today about a male liberation because I
do care about men and I want them to
find fulfillment in their lives and not
be defined by the external world only I
also want to talk about human liberation
and get past talking about traditional
identities so if you had a choice would
you choose to be a man or a woman I
believe that women are not going to make
much more progress on women finding
their fulfillment until men begin to
take on the challenge of their role
identities as well men have to change
for their own reasons however we can’t
expect them to change so we can go
farther they need to change for their
own reasons their own health and their
own fulfillment so it’s probably a
little funny that I’m talking about
their liberation but somebody’s got a
new there’s a major study that was just
released that was completed in the
United Kingdom the United States and
Mexico so it’s quite a sizable study and
what they are they called their study
the man box and what’s in that box is
men must be they must act strong high
weakness and look good and what we’re
finding with young men they’re they’re
finding that very difficult
to do and so they end up with emotional
and physical problems and the study
bears that out so if you can reach your
full potential and this goes for women
and then you tend to find that and more
depressed angry empty inside and
embroidering how let me say a little bit
about myself I grew up on a farm about
20 miles from here and I’m the oldest
only girl had five brothers and a father
and all sorts of hired men that I grew
up with so I learned it was a man’s
world and I learn to be tough
competitive assertive and most of all I
learned the stuff my feelings didn’t
really know about theatres until I went
away to college I didn’t know what a
feeling was and then I went out on a
date with my my first husband here um
and he in the end we went to a movie in
the middle of the movie he started
crying and I’m going what the heck is
wrong with him I didn’t grow up with men
who cried but I fell in love with him
anyway I think I think I found my
missing piece that my dad taught me to
wrestle because he wanted me to be as
strong as my brothers as tough as my
brothers he insisted that I go to
college so I have learned a trade
profession so that I could take care of
myself and I didn’t have to marry
someone just to find someone
take care of me I loved talking with men
in conversations with politics economics
world issues it was terrific I avoided
talks with women who talked about babies
who talked about family talk about
neighborhood and so I was a much more
like a man and my way of approaching
things outside was men’s work and we
could we could as women participate in
that too when I was growing up on a farm
a long time ago men and women work the
farm together it was a real partnership
so it was okay for us as females to work
outside inside however was for women
only and men would be called sissies if
they worked inside when my dad would he
would help out a little bit in the
kitchen when we were having company the
minute he saw a guest arriving he
abandoned that apron and ran for his
easy-chair that was what worked what
life was like on the farm I want to read
a list of really daunting identities
that men are required to fit into they
must be independent dominant adventurous
forceful stoic competitive aggressive
combative career oriented that’s a very
challenging list for anyone to have to
make
to society dictates most of these
identities women stay at home raise
children to be a homemaker men were
taught for probably centuries to be
warriors and all those things I just
listed as May of identities are very
useful as a warrior what’s not useful is
having some of the intern capacities
like compassion like nurturing they
don’t work well on the battlefield so
men have both buried deep inside quite
often totally unidentified and that’s
the challenge I think we face with males
the thing is that women and men have
been complicit in reinforcing those
roles for each other over generations
nobody’s questioned that it’s the way
it’s always been done and so that’s the
way we do it
you get boy boys get to play with trucks
girls get to play with dolls and what’s
unusual about them we take that off the
ground if a boy plays with a doll
they’re quite often called a sissy if a
man is emotional or carry the weak he’s
tall the sissy that thing that happens
with that is it stunts an individual’s
growth when we can’t move past those
culturally defined identities
cities I handed up in the domestic
violence program in Tulsa and for women
we had a safe house for women and
children and we taught them best how
best to prevent violence how to stay out
of those situations and we also started
a men’s program because as I said and
then are so out of touch with their
feelings and their fears that they don’t
leave anywhere to express that except it
gets funneled into anger as the one
acceptable emotion that and then approve
of they can’t express it without it dies
they can’t express disappointment they
can’t do that some of the anger occurs
and they want to dominate the weather
show they’re still dominant in superior
and so they abused a person they know
that they can prove to themselves
they’re still dominant I used the
talking about abuse because it most
exemplifies both dominance and the
superiority syndrome and it’s easy to
see how this works but most men aren’t
abusive however it’s very difficult to
change abuse
because that’s reinforced by US by other
men in our society and probably by the
society as a whole but that
reinforcement keeps telling them they
own that woman they own those children
so they can do whatever they want to do
with that woman and the children that
gets reinforced by the other men that
they hang out with so we read out
primarily with physical violence but
there’s a whole lot more verbal alive on
violence when when you don’t want to
give up that dominance and superiority
it is really difficult to make those
changes so as I said most men aren’t
violent and abusive but they do buy into
the superiority syndrome and that keeps
them from visiting their inner core from
becoming familiar with the feelings and
emotion and things to create the center
of one’s being so anger as I said is
acceptable because it says he’s strong
it’s also cathartic after the anger is
over he feels fine the pain has gone
away and until the next episode he feels
good
I’d like to propose that we deal with
pain
way I’d like to see us eliminate the
traditional identities as they are
associated with men and associated with
women and talk instead about a whole
array of human potential that all of
those capabilities are accessible to men
and women and that will help men and
women I find that fulfillment lets women
in themselves and better identify them
move toward their full potential so how
to make that journey well the first
thing is don’t do anything except listen
listen listen listen to your feelings
observe your reactions observe your
actions listen listen the next step is
to own those identities that you’ve been
taught and to begin to take charge of
your actions your values and your
feelings and out of that you will begin
to control yourself not someone else
yourself so let’s fill the trash can
with those things we don’t need get rid
of dominance and superiority they’re not
a gene they’re not God’s gift they are
learned behaviors and we can change
learn behaviors get rid of control over
another person the only person we can
really control is ourselves the only
person we can really change is ourself
and if you can be a good friend and a
good partner and you can listen and if
that person who’s trying to make some of
those changes is wanting to do that and
need your help
great when once you know great but you
can’t change that person get rid of
blame blame is often that thing that we
don’t like about ourselves we blame
someone else for and you know how it
feels when you get blamed be in touch
with those feelings and then get rid of
who suffers more oh my god I worked so
hard I have to deal with all that crap
poor me get rid of it it is a it’s a
justification for hostility we don’t
need those we don’t need any of these
they only inhibit being able to get
inside ourselves know who we really are
as opposed to what somebody else tells
us we are so in summary listen to your
feelings they’re your feelings you’re
the only one that can control those
students nobody can control them nobody
makes you feel that way unless you
choose to feel that way
anger is is mostly derived from fear
when you get angry ask yourself what am
I
why did I get angry and it can be a
little thing but it’s still almost
always based in fear so ask yourself pay
attention to that if you do it
frequently enough you begin to get in
touch with those feelings that are
driving that anger as I said earlier all
the emotions get funneled into anger
when you’re not in touch with your core
expand your repertoire you have all
these capacities available to you and
when you do that you will begin to know
yourself and not what somebody else has
told you so
do you want to be a woman or a man or do
you want to be the best you you can be
so take the challenge be adventurous I
want to say I’m reminded when I use that
word of a mountain man who’s who was
once asked are you forget do you ever
get lost and he said no I never get lost
it may take me a month or two to figure
out how to get to where I’m going but I
don’t get lost and I want to sit and use
that as an example for all of us to take
that adventure and figure out find the
way to get where you want to go pursue
your your potential and enjoy the
journey and I love men that way thank you