good morning I asked a group of students
recently why do you think there’s a
mental health epidemic in the Western
world because being a millennial sucks
yeah it’s true you gotta be in crippling
debt before you start your working life
you’ll never be able to afford to buy a
house and your dead grandparents voted
to leave the EU alive because it’s
fashionable
well that’s controversial but yeah it’s
kind of true humans learn to bond by
finding common ground you change your
personality to try and fit in because a
bad crap that’s happened to you trauma
abuse a change in circumstance grief
these are often genuine life-changing
experiences that we can all struggle to
deal with but I’m going to propose to
you an idea that it is our perceived
continual failure to meet rising social
expectations that is causing more people
to be on antidepressants than ever
before and is killing more men under 50
than anything else I’m expected to be
successful I’m not therefore a failure
I’m expected to be muscular or skinny
I’m not there from disgusting I’m
unlovable I’m an attractive I’m expected
to be happy and I’m not I’d so feel
guilty I’m incapable of happiness and
we’re never really taught how to cope
instead we’re just inundated with these
inspiring quotes from semi-naked
instagramers just be you you can do what
you want to do be who you want to be
choose happiness but when you feel
trapped in this dark cloud these ideas
only make you feel even more guilty
because you don’t know who you are what
you want to do or be or how to choose
happiness and why would you want to just
be you when you don’t even like who you
are now it doesn’t help to blame
expectations for your misery it’s a
losing and very exhausting battle trust
me
instead let us look at our reaction
to expectations to try and sort this
mess out here’s my favorite quote it’s
not your fault you’re effed up now how
many of us here have experienced some
form of failure and thought to ourselves
I’m not good enough I can’t do this and
worthless and thick I’m fat I’m stupid
raise your hands now and say aye now I
want to tell you that it’s not your
fault
it really isn’t somewhere along the way
someone or something or the failure to
meet an expectation has damaged you in
some way and made you think these things
but that’s not the whole quote here’s
the second part it’s your fault if you
stay effed up ouch but I like that part
the quote because it reminds me that I
have the control despite the trauma and
the abuse and the damage we all have the
potential to choose our future now for
some of us that journey is really easy
but for many of us it’s really hard but
we all have the potential to get there
now for me it was really hard I spent
most of my adult life unaware that there
was this option and I thought this is
just me I messed up I would tell people
and myself that I was ugly that I was
worthless that I was unlovable and I
relished in my self-deprecating humor
because it was hilarious
all right identified and was almost
proud of the fact that I was depressed
because it helped me make sense of it
but I start to wear that label as a
badge of honor you know how did I get to
this point well I think to some extent I
tried so hard to prove that I would turn
out all right I strived and I became
obsessed with this goal that were proved
to myself and everybody else that I
would be a success and I think it’s a
goal or expectation that many of us have
here now my goal was to be playing a
part in a
Western sure that’s what I wanted to do
that was the dream and I did everything
I could to get there and then at the age
of 22 I got the call to say ed you’re
gonna be playing the part of Bobby in a
chorus line at the London Palladium Wow
I was ecstatic right all these years of
hard work and determination had allowed
me to achieve this dream I was gonna be
playing a part in a huge musical in the
West End I was a success but three
months into the run Wow three months
into the run I found myself on the
platform at Oxford Circus station
staring into the lights of the oncoming
train about to jump and absolutely still
fresh and it was only the fact that
caught the drivers eye as you screamed
no at me toast threw myself against the
back wall behind me I was so consumed by
the voice in my head it wasn’t me it had
infected my brain now I’d love to tell
you that that was the moment that I
turned all around but it wasn’t I spent
another three years accepting that that
voice was me
I quit performing and I had a breakdown
I didn’t know what I wanted to do with
my life and I convinced myself that I
had no skills that I took a job as a
pizza delivery boy thinking that’s all I
was worse and I remember crying on my
rounds wishing buses would hit me as I
sounded about sorry I was so held back
by fear and the voice in my head that I
couldn’t move forward and it was then
that I decided I need to get real
professional help now it wasn’t cheap
but I knew it was an investment if I
could afford to go to the gym and take
protein shakes then I could afford to
put the same investment into learning
how not to be backup so here’s a few
things I learned along the way which I
hope might help you when you need it
when you tell yourself something you
reinforce it change the dialogue change
the habit now we look at a baby’s brain
there are millions of neural pathways
more than adults when a baby learns a
new habit certain pathways become
stronger the ones not used become weaker
eventually these pathways become the
automatic route and it’s the same
principle when you think and say bad
things about yourself you are
reinforcing that pathway eventually it
becomes automatic so every time that you
tell yourself that you’re weird that
you’re socially awkward that you’re
stupid unlovable fat depressed you are
reinforcing that idea about yourself but
like with everything you can learn new
habits it’s not your fault that you have
those thoughts they were talk to you but
you can rewire and start to learn new
ones
number two brenda is a bitch I’m going
to propose a radical idea thoughts and
feelings aren’t real this microphone is
real the chairs you start on are real
but thoughts and feelings aren’t we
humans find it really difficult to
understand the unreal so we usually
personify it mother nature Hurricane
Katrina Frosty the Snowman but when it
comes to the voice in our heads we are
mistakenly personifying it as part of us
so let’s personify it something that
isn’t us a completely separate entity
that has a name mine is called Brenda
Brenda is fear and Brenda is a bitch
Brenda will talk you out of so many
opportunities she will tell you not to
go for that new job
not to stand up in front of the class to
speak not to go to your old school to do
a TED talk and so those opportunities
that you had are now gone now we all
have a choice do we listen to her or do
we say not today Brenda because if you
allow Brenda to take over and be your
voice
she will that’s what she wants when I
was stood on that platform
I wasn’t ed I was Brenda now there’s a
thought
so I want you all to start practicing
acknowledging her because by
acknowledging her you are making her a
separate entity and she hates it so when
you have that feeling of fear to do
something or when you have that bad
thought just clock in and say that’s
Brenda it’s not me and move forward it
really really helps the funnel of
opportunity this here is my funnel of
opportunity you want to learn as much as
you can you want to experience as much
as you can it all trickles down to fill
up the glass now Brenda wants to close
off that funnel and keep the glass empty
why because Brenda is a fish very good
thank you now the only way to keep
learning and experiencing is to tell
yourself that you’re no better than
anybody else you are no better than
anybody else now that sounds kind of
counterintuitive to what I’m saying here
but the moment that you believe that
you’re better than somebody you can’t
learn because you already think that you
know take responsibility from this
moment on you were all to take
responsibility for everything in your
life you are not entitled to a life of
happiness or great career prospects
nobody’s gonna do that for you the only
person that is responsible for the
quality of life that you live is you now
that’s difficult to comprehend because
we’re all so conditioned to blame but
people that blame become stagnant bitter
and they can’t move forward they can’t
learn so
responsibility to give yourself the
opportunity to learn and move forward
and to take the appropriate steps to get
the outcome the that you actually want
invest in your mind now it drives me
nuts that we are also willing to spend a
fortune on the way we look with gyms
cosmetics even surgery but when
counseling costs 50 pound a session or a
meditation app costs 10 pound a month
suddenly no it’s not worth it’s too
expensive because you can get free pills
on the NHS but pills only suppress
Brenda they don’t help you learn how to
control that so take responsibility
invest in your mental as well as your
physical health get the right help now
it’s always good to talk if you’re
struggling right but just know that your
friends haven’t spent years in training
to try and help you they will try and
fix you they’ll say things like do more
yoga have you tried being vegan I really
like to go on long walks when I feel
blue but when you don’t do those things
because you’re halfway through your
second up of ice cream you’re gonna feel
really guilty I should be doing more
yoga so please don’t be afraid to get
the right help now where am I now
well it took me a long time to figure
out with the help of my life coach to
decide what I wanted to do I decided
that performing was no longer for me and
so now I make deodorant
why because I stank being a performer
made me very sweaty nothing was working
for me I smelt like a teenage boy no
offense
you know I get these horrible stains and
I felt really guilty about the plastic
so I spent maybe two years just
experimenting and concocting in my
kitchen just like as a side hobby and
now I own a company with my boyfriend
making natural aluminium free plastic
free deodorant that actually works now I
have no experience running a business
and I’m definitely not a chemist but I
do know how to tell Brenda to do one
when she tries to tell me I can’t do
something or that amount my depth I
finally realize that I have the same
potential it’s every other human being
on this planet the only thing that’s
holding me back is fear or rather Brenda
now I urge you if you think that the
voices in your head are you go and get
the right help talk to somebody that can
actually help it’s the hardest and
bravest decision you will ever make but
it’s the best decision you’ll ever make
now on everyone in this room to repeat
after me not today
thank you so much [Applause]
recently why do you think there’s a
mental health epidemic in the Western
world because being a millennial sucks
yeah it’s true you gotta be in crippling
debt before you start your working life
you’ll never be able to afford to buy a
house and your dead grandparents voted
to leave the EU alive because it’s
fashionable
well that’s controversial but yeah it’s
kind of true humans learn to bond by
finding common ground you change your
personality to try and fit in because a
bad crap that’s happened to you trauma
abuse a change in circumstance grief
these are often genuine life-changing
experiences that we can all struggle to
deal with but I’m going to propose to
you an idea that it is our perceived
continual failure to meet rising social
expectations that is causing more people
to be on antidepressants than ever
before and is killing more men under 50
than anything else I’m expected to be
successful I’m not therefore a failure
I’m expected to be muscular or skinny
I’m not there from disgusting I’m
unlovable I’m an attractive I’m expected
to be happy and I’m not I’d so feel
guilty I’m incapable of happiness and
we’re never really taught how to cope
instead we’re just inundated with these
inspiring quotes from semi-naked
instagramers just be you you can do what
you want to do be who you want to be
choose happiness but when you feel
trapped in this dark cloud these ideas
only make you feel even more guilty
because you don’t know who you are what
you want to do or be or how to choose
happiness and why would you want to just
be you when you don’t even like who you
are now it doesn’t help to blame
expectations for your misery it’s a
losing and very exhausting battle trust
me
instead let us look at our reaction
to expectations to try and sort this
mess out here’s my favorite quote it’s
not your fault you’re effed up now how
many of us here have experienced some
form of failure and thought to ourselves
I’m not good enough I can’t do this and
worthless and thick I’m fat I’m stupid
raise your hands now and say aye now I
want to tell you that it’s not your
fault
it really isn’t somewhere along the way
someone or something or the failure to
meet an expectation has damaged you in
some way and made you think these things
but that’s not the whole quote here’s
the second part it’s your fault if you
stay effed up ouch but I like that part
the quote because it reminds me that I
have the control despite the trauma and
the abuse and the damage we all have the
potential to choose our future now for
some of us that journey is really easy
but for many of us it’s really hard but
we all have the potential to get there
now for me it was really hard I spent
most of my adult life unaware that there
was this option and I thought this is
just me I messed up I would tell people
and myself that I was ugly that I was
worthless that I was unlovable and I
relished in my self-deprecating humor
because it was hilarious
all right identified and was almost
proud of the fact that I was depressed
because it helped me make sense of it
but I start to wear that label as a
badge of honor you know how did I get to
this point well I think to some extent I
tried so hard to prove that I would turn
out all right I strived and I became
obsessed with this goal that were proved
to myself and everybody else that I
would be a success and I think it’s a
goal or expectation that many of us have
here now my goal was to be playing a
part in a
Western sure that’s what I wanted to do
that was the dream and I did everything
I could to get there and then at the age
of 22 I got the call to say ed you’re
gonna be playing the part of Bobby in a
chorus line at the London Palladium Wow
I was ecstatic right all these years of
hard work and determination had allowed
me to achieve this dream I was gonna be
playing a part in a huge musical in the
West End I was a success but three
months into the run Wow three months
into the run I found myself on the
platform at Oxford Circus station
staring into the lights of the oncoming
train about to jump and absolutely still
fresh and it was only the fact that
caught the drivers eye as you screamed
no at me toast threw myself against the
back wall behind me I was so consumed by
the voice in my head it wasn’t me it had
infected my brain now I’d love to tell
you that that was the moment that I
turned all around but it wasn’t I spent
another three years accepting that that
voice was me
I quit performing and I had a breakdown
I didn’t know what I wanted to do with
my life and I convinced myself that I
had no skills that I took a job as a
pizza delivery boy thinking that’s all I
was worse and I remember crying on my
rounds wishing buses would hit me as I
sounded about sorry I was so held back
by fear and the voice in my head that I
couldn’t move forward and it was then
that I decided I need to get real
professional help now it wasn’t cheap
but I knew it was an investment if I
could afford to go to the gym and take
protein shakes then I could afford to
put the same investment into learning
how not to be backup so here’s a few
things I learned along the way which I
hope might help you when you need it
when you tell yourself something you
reinforce it change the dialogue change
the habit now we look at a baby’s brain
there are millions of neural pathways
more than adults when a baby learns a
new habit certain pathways become
stronger the ones not used become weaker
eventually these pathways become the
automatic route and it’s the same
principle when you think and say bad
things about yourself you are
reinforcing that pathway eventually it
becomes automatic so every time that you
tell yourself that you’re weird that
you’re socially awkward that you’re
stupid unlovable fat depressed you are
reinforcing that idea about yourself but
like with everything you can learn new
habits it’s not your fault that you have
those thoughts they were talk to you but
you can rewire and start to learn new
ones
number two brenda is a bitch I’m going
to propose a radical idea thoughts and
feelings aren’t real this microphone is
real the chairs you start on are real
but thoughts and feelings aren’t we
humans find it really difficult to
understand the unreal so we usually
personify it mother nature Hurricane
Katrina Frosty the Snowman but when it
comes to the voice in our heads we are
mistakenly personifying it as part of us
so let’s personify it something that
isn’t us a completely separate entity
that has a name mine is called Brenda
Brenda is fear and Brenda is a bitch
Brenda will talk you out of so many
opportunities she will tell you not to
go for that new job
not to stand up in front of the class to
speak not to go to your old school to do
a TED talk and so those opportunities
that you had are now gone now we all
have a choice do we listen to her or do
we say not today Brenda because if you
allow Brenda to take over and be your
voice
she will that’s what she wants when I
was stood on that platform
I wasn’t ed I was Brenda now there’s a
thought
so I want you all to start practicing
acknowledging her because by
acknowledging her you are making her a
separate entity and she hates it so when
you have that feeling of fear to do
something or when you have that bad
thought just clock in and say that’s
Brenda it’s not me and move forward it
really really helps the funnel of
opportunity this here is my funnel of
opportunity you want to learn as much as
you can you want to experience as much
as you can it all trickles down to fill
up the glass now Brenda wants to close
off that funnel and keep the glass empty
why because Brenda is a fish very good
thank you now the only way to keep
learning and experiencing is to tell
yourself that you’re no better than
anybody else you are no better than
anybody else now that sounds kind of
counterintuitive to what I’m saying here
but the moment that you believe that
you’re better than somebody you can’t
learn because you already think that you
know take responsibility from this
moment on you were all to take
responsibility for everything in your
life you are not entitled to a life of
happiness or great career prospects
nobody’s gonna do that for you the only
person that is responsible for the
quality of life that you live is you now
that’s difficult to comprehend because
we’re all so conditioned to blame but
people that blame become stagnant bitter
and they can’t move forward they can’t
learn so
responsibility to give yourself the
opportunity to learn and move forward
and to take the appropriate steps to get
the outcome the that you actually want
invest in your mind now it drives me
nuts that we are also willing to spend a
fortune on the way we look with gyms
cosmetics even surgery but when
counseling costs 50 pound a session or a
meditation app costs 10 pound a month
suddenly no it’s not worth it’s too
expensive because you can get free pills
on the NHS but pills only suppress
Brenda they don’t help you learn how to
control that so take responsibility
invest in your mental as well as your
physical health get the right help now
it’s always good to talk if you’re
struggling right but just know that your
friends haven’t spent years in training
to try and help you they will try and
fix you they’ll say things like do more
yoga have you tried being vegan I really
like to go on long walks when I feel
blue but when you don’t do those things
because you’re halfway through your
second up of ice cream you’re gonna feel
really guilty I should be doing more
yoga so please don’t be afraid to get
the right help now where am I now
well it took me a long time to figure
out with the help of my life coach to
decide what I wanted to do I decided
that performing was no longer for me and
so now I make deodorant
why because I stank being a performer
made me very sweaty nothing was working
for me I smelt like a teenage boy no
offense
you know I get these horrible stains and
I felt really guilty about the plastic
so I spent maybe two years just
experimenting and concocting in my
kitchen just like as a side hobby and
now I own a company with my boyfriend
making natural aluminium free plastic
free deodorant that actually works now I
have no experience running a business
and I’m definitely not a chemist but I
do know how to tell Brenda to do one
when she tries to tell me I can’t do
something or that amount my depth I
finally realize that I have the same
potential it’s every other human being
on this planet the only thing that’s
holding me back is fear or rather Brenda
now I urge you if you think that the
voices in your head are you go and get
the right help talk to somebody that can
actually help it’s the hardest and
bravest decision you will ever make but
it’s the best decision you’ll ever make
now on everyone in this room to repeat
after me not today
thank you so much [Applause]
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