I’ve struggled with mental illness for
the better part of the decade seems that
after three combat tours my mind was
broken it’s trapped in a bleak world
finally I fought as meeting those demons
as I could but I was failing left me the
broken marriage wedged between my
daughters and I the family was terrified
of me I stand before you now changed how
[Applause]
[Music]
I am doing shopping fashion designer
artistic director and principal designer
for topping designs each one of those
garments was sketched and constructed by
me they represent my journey my journey
to find myself and contain that mental
illness
they’ve just been brought to life by
those remarkable people each one of them
has challenged judgment and overcome
adversity to become something bigger
retired from the Army 2012 fell into a
downward spiral the trauma I experienced
left me with post-traumatic stress
disorder and I let that label of mental
illness consume me spent a lot of days
and dive bars a lot of nights passed
down parks I didn’t sleep was angry and
that anger was boiling into rage and
some of us experienced traumas there’s a
foot by switch we flip and it turns
everything into anger it protects us
from the surreal world around us as a
civilian I couldn’t turn that switch off
my mind was still patrolling – Street
still on high alert and the al-mansour
district of Baghdad and I tried all the
methods of recovery psychologists
medications group therapies we all came
packaged you know one size fits all box
they didn’t work I needed to change
think outside the box and find myself
again
now we’ve all heard the cliche be true
to yourself but when you’re struggling
with some of these demons abuse assault
addiction your true self it’s the last
person you want to be trapped inside
your own mind labeled by the outside
world and plagued by anger and fear
without control and they tell you to
beat these demons you got to face them
head-on
but in the last place you want to hang
out inside your mind this is certainly
true for me you know things were so bad
inside my head exaggerated by the
outside labels that it became clear the
only way that I was going to flip that
switch off was to re-examine my own
unconscious biases which meant had to
find the courage to see myself as more
than this ugly book but that courage
eluded me
because I believed those labels assigned
to me what you saw reflected in those
garments was that battle between who I
thought I should be and who I really am
with fashion I challenged the labels of
PTSD and tattooed biker and faced my
demons with a new set of tools for those
of you who have experienced trauma think
about how that’s defined you I was an
artist before the ravages of mental
illness consumed me when I was younger I
was a painter cartoonist sculptor while
deployed
I wasn’t looking for Sports Illustrated
and those care packages one vogue Marie
Claire because as I grow older I develop
that love of wearable art fashion and I
knew in order to move forward and leave
that mental illness behind I had to find
that artistic voice again so one day in
early 2016 I came home and I told my
wife I’m gonna teach myself too so she
looked up at me and laughed much like
she’s doing right now
and she said when well I held up my
brand new machine and I said right now
it worked
I couldn’t see it behind the PTSD but
through sewing I found it and it was so
much about doing something different it
was a long ways from those dark corners
the hardness of my experience had
spawned I was finally able to forget my
labels PTSD and face my demons now I
should tell you sometimes I’m still
mistaken for the doorman and my fashion
events at my first event I was given a
couple dollars by a woman while I was
standing outside as soon as my outfit
wasn’t fashionable enough truth is this
is the best it gets constantly I’m
bombarded by whispered labeling but this
is the obstacle we all face and the
tests that we subject ourselves to is do
I belong as Shakespeare said in his play
as you like all the world is a stage and
all the men and women merely players
the parameters that we use to find our
roles are often dictated by those
internal dialogues our traumas and of
course how much we believe the labels
bestowed upon us I have a mental illness
and this is served as my script for over
a decade but we were all labeled either
by how we look where we’ve come from
where we’ve been our experiences the
often it’s a combination and when I came
into the auditorium
maybe you saw a biker and maybe along
with that came all the connotations and
ingrained biases in all of us
outlaw dissident man of nefarious intent
maybe but Shakespeare went on to say
people have their exits and their
entrances and one man in his life plays
many roles yes I am a biker in French is
just Wilma Toth I’ve been in a war and
I’ve spent a great deal of time on the
other side of the tracks however I’m so
much more I’ve made my exits from those
my clothes or that story each collection
represents a step towards my center in
early spring 2016 I attended
Metropolitan State University of Denver
in my English class there was a young
student and she was intelligent dynamic
sadly she didn’t see it and she liked me
felt bound by assumption
she was labeled as an awkward pink
haired woman and this was the label that
she felt she had to play and me was only
anger that was my role and I gave the
world the wrath
so I created a lot of clothes that would
show my character and maybe inspire this
young student to see that inner beauty
they would symbolize her character and
that soft femininity inside of me each
line purposely accentuate accentuated
merging light fabrics with strong lines
well I think I captured everything about
and I also expressed some of those
repressed passions that had been mauled
by post-traumatic stress disorder and
the next line for the fall was inspired
by the 1920s that period in American
history when we began to experiment and
my current line attempts to embody the
individuality of people who identify as
queer intersexed transgender outside of
like many of us they’ve judged
themselves in the line of stereotypes
and through my clothes I found a soft
strength to see a wider view of myself
no longer am I in prison by a normative
view of my character I’ve transformed my
perspective and this alone has been the
catalyst for me to turn that switch and
break out of the box fashion has allowed
me to forget the judgment I had for
myself and move past my labels of PTSD
I still have PTSD but I put it on the
Shelf it’s always gonna be there I found
peace in the creative process and if
nothing else it’s taught me you don’t
have to dwell on labels and forget your
true self I am a vet with post-traumatic
stress disorder but I’m also an artist
fashion designer I no longer have to be
Chanel said fashion is not an address
alone fashion is in the sky and you walk
out there to the street fashion is about
ideas the way we live and what’s
happening and this is how I see the
so trauma whether the Baghdad or in your
home causes some of us to flip a switch
it turns everything into anger fear
protects us but when that danger passes
some of us can’t turn the switch off
finding a way to reconnect with your
identity before the trauma looking past
your labels turns that light on leaves
the darkness behind so I encourage every
one of you find your switch turn that
you [Applause]
the better part of the decade seems that
after three combat tours my mind was
broken it’s trapped in a bleak world
finally I fought as meeting those demons
as I could but I was failing left me the
broken marriage wedged between my
daughters and I the family was terrified
of me I stand before you now changed how
[Applause]
[Music]
I am doing shopping fashion designer
artistic director and principal designer
for topping designs each one of those
garments was sketched and constructed by
me they represent my journey my journey
to find myself and contain that mental
illness
they’ve just been brought to life by
those remarkable people each one of them
has challenged judgment and overcome
adversity to become something bigger
retired from the Army 2012 fell into a
downward spiral the trauma I experienced
left me with post-traumatic stress
disorder and I let that label of mental
illness consume me spent a lot of days
and dive bars a lot of nights passed
down parks I didn’t sleep was angry and
that anger was boiling into rage and
some of us experienced traumas there’s a
foot by switch we flip and it turns
everything into anger it protects us
from the surreal world around us as a
civilian I couldn’t turn that switch off
my mind was still patrolling – Street
still on high alert and the al-mansour
district of Baghdad and I tried all the
methods of recovery psychologists
medications group therapies we all came
packaged you know one size fits all box
they didn’t work I needed to change
think outside the box and find myself
again
now we’ve all heard the cliche be true
to yourself but when you’re struggling
with some of these demons abuse assault
addiction your true self it’s the last
person you want to be trapped inside
your own mind labeled by the outside
world and plagued by anger and fear
without control and they tell you to
beat these demons you got to face them
head-on
but in the last place you want to hang
out inside your mind this is certainly
true for me you know things were so bad
inside my head exaggerated by the
outside labels that it became clear the
only way that I was going to flip that
switch off was to re-examine my own
unconscious biases which meant had to
find the courage to see myself as more
than this ugly book but that courage
eluded me
because I believed those labels assigned
to me what you saw reflected in those
garments was that battle between who I
thought I should be and who I really am
with fashion I challenged the labels of
PTSD and tattooed biker and faced my
demons with a new set of tools for those
of you who have experienced trauma think
about how that’s defined you I was an
artist before the ravages of mental
illness consumed me when I was younger I
was a painter cartoonist sculptor while
deployed
I wasn’t looking for Sports Illustrated
and those care packages one vogue Marie
Claire because as I grow older I develop
that love of wearable art fashion and I
knew in order to move forward and leave
that mental illness behind I had to find
that artistic voice again so one day in
early 2016 I came home and I told my
wife I’m gonna teach myself too so she
looked up at me and laughed much like
she’s doing right now
and she said when well I held up my
brand new machine and I said right now
it worked
I couldn’t see it behind the PTSD but
through sewing I found it and it was so
much about doing something different it
was a long ways from those dark corners
the hardness of my experience had
spawned I was finally able to forget my
labels PTSD and face my demons now I
should tell you sometimes I’m still
mistaken for the doorman and my fashion
events at my first event I was given a
couple dollars by a woman while I was
standing outside as soon as my outfit
wasn’t fashionable enough truth is this
is the best it gets constantly I’m
bombarded by whispered labeling but this
is the obstacle we all face and the
tests that we subject ourselves to is do
I belong as Shakespeare said in his play
as you like all the world is a stage and
all the men and women merely players
the parameters that we use to find our
roles are often dictated by those
internal dialogues our traumas and of
course how much we believe the labels
bestowed upon us I have a mental illness
and this is served as my script for over
a decade but we were all labeled either
by how we look where we’ve come from
where we’ve been our experiences the
often it’s a combination and when I came
into the auditorium
maybe you saw a biker and maybe along
with that came all the connotations and
ingrained biases in all of us
outlaw dissident man of nefarious intent
maybe but Shakespeare went on to say
people have their exits and their
entrances and one man in his life plays
many roles yes I am a biker in French is
just Wilma Toth I’ve been in a war and
I’ve spent a great deal of time on the
other side of the tracks however I’m so
much more I’ve made my exits from those
my clothes or that story each collection
represents a step towards my center in
early spring 2016 I attended
Metropolitan State University of Denver
in my English class there was a young
student and she was intelligent dynamic
sadly she didn’t see it and she liked me
felt bound by assumption
she was labeled as an awkward pink
haired woman and this was the label that
she felt she had to play and me was only
anger that was my role and I gave the
world the wrath
so I created a lot of clothes that would
show my character and maybe inspire this
young student to see that inner beauty
they would symbolize her character and
that soft femininity inside of me each
line purposely accentuate accentuated
merging light fabrics with strong lines
well I think I captured everything about
and I also expressed some of those
repressed passions that had been mauled
by post-traumatic stress disorder and
the next line for the fall was inspired
by the 1920s that period in American
history when we began to experiment and
my current line attempts to embody the
individuality of people who identify as
queer intersexed transgender outside of
like many of us they’ve judged
themselves in the line of stereotypes
and through my clothes I found a soft
strength to see a wider view of myself
no longer am I in prison by a normative
view of my character I’ve transformed my
perspective and this alone has been the
catalyst for me to turn that switch and
break out of the box fashion has allowed
me to forget the judgment I had for
myself and move past my labels of PTSD
I still have PTSD but I put it on the
Shelf it’s always gonna be there I found
peace in the creative process and if
nothing else it’s taught me you don’t
have to dwell on labels and forget your
true self I am a vet with post-traumatic
stress disorder but I’m also an artist
fashion designer I no longer have to be
Chanel said fashion is not an address
alone fashion is in the sky and you walk
out there to the street fashion is about
ideas the way we live and what’s
happening and this is how I see the
so trauma whether the Baghdad or in your
home causes some of us to flip a switch
it turns everything into anger fear
protects us but when that danger passes
some of us can’t turn the switch off
finding a way to reconnect with your
identity before the trauma looking past
your labels turns that light on leaves
the darkness behind so I encourage every
one of you find your switch turn that
you [Applause]
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