well good morning it’s very nice to be
here but I am speaking to some of the
smartest high school students in the
country maybe in the world so this is a
very exciting opportunity for me to be
here and to be able to share some of my
journey with you and what I’m learning
because I feel like the journey that I’m
on is so critical to your generation
because it really concerns the divide in
this country and how it is we’re going
to heal it and it’s not just a divide in
this country it really is a divide in
this world and this I didn’t expect to
get emotional already but this is
critical if we figure this out I think
we all know that we have to figure out
how to get along so since August last
year I’ve had the opportunity to travel
a little bit around the country and lead
a workshop that I developed and it’s
called difficult conversations the art
and science of learning to think
together and the focus of this workshop
really is to explore three conditions
that if present actually allow us to
have productive healing constructive
conversations with anyone I’m very
passionate about these three conditions
and I’m just going to offer them to you
you can think about them and you can
figure out if they make sense to you or
not but to me they’re they’re critical
and they’re worth really a lifetime of
exploration before I actually share
those three conditions with you I want
to just talk a little bit about the
journey that led to them and it really
started with a conversation rode to her
that I took with my son well a former
Mountain View high school student and we
we took this tour at the beginning of
2017 just after the 2016 election we
called it pop the bubble and our goal
was to travel across the country to talk
to as many people as we possibly could
who are outside of
and to ask them what were they thinking
and how were they feeling about the
state of our country and what were their
ideas for how we might heal our divided
and again and again one thing we heard
actually was the importance of
conversation that it was critical that
we learn how to talk to each other and
one thing that actually sort of
surprised us was that most people do
want to have a conversation with the
other side whatever that had the side
whoever that other side is for people
and even if they didn’t necessarily
really want to they were willing to so
why weren’t those conversations
happening why were our divisions getting
deeper rather than narrower and so as we
continued our journey what we realized
that it really came down to fear that
what keeps us from talking to each other
is fear and in our experience what it
seemed to be the conservatives that we
spoke with they feared being vilified
for their views liberals on the other
hand actually feared that they would
lose their cool that in the face of
thoughts perspectives ideas that they
found seriously objectionable that they
were just going to get angry and upset
and so why bother to engage now that
particular perspective I encountered
again when when will and I came home and
I was talking to my friends and I would
tell them about some of the
conversations that I had had
particularly with those on the other
side and almost universally the response
that I got was this how were you able to
talk to those people and their
assumption was that I was subjecting
myself to some extremely unpleasant
experience which actually surprised me
because it wasn’t difficult it was not
hard at all to talk to people on the
other side I didn’t feel like vilifying
them and I wasn’t getting upset will was
having exactly the same experience it
wasn’t hard for him either and so I
started to think about well what were
the conditions that were present in
this road trip that enabled that to
happen and so here the three that I want
to share with you the first condition is
simply to acknowledge that we are all in
this together
the people we don’t like the people we
disagree with the people that we might
think of as our enemy they’re not going
away
they’re not they’re here they’re part of
the picture and we have to learn how to
engage and we know we have to learn how
to engage because what we’re doing right
now isn’t working I’m not a fan of the
hashtag resist I mean we don’t need to
resist each other we need to engage with
each other we don’t need to vilify each
other we don’t need to shame each other
we don’t need to try to marginalize each
other all that does is deepen our divide
and deepen our dysfunction that’s all it
does so we need to take on a challenge
and that challenge is to figure out how
to creatively and constructively engage
with people that we regard as our
adversaries now let’s assume right now
that we are willing to take that on that
yes we are going to figure that out
how can we do it well that brings us to
condition number two we need to start
practicing to put the relationship ahead
of being right we need to put people
before our positions we need to put
connection before our convictions now
that’s me may sound to you is exactly
opposite of what we need to do it may
sound illogical to be sound foolish may
sound naive and in my experience it is
none of those things it’s very logical
it’s very practical and it’s also
putting our relationship first doesn’t
mean we set aside our convictions or our
positions what it means and all it means
is that before we even try to convey our
convictions in position we establish a
strong relationship so that we can be
heard so that our position and
convictions can actually be considered
that’s really what putting the
relationship first means but it takes
work we have to build up a spirit of
trust we have to build up a spirit of
goodwill we have to make a connection
with people one of the biggest mistakes
we make and we make it all the time
is we try to have a conversation about a
heated controversial topic with people
we don’t even know we don’t even know
the most relationship we have is that we
happen to be passionate about some
subject that we disagree on that’s not
the foundation for a constructive
conversation we have to take the time to
build the relationship first and the way
to build the relationship probably the
key word that enables us to build a
relationship is acceptance to accept
each other
that doesn’t mean accepting their views
or their positions in our conversations
that was never a requirement but we did
have to accept them as people we had to
accept their humanity and we had to
treat them with respect and when we did
that we had incredibly productive
conversations so that is prioritizing
the relationship over being right now
that’s not easy to do it is not easy to
build a relationship with someone who
you think feel is your adversary and is
on the other side so how do we do it
and that brings us to condition number
three and I call this seeing beyond your
story we all have a story and that story
is the sum total of our experiences and
I want you to consider some of the
factors in our life some of the
[Music]
conditions in our life that determine
what sort of experiences we have think
about the family you were born into the
particular values of your family the
expectations of your family the rules of
your family think about your gender
that’s a powerful determiner of the kind
of experience you have in the world your
race your ethnicity your religion your
culture to name a few those powerfully
shaped how we see the world and how we
interact with that world and what
happens is we they it creates a filter
through which we see the world in the
workshop that I lead one of the things
we I ask people to do is to draw or
write their story on a clear piece of
paper acetate and so they do it they
write and they mark it all up and then I
ask them to look through it and they get
this visceral experience of looking
through their story and seeing how it
obstructs their vision how it obstructs
what they’re looking at and so when we
are in conflict with somebody what we
need to do is that this is actually
where where the problem comes in I’m
but when we don’t know that we have a
story when we don’t know that we are so
conditioned by our experiences we tend
to look at the world like this all we
see is our story and what we need to do
what we need to learn to do is actually
gain some distance from our story we
need to detach from our story when we
gain some distance from our story what
happens is we open up our perspective we
open up our field of view we start to
become more aware of how our story
influences us but also very powerfully
we begin to see the stories of others
and it is by getting beyond our story
and into the story of others that we are
actually able to connect at the level of
our humanity we can actually move beyond
our story not have that be the thing
that gets in our way and connect with
someone at the level of their humanity
now let me give you just one example of
what I’m talking about when my son was
younger same son well he was in karate
and he was at a program to get his black
belt and in his program was a
middle-aged man who was also in the
program getting his black belt and I
would go and I had watch them practice
and I would notice that this man
approached the the program with
incredible fervor he just had so much
energy into it and he was just so
committed and just just so just so 100
percent of absorbed and and chest I mean
he just was giving it everything and he
was taking it so seriously and I was
looking at him and I was looking at him
through my story and I I was judging him
because it seemed too much it was
overdone he was too enthusiastic too
serious there was something off about
that level of commitment for a program
like this
but my story said and one way we know
we’re here and we were in our story is
when we start judging others that’s a
sign that we’re in our story well later
on what I found out was that he actually
began that program with his daughter and
they were going to go through the
program together and they were going to
have a beautiful experience or in their
in their black belt together would be
something they would always remember and
always cherish well part way through the
program his daughter was killed in a car
accident I couldn’t see that through my
story and then all of a sudden I totally
got it
I totally understood why he had such
energy and passion around what he was
doing he wasn’t just getting his black
belt it was much much more meaningful
than that to him and so that’s an
example of the power of when we get out
of our story and into someone else’s
story we’re able to deeply understand
why they do what they do and when we
understand why people do what they do
when we when we understand the story
that’s behind their actions we
understand them and it develops that
sense of our common humanity that
supersedes that transcends our
differences so in summary the three
conditions are to acknowledge that we’re
all in this together and we need to
figure out how to work together we have
to prioritize what the relationship over
being right we have to take the time to
really build those relationships and the
key to building those relationships is
to see beyond your story and really to
get to know the story of the others
thank you
[Applause] you
here but I am speaking to some of the
smartest high school students in the
country maybe in the world so this is a
very exciting opportunity for me to be
here and to be able to share some of my
journey with you and what I’m learning
because I feel like the journey that I’m
on is so critical to your generation
because it really concerns the divide in
this country and how it is we’re going
to heal it and it’s not just a divide in
this country it really is a divide in
this world and this I didn’t expect to
get emotional already but this is
critical if we figure this out I think
we all know that we have to figure out
how to get along so since August last
year I’ve had the opportunity to travel
a little bit around the country and lead
a workshop that I developed and it’s
called difficult conversations the art
and science of learning to think
together and the focus of this workshop
really is to explore three conditions
that if present actually allow us to
have productive healing constructive
conversations with anyone I’m very
passionate about these three conditions
and I’m just going to offer them to you
you can think about them and you can
figure out if they make sense to you or
not but to me they’re they’re critical
and they’re worth really a lifetime of
exploration before I actually share
those three conditions with you I want
to just talk a little bit about the
journey that led to them and it really
started with a conversation rode to her
that I took with my son well a former
Mountain View high school student and we
we took this tour at the beginning of
2017 just after the 2016 election we
called it pop the bubble and our goal
was to travel across the country to talk
to as many people as we possibly could
who are outside of
and to ask them what were they thinking
and how were they feeling about the
state of our country and what were their
ideas for how we might heal our divided
and again and again one thing we heard
actually was the importance of
conversation that it was critical that
we learn how to talk to each other and
one thing that actually sort of
surprised us was that most people do
want to have a conversation with the
other side whatever that had the side
whoever that other side is for people
and even if they didn’t necessarily
really want to they were willing to so
why weren’t those conversations
happening why were our divisions getting
deeper rather than narrower and so as we
continued our journey what we realized
that it really came down to fear that
what keeps us from talking to each other
is fear and in our experience what it
seemed to be the conservatives that we
spoke with they feared being vilified
for their views liberals on the other
hand actually feared that they would
lose their cool that in the face of
thoughts perspectives ideas that they
found seriously objectionable that they
were just going to get angry and upset
and so why bother to engage now that
particular perspective I encountered
again when when will and I came home and
I was talking to my friends and I would
tell them about some of the
conversations that I had had
particularly with those on the other
side and almost universally the response
that I got was this how were you able to
talk to those people and their
assumption was that I was subjecting
myself to some extremely unpleasant
experience which actually surprised me
because it wasn’t difficult it was not
hard at all to talk to people on the
other side I didn’t feel like vilifying
them and I wasn’t getting upset will was
having exactly the same experience it
wasn’t hard for him either and so I
started to think about well what were
the conditions that were present in
this road trip that enabled that to
happen and so here the three that I want
to share with you the first condition is
simply to acknowledge that we are all in
this together
the people we don’t like the people we
disagree with the people that we might
think of as our enemy they’re not going
away
they’re not they’re here they’re part of
the picture and we have to learn how to
engage and we know we have to learn how
to engage because what we’re doing right
now isn’t working I’m not a fan of the
hashtag resist I mean we don’t need to
resist each other we need to engage with
each other we don’t need to vilify each
other we don’t need to shame each other
we don’t need to try to marginalize each
other all that does is deepen our divide
and deepen our dysfunction that’s all it
does so we need to take on a challenge
and that challenge is to figure out how
to creatively and constructively engage
with people that we regard as our
adversaries now let’s assume right now
that we are willing to take that on that
yes we are going to figure that out
how can we do it well that brings us to
condition number two we need to start
practicing to put the relationship ahead
of being right we need to put people
before our positions we need to put
connection before our convictions now
that’s me may sound to you is exactly
opposite of what we need to do it may
sound illogical to be sound foolish may
sound naive and in my experience it is
none of those things it’s very logical
it’s very practical and it’s also
putting our relationship first doesn’t
mean we set aside our convictions or our
positions what it means and all it means
is that before we even try to convey our
convictions in position we establish a
strong relationship so that we can be
heard so that our position and
convictions can actually be considered
that’s really what putting the
relationship first means but it takes
work we have to build up a spirit of
trust we have to build up a spirit of
goodwill we have to make a connection
with people one of the biggest mistakes
we make and we make it all the time
is we try to have a conversation about a
heated controversial topic with people
we don’t even know we don’t even know
the most relationship we have is that we
happen to be passionate about some
subject that we disagree on that’s not
the foundation for a constructive
conversation we have to take the time to
build the relationship first and the way
to build the relationship probably the
key word that enables us to build a
relationship is acceptance to accept
each other
that doesn’t mean accepting their views
or their positions in our conversations
that was never a requirement but we did
have to accept them as people we had to
accept their humanity and we had to
treat them with respect and when we did
that we had incredibly productive
conversations so that is prioritizing
the relationship over being right now
that’s not easy to do it is not easy to
build a relationship with someone who
you think feel is your adversary and is
on the other side so how do we do it
and that brings us to condition number
three and I call this seeing beyond your
story we all have a story and that story
is the sum total of our experiences and
I want you to consider some of the
factors in our life some of the
[Music]
conditions in our life that determine
what sort of experiences we have think
about the family you were born into the
particular values of your family the
expectations of your family the rules of
your family think about your gender
that’s a powerful determiner of the kind
of experience you have in the world your
race your ethnicity your religion your
culture to name a few those powerfully
shaped how we see the world and how we
interact with that world and what
happens is we they it creates a filter
through which we see the world in the
workshop that I lead one of the things
we I ask people to do is to draw or
write their story on a clear piece of
paper acetate and so they do it they
write and they mark it all up and then I
ask them to look through it and they get
this visceral experience of looking
through their story and seeing how it
obstructs their vision how it obstructs
what they’re looking at and so when we
are in conflict with somebody what we
need to do is that this is actually
where where the problem comes in I’m
but when we don’t know that we have a
story when we don’t know that we are so
conditioned by our experiences we tend
to look at the world like this all we
see is our story and what we need to do
what we need to learn to do is actually
gain some distance from our story we
need to detach from our story when we
gain some distance from our story what
happens is we open up our perspective we
open up our field of view we start to
become more aware of how our story
influences us but also very powerfully
we begin to see the stories of others
and it is by getting beyond our story
and into the story of others that we are
actually able to connect at the level of
our humanity we can actually move beyond
our story not have that be the thing
that gets in our way and connect with
someone at the level of their humanity
now let me give you just one example of
what I’m talking about when my son was
younger same son well he was in karate
and he was at a program to get his black
belt and in his program was a
middle-aged man who was also in the
program getting his black belt and I
would go and I had watch them practice
and I would notice that this man
approached the the program with
incredible fervor he just had so much
energy into it and he was just so
committed and just just so just so 100
percent of absorbed and and chest I mean
he just was giving it everything and he
was taking it so seriously and I was
looking at him and I was looking at him
through my story and I I was judging him
because it seemed too much it was
overdone he was too enthusiastic too
serious there was something off about
that level of commitment for a program
like this
but my story said and one way we know
we’re here and we were in our story is
when we start judging others that’s a
sign that we’re in our story well later
on what I found out was that he actually
began that program with his daughter and
they were going to go through the
program together and they were going to
have a beautiful experience or in their
in their black belt together would be
something they would always remember and
always cherish well part way through the
program his daughter was killed in a car
accident I couldn’t see that through my
story and then all of a sudden I totally
got it
I totally understood why he had such
energy and passion around what he was
doing he wasn’t just getting his black
belt it was much much more meaningful
than that to him and so that’s an
example of the power of when we get out
of our story and into someone else’s
story we’re able to deeply understand
why they do what they do and when we
understand why people do what they do
when we when we understand the story
that’s behind their actions we
understand them and it develops that
sense of our common humanity that
supersedes that transcends our
differences so in summary the three
conditions are to acknowledge that we’re
all in this together and we need to
figure out how to work together we have
to prioritize what the relationship over
being right we have to take the time to
really build those relationships and the
key to building those relationships is
to see beyond your story and really to
get to know the story of the others
thank you
[Applause] you
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