[Music]
the world has been waging war against
bullying for 18 years the world is
losing I’ve always had a knack for
seeing simple things that most people
don’t notice and for coming up with
simple solutions to problems I began my
career as a school psychologist and
psychotherapist 40 years ago I think I
was subconsciously drawn to the therapy
field because of my parents relationship
my parents hate each other with a
passion
they were both Holocaust survivors and
each of them would tell me that they
escaped Hitler only turned up with their
own personal Hitler all of my parents
friends and relatives spent hours with
them playing amateur psychologists
trying to get to the root of their
problems with us finally get along with
each other
everybody failed when I began working it
quickly became obvious to me that’s a
number one complaint of people is how
others treat them everybody sells
victimized by somebody in their lives
and they didn’t understand why this
person kept on being mean to them
they’re getting upset and they keep on
treating them badly
I was lucky thanks to some things I
learned in my psychology courses and in
practical workshops on the job I found I
can use role playing very successfully
to teach people why they were being
tormented and how to make it stop I
didn’t realize that at the time because
I had never heard the word bullying
being used in psychology before but what
I had become was an expert of teaching
how teaching people how to stop being
victimized how to stop being bullied
now bullying today is varied there
friends from what it was when I was
growing up bullying Houston mean give me
your lunch money I’ll beat you up after
school or a big kid beating up a smaller
kid just for the fun of it
this is criminal behavior it’s assault
and battery it’s extortion this is
illegal people deserve to be protected
from such behaviors and those who
committed the Seraph to be punished
today bullying is being used to refer to
all negative behavior anything that can
upset anybody else is bullying most
bullying is verbal it’s insults
name-calling rumors its gestures like
they’re sticking out your middle singer
or I rolling I rolling is called
bullying today it’s social exclusion you
can sit at our lunch table it’s a normal
pushing and shoving that kids do to each
other without injuring anybody all of
this is now bullying bullying is also
being referred to a situation that’s
repetitive if somebody picks on you once
in a blue moon that’s no big deal
but if they’re picking on you almost
every day or every day that really
drives you nuts and that’s called
bullying please be aware that bullying
does not only refer to kids in school
bullying goes on in the lifetime it
happens it’s work it happens within the
family in a teen years ago there was an
event that was so horrific that it
shocked the world and changed the face
of Education the Columbine High School
massacre of April 20th Hitler’s birthday
1999 made it impossible to ignore the
fact that just about all school
shootings are committed by victims of
bullying it was also well known that
many children who commit suicide are
victims of bullying
in just about every classroom in every
school in the world there are one or two
kids who are being picked on every day
by these people by their peers and these
kids are absolutely miserable but the
United States and much of the world
decided we had enough with these
shootings enough with suicides we’re
going to declare war on bullying there
was as previously of school obscure
field of psychology the bullying
psychology that stepped up to the plate
with the promise that they had the
solution to bullying ultimately their
approach to the problem was adopted by
every state of the Union this psychology
became mandated by law when I saw what
this psychology teaches I realized this
can’t possibly work it’s going to make
everything worse what they’re doing is
promoting a victim mentality the very
things that cause people to be bullied
they are presenting as the right thing
to do the philosophy behind the bullying
psychology is you’re entitled to a life
in which nobody is repeatedly mean to
you if people are mean to you please
don’t think it has anything to do with
you it’s only because of them if people
are being mean to you it is not your
responsibility
to do anything to make them stop just
inform the authorities and the
authorities will make people stop being
mean to you there is no serious school
of psychology or philosophy or religion
in the world that teaches this approach
to life anybody who lives like this is
going to be miserable and have terrible
relationships why do we have to show for
18 years of bullying warfare
anti-bullying warfare it’s getting worse
children are committing suicide in
record numbers parents are suing schools
left and right for failing to stop their
children from being bullied research has
found that children are more likely to
be bullied in a school that has an
anti-bullying program that in a school
that doesn’t researchers have found that
the most effective state anti-bullying
laws reduce bullying complaints by about
20 percent
that’s an 80 percent failure rate I was
trained to see the entire school as my
client if there’s something bad for the
entire school it’s going to be bad for
the individual members of the school
anti-bullying laws are about the worst
thing that ever happened to schools
anti-bullying laws don’t make bullying
magically disappear from a school what
they do is they hold the school legally
responsible for making the bullying
disappear the laws make it easy for
parents to sue schools for failing to
these laws are holding the school is
responsible for accomplishing the
impossible how can we hold schools
responsible for making bullying stop
when the programs and the laws don’t
work anti-bullying laws are a catch-22
the very effort to comply with them is
likely to make the situation worse the
purpose of the anti-bullying psychology
is to reduce hatred between people this
psychology psychology is promoting
hatred there’s a best-selling book for
preschoolers called I hate bullies
imagine from preschool you’re being
taught to hate bullies I came across
this poster on the internet that says
the only good bully is a dead one you
can say the most
things about bullies today and it’s
perfectly okay anti-bullying laws are
transforming schools from educational
institutions into totalitarian police
systems children have lost all privacy
everything that children say and do to
each other is now the business of the
schools and not only during the school’s
a 24/7 schools are instructing children
that if they’re bullied or a witness
bully bullying they have to inform the
school authorities so children are being
instructed to be spies and informers on
each other today if a child complains
that they’re being bullied the school
has to conduct an investigation it has
to interrogate all of the children
involved it has to look for witnesses it
has to interrogate teachers they have to
meet with the parents of the children
involved they’re supposed to write out
detailed reports about the bullying and
their investigation and the judgment and
processing a single bullying complaint
can easily take ten or more hours of
staff time time that can be used for
education this is a very time and money
consuming process and the investigation
process doesn’t stop the bullying it
makes it worse because let’s say you
insulted me I tell the teacher on you
and you get sent to the principal’s
office for bullying me are you going to
admit that you’re guilty if you’re like
most people you’re going to defend
yourself and blame me are you going to
like me better if I get you investigated
you’re gonna hate me you’re gonna try to
turn all of your friends against me
you’re going to tell them that I’m a
snitch
you’re going to try to do something
worse to me afterwards then I’ll tell on
you again and you’ll be investigated
again and you’re gonna become more angry
at me you now feel like you’re a
terrible victim of me because what I did
to you is much worse than what you did
to me and the more I get you
investigated the more the hatred between
us builds up and it may even lead to
serious violence if you carefully read
the news stories about bullying that led
to serious violence you will see that
almost always happened after the school
authorities got involved try to make the
bullying stop but the idea of an
anti-bullying law sounds so good that
when the laws don’t work everybody
thinks the solution is to toughen up the
laws instead of getting rid of them now
does this mean there’s no hope that
we’re stuck with this bullying epidemic
not at all there is the solution to
bullying and it’s been known for
thousands of years it’s almost
effortless it takes up almost no staff
time so that the teachers can spend
their times their time teaching instead
of judging and punishing the solution is
for the schools to stop acting like a
law enforcement agency and be an
educational institution children don’t
go to schools to be protected from
reading and writing and science and
social studies we have to help them
master the academic challenges of life
life has social challenges bullying goes
on throughout the lifetime children
deserve to be taught how to handle it
the solution to bullying has been known
for thousands of years and is called the
Golden Rule
this is treat others the way you want
them to treat you
the truth is many bullying programs
declare that they promote the golden
rule but they fail through
bullying because they think that the
Golden Rule means don’t be a bully
you have to be nice to people we don’t
need the Golden Rule for such an obvious
message that we shouldn’t be mean to
people and we should be nice to people
it’s self-evident that it’s wrong to be
mean and it’s good to be nice does
anybody here have a hard time getting
along with people who are nice to you
anybody it’s easy to get along with
people when they’re nice the problem is
what do you do when they’re mean to you
that’s the hard part the golden rule is
not about not being a bully it’s about
not being a victim it teaches how not to
be a victim
what are you doing people are mean to
you and the answer is be nice back to
them but this is the hard part because
it’s against our nature to be nice to
people who are mean to us a lot of
people think that this is a recipe for
losing the golden rule is a recipe for
winning and it creates a win-win
situation this is the way it works
human beings are programmed for
reciprocity
it means we treat others the way they
treat us if you think the back you’ll
realize we’re all like this who here
feels in your gut like being mean to
people who are nice to you anyone any
psychopaths here know we feel like being
nice back who here feels in your gut
like being nice to people who are mean
to you we feel like being mean back we
couldn’t roll it but this is what our
regrets tell us to be nice to those who
are nice to us and mean to those who are
mean to us but if I live like this today
I have very little control over my
relationships if you’re nice to me I’ll
be nice back to you and we’ll be friends
but if you’re mean to me I’ll be mean to
you
the enemies so I tell myself why don’t I
need enemies for I want people being my
friends I know that you’re programmed
for reciprocity just as I am so even if
you’re a mean to me I’m going to be nice
to you and before long you’re gonna
start being nice to me because you’re
programmed to treat me the way I treat
you the most common form of bullying is
verbal it’s insults and even the great
mature your physical sites begin with
words so if you know how to deal with
verbal attacks most physical aggression
also is avoided the solution to verbal
bullying is freedom of speech
anti-bullying laws have repealed freedom
of speech they have made it a crime to
say anything that could offend anybody
else but it’s because the bullying
experts believe that freedom of speech
makes bullying possible no freedom of
speech is a solution to bullying freedom
of speech is mandated by the Golden Rule
just like we want to feel free to say
what we want without people getting
angry at us and punishing us we have to
let other people say what they want no
matter how much we don’t like it without
getting angry at them and punishing them
I’m going to demonstrate how the Golden
Rule and freedom of speech are the
solution to verbal bullying I’m going to
do this with the help of Bill who spoke
earlier I’m going to be doing an
improvisational role play with him this
is not rehearsed he does not know what
a bill let’s say I’m gay
I hope I’m openly gay I’ve come out of
the closet and you hate gay people with
a passion and you’re going to insult me
for being gay and don’t let me stop you
go ahead dude I just heard you were gay
is that true yeah I’m gay and I’m proud
of them don’t you’re a natural man what
am i natural what does that mean it
means you’re unnatural natural what are
you talking about people have been
engaged throughout history I don’t care
about that you’re not like the rest of
us you got not like the rest of us I’m
human being just like you are you nasty
you tonight nasty what are you talking
about I’m not nasty yeah you do nasty
things I don’t do nasty stuff what is it
loving another human being is nasty can
you call that loving in the cumin
there’s nothing in our human biggest not
nasty it’s unnatural it’s completely
natural in your world maybe but not in
the rest of us in this world you’re
behind the times there’s nothing wrong
with being gay dude you’re from okay
good job good job all right don’t go
away don’t go away bills that I make you
want to stop calling me gay no could you
respect me for my behavior
with difficulty with difficulty was I
make you have more respect for gay
people in general no I’m confirming the
way you feel absolutely would you want
to be my friend if I treat you this way
probably not you’re just confirming
everything that I supposedly didn’t like
in the first right now we’re gonna do it
again and this time I’m going to treat
you like a friend that give you a
freedom of speech put me down
all you want for being gay go ahead you
know I’ve never liked gay people I don’t
know where they come from I just don’t
get it you folk sir I don’t get it man I
don’t know where the hell you people
come from I know you know when I think
about what it’s like to be straight I
find it kind of disgusting too I didn’t
expect you to say that well
that’s it’s maybe a Sun it’s not it’s
just it’s not as disgusting as what you
guys do I know I can understand why you
feel that way
but you know it bill it’s so tough to be
gay bill do you know what the difference
is between being gay and being a black
oh boy
in some respects in terms of the general
public at large probably not a whole lot
of difference I’ll tell you if you’re
black you don’t have to tell your
parents right so I will turn you into a
less prejudiced person all by myself if
I treat you like a friend and give you a
freedom of speech now the first Tommy
role played it looked like I was trying
to stop you from putting me down for
being gay I wasn’t stopping you I was
making you do it even more I was making
you to seek me I was looking like a fool
you having a great time you were egging
me on exactly the second time I let you
insult me I did nothing to stop you and
then you wanted to stop you felt foolish
putting me down but now you like me and
you want to be my friend
you took the wind right out of my sails
so freedom of speech is the solution to
verbal bullying thank you very much well
bullying goes on throughout the lifetime
children deserve to be taught how to
deal with it it’s so easy we just have
to do it in the right way and stop
teaching them to think like victims
thank you [Applause]
the world has been waging war against
bullying for 18 years the world is
losing I’ve always had a knack for
seeing simple things that most people
don’t notice and for coming up with
simple solutions to problems I began my
career as a school psychologist and
psychotherapist 40 years ago I think I
was subconsciously drawn to the therapy
field because of my parents relationship
my parents hate each other with a
passion
they were both Holocaust survivors and
each of them would tell me that they
escaped Hitler only turned up with their
own personal Hitler all of my parents
friends and relatives spent hours with
them playing amateur psychologists
trying to get to the root of their
problems with us finally get along with
each other
everybody failed when I began working it
quickly became obvious to me that’s a
number one complaint of people is how
others treat them everybody sells
victimized by somebody in their lives
and they didn’t understand why this
person kept on being mean to them
they’re getting upset and they keep on
treating them badly
I was lucky thanks to some things I
learned in my psychology courses and in
practical workshops on the job I found I
can use role playing very successfully
to teach people why they were being
tormented and how to make it stop I
didn’t realize that at the time because
I had never heard the word bullying
being used in psychology before but what
I had become was an expert of teaching
how teaching people how to stop being
victimized how to stop being bullied
now bullying today is varied there
friends from what it was when I was
growing up bullying Houston mean give me
your lunch money I’ll beat you up after
school or a big kid beating up a smaller
kid just for the fun of it
this is criminal behavior it’s assault
and battery it’s extortion this is
illegal people deserve to be protected
from such behaviors and those who
committed the Seraph to be punished
today bullying is being used to refer to
all negative behavior anything that can
upset anybody else is bullying most
bullying is verbal it’s insults
name-calling rumors its gestures like
they’re sticking out your middle singer
or I rolling I rolling is called
bullying today it’s social exclusion you
can sit at our lunch table it’s a normal
pushing and shoving that kids do to each
other without injuring anybody all of
this is now bullying bullying is also
being referred to a situation that’s
repetitive if somebody picks on you once
in a blue moon that’s no big deal
but if they’re picking on you almost
every day or every day that really
drives you nuts and that’s called
bullying please be aware that bullying
does not only refer to kids in school
bullying goes on in the lifetime it
happens it’s work it happens within the
family in a teen years ago there was an
event that was so horrific that it
shocked the world and changed the face
of Education the Columbine High School
massacre of April 20th Hitler’s birthday
1999 made it impossible to ignore the
fact that just about all school
shootings are committed by victims of
bullying it was also well known that
many children who commit suicide are
victims of bullying
in just about every classroom in every
school in the world there are one or two
kids who are being picked on every day
by these people by their peers and these
kids are absolutely miserable but the
United States and much of the world
decided we had enough with these
shootings enough with suicides we’re
going to declare war on bullying there
was as previously of school obscure
field of psychology the bullying
psychology that stepped up to the plate
with the promise that they had the
solution to bullying ultimately their
approach to the problem was adopted by
every state of the Union this psychology
became mandated by law when I saw what
this psychology teaches I realized this
can’t possibly work it’s going to make
everything worse what they’re doing is
promoting a victim mentality the very
things that cause people to be bullied
they are presenting as the right thing
to do the philosophy behind the bullying
psychology is you’re entitled to a life
in which nobody is repeatedly mean to
you if people are mean to you please
don’t think it has anything to do with
you it’s only because of them if people
are being mean to you it is not your
responsibility
to do anything to make them stop just
inform the authorities and the
authorities will make people stop being
mean to you there is no serious school
of psychology or philosophy or religion
in the world that teaches this approach
to life anybody who lives like this is
going to be miserable and have terrible
relationships why do we have to show for
18 years of bullying warfare
anti-bullying warfare it’s getting worse
children are committing suicide in
record numbers parents are suing schools
left and right for failing to stop their
children from being bullied research has
found that children are more likely to
be bullied in a school that has an
anti-bullying program that in a school
that doesn’t researchers have found that
the most effective state anti-bullying
laws reduce bullying complaints by about
20 percent
that’s an 80 percent failure rate I was
trained to see the entire school as my
client if there’s something bad for the
entire school it’s going to be bad for
the individual members of the school
anti-bullying laws are about the worst
thing that ever happened to schools
anti-bullying laws don’t make bullying
magically disappear from a school what
they do is they hold the school legally
responsible for making the bullying
disappear the laws make it easy for
parents to sue schools for failing to
these laws are holding the school is
responsible for accomplishing the
impossible how can we hold schools
responsible for making bullying stop
when the programs and the laws don’t
work anti-bullying laws are a catch-22
the very effort to comply with them is
likely to make the situation worse the
purpose of the anti-bullying psychology
is to reduce hatred between people this
psychology psychology is promoting
hatred there’s a best-selling book for
preschoolers called I hate bullies
imagine from preschool you’re being
taught to hate bullies I came across
this poster on the internet that says
the only good bully is a dead one you
can say the most
things about bullies today and it’s
perfectly okay anti-bullying laws are
transforming schools from educational
institutions into totalitarian police
systems children have lost all privacy
everything that children say and do to
each other is now the business of the
schools and not only during the school’s
a 24/7 schools are instructing children
that if they’re bullied or a witness
bully bullying they have to inform the
school authorities so children are being
instructed to be spies and informers on
each other today if a child complains
that they’re being bullied the school
has to conduct an investigation it has
to interrogate all of the children
involved it has to look for witnesses it
has to interrogate teachers they have to
meet with the parents of the children
involved they’re supposed to write out
detailed reports about the bullying and
their investigation and the judgment and
processing a single bullying complaint
can easily take ten or more hours of
staff time time that can be used for
education this is a very time and money
consuming process and the investigation
process doesn’t stop the bullying it
makes it worse because let’s say you
insulted me I tell the teacher on you
and you get sent to the principal’s
office for bullying me are you going to
admit that you’re guilty if you’re like
most people you’re going to defend
yourself and blame me are you going to
like me better if I get you investigated
you’re gonna hate me you’re gonna try to
turn all of your friends against me
you’re going to tell them that I’m a
snitch
you’re going to try to do something
worse to me afterwards then I’ll tell on
you again and you’ll be investigated
again and you’re gonna become more angry
at me you now feel like you’re a
terrible victim of me because what I did
to you is much worse than what you did
to me and the more I get you
investigated the more the hatred between
us builds up and it may even lead to
serious violence if you carefully read
the news stories about bullying that led
to serious violence you will see that
almost always happened after the school
authorities got involved try to make the
bullying stop but the idea of an
anti-bullying law sounds so good that
when the laws don’t work everybody
thinks the solution is to toughen up the
laws instead of getting rid of them now
does this mean there’s no hope that
we’re stuck with this bullying epidemic
not at all there is the solution to
bullying and it’s been known for
thousands of years it’s almost
effortless it takes up almost no staff
time so that the teachers can spend
their times their time teaching instead
of judging and punishing the solution is
for the schools to stop acting like a
law enforcement agency and be an
educational institution children don’t
go to schools to be protected from
reading and writing and science and
social studies we have to help them
master the academic challenges of life
life has social challenges bullying goes
on throughout the lifetime children
deserve to be taught how to handle it
the solution to bullying has been known
for thousands of years and is called the
Golden Rule
this is treat others the way you want
them to treat you
the truth is many bullying programs
declare that they promote the golden
rule but they fail through
bullying because they think that the
Golden Rule means don’t be a bully
you have to be nice to people we don’t
need the Golden Rule for such an obvious
message that we shouldn’t be mean to
people and we should be nice to people
it’s self-evident that it’s wrong to be
mean and it’s good to be nice does
anybody here have a hard time getting
along with people who are nice to you
anybody it’s easy to get along with
people when they’re nice the problem is
what do you do when they’re mean to you
that’s the hard part the golden rule is
not about not being a bully it’s about
not being a victim it teaches how not to
be a victim
what are you doing people are mean to
you and the answer is be nice back to
them but this is the hard part because
it’s against our nature to be nice to
people who are mean to us a lot of
people think that this is a recipe for
losing the golden rule is a recipe for
winning and it creates a win-win
situation this is the way it works
human beings are programmed for
reciprocity
it means we treat others the way they
treat us if you think the back you’ll
realize we’re all like this who here
feels in your gut like being mean to
people who are nice to you anyone any
psychopaths here know we feel like being
nice back who here feels in your gut
like being nice to people who are mean
to you we feel like being mean back we
couldn’t roll it but this is what our
regrets tell us to be nice to those who
are nice to us and mean to those who are
mean to us but if I live like this today
I have very little control over my
relationships if you’re nice to me I’ll
be nice back to you and we’ll be friends
but if you’re mean to me I’ll be mean to
you
the enemies so I tell myself why don’t I
need enemies for I want people being my
friends I know that you’re programmed
for reciprocity just as I am so even if
you’re a mean to me I’m going to be nice
to you and before long you’re gonna
start being nice to me because you’re
programmed to treat me the way I treat
you the most common form of bullying is
verbal it’s insults and even the great
mature your physical sites begin with
words so if you know how to deal with
verbal attacks most physical aggression
also is avoided the solution to verbal
bullying is freedom of speech
anti-bullying laws have repealed freedom
of speech they have made it a crime to
say anything that could offend anybody
else but it’s because the bullying
experts believe that freedom of speech
makes bullying possible no freedom of
speech is a solution to bullying freedom
of speech is mandated by the Golden Rule
just like we want to feel free to say
what we want without people getting
angry at us and punishing us we have to
let other people say what they want no
matter how much we don’t like it without
getting angry at them and punishing them
I’m going to demonstrate how the Golden
Rule and freedom of speech are the
solution to verbal bullying I’m going to
do this with the help of Bill who spoke
earlier I’m going to be doing an
improvisational role play with him this
is not rehearsed he does not know what
a bill let’s say I’m gay
I hope I’m openly gay I’ve come out of
the closet and you hate gay people with
a passion and you’re going to insult me
for being gay and don’t let me stop you
go ahead dude I just heard you were gay
is that true yeah I’m gay and I’m proud
of them don’t you’re a natural man what
am i natural what does that mean it
means you’re unnatural natural what are
you talking about people have been
engaged throughout history I don’t care
about that you’re not like the rest of
us you got not like the rest of us I’m
human being just like you are you nasty
you tonight nasty what are you talking
about I’m not nasty yeah you do nasty
things I don’t do nasty stuff what is it
loving another human being is nasty can
you call that loving in the cumin
there’s nothing in our human biggest not
nasty it’s unnatural it’s completely
natural in your world maybe but not in
the rest of us in this world you’re
behind the times there’s nothing wrong
with being gay dude you’re from okay
good job good job all right don’t go
away don’t go away bills that I make you
want to stop calling me gay no could you
respect me for my behavior
with difficulty with difficulty was I
make you have more respect for gay
people in general no I’m confirming the
way you feel absolutely would you want
to be my friend if I treat you this way
probably not you’re just confirming
everything that I supposedly didn’t like
in the first right now we’re gonna do it
again and this time I’m going to treat
you like a friend that give you a
freedom of speech put me down
all you want for being gay go ahead you
know I’ve never liked gay people I don’t
know where they come from I just don’t
get it you folk sir I don’t get it man I
don’t know where the hell you people
come from I know you know when I think
about what it’s like to be straight I
find it kind of disgusting too I didn’t
expect you to say that well
that’s it’s maybe a Sun it’s not it’s
just it’s not as disgusting as what you
guys do I know I can understand why you
feel that way
but you know it bill it’s so tough to be
gay bill do you know what the difference
is between being gay and being a black
oh boy
in some respects in terms of the general
public at large probably not a whole lot
of difference I’ll tell you if you’re
black you don’t have to tell your
parents right so I will turn you into a
less prejudiced person all by myself if
I treat you like a friend and give you a
freedom of speech now the first Tommy
role played it looked like I was trying
to stop you from putting me down for
being gay I wasn’t stopping you I was
making you do it even more I was making
you to seek me I was looking like a fool
you having a great time you were egging
me on exactly the second time I let you
insult me I did nothing to stop you and
then you wanted to stop you felt foolish
putting me down but now you like me and
you want to be my friend
you took the wind right out of my sails
so freedom of speech is the solution to
verbal bullying thank you very much well
bullying goes on throughout the lifetime
children deserve to be taught how to
deal with it it’s so easy we just have
to do it in the right way and stop
teaching them to think like victims
thank you [Applause]
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