so I believe in conflict
it seems that conflict believes in me
because I have it in my life I have it
in my relationship in my family at work
I mean I can’t see all of you but who
here doesn’t have conflict in their life
even the Dalai Lama has conflict when
you think about it and actually I had an
experience of seeing the worst of
conflict as a young boy growing up next
to my dad who came back from a war in a
prison camp wounded of Israel’s
independence war at the age of 17 and a
big scar on his stomach and a bullet in
his body throughout his life so I’ve
seen the worst however conflict doesn’t
have to be like that because conflict is
actually a very powerful force of life
right conflict is diversity if you look
at the hand it’s made of five different
fingers they’re different and they
complement each other together they’re a
great force if we are able to work well
together as a matter of fact one sign of
wisdom according to scott Fitzgerald is
the ability to hold two opposing
opinions simultaneously I come from a
culture that is very argumented as a
matter of fact we say in our meetings
the first one that stops to breathe
loses the argument
[Music]
and sometimes we also say if two people
agree on everything one of them is
unnecessary so obviously you can imagine
that there is a lot of debate and a lot
of differences tremendous power because
creation happens when we have different
of opinions but sometimes that could end
up being destructive and sometimes it
could be constructive and the challenge
is how do we make it constructive how do
we manage a conversation in a way that
we can grow from it the answer is that
we need to have a process that requires
us to be able to first and foremost
withhold our judgement or counter
opinion and to be able to hold the space
for the other person and to listen
carefully to the counter opinion if
we’re able to do that that’s very
powerful through my experience I’ve come
to develop a process that is made out of
three simple steps so simple that they
can fit on the back of a card and you
can hold it in your hand and follow
through I would like to share with you
how I came to this and then for us to
have an experience of going through it
so this all started after 9/11 when a
group of CEOs top CEOs decided that they
want to do something in the world that
is different than just learning and
educating themselves they wanted to come
together and have a conversation with
people who are belonging to the other
side to have a direct dialogue that is
not filtered through media that is not
filtered through politicians and just to
talk face-to-face so they said okay
which one do we want to choose they took
an easy one the israeli-palestinian one
well it’s only a 200-year problem but so
we got together in a beautiful castle
outside of London and have a
conversation they asked me to be the
moderator so I followed a model that
says in business you first ask where are
you where do you need to go and how do
you get there so as I start the
conversation after introduction I say
okay where are you
let’s talk and it begins in a floodgate
you guys are blowing buses at our
streets this is a time where hundreds of
people have been killed
you guys are occupying the best Bank
your settlements are basically taking
our rights
you guys are preaching you guys you guys
two hours of direct very painful but
very powerful conversation and extremely
civilized at the evening we go to have
dinner wonderful we sit around we tell
jokes we laugh as a matter of fact we
realize we really enjoy each other’s
company this is people you don’t sit
across the table ever and all of a
sudden it’s a fantastic evening we’re
really enjoying each other we see a lot
of commonalities we like the same food
we definitely like the same humor you
know six men from Israel six from the
Arab world to other countries from
around the world really having a good
time together we go to sleep I’m feeling
pretty good about myself that was a good
day the next morning I come into the
room I’m following my model I say now
let’s talk about where we want to go how
does the future look one of the guys
from the Arab side says to me Amir hang
on you’re going too fast
so what do you mean he says we’re not
there yet we’re not with you so I’m
thinking to myself okay there goes my
model what do I do now
so I alter us okay let’s divide into
five groups the five groups are
presented in the room and for each group
there will be one person from the
opposite side coached by the members
that side to explain the rationale of
what is the argument of that side the
first one that gets on the stage is a
guy from the Arab side he says I don’t
need to be coached okay saying there
goes my exercise the guy stands up and
starts to talk if I had a table I would
pound on it now he says this is our land
who are you you wandering tribes that
you think you have a right for this
territory we’ve been around here for
3,000 years
where is Jerusalem mentioned in the
Quran while in our Bible God knows how
many times this is an occupied from whom
this was Jordan not the Palestinians
faiths this is the one and only Jewish
state as he sits down we’re all
realizing this guy understands us very
well you know we don’t need to continue
preaching our rhetoric point made you
know move on man the next one that
stands up is in Israeli now he’s
portraying a situation where a father
and the son are walking towards a
roadblock in the West Bank I’m walking
towards the roadblock
I see the soldier I’m really tense
my son looks at me and he sees the sweat
on my face he sees the fear in my eyes
not realizing that what I fear the most
is that he will make an unnecessary move
that will be misinterpreted by the
soldier as he says this there is a deep
silence in the room I look at one of the
guys from the Arab side he seems
emotional I say hey man what’s going on
he says I never thought that an Israeli
ex-pilot will understand how it feels to
be a Palestinian in that moment
something very magical happened we have
experienced what later I labelled
understood that everybody does is called
empathy the ability to be in the other
person’s shoes we just experienced two
powerful lessons that if you want to
talk first let me tell you what I hear
you to say so that you understand that I
understand your point of view and I can
hold it without looking for my
counter-argument immediately and
secondly I know how it feels to be in
your shoes the first step of every
conflict resolution requires fully
understanding each other ideas my
argument my emotions and my need I would
like us to do an exercise together about
being in that position so walk me
through this place think about a
conflict that you have in your life
it could be something that is happening
now it could be something that was in
the past now I would like you to think
about what is your argument the conflict
with a certain individual what is your
argument your facts your feelings your
emotions your needs in this argument and
just for a moment close your eyes please
and tell yourself this argument as if
the other person is standing right in
front of you
breathe and now what I would like you to
do is I would like you to put yourself
in the shoes of the person with whom you
have the argument in body their point of
view completely without resistance
just take it in and see their argument
their issue their emotions and what they
need please close your eyes once again
and get into the mindset of this other
person be that other person stating to
you their counter-argument
thank you
you have just experienced the power of
being in the other person’s shoes the
first step the second step in the
process is the ability to ask ourselves
I have my arguments you have yours but
what really is our shared problem not my
problem with you or you with me
but what is our shared underlying
problem in the case of the
israeli-palestinian we thought the
problem was refugees Jerusalem water
religion the underlining problem we
found to be is lack of mutual trust and
respect we don’t appreciate nor do we
trust your intention nor do we trust
your leaders that they will deliver on
the goods very often we look at the
problem and we say the underlining issue
is ego power struggles lack of
appreciation for the differences in our
style the second question is what works
well not everything is bad this is
coming from positive psychology can we
look at some of the assets that we have
in this situation in a couple we love
each other we care for the kids we
envision a future together in business
we have an amazing complementary team
the two of us are like a momma poppa
store we’re creating an incredible
business what works well is the source
of energy to move ahead this is like
when you look at the stennis player I
don’t know if this is true for Serena
Williams I do know that her service 206
kilometer per hour can you imagine her
strength what a killing instrument that
is on the field the power that she has
when she uses that correctly when you
think about your conflict is I will go
along without pausing ask yourself some
of these questions
the next question is depressing one
what’s the worst-case scenario coming
for risk management understanding where
will it go if it doesn’t
work well if things are not working well
where would it go what’s the worst-case
scenario bad divorce separation loss of
value the loss of investors trust kids
that don’t want to be with us anymore
and kids that fighting generation after
generation with each other
fundamentally our inability to realize
what is happening and do something about
it in real time and if the probability
of your worst-case scenario is high
you’re in trouble
the next question is the most exciting
one is what is the best-case scenario
what is the ideal reality how does it
look like in an ideal reality
this requires visualization closing your
eyes and looking into the future and
saying in X months from now or years
from now I wake up I open my eyes I look
around and I see that everything is
exactly the way I would love it to see
it what does it look like if you can
dream it you can make it the power of
the mind see it in clear details see the
facts see the feeling get excited about
that picture that you’re seeing to say
yeah this is exactly what I want to see
and then ask yourself what will block it
from happening what will be the obstacle
for that to happen and many times what
we see in the obstacles are things that
are about ourselves our own mindset that
we tend many times in conflict to flee
away from it now later I can’t handle it
this is not a good hour or forcing my
way or the highway bullying to which
many people respond by folding and
saying okay I’ll leave it for now until
I come back with a counter-attack when
relationships will change or a
compromise which is looking for a 50/50
solution we understand about fleeing
that putting your head in the sand
doesn’t mean that your butt doesn’t
stick up so what does it take to make
this happen action the group that I met
originally with has realized that while
government signed peace treaties its
people that managed the reconciliation
process so they said what can we do and
then they went to work one guy went to
the West Bank identified a group of
Palestinian women who were weaving these
patches and then help them build a
business and then went to his friend who
happens to be Donna Karan and told her
could you be so kind to put it on your
jeans so these women have an access to
market another guy went to the West Bank
and built clinics and schools for
refugees we realized that we can have
other meetings so they had meetings
between Turks and Greeks and Turks and
Armenians over 1915 Jews and Muslims we
heard about that before but then some
people said we can actually start
tackling problems in a pre active way
like preventive maintenance preventive
nan flicked this is the method in how
it’s called so they went out and
established a group of women in India a
hundred of 10,000 of them that get
together to talk about issues and change
their life they’re talking about issues
like girls safety so that they have a
bathroom when they go to the field they
don’t go to the field to to the bathroom
that there is lighting a hundred and ten
thousand have been trained how to use
this process into work and then in
university students to take twenty five
thousands of them to learn how to be the
change they want to see in the world and
then to take kids off the gang street of
Mexico City and give them an environment
where they can work on their issues
through studying Muay Thai and
practicing how to fight forty years ago
to date exactly on the 19th of November
Anwar Sadat at the time the president of
Egypt came to Israel to speak in front
of the parliament after thirty years of
wars for Wars and thousands of people
killed a very courageous man took a
stand I believe and I would like you to
imagine that we can live in a world
where we understand the power of being
in the other person’s shoes we live in a
world when we understand that conflict
is a desirable energy that we can use as
a force and that we can learn how to
convert conflicts into non flicked in
our life thank you very much
[Applause]
it seems that conflict believes in me
because I have it in my life I have it
in my relationship in my family at work
I mean I can’t see all of you but who
here doesn’t have conflict in their life
even the Dalai Lama has conflict when
you think about it and actually I had an
experience of seeing the worst of
conflict as a young boy growing up next
to my dad who came back from a war in a
prison camp wounded of Israel’s
independence war at the age of 17 and a
big scar on his stomach and a bullet in
his body throughout his life so I’ve
seen the worst however conflict doesn’t
have to be like that because conflict is
actually a very powerful force of life
right conflict is diversity if you look
at the hand it’s made of five different
fingers they’re different and they
complement each other together they’re a
great force if we are able to work well
together as a matter of fact one sign of
wisdom according to scott Fitzgerald is
the ability to hold two opposing
opinions simultaneously I come from a
culture that is very argumented as a
matter of fact we say in our meetings
the first one that stops to breathe
loses the argument
[Music]
and sometimes we also say if two people
agree on everything one of them is
unnecessary so obviously you can imagine
that there is a lot of debate and a lot
of differences tremendous power because
creation happens when we have different
of opinions but sometimes that could end
up being destructive and sometimes it
could be constructive and the challenge
is how do we make it constructive how do
we manage a conversation in a way that
we can grow from it the answer is that
we need to have a process that requires
us to be able to first and foremost
withhold our judgement or counter
opinion and to be able to hold the space
for the other person and to listen
carefully to the counter opinion if
we’re able to do that that’s very
powerful through my experience I’ve come
to develop a process that is made out of
three simple steps so simple that they
can fit on the back of a card and you
can hold it in your hand and follow
through I would like to share with you
how I came to this and then for us to
have an experience of going through it
so this all started after 9/11 when a
group of CEOs top CEOs decided that they
want to do something in the world that
is different than just learning and
educating themselves they wanted to come
together and have a conversation with
people who are belonging to the other
side to have a direct dialogue that is
not filtered through media that is not
filtered through politicians and just to
talk face-to-face so they said okay
which one do we want to choose they took
an easy one the israeli-palestinian one
well it’s only a 200-year problem but so
we got together in a beautiful castle
outside of London and have a
conversation they asked me to be the
moderator so I followed a model that
says in business you first ask where are
you where do you need to go and how do
you get there so as I start the
conversation after introduction I say
okay where are you
let’s talk and it begins in a floodgate
you guys are blowing buses at our
streets this is a time where hundreds of
people have been killed
you guys are occupying the best Bank
your settlements are basically taking
our rights
you guys are preaching you guys you guys
two hours of direct very painful but
very powerful conversation and extremely
civilized at the evening we go to have
dinner wonderful we sit around we tell
jokes we laugh as a matter of fact we
realize we really enjoy each other’s
company this is people you don’t sit
across the table ever and all of a
sudden it’s a fantastic evening we’re
really enjoying each other we see a lot
of commonalities we like the same food
we definitely like the same humor you
know six men from Israel six from the
Arab world to other countries from
around the world really having a good
time together we go to sleep I’m feeling
pretty good about myself that was a good
day the next morning I come into the
room I’m following my model I say now
let’s talk about where we want to go how
does the future look one of the guys
from the Arab side says to me Amir hang
on you’re going too fast
so what do you mean he says we’re not
there yet we’re not with you so I’m
thinking to myself okay there goes my
model what do I do now
so I alter us okay let’s divide into
five groups the five groups are
presented in the room and for each group
there will be one person from the
opposite side coached by the members
that side to explain the rationale of
what is the argument of that side the
first one that gets on the stage is a
guy from the Arab side he says I don’t
need to be coached okay saying there
goes my exercise the guy stands up and
starts to talk if I had a table I would
pound on it now he says this is our land
who are you you wandering tribes that
you think you have a right for this
territory we’ve been around here for
3,000 years
where is Jerusalem mentioned in the
Quran while in our Bible God knows how
many times this is an occupied from whom
this was Jordan not the Palestinians
faiths this is the one and only Jewish
state as he sits down we’re all
realizing this guy understands us very
well you know we don’t need to continue
preaching our rhetoric point made you
know move on man the next one that
stands up is in Israeli now he’s
portraying a situation where a father
and the son are walking towards a
roadblock in the West Bank I’m walking
towards the roadblock
I see the soldier I’m really tense
my son looks at me and he sees the sweat
on my face he sees the fear in my eyes
not realizing that what I fear the most
is that he will make an unnecessary move
that will be misinterpreted by the
soldier as he says this there is a deep
silence in the room I look at one of the
guys from the Arab side he seems
emotional I say hey man what’s going on
he says I never thought that an Israeli
ex-pilot will understand how it feels to
be a Palestinian in that moment
something very magical happened we have
experienced what later I labelled
understood that everybody does is called
empathy the ability to be in the other
person’s shoes we just experienced two
powerful lessons that if you want to
talk first let me tell you what I hear
you to say so that you understand that I
understand your point of view and I can
hold it without looking for my
counter-argument immediately and
secondly I know how it feels to be in
your shoes the first step of every
conflict resolution requires fully
understanding each other ideas my
argument my emotions and my need I would
like us to do an exercise together about
being in that position so walk me
through this place think about a
conflict that you have in your life
it could be something that is happening
now it could be something that was in
the past now I would like you to think
about what is your argument the conflict
with a certain individual what is your
argument your facts your feelings your
emotions your needs in this argument and
just for a moment close your eyes please
and tell yourself this argument as if
the other person is standing right in
front of you
breathe and now what I would like you to
do is I would like you to put yourself
in the shoes of the person with whom you
have the argument in body their point of
view completely without resistance
just take it in and see their argument
their issue their emotions and what they
need please close your eyes once again
and get into the mindset of this other
person be that other person stating to
you their counter-argument
thank you
you have just experienced the power of
being in the other person’s shoes the
first step the second step in the
process is the ability to ask ourselves
I have my arguments you have yours but
what really is our shared problem not my
problem with you or you with me
but what is our shared underlying
problem in the case of the
israeli-palestinian we thought the
problem was refugees Jerusalem water
religion the underlining problem we
found to be is lack of mutual trust and
respect we don’t appreciate nor do we
trust your intention nor do we trust
your leaders that they will deliver on
the goods very often we look at the
problem and we say the underlining issue
is ego power struggles lack of
appreciation for the differences in our
style the second question is what works
well not everything is bad this is
coming from positive psychology can we
look at some of the assets that we have
in this situation in a couple we love
each other we care for the kids we
envision a future together in business
we have an amazing complementary team
the two of us are like a momma poppa
store we’re creating an incredible
business what works well is the source
of energy to move ahead this is like
when you look at the stennis player I
don’t know if this is true for Serena
Williams I do know that her service 206
kilometer per hour can you imagine her
strength what a killing instrument that
is on the field the power that she has
when she uses that correctly when you
think about your conflict is I will go
along without pausing ask yourself some
of these questions
the next question is depressing one
what’s the worst-case scenario coming
for risk management understanding where
will it go if it doesn’t
work well if things are not working well
where would it go what’s the worst-case
scenario bad divorce separation loss of
value the loss of investors trust kids
that don’t want to be with us anymore
and kids that fighting generation after
generation with each other
fundamentally our inability to realize
what is happening and do something about
it in real time and if the probability
of your worst-case scenario is high
you’re in trouble
the next question is the most exciting
one is what is the best-case scenario
what is the ideal reality how does it
look like in an ideal reality
this requires visualization closing your
eyes and looking into the future and
saying in X months from now or years
from now I wake up I open my eyes I look
around and I see that everything is
exactly the way I would love it to see
it what does it look like if you can
dream it you can make it the power of
the mind see it in clear details see the
facts see the feeling get excited about
that picture that you’re seeing to say
yeah this is exactly what I want to see
and then ask yourself what will block it
from happening what will be the obstacle
for that to happen and many times what
we see in the obstacles are things that
are about ourselves our own mindset that
we tend many times in conflict to flee
away from it now later I can’t handle it
this is not a good hour or forcing my
way or the highway bullying to which
many people respond by folding and
saying okay I’ll leave it for now until
I come back with a counter-attack when
relationships will change or a
compromise which is looking for a 50/50
solution we understand about fleeing
that putting your head in the sand
doesn’t mean that your butt doesn’t
stick up so what does it take to make
this happen action the group that I met
originally with has realized that while
government signed peace treaties its
people that managed the reconciliation
process so they said what can we do and
then they went to work one guy went to
the West Bank identified a group of
Palestinian women who were weaving these
patches and then help them build a
business and then went to his friend who
happens to be Donna Karan and told her
could you be so kind to put it on your
jeans so these women have an access to
market another guy went to the West Bank
and built clinics and schools for
refugees we realized that we can have
other meetings so they had meetings
between Turks and Greeks and Turks and
Armenians over 1915 Jews and Muslims we
heard about that before but then some
people said we can actually start
tackling problems in a pre active way
like preventive maintenance preventive
nan flicked this is the method in how
it’s called so they went out and
established a group of women in India a
hundred of 10,000 of them that get
together to talk about issues and change
their life they’re talking about issues
like girls safety so that they have a
bathroom when they go to the field they
don’t go to the field to to the bathroom
that there is lighting a hundred and ten
thousand have been trained how to use
this process into work and then in
university students to take twenty five
thousands of them to learn how to be the
change they want to see in the world and
then to take kids off the gang street of
Mexico City and give them an environment
where they can work on their issues
through studying Muay Thai and
practicing how to fight forty years ago
to date exactly on the 19th of November
Anwar Sadat at the time the president of
Egypt came to Israel to speak in front
of the parliament after thirty years of
wars for Wars and thousands of people
killed a very courageous man took a
stand I believe and I would like you to
imagine that we can live in a world
where we understand the power of being
in the other person’s shoes we live in a
world when we understand that conflict
is a desirable energy that we can use as
a force and that we can learn how to
convert conflicts into non flicked in
our life thank you very much
[Applause]
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