dinner in a few moments we
have decided to switch chops in order to
have a little fun and in general I think
pilots are not able to speak in a normal
welcome aboard flight 350 shot imagine
this one in a butcher shop I would like
to have three steaks two pieces of
salami capping created or select
disarmed and imagine pilots would not
speak always that relaxing if they would
go like this is not a pleasure you don’t
want to hear that and so it’s everything
that even people persons they might not
have the talent to fly an egg imagine
Roger Federer sitting in the cockpit
hello ladies German this is one sir
further from the cockpit I must tell you
the only reason why I sit in this
aircraft is in order to escape my wife
in a car or if you have mr. Trump in the
cockpit okay okay okay it’s good what
sticks out to me is that if mr. Trump
speaks apart from that he always makes
the impression that he’s staring into
some sort of a line okay I don’t see
anything okay well he always uses his
hands like that he can’t just talk like
that he does action I think back in the
days he used to work for a car wash
okay next one okay that’s good okay
other people tell me might just beat the
way he met Melania okay oh my god when I
tell you in the aircraft when I mean
there is an announcement they say we
have an emergency
emergency is a doctor on board I asked
oh my no I can’t right now its impact if
I don’t handle the situation it’s
extremely embarrassing on the other hand
if I’m the only one I must so what do I
do
I raise my hand the flight attendant
approaches me and tells me don’t you
want to first finish your little drawing
here
thank you ladies and gentlemen thanks
long [Applause]