nothing in my life had prepared me for
dealing with grief I’m sorry I just told
you all a lie the truth is everything
that I’d ever learned about having my
heart broken had prepared me for dealing
with grief the problem is I would just
never taught how to do it the things
that I was being taught
we’re either incorrect not true or just
not helpful why are we never taught how
to grieve properly some of my earliest
memories are where I first learned to
deal with grief and loss I was in
elementary school and I was bullied by
an older girl when she slapped me across
the face I went running to my teacher
crying and after she heard the story she
stood up and announced to the entire
class of five-year-olds that it was
imperative that you take a buddy with
you when going to the restroom never
once did she address my broken heart my
burning face or my loss of trust or
safety and then there was the time when
I was 14 years old it was 3 o’clock in
the morning and the house phone was
ringing off the hook I ran into the
kitchen answering my uncle was on the
other end of the line he was looking for
my parents he needed them to come to the
hospital because my aunt was very ill
about a week after that initial phone
call my aunt passed away from a brain
aneurysm I remember being so scared but
bless my parents hearts there are these
amazing servers and they stayed with my
uncle and family and helped them with
all of the arrangements but they didn’t
come home and talk to us about death or
dying or what it means to grieve I don’t
blame them they probably were never
taught how to grieve either and then
when the worst life-altering event
occurred the day I will never forget as
long as I live
June 17 2006
I received a call that my 10 year old
nephew Austin had drowned while at the
lake with my family it was a Father’s
Day weekend I felt as if a knife was
stabbed clear through my heart I
remember thinking I can’t breathe it was
like all of the oxygen was being taken
out of the room my knees went weak and I
fell to the ground the second part of
that day that I will never forget is the
look of my baby sister’s face when I
want to tell her Austin was dead she
didn’t say a word these two big eyes
just staring back at me her facial
expression said it all
please Sharon tell me something good and
this little voice inside my head said
just tell her the truth
I’m sorry Erica Austin drowned and then
she went running from me screaming I was
so naive where grief was concerned I
didn’t know anything about it I
literally thought that only Erica and
her husband Lewis were gonna grieve I
thought that we were to be strong for
them the exact same thing I’ve seen my
parents two years earlier when my aunt
passed away part of my being strong for
her meant that I called her every day to
check on her and one of those early
conversations she and I realized that we
had learned this thing called the stages
of grief
something like denial anger it was
something like that I’m one of my very
next phone call she told me that she was
an anger anger who are you mad at are
you mad at Lewis are you mad at the
people that were on the trip no I could
never be mad at them she said and then
we contemplated whether she really
thought she might be mad at Austin she
said maybe I just can’t believe that
we were so confused
we really didn’t understand months after
Austin died I remember on one of the
conversations she said to me today I’m
in denial and I was like denial how
could she be at denial so I lowered my
voice and I leaned into the phone and I
said Erica you know Austin died we had a
funeral you were there and after a long
pause she said to me maybe I just can’t
believe that this happened to me we had
so many questions where the stages were
concerned we couldn’t figure them out
when do you enter the stages does
everyone enter the stages how long are
you in the stages do the stages go into
order you guys can see grieving can be
so confusing about a year after Austin
died I was introduced to a program
called the grief recovery method I
signed myself up and I signed Erica up
without her permission and I forced her
to go on the very first day while we
were in the class our instructor shared
with us that there were no stages to
grief recovery it was amazing she said
Sharon consider some alternatives
consider that someone may experience a
reduced concentration a sense of
numbness a rollercoaster of emotions a
change in eating habits disrupted sleep
patterns but no stages the other thing
that she said to us that I absolutely
loved there is no closure in grief
closure the definition a finality
accepting of what once was and letting
go I knew beyond a reasonable doubt that
I was not closing the door on my
relationship with Austin she said
consider completing your relationship
with Austin you’ve walked a journey with
him
moment he entered your life on March 2nd
1996 and that journey was cut way short
when he was taken from you consider
coming full circle with Austin after I
completed my relationship with Austin
the knife that had been stabbed in my
heart was removed Erica and I were able
to talk about him fond memories of him
return we could laugh we went to places
that we had taken him to before and we
enjoyed them where that knife was
removed a hole will forever be in my
heart I will forever miss Austin 22
year-old Austin I wish was right here
right now I wish he was sitting in this
audience with you guys but he’s not and
that’s okay because there is no pain I
can assure you of that after I completed
grief recovery I went to Erica and I
said we have to help people
what if there’s other people out there
like us what if there are other people
who don’t know how to grieve she agreed
and we both went to the grief recovery
Institute and we studied and we became
advanced
certified grief recovery specialists one
of the first things I decided to do
after becoming an advanced certified
grief recovery specialist was to study
out the stages of grief how is it that
these stages got attached to grief when
I knew from personal experience that
they didn’t work 1969 on death and dying
on death and dying is a book written by
dr. Elisabeth kübler-ross dr.
kubler-ross was a psychiatrist that
specialized in terminally ill and
patients on hospice she was a huge
supporter of hospice dr. kubler-ross
did the study for her book on well over
200 dying patients she and her interns
would interview these patients after the
interview they would retreat to her
office she would then start to talk with
the interns about how they thought the
dying
was handling the terminal illness and
the process to make this part of the
interview a little bit easier dr. Cooper
Ross is said to have created a list of
10 stages so that the interns could
quickly place them these stages were
never meant for the dying person when
you read her book many times over and
over again
dr. kubler-ross talks about the
terminally ill patient not the grieving
patient even in the chapter on family
one of her last chapters of the book she
talks about how the family is handling
the terminal illness even when she talks
about grieving when the family is
grieving she says something that is so
true that the griever needs to talk and
they need to be listened to and heard
with respect around the early 1970s dr.
kubler-ross his book began being used in
medical schools when these medical
students graduated they took the book on
death and dying with them into their
practices when they became psychiatrists
I’m here to tell you today that a huge
disservice was done to us in society
when someone took the book on death and
associated it with grief but dr.
kubler-ross
left us a huge clue right on the cover
of her book where she states what the
dying have to teach doctors nurses
clergy and their family this book was
never meant for grieving grief is a
normal and natural reaction to a loss of
any kind let me repeat that grief is
normal and grief is a natural process
that we were never taught how to do
until now
grief happens here in our heart it does
not happen here in our brain my friends
grievers are not broken they do not need
to be fixed we know as grief recovery
specialists that a griever can
experience well over 40 or more known
people think it’s just associated with
death because that’s what they use it
most often with but what about divorce
breakup of a romantic relationship movie
leaving all your friends and family
behind financial changes I have used the
tool of grief recovery to recover from
every brokenness in my heart I grieved
all the pain left over from my childhood
I grieved the death of my father from
four years ago I grieved the death of my
very best friend of 15 years Sharon they
both died of cancer I grieved a failed
business venture for many years ago I
grieve the death of Austin’s brother
Donovan
yes you heard me right we’ve lost two
nephews but I’m not telling you that
story today because Erica will tell it
on her talk love loss and recovery I
grieved the loss of a non-typical
grandchild born into my family my most
beautiful granddaughter and her name is
ever and she was diagnosed with severe
nonverbal autism I grieved the loss of
the hopes dreams and expectations that
my daughter had would having her first
daughter so you can see grief recovery
can be used for so many things breaking
through the idea of five neat clean
little stages will take time for the
medical field and society to catch up
there is a process to recover from grief
it is not a list of stages I want to
take you guys back to the beginning of
my talk let’s imagine that I’m at the
beginning and I’m five years old and I’m
in the classroom and I get bullied I run
back to my classroom to my teacher what
if instead of trying to fix me she
listened to my story what if she got
down on her knees
and said Sharon I’m so sorry that this
has happened to you what if she gave me
a hug instead of trying to fix it
what if she gathered all of my friends
around and we sat on the carpet and we
talked about what it means to grieve be
fearful and have a broken heart what if
at five years old I began to have the
beginning stages of understanding what
it means to process grief what if we
could all learn how to recover from
grief I do believe that we can live in a
world where we can all recover from our
grief I have that for me and I want it
for you too
Austin thank you very much [Applause]
dealing with grief I’m sorry I just told
you all a lie the truth is everything
that I’d ever learned about having my
heart broken had prepared me for dealing
with grief the problem is I would just
never taught how to do it the things
that I was being taught
we’re either incorrect not true or just
not helpful why are we never taught how
to grieve properly some of my earliest
memories are where I first learned to
deal with grief and loss I was in
elementary school and I was bullied by
an older girl when she slapped me across
the face I went running to my teacher
crying and after she heard the story she
stood up and announced to the entire
class of five-year-olds that it was
imperative that you take a buddy with
you when going to the restroom never
once did she address my broken heart my
burning face or my loss of trust or
safety and then there was the time when
I was 14 years old it was 3 o’clock in
the morning and the house phone was
ringing off the hook I ran into the
kitchen answering my uncle was on the
other end of the line he was looking for
my parents he needed them to come to the
hospital because my aunt was very ill
about a week after that initial phone
call my aunt passed away from a brain
aneurysm I remember being so scared but
bless my parents hearts there are these
amazing servers and they stayed with my
uncle and family and helped them with
all of the arrangements but they didn’t
come home and talk to us about death or
dying or what it means to grieve I don’t
blame them they probably were never
taught how to grieve either and then
when the worst life-altering event
occurred the day I will never forget as
long as I live
June 17 2006
I received a call that my 10 year old
nephew Austin had drowned while at the
lake with my family it was a Father’s
Day weekend I felt as if a knife was
stabbed clear through my heart I
remember thinking I can’t breathe it was
like all of the oxygen was being taken
out of the room my knees went weak and I
fell to the ground the second part of
that day that I will never forget is the
look of my baby sister’s face when I
want to tell her Austin was dead she
didn’t say a word these two big eyes
just staring back at me her facial
expression said it all
please Sharon tell me something good and
this little voice inside my head said
just tell her the truth
I’m sorry Erica Austin drowned and then
she went running from me screaming I was
so naive where grief was concerned I
didn’t know anything about it I
literally thought that only Erica and
her husband Lewis were gonna grieve I
thought that we were to be strong for
them the exact same thing I’ve seen my
parents two years earlier when my aunt
passed away part of my being strong for
her meant that I called her every day to
check on her and one of those early
conversations she and I realized that we
had learned this thing called the stages
of grief
something like denial anger it was
something like that I’m one of my very
next phone call she told me that she was
an anger anger who are you mad at are
you mad at Lewis are you mad at the
people that were on the trip no I could
never be mad at them she said and then
we contemplated whether she really
thought she might be mad at Austin she
said maybe I just can’t believe that
we were so confused
we really didn’t understand months after
Austin died I remember on one of the
conversations she said to me today I’m
in denial and I was like denial how
could she be at denial so I lowered my
voice and I leaned into the phone and I
said Erica you know Austin died we had a
funeral you were there and after a long
pause she said to me maybe I just can’t
believe that this happened to me we had
so many questions where the stages were
concerned we couldn’t figure them out
when do you enter the stages does
everyone enter the stages how long are
you in the stages do the stages go into
order you guys can see grieving can be
so confusing about a year after Austin
died I was introduced to a program
called the grief recovery method I
signed myself up and I signed Erica up
without her permission and I forced her
to go on the very first day while we
were in the class our instructor shared
with us that there were no stages to
grief recovery it was amazing she said
Sharon consider some alternatives
consider that someone may experience a
reduced concentration a sense of
numbness a rollercoaster of emotions a
change in eating habits disrupted sleep
patterns but no stages the other thing
that she said to us that I absolutely
loved there is no closure in grief
closure the definition a finality
accepting of what once was and letting
go I knew beyond a reasonable doubt that
I was not closing the door on my
relationship with Austin she said
consider completing your relationship
with Austin you’ve walked a journey with
him
moment he entered your life on March 2nd
1996 and that journey was cut way short
when he was taken from you consider
coming full circle with Austin after I
completed my relationship with Austin
the knife that had been stabbed in my
heart was removed Erica and I were able
to talk about him fond memories of him
return we could laugh we went to places
that we had taken him to before and we
enjoyed them where that knife was
removed a hole will forever be in my
heart I will forever miss Austin 22
year-old Austin I wish was right here
right now I wish he was sitting in this
audience with you guys but he’s not and
that’s okay because there is no pain I
can assure you of that after I completed
grief recovery I went to Erica and I
said we have to help people
what if there’s other people out there
like us what if there are other people
who don’t know how to grieve she agreed
and we both went to the grief recovery
Institute and we studied and we became
advanced
certified grief recovery specialists one
of the first things I decided to do
after becoming an advanced certified
grief recovery specialist was to study
out the stages of grief how is it that
these stages got attached to grief when
I knew from personal experience that
they didn’t work 1969 on death and dying
on death and dying is a book written by
dr. Elisabeth kübler-ross dr.
kubler-ross was a psychiatrist that
specialized in terminally ill and
patients on hospice she was a huge
supporter of hospice dr. kubler-ross
did the study for her book on well over
200 dying patients she and her interns
would interview these patients after the
interview they would retreat to her
office she would then start to talk with
the interns about how they thought the
dying
was handling the terminal illness and
the process to make this part of the
interview a little bit easier dr. Cooper
Ross is said to have created a list of
10 stages so that the interns could
quickly place them these stages were
never meant for the dying person when
you read her book many times over and
over again
dr. kubler-ross talks about the
terminally ill patient not the grieving
patient even in the chapter on family
one of her last chapters of the book she
talks about how the family is handling
the terminal illness even when she talks
about grieving when the family is
grieving she says something that is so
true that the griever needs to talk and
they need to be listened to and heard
with respect around the early 1970s dr.
kubler-ross his book began being used in
medical schools when these medical
students graduated they took the book on
death and dying with them into their
practices when they became psychiatrists
I’m here to tell you today that a huge
disservice was done to us in society
when someone took the book on death and
associated it with grief but dr.
kubler-ross
left us a huge clue right on the cover
of her book where she states what the
dying have to teach doctors nurses
clergy and their family this book was
never meant for grieving grief is a
normal and natural reaction to a loss of
any kind let me repeat that grief is
normal and grief is a natural process
that we were never taught how to do
until now
grief happens here in our heart it does
not happen here in our brain my friends
grievers are not broken they do not need
to be fixed we know as grief recovery
specialists that a griever can
experience well over 40 or more known
people think it’s just associated with
death because that’s what they use it
most often with but what about divorce
breakup of a romantic relationship movie
leaving all your friends and family
behind financial changes I have used the
tool of grief recovery to recover from
every brokenness in my heart I grieved
all the pain left over from my childhood
I grieved the death of my father from
four years ago I grieved the death of my
very best friend of 15 years Sharon they
both died of cancer I grieved a failed
business venture for many years ago I
grieve the death of Austin’s brother
Donovan
yes you heard me right we’ve lost two
nephews but I’m not telling you that
story today because Erica will tell it
on her talk love loss and recovery I
grieved the loss of a non-typical
grandchild born into my family my most
beautiful granddaughter and her name is
ever and she was diagnosed with severe
nonverbal autism I grieved the loss of
the hopes dreams and expectations that
my daughter had would having her first
daughter so you can see grief recovery
can be used for so many things breaking
through the idea of five neat clean
little stages will take time for the
medical field and society to catch up
there is a process to recover from grief
it is not a list of stages I want to
take you guys back to the beginning of
my talk let’s imagine that I’m at the
beginning and I’m five years old and I’m
in the classroom and I get bullied I run
back to my classroom to my teacher what
if instead of trying to fix me she
listened to my story what if she got
down on her knees
and said Sharon I’m so sorry that this
has happened to you what if she gave me
a hug instead of trying to fix it
what if she gathered all of my friends
around and we sat on the carpet and we
talked about what it means to grieve be
fearful and have a broken heart what if
at five years old I began to have the
beginning stages of understanding what
it means to process grief what if we
could all learn how to recover from
grief I do believe that we can live in a
world where we can all recover from our
grief I have that for me and I want it
for you too
Austin thank you very much [Applause]
Please follow and like us: