ten years ago I sat in a support group
and listened to a woman named Alice
changed my life she was talking about
her relationship seems that she was
involved in an alcoholic an abusive one
a neglectful one and then Alice started
to cry she started to talk about the
sadness shame and sorrow of doing
something again and again it turns out
in her talk that Alice had been married
twice before both failed marriages both
two alcoholics
so she asked the group why do I do this
why do I keep making the same mistake
over and over and over again
ironically I walked out of there with
the same thought why would she make the
same mistake over and over and over
again people always seek positive in
their relationships but how would she
keep seeming to seek the negative around
the same time I saw a program about
cheetahs and the program a cheetah
mother was chasing a gazelle and the
narrator was talking about this is how
cheetah mother’s teach their cubs how to
hunt but there was no instruction
involved there was never a single point
where the cheetah mother said okay I’m
gonna draw a picture of a gazelle the
dirt here here’s how fast you have to
run here’s where you gotta bite it on
the neck and then here’s what you do to
eat it
somehow these cheetah cubs learned
everything without being taught anything
at all I started to wonder if there was
a connection between the two
after all we evolved from animals and
our brain chemistry our brain biology
still very similar maybe there were some
things in Alice’s childhood that she was
picking up that were influencing the
behaviors and actions she would take on
for the rest of her life maybe I thought
Alice’s choices and relationships
weren’t really her choices at all I was
so curious about this that I did a paper
that had nothing at so ever to do with
my doctoral degree because I wanted to
know the answer I wanted to look into
child development to see what I found
and what I found were mirror neurons now
mirror neurons are cells in our brain
that actually help us mirror the actions
behaviors of people around us in order
to help
develop his children see as kids we
can’t talk we can’t write we can’t do
all the things that we’re used to doing
as far as instruction but that doesn’t
mean we stop developing
we still need to develop we need to
survive in this new environment you’ve
entered that’s where the mirror neurons
kick in they teach us without us being
taught and they’re involved in
everything they teach us how to use cops
because we can mirror the action of the
hand going up to the mouth they teach
all of us our languages because we mimic
the sounds we hear all the time again
mirror neurons use your sight and your
sound to help you survive this new
environment now there’s a bit of an
issue with that what if the information
they’re getting is incorrect see mirror
neurons are based on the fact that
everything they pick up is legitimate
everything that they’re learning
everything you’re getting is gonna help
you later on in life what if the
messages you’re getting are incorrect
what if the behaviors you’re learning
end up causing you problems later in
life these mirror neurons can’t tell the
difference between good and bad they’re
not programmed that way they’re just
simply accept what comes in and move on
from there
now this isn’t a problem if you’re a
cheetah cub
I mean cheetah cubs been hunting the
same way for a thousand years and
probably will hunt the way for a
thousand more it becomes a bit trickier
for humans though doesn’t it because we
are constantly bombarded by mixed
messages and examples of behavior that
don’t work in society particularly those
who have alcoholism in your family the
American addiction center said almost
half of us have the alcoholism problem
alcoholism in our homes as children the
American Academy of infant and child or
excuse me
the American Academy of Child and
Adolescent Psychiatry says one in five
of us one in five have an alcoholic
parent but our mirror neurons can’t
defend us from this they just simply
take the information in and assume
they’re good so let’s go back to Alice
for a second when she’s a baby she’s
born her mirror neurons start taking in
everything they started to find
her world for her what’s a crib what’s a
bandana what’s the color red everything
key to this development will be how she
sees and understands man woman and the
relationship between them so what is she
gonna do she’s gonna take the examples
she sees every day the people she will
later call her mom and dad this becomes
huge because she watches all of their
behavior
she mimics the sounds that they make and
she recognizes the personality traits as
being that of real men women in
relationship so every now and then every
woman that she will see from then on in
if she resembles her mother she will be
considered a real woman she resembles
her father
she’ll be considered a real man and if
the relationship that they have is
something that she sees in other
relationships but in her life she will
consider it a real relationship now not
a problem if you have healthy father
mother figures in your household there
our relationship is healthy because
everything will work
you’ll be drawn to more positive
behaviors but if they aren’t if there’s
issues and dysfunction in the
relationship they’re gonna be called and
pushed and attracted to dysfunctional
people and problematic dramatic
relationships so going back to Alice
let’s fast-forward now 15 20 years when
she starts to date she starts to get all
these men coming into her life but she
needs some way to segregate the good
ones from the not good ones so she goes
with what she knows the definitions for
mirror nuns have established for her
from her very childhood now she’s got a
loving supportive funny father this
isn’t a problem she be attracted the
loving supportive and funny men if the
relationship between her parents was
good and healthy she’s gonna be drawn to
healthy relationships her whole life but
what if they’re not what if her father
was an alcoholic well then she’s gonna
be drawn to alcoholics
not because she wants to but because
that’s the definition of man that she
established in her mirror neurons and
involved alcoholism if there was drama
in the relationship she’s gonna be drawn
to dramatic relationships why because
that’s the only relationship she knew
growing up these are the only definition
she’s had and she’s running with them
without even knowing it see the easiest
way to see this is looking at babies if
you look at babies with their mirror
neurons they’re looking around all over
the place because they’re literally
defining their world every second of
every day the same thing the reason we
mirrored our traits of our parents why
so many of us have behaviors that others
say oh you’re just like your mother oh
you’re just like your father
because these behaviors feel more
legitimate as a man and a woman so when
Alice starts to date whether she likes
it or not she’s gonna be attracted to a
certain type of person the same person
that resembles her father and the same
type of dramatic relationship exemplar
by her parents even if she did run into
a great person a great guy that was
different than this they would find
their way out of her life why because
they didn’t conform to her definition of
real man now it’d be easier to blame her
father on this right easier to say well
if it wasn’t an alcoholic this wouldn’t
be a problem but he’s as powerless as
she is because his mirror neurons when
he was a child
watched his father and if his father was
a drinker he incorporated drinking as
part of being a real man he might not
even like drinking it may hate it but
what he loves about drinking is the fact
that it makes him feel like a real man
now well my research is shown as it
isn’t just Alice all of us have
relationships and people in our life
that resemble in some way shape or form
those early definitions that we
established with our mirror neurons now
I’m not saying this so you’ll all just
freak out and cancel all your
friendships all right I don’t want to
have a slew of emails about the divorce
rate throwing crazy simply because I
gave this talk what I’m here to do is
give you an invitation and an
opportunity
it’s an invitation and take a long hard
look at the messages of your life and
see if like Alice you’re being drawn to
people that you really like people that
bring out the best you or people that
bring out the view that others created
an opportunity to look at those
relationships and change them for the
better because like I said the father
was just as powerless as everyone else
and this is where our parents grew us up
because we pass these things down
generation to generation to generation
without stopping the father is guilty is
the daughter but at the same time nobody
bothers to stop these things
we are simply mirroring the behavior
we’ve picked up in our households over
and over and over again so once you take
that hard look at your relationships
remember there’s comfort in the familiar
our childhood experiences become our
default for life so now you’ve got a
chance to go forth and take a look at
these relationships because the reason
you can solve them the solution you have
to them is surround yourself with people
that love you people that you adore and
be around them all the time
take them to coffee take them to dinner
take them on lunch table movies take
them everywhere the more you around
these people the more you reprogram your
brain to accept different definitions of
man woman in a relationship so that’s
the opportunity go forth now seek out
those relationships find people that
love you and be around them all the time
because when you find happiness in your
relationships you will find a peace and
joy in your life that will work for you
and when you do that you’ll find a peace
a joy and a happiness that will work for
the rest of us as well thank you very
very much [Applause]
and listened to a woman named Alice
changed my life she was talking about
her relationship seems that she was
involved in an alcoholic an abusive one
a neglectful one and then Alice started
to cry she started to talk about the
sadness shame and sorrow of doing
something again and again it turns out
in her talk that Alice had been married
twice before both failed marriages both
two alcoholics
so she asked the group why do I do this
why do I keep making the same mistake
over and over and over again
ironically I walked out of there with
the same thought why would she make the
same mistake over and over and over
again people always seek positive in
their relationships but how would she
keep seeming to seek the negative around
the same time I saw a program about
cheetahs and the program a cheetah
mother was chasing a gazelle and the
narrator was talking about this is how
cheetah mother’s teach their cubs how to
hunt but there was no instruction
involved there was never a single point
where the cheetah mother said okay I’m
gonna draw a picture of a gazelle the
dirt here here’s how fast you have to
run here’s where you gotta bite it on
the neck and then here’s what you do to
eat it
somehow these cheetah cubs learned
everything without being taught anything
at all I started to wonder if there was
a connection between the two
after all we evolved from animals and
our brain chemistry our brain biology
still very similar maybe there were some
things in Alice’s childhood that she was
picking up that were influencing the
behaviors and actions she would take on
for the rest of her life maybe I thought
Alice’s choices and relationships
weren’t really her choices at all I was
so curious about this that I did a paper
that had nothing at so ever to do with
my doctoral degree because I wanted to
know the answer I wanted to look into
child development to see what I found
and what I found were mirror neurons now
mirror neurons are cells in our brain
that actually help us mirror the actions
behaviors of people around us in order
to help
develop his children see as kids we
can’t talk we can’t write we can’t do
all the things that we’re used to doing
as far as instruction but that doesn’t
mean we stop developing
we still need to develop we need to
survive in this new environment you’ve
entered that’s where the mirror neurons
kick in they teach us without us being
taught and they’re involved in
everything they teach us how to use cops
because we can mirror the action of the
hand going up to the mouth they teach
all of us our languages because we mimic
the sounds we hear all the time again
mirror neurons use your sight and your
sound to help you survive this new
environment now there’s a bit of an
issue with that what if the information
they’re getting is incorrect see mirror
neurons are based on the fact that
everything they pick up is legitimate
everything that they’re learning
everything you’re getting is gonna help
you later on in life what if the
messages you’re getting are incorrect
what if the behaviors you’re learning
end up causing you problems later in
life these mirror neurons can’t tell the
difference between good and bad they’re
not programmed that way they’re just
simply accept what comes in and move on
from there
now this isn’t a problem if you’re a
cheetah cub
I mean cheetah cubs been hunting the
same way for a thousand years and
probably will hunt the way for a
thousand more it becomes a bit trickier
for humans though doesn’t it because we
are constantly bombarded by mixed
messages and examples of behavior that
don’t work in society particularly those
who have alcoholism in your family the
American addiction center said almost
half of us have the alcoholism problem
alcoholism in our homes as children the
American Academy of infant and child or
excuse me
the American Academy of Child and
Adolescent Psychiatry says one in five
of us one in five have an alcoholic
parent but our mirror neurons can’t
defend us from this they just simply
take the information in and assume
they’re good so let’s go back to Alice
for a second when she’s a baby she’s
born her mirror neurons start taking in
everything they started to find
her world for her what’s a crib what’s a
bandana what’s the color red everything
key to this development will be how she
sees and understands man woman and the
relationship between them so what is she
gonna do she’s gonna take the examples
she sees every day the people she will
later call her mom and dad this becomes
huge because she watches all of their
behavior
she mimics the sounds that they make and
she recognizes the personality traits as
being that of real men women in
relationship so every now and then every
woman that she will see from then on in
if she resembles her mother she will be
considered a real woman she resembles
her father
she’ll be considered a real man and if
the relationship that they have is
something that she sees in other
relationships but in her life she will
consider it a real relationship now not
a problem if you have healthy father
mother figures in your household there
our relationship is healthy because
everything will work
you’ll be drawn to more positive
behaviors but if they aren’t if there’s
issues and dysfunction in the
relationship they’re gonna be called and
pushed and attracted to dysfunctional
people and problematic dramatic
relationships so going back to Alice
let’s fast-forward now 15 20 years when
she starts to date she starts to get all
these men coming into her life but she
needs some way to segregate the good
ones from the not good ones so she goes
with what she knows the definitions for
mirror nuns have established for her
from her very childhood now she’s got a
loving supportive funny father this
isn’t a problem she be attracted the
loving supportive and funny men if the
relationship between her parents was
good and healthy she’s gonna be drawn to
healthy relationships her whole life but
what if they’re not what if her father
was an alcoholic well then she’s gonna
be drawn to alcoholics
not because she wants to but because
that’s the definition of man that she
established in her mirror neurons and
involved alcoholism if there was drama
in the relationship she’s gonna be drawn
to dramatic relationships why because
that’s the only relationship she knew
growing up these are the only definition
she’s had and she’s running with them
without even knowing it see the easiest
way to see this is looking at babies if
you look at babies with their mirror
neurons they’re looking around all over
the place because they’re literally
defining their world every second of
every day the same thing the reason we
mirrored our traits of our parents why
so many of us have behaviors that others
say oh you’re just like your mother oh
you’re just like your father
because these behaviors feel more
legitimate as a man and a woman so when
Alice starts to date whether she likes
it or not she’s gonna be attracted to a
certain type of person the same person
that resembles her father and the same
type of dramatic relationship exemplar
by her parents even if she did run into
a great person a great guy that was
different than this they would find
their way out of her life why because
they didn’t conform to her definition of
real man now it’d be easier to blame her
father on this right easier to say well
if it wasn’t an alcoholic this wouldn’t
be a problem but he’s as powerless as
she is because his mirror neurons when
he was a child
watched his father and if his father was
a drinker he incorporated drinking as
part of being a real man he might not
even like drinking it may hate it but
what he loves about drinking is the fact
that it makes him feel like a real man
now well my research is shown as it
isn’t just Alice all of us have
relationships and people in our life
that resemble in some way shape or form
those early definitions that we
established with our mirror neurons now
I’m not saying this so you’ll all just
freak out and cancel all your
friendships all right I don’t want to
have a slew of emails about the divorce
rate throwing crazy simply because I
gave this talk what I’m here to do is
give you an invitation and an
opportunity
it’s an invitation and take a long hard
look at the messages of your life and
see if like Alice you’re being drawn to
people that you really like people that
bring out the best you or people that
bring out the view that others created
an opportunity to look at those
relationships and change them for the
better because like I said the father
was just as powerless as everyone else
and this is where our parents grew us up
because we pass these things down
generation to generation to generation
without stopping the father is guilty is
the daughter but at the same time nobody
bothers to stop these things
we are simply mirroring the behavior
we’ve picked up in our households over
and over and over again so once you take
that hard look at your relationships
remember there’s comfort in the familiar
our childhood experiences become our
default for life so now you’ve got a
chance to go forth and take a look at
these relationships because the reason
you can solve them the solution you have
to them is surround yourself with people
that love you people that you adore and
be around them all the time
take them to coffee take them to dinner
take them on lunch table movies take
them everywhere the more you around
these people the more you reprogram your
brain to accept different definitions of
man woman in a relationship so that’s
the opportunity go forth now seek out
those relationships find people that
love you and be around them all the time
because when you find happiness in your
relationships you will find a peace and
joy in your life that will work for you
and when you do that you’ll find a peace
a joy and a happiness that will work for
the rest of us as well thank you very
very much [Applause]
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