table feet dangling off her chair as she
looked around wide-eyed at all of the
food and guess I didn’t love when mommy
has people over she thought to herself
just then the doorbell rang and a man
walked in Sophia’s mom greeted him with
big hugs and smiles and then made
introductions at the table everyone this
is our good friend Michelle Michelle was
wearing a dress high heels and dark red
lipstick great to meet you Michelle said
one guest sit down sit down
let’s get you a plate of pasta greeted
Sophia’s dad as Michelle took a seat
Sophia looked over confusedly after a
moment she leaned in and asked are you a
Sophia’s mom was stunned a split second
later though she said of course she’s a
girl Sophia but then added
self-consciously I mean a woman at that
point the table was a little bit awkward
until Michelle broke the silence yes
sweetie your mommy’s right I am a woman
this response made little sense to
Sophia who is now thinking to herself
but she looks like a man and talks like
a man too
at that point Sofia thought what should
I do
but there was a voice inside her head
that said don’t say anything else you’ve
seen strange looks like this before with
adults just be quiet or you’ll get into
trouble so with a great deal of effort
Sophia took her eyes off the man girl
woman what is it
her curious spirit still so badly wanted
to know
but instead of speaking up Sofia began
to look down telling herself to be a
good girl
and to not ask so many questions about a
week or so later at school Sofia was
talking intently with her best friend
Eva when a new boy walked into the
classroom trailing this new boy was his
mom a very large woman Sophia being the
outgoing girl she was walked right up to
the new boy hi I’m Sofia what’s your
name
at this the new boys mom answered for
her son why he’s my precious little
Henry Sofia looked up to see Henry’s mom
for the first time and her immediate
thought was a question an outloud
Sophia’s question was sincere for in her
five-year-old vocabulary fat basically
meant very big and heavy and in reality
she was looking at the biggest and
heaviest person she had ever seen though
Henry’s mom didn’t quite see it as
Sophia Saad how dare you what a bad
little girl
so FITA her face just blank confused now
she looked up at the woman I’m bad what
did I do wrong
I I I just want to know what you ate to
get so big Henry’s mom had had enough
she stormed out of the classroom
dragging little Henry right behind her
Sophia left standing there silence not
knowing what to say or do next
that’s when Sophia’s teacher who had
heard everything came marching over
Sophia
what you said was me that woman is not
fat she is beautiful we are all
beautiful and you are going to apologize
Sophia tried to protest asking what she
had done wrong and how being beautiful
had anything to do with how big Henry’s
mom is but the more she spoke the more
angry her teacher got so Sophia stop
about a month or so later
Sophia was on vacation with her parents
her first trip to New York City as the
family drove into Manhattan from the
airport
Sophia gazed out the window of their
taxi excitedly taken in all of the new
sights when they arrived at the hotel
Sophia was the first to get out hopping
onto the curb she saw something that
caught her attention
there was a man close by a really
smiling in in a really dark man she
thought the next instant Sophia she was
only a few feet away from this man who
was actually a hotel valet
so she just walked right over to him hi
mister you’re really black how did you
Sophia’s parents still buy the taxi but
with an earshot could not believe what
they had just heard mortified
they went charging over there trying to
get their luggage out of the trunk
themselves order Sophia as fast as
possible mom was the first to make it
with red cheeks and an awkward smile oh
there you are Sophia come along now we
have to get going the next instant
Sophia was whisked away by dad into the
hotel with mom walking hurriedly beside
them once in the lobby mom’s smile
disappeared and an angry look took its
place Sophia I told you never to talk to
strangers
you scared mommy and daddy don’t ever do
that again
Sophia was too excited but he was really
nice did you see the smile then did you
see how Blacky
Sophia was cut off by dad who said
seriously Sophia we do not use the word
black like that he was african-american
can you say that with me
african-american Sophia looked confused
and then gave a smile no no daddy he was
black didn’t you see him at this mom got
serious and a bit scholarly Sophia skin
color does not matter we are all equal
were the same he is just like you
Sophia’s eyes narrowed as she looked
down at her white almost peach colored
arms she so badly wanted to make sense
of things to ask her parents from mom
and dad the questions now racing through
her mind
it’s mommy saying that that man looks
like me wait he doesn’t he’s he’s black
they must they must have seen his skin
right and and why are we so different
but as Sophia looked up at her mom and
dad in that moment she saw looks of
frustration she saw looks that said she
so Sophia didn’t ask any more questions
instead she went quiet not mentioning
another word to her parents about the
man but Sophia didn’t forget about the
man or the question she had asked and
she also didn’t forget the answer he had
given her right before she’d been
hurried away I don’t know how my skin
got so black but I like the question
young man oddly enough no one’s ever
asked me probably because it’s taboo
Sophia had to have the chance to ask
well what’s that rude but the question
had stayed with her as well and that
night lying in her hotel room bed she
was hopeful she’d find an answer for she
knew she could always talk with her
classroom friends especially with her
best friend Eva and he loved Eva Sophia
whispered to herself as she pulled up
the bed covers because I can ask her
anything and then she thought with a bit
of sadness oh come I can’t ask mommy and
daddy everything – and with that Sophia
I’m a teacher and through the years I’ve
learned that children are not subtle
they say and do things that are
inappropriate in our adult world and as
a result they can rile us up you know
particularly in an increasingly PC and
aggressively Aunty PC society but our
grown-up battles are beyond children
they’re their most strongly held
opinions tend to range from you know
what’s the best flavor of ice cream
– which pajamas to wear to bed you know
and they’re not insignificant problems
at their age yet too often we treat
children’s words as if they were said by
a fully formed adult even though they’re
questions such as how did you get so fat
are infinitely different coming from an
adult than from a child from a little
girl of boys context from our own we
need to approach children at their level
at their developmental level not ours at
their emotional level not ours at their
intellectual level not ours or if we
don’t we can stifle they can control we
can we’ll stop to kill their curiosity
and we will silence the sophia’s of the
world but it doesn’t have to be like
that so happily for us it’s you know
interacting with children it’s not all
that difficult just welcome the honest
things they say including the awkward
stuff and don’t push ideas on them that
they can’t possibly grasp so no
preaching social justice – preschoolers
and maybe for the one Trump fan in here
no toddler t-shirts emblazoned with make
and for me a powerful model for this is
the valet recall how genuinely he spoke
to Sophia noting that he liked her
question that he’d never heard it before
a child like Sophia would love this I
when we knowledge the emotions of
children when we acknowledge the
emotions of children when we acknowledge
the emotions of children and help them
to think clearly about their thoughts
they tend to respond emotionally to us
better actually I’m gonna wrap go back
I’m gonna take the valet as the example
but I’m give you another one we can go
even further with children by elevating
their intellect so take take the school
example but imagine Sophia’s teacher
didn’t scold her but instead she
actually tried to elevate her mind
so something like this and tried to
acknowledge her motions Sophia I can see
that you’re sad that sure that you’re
worked up right now confused by Henry’s
mom’s reaction
Sophia would almost certainly respond to
sonship empathy would open up as most
children do when they feel that someone
actually gets them so he does teacher
could then go further by really
encouraging Sophia’s mind
Afiya sometimes people use the word fat
to be mean to others to criticize them
about their size to make fun of them
about how much they weigh
so Henry’s mom probably thought you were
being mean to her this aids Sophia in
her understanding
I mean think there’s no condemnation
there’s no bossy judgment it allows
Sophia to just get the facts so she can
judge for herself when we acknowledge
the emotions of children and help them
to clarify their thoughts they tend to
share more of what they’re feeling and
thinking when we do the opposite when we
tell them how to feel what to think like
Sophia that woman is not fat she’s
beautiful they tend to do the opposite
they tend to stop asking questions or
worse they start mindlessly repeating
our answers ultimately if we truly want
to keep alive
the curiosity and honesty of youth then
we have to welcome it they have to
actually welcome it in practice even
when it makes us uncomfortable for in
the end or in the end
that children continue to ask us
questions far into the future is much
more important than any particular
lesson we could ever want to teach them in the moment thank you