[Applause]
hi I’m a I’m a visual artist an arts
educator I’m pansexual and transgender
in the process of physically
transitioning from male to female and my
pronouns are she her and hers today I’d
like to talk about some of my
experiences with transitioning February
15th 2017 is the day that I was able to
accept that I’m transgender
for me this has been a lifelong ordeal I
grew up in a conservative community in
Iowa during a far less progressive time
when I was 15 my body began to change
and I couldn’t hide my facial hair even
if I shaved multiple times a day I hated
everything that was happening to me and
I was convinced that my body was a
mistake as I began to have feelings of
attraction for girls I was also having
those same feelings for boys and when I
was a teenager my parents passed of AIDS
and the circumstances of my life left me
feeling afraid and unable to be honest
with myself or others about my sexual
orientation and gender identity in 2016
I was asked out by a guy but rather than
have the typical pre-program response I
instilling thought he was really cute
and I began to remember that I’d felt
these things before I didn’t know what
it all meant but for the first time I
wanted to figure it out without knowing
where to begin
I reached out to one of my best friends
she helped me sort through some of my
questions and introduced me to ways in
which people self-identify the term
pansexual felt like a really good fit
for me
simply put someone who’s pansexual
experiences feelings of attraction for
members of all gender identities and
gender expressions it’s about the person
not what’s between their legs or how
they dress working through years of
repression and getting to know my true
self has been a journey and I’ve come
out multiple times
the first is pansexual and then is
pansexual and gender fluid someone whose
gender fluid typically experienced as a
dynamic mix of gender identities for me
a mix of girl days and boy days turned
into mostly girl days in the in-between
days and then almost no boy days at all
and I began to struggle with feeling
January 1st 2017 I started working with
my therapist
she helped me work through questions
that I was
used to hearing and to sort through
those my artistic practice helped me a
lot it allowed me to use my own visual
language before I had the words to
express myself this was critical for me
because every question brought out new
answers which brought out more questions
repress memories and emotions I felt
like I was fluctuating between a formed
and formless sense of identity
March 1st 2017 I started working with my
gender affirmation specialist my vitals
were taken in Iowa stunned I’d lost
fifty five pounds and my heart rate and
blood pressure should return to normal
healthy levels March 21st 2017 I got
amazing news my lab work to determine if
I was healthy enough to begin HRT came
back great and my gender affirmation
specialist decided the safest way for me
to begin would be a testosterone blocker
only and if everything went well I’d
begin estrogen in a month I was prepared
for emotional changes that would help me
feel more emotionally congruent with my
physical self but not to expect any
noticeable physical changes until I’ve
been on estrogen for six to twelve
months later that day I took my first
dose of testosterone blocker I woke up
the next morning happier than ever
completely at peace and I knew I’d done
the right thing for me but by that
evening my entire body started to ache
and I knew something was going on over
the next five days my upper body felt
like it was shrinking and my chest felt
like it was expanding my legs felt like
they were contracting and my butt felt
like it was growing my facial hair and
body hair growth slowed dramatically and
on day three of HRT when I looked in the
mirror
I’d undeniably develop breasts I was
thrilled but also really concerned that
these changes were happening too quickly
and so I went to see my gender
affirmation specialist the look on her
face when she saw me said it all I knew
I hadn’t imagined these things it was
like for the first time my head and
heart wanted the same things knew
exactly what to do and we’re finally
given the right tools so they just went
for it
April 19th 2017 is the day that I
started taking estrogen I didn’t
experience any dramatic changes this
time but whenever I feel frustrated by
the pace of my physical transition so
I’m gonna reminds me how much I’ve
changed
I know that my body is busy doing
exactly what it needs to do for me I’m
only 11 months into my physical
transition and my experiences only
represent one trans woman’s journey and
while everyone’s experiences will vary
because HRT works on a genetic level
typically individuals for transitioning
from male to female at one to three
months can expect to experience a
decrease in libido testicular volume and
spontaneous erections my libido
increased and stayed that way until I’ve
been on estrogen for a couple of months
in two weeks I know there’s fewer
spontaneous erections and a decrease in
testicular volume one changed it was
tough for me emotionally to deal with
was my decrease in sperm count I had
planned on baking sperm within the first
three months in case my future partner
wanted biological children but that
changed too quickly and I wasn’t able to
I’ve also experienced some pretty unique
changes such as my hands and feet
getting smaller both of which were
excruciating well my hands were
shrinking it was impossible for me to
paint or draw and while walking was no
fun I’m actually really excited that my
feet shrank it was difficult for me to
find cute shoes in my size but now I
don’t have a problem with that
transitioning has allowed me to feel
like a real person but it’s also awkward
and physically and emotionally
exhausting when I first came out my
community at school was a supportive
buffer but out in public I was facing
new and uncomfortable social situations
I was constantly harassed at work the
more my body changed the worse it got
and eventually for my own mental health
I was forced to quit my job just walking
for a place to place was unbearable at
times I received constant looks of shock
and disgust in an almost never-ending
barrage of horrible comments things got
so bad that I started to look down at
the sidewalk hoping that people wouldn’t
notice me the whole bathroom thing has
been an absolute nightmare I’ve been
yelled at in both restrooms more times
than I can remember and I’ve been
physically assaulted in the men’s room
on more than one occasion I’m still
dealing with post-traumatic stress from
that
fortunately lately I’ve noticed that my
interactions with people are starting to
change
I no longer receive the comments and the
nasty looks that we’re almost an
everyday experience people walk right up
and talk to me when I’m out with the
girls I noticed people staring at me but
in a way that makes me feel bad like it
used to and I get asked out more now
than ever before a person’s social
environment is largely out of their
control
and when someone who’s questioning their
sexual orientation or gender identity
feels like they have to deny who they
are their ability to function as a human
being becomes compromised and too many
times these situations end tragically
and suicide however when someone who’s
questioning who they are feels safe
they’re more likely to be able to
maintain the levels of self-awareness
that are required to stay mentally and
physically healthy I can’t help but
wonder if I’d have felt like it was okay
to be transgender when I was younger how
much happier and healthier I could have
been I’ve spent over thirty years of my
life pretending to be someone that I’m
not
it’s my sincerest hope that someday soon
no one will feel like they have to hide
being outside of one of the binary
gender categories being transgender
isn’t about the before and the after
it’s about the human spirit and
self-love this is me a year ago and this
is me today but what matters the most is
I’m just another human being thank you [Applause]
hi I’m a I’m a visual artist an arts
educator I’m pansexual and transgender
in the process of physically
transitioning from male to female and my
pronouns are she her and hers today I’d
like to talk about some of my
experiences with transitioning February
15th 2017 is the day that I was able to
accept that I’m transgender
for me this has been a lifelong ordeal I
grew up in a conservative community in
Iowa during a far less progressive time
when I was 15 my body began to change
and I couldn’t hide my facial hair even
if I shaved multiple times a day I hated
everything that was happening to me and
I was convinced that my body was a
mistake as I began to have feelings of
attraction for girls I was also having
those same feelings for boys and when I
was a teenager my parents passed of AIDS
and the circumstances of my life left me
feeling afraid and unable to be honest
with myself or others about my sexual
orientation and gender identity in 2016
I was asked out by a guy but rather than
have the typical pre-program response I
instilling thought he was really cute
and I began to remember that I’d felt
these things before I didn’t know what
it all meant but for the first time I
wanted to figure it out without knowing
where to begin
I reached out to one of my best friends
she helped me sort through some of my
questions and introduced me to ways in
which people self-identify the term
pansexual felt like a really good fit
for me
simply put someone who’s pansexual
experiences feelings of attraction for
members of all gender identities and
gender expressions it’s about the person
not what’s between their legs or how
they dress working through years of
repression and getting to know my true
self has been a journey and I’ve come
out multiple times
the first is pansexual and then is
pansexual and gender fluid someone whose
gender fluid typically experienced as a
dynamic mix of gender identities for me
a mix of girl days and boy days turned
into mostly girl days in the in-between
days and then almost no boy days at all
and I began to struggle with feeling
January 1st 2017 I started working with
my therapist
she helped me work through questions
that I was
used to hearing and to sort through
those my artistic practice helped me a
lot it allowed me to use my own visual
language before I had the words to
express myself this was critical for me
because every question brought out new
answers which brought out more questions
repress memories and emotions I felt
like I was fluctuating between a formed
and formless sense of identity
March 1st 2017 I started working with my
gender affirmation specialist my vitals
were taken in Iowa stunned I’d lost
fifty five pounds and my heart rate and
blood pressure should return to normal
healthy levels March 21st 2017 I got
amazing news my lab work to determine if
I was healthy enough to begin HRT came
back great and my gender affirmation
specialist decided the safest way for me
to begin would be a testosterone blocker
only and if everything went well I’d
begin estrogen in a month I was prepared
for emotional changes that would help me
feel more emotionally congruent with my
physical self but not to expect any
noticeable physical changes until I’ve
been on estrogen for six to twelve
months later that day I took my first
dose of testosterone blocker I woke up
the next morning happier than ever
completely at peace and I knew I’d done
the right thing for me but by that
evening my entire body started to ache
and I knew something was going on over
the next five days my upper body felt
like it was shrinking and my chest felt
like it was expanding my legs felt like
they were contracting and my butt felt
like it was growing my facial hair and
body hair growth slowed dramatically and
on day three of HRT when I looked in the
mirror
I’d undeniably develop breasts I was
thrilled but also really concerned that
these changes were happening too quickly
and so I went to see my gender
affirmation specialist the look on her
face when she saw me said it all I knew
I hadn’t imagined these things it was
like for the first time my head and
heart wanted the same things knew
exactly what to do and we’re finally
given the right tools so they just went
for it
April 19th 2017 is the day that I
started taking estrogen I didn’t
experience any dramatic changes this
time but whenever I feel frustrated by
the pace of my physical transition so
I’m gonna reminds me how much I’ve
changed
I know that my body is busy doing
exactly what it needs to do for me I’m
only 11 months into my physical
transition and my experiences only
represent one trans woman’s journey and
while everyone’s experiences will vary
because HRT works on a genetic level
typically individuals for transitioning
from male to female at one to three
months can expect to experience a
decrease in libido testicular volume and
spontaneous erections my libido
increased and stayed that way until I’ve
been on estrogen for a couple of months
in two weeks I know there’s fewer
spontaneous erections and a decrease in
testicular volume one changed it was
tough for me emotionally to deal with
was my decrease in sperm count I had
planned on baking sperm within the first
three months in case my future partner
wanted biological children but that
changed too quickly and I wasn’t able to
I’ve also experienced some pretty unique
changes such as my hands and feet
getting smaller both of which were
excruciating well my hands were
shrinking it was impossible for me to
paint or draw and while walking was no
fun I’m actually really excited that my
feet shrank it was difficult for me to
find cute shoes in my size but now I
don’t have a problem with that
transitioning has allowed me to feel
like a real person but it’s also awkward
and physically and emotionally
exhausting when I first came out my
community at school was a supportive
buffer but out in public I was facing
new and uncomfortable social situations
I was constantly harassed at work the
more my body changed the worse it got
and eventually for my own mental health
I was forced to quit my job just walking
for a place to place was unbearable at
times I received constant looks of shock
and disgust in an almost never-ending
barrage of horrible comments things got
so bad that I started to look down at
the sidewalk hoping that people wouldn’t
notice me the whole bathroom thing has
been an absolute nightmare I’ve been
yelled at in both restrooms more times
than I can remember and I’ve been
physically assaulted in the men’s room
on more than one occasion I’m still
dealing with post-traumatic stress from
that
fortunately lately I’ve noticed that my
interactions with people are starting to
change
I no longer receive the comments and the
nasty looks that we’re almost an
everyday experience people walk right up
and talk to me when I’m out with the
girls I noticed people staring at me but
in a way that makes me feel bad like it
used to and I get asked out more now
than ever before a person’s social
environment is largely out of their
control
and when someone who’s questioning their
sexual orientation or gender identity
feels like they have to deny who they
are their ability to function as a human
being becomes compromised and too many
times these situations end tragically
and suicide however when someone who’s
questioning who they are feels safe
they’re more likely to be able to
maintain the levels of self-awareness
that are required to stay mentally and
physically healthy I can’t help but
wonder if I’d have felt like it was okay
to be transgender when I was younger how
much happier and healthier I could have
been I’ve spent over thirty years of my
life pretending to be someone that I’m
not
it’s my sincerest hope that someday soon
no one will feel like they have to hide
being outside of one of the binary
gender categories being transgender
isn’t about the before and the after
it’s about the human spirit and
self-love this is me a year ago and this
is me today but what matters the most is
I’m just another human being thank you [Applause]
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