so thank you so much for that like she
said I’m on wave Sahul I’m 22 and I
missed a gavel in their 2016 and I’m so
incredibly grateful to be here on the
stage
all over again this is the third time
that I get to be here and every time
I’ve been here it’s been so incredibly
fulfilling for me as an individual to
share the space with all these inspiring
group of people I do very strongly
believe that each and every individual
sitting here right now has an idea which
is worth sharing which is worth
listening to and learning from and I
feel very blessed today that I have this
opportunity today to share my own life
experiences and lessons with you all and
for that I would like to take this
opportunity to thank the TEDx CBS team
my wonderful mr. gay world India and mr.
Gable family my sister Ankita and of
course my parents who are a little more
supportive than they used to be now it’s
been six years since I’ve come out and
even today the question that I get asked
very often is when did you choose to be
gay now you see that’s a very
interesting question that I’m so glad
someone asked me that question because
now I have so much material to talk
about so thank you to whoever who asked
me that question and in order to be able
to answer that question we’ll have to go
a little back in time now I grew up in
the 90s and I was big on Jesus and a man
said max and Salman Khan used to be a
megastar back then he still is a
megastar but in the 90s he had this
really interesting boys charm to him and
he was my superhero I had a huge crush
in him until Kahuna Perry happened in
2002 the crushin was everything I was
also I was also big on dark chocolate
around this time so you see the dark
chocolate mixed with Britta crushin it
did its thing it enhanced my libido I
used to keep watching him all the time
on television and sparks flew by
butterflies in my stomach and the gay
simple quite simple isn’t it
I wish it was that simple but nothing
significantly gay really happened until
the time I was like 13 maybe because a
10 year old was busy fighting narrow
societal norms and gender stereotypes
just imagine the age around which all
the kids around you are fighting Pikachu
or right – I was fighting my friends
over why they should let me be a part of
an all-girls dance team because since
when did dancing become a girl’s thing
anyway God really chooses the most
foolish things in our lives to make us
confront the wise I never really grew up
with a sense of self or dignity I was
always the laughingstock the stupid FEM
kid who never really had a sense of a
dignified career at all by the time I
was 13 I grew into this really
aggressive little kid and when I was
angry I was a big hot mess all those
years of being picked on had sort of
agglomerated in my system and they just
needed an outlet unfortunately I didn’t
have one person around me who could
reach out to me and tell me that you
know what enmesh it’s okay to be gay now
I grew into a big-time low down around
this time but thankfully Bollywood the
internet and television was a huge
despite at this point of time it was my
pathway to my own little world
we were sovery was about to release in
2007 and I was so enamoured by the sheer
beauty that unbe Kapoor is I was head
over heels in love honestly I still
don’t know if that was love it simply
felt good and I hadn’t felt that way for
a very long time now
we were also about to move into a
different City at this point of time and
I felt like all my struggles were
finally going to come to an end and
could I have been any more wrong I
drifted further apart from my friends my
family my interests my dreams
it´ll Michelle my closet I didn’t even
know it was called a closet back then I
didn’t know the way I felt was called
being gay that there was something that
people considered it something abnormal
and I felt like I belonged and there was
nothing different about me I was very
happy as a kid growing up but
all these experiences sort of
agglomerated and they made me people
starting to make me a very negative
person I grew into a big-time loner and
now when I look back I feel like it was
such a blessing in disguise because it
made me grow into a much better
individual I grew up to find peace in my
own company while I did find belonging
somewhere I also it it worked wonders
for me that I didn’t find belonging in
my own set of friends because I became
the own the person that made me happy
every time I was treated like a garbage
bin I cried my eyes out but I also
learned to pick myself up and move on
even today I’m still fighting my own
fight just like every my whole life on
my own and I’m the happiest and I
wouldn’t want to change a thing about it
honestly a few years ago when I won mr.
gay India the internet was exploding
with how ugly I am imagine 20 year old
waking up in the morning as mr. gay
India and the world around him screaming
at him and telling him you know what you
don’t deserve to be mr. gay India
because you too ugly and that you too
dark surprisingly it didn’t affect me
one bit and I realized that I had never
been taught to value myself on the basis
of how I looked I never learned to be in
front of a mirror wishing for a perfect
nose what I did however learn was a joy
in being a human the joy in being able
to live to inspire and why shouldn’t we
all live to inspire remember that Bruce
Springsteen’s quote more than rich more
than famous more than happy I just want
to be great but at the same time I’d be
lying if I say that I have never walked
in front of a mirror and told myself
really unleash how ugly are you and
that’s what happened when I went for mr.
gay world with all these beautiful
gorgeous men from around the world
placed in front of me it made me a
little nervous and I realized that it
came from living under the umbrella of a
white superiority complex it also lied
in my own opinion of a gay femme skinny
brown boy like me I had never learned to
respect my own self and then I realized
that sometimes when you when someone
tells you that you drif emanate and
that’s a bad thing over and over again
through 20 to 21 years of your life it
really gets etched into your system
and it’s difficult to come out of it
thankfully at the right time I found
RuPaul I will he recently started
watching RuPaul’s Drag Race and it’s
made me laugh fall in love with my
feminine self in fact every individual
through the gender spectrum should be
able to accept and embrace their
feminine selves with Ilan growing up I
was very fond of Barbie dolls but I
would always mask my love for Barbies
with GI Joes because I didn’t want to
come across as someone too vulnerable
and too weak I wish I can go back to my
younger self and tell him how femininity
and effeminacy aren’t youthful isms for
indignity being fem skinny Brown being
me a sexy and powerful and so are you
the day I started taking myself a little
less seriously I realized how life could
be so much more fun I realized how
boring it was to be a part of the crowd
I wanted to stand out and that’s also
what led me to start my own campaign
fitting-out which completes two months
and which completed two years in two
months in five 2018 and it celebrates
originality it also gave me a little bit
of a sass so when my name come up my mom
came up to me and she was complaining
about how God has been so unkind with
her and then just to her that he’s given
her with a gay son I said to her maybe
God loves you a little more so he’s
gifted you with a unique masterpiece it
did it didn’t take me long enough to
realize how sex doesn’t have to be all
about reproduction it can be so much
more about recreation coming out coming
out was such a liberating experience for
me it made me love myself and it made me
understand that I didn’t have to pay any
heed about what people said I was
supposed to well I bought everything
that made me happy and I think that’s
how it should be for anybody in this
world
for a very long time I believed that the
idea that changed my life was coming out
and then I realized that the idea that
truly changed my life was realizing that
I’m so much more than my sexuality
sometimes when you have to fight so much
to make a little space for your own self
in this world that we belong your life
becomes all about that struggle but I
don’t want my all all my life about
about this to be
about this fight I have my own personal
milestones I want to go through my first
kiss my first dog my food my graduation
simple things like everybody wants but I
felt like at this point at some point of
time my life became all about that
struggle and all about that fight we’re
all so much more than our sexuality
I’ve been asked at multiple interviews
how difficult it is to be gained in
there and I’ve always said it’s as
difficult and it’s as beautiful as it is
to be human in India of course I’ve had
my own set of struggles I’ve been groped
stalked molested been made obscene calls
I were to live in houses with no running
water but at the same time I’ve also
found acceptance I found a sense of
elegance and a sense of order and design
in this chaos and it is what it is I
have spoken enough about how important
it is to not be heed to what people
really have to say about you and the
sooner you realize the same the better
it is because then you will be able to
focus on more important things in your
life like having a career having a job
being independent swimming for your own
life what we as Millennials lack the
most is that sense of belief I come from
a very small village called cornea in
Odessa and it’s a long way from cornea
to the international stage of mr. gay
world in Malta the only reason I could
fulfil and accomplish my goal was
because I believed in it and that belief
made me work towards my goal and it
worked wonders for me if I can anybody
can I obviously didn’t have the choice
of pingi but today if I ever have the
choice or maybe in any of my future
lives I’d happily choose to leave this
very life that I have to myself I’m so
grateful to God that he made me gay
because he gave me the opportunity of
understanding at a very early age in my
life that we’re all so much more than
being a man or a woman
Rebecca heads too much over being the
perfect man the perfect son the perfect
daughter the perfect wife we’re all
individuals first and everything else
after and nobody should complete you
only you should if somebody else
completes you then you were in big
trouble
don’t cobble ho to mass Mansu okay
you’re able you have what it takes
you worship and sky’s the limit
thank you [Applause]