so this is me as a freshman at
Northwestern University in Evanston
Illinois and this is my roommate Barbara
I came from Miami Barbara came from
Maryland and this is back in the
pre-digital Dark Ages there is no
Facebook Mark Zuckerberg he’s in
kindergarten there’s no online way to
match roommates so Barbara and I were
genuinely thrilled when we matched up
you see weirdly we had both done
internships at the public defender’s
office when we were in high school
less weirdly we had both been obsessed
with Christian Slater in that gen-x
movie classic Heather’s and totally
coincidentally we both showed up with
the same late blue and gray duvet covers
from Bloomingdale’s Barbara was my
instant best friend
two weeks after school started Greek
Rush began now northwestern had a rockin
Greek system about half of all students
were in sororities and fraternities and
about a hundred percent of my freshman
dorm was rushing at least it felt that
way so it seemed like to have a social
life you needed to go Greek well for
those of you who may not be familiar
with sorority rush let me fill you in
sorority rush is like a mash-up of Shark
Tank me survivor meets Legally Blonde
before Reese Witherspoon goes to law
school it’s like an all-girl
speed-dating to see who’s cool enough
for the sisterhood and he’s gonna get
kicked off the island so been weakened
to rush with the RA would do in our dorm
she call all the girls names out into
the hallway and she’s gonna show you the
list of where you’ve matched up so when
the RA calls my name she looks miserable
like seriously like she’s gonna throw up
she quietly shows me my list I have been
cut from every single house every single
one I’m horrified I’m stunned I cried
and then I called my mom Barbara on the
other hand her list goes on forever she
gets into every single house she is
being wooed and
recruited hard by every sorority she is
like the NFL number-one draft pick I’m
not really sure how I pulled myself
together I did get involved with the
northwestern daily and I got involved in
local Chicago politics and it would be
really awesome and make for a really
tidy and convenient ending to say I
found my tribe at the northwestern daily
and I made great friends through
politics but no that wouldn’t be true no
my people were going to those really
silly sorority functions and fraternity
formals so jump ahead to sophomore year
Barbara is still my roommate and I
decide to do something really crazy
totally insane I decide that I’m going
to rush again you see I think that last
year was all just a big misunderstanding
I’m thinking that those girls didn’t
know me maybe it was my red lipstick
that came off as a little too aggressive
maybe I just wasn’t perky or fun enough
maybe it was too intense maybe I needed
to channel a little bit more barb so cut
to re rush I think everything’s really
going great I think I got this and you
know what I have friends who are
scattered throughout all the different
sorority houses so I’m feeling very
strategic I’ve got like a grassroot
grassroots lobbying campaign happening
so I’m feeling like I got it when the RA
calls my name I’m feeling pretty
confident until she shows me my list now
my head is going to explode again I have
been cut from every single house that I
want to get into but this time it’s much
worse because this time I have been
blackballed by girls who know me I’m
devastated
now I get that this is a first-world
problem we’re getting cut from sorority
rush I get that but at 18 and 19 years
old this is my world and I have been
rejected from the sisterhood I’m
humiliated humiliation is a powerful
emotion it’s a cousin to embarrassment
but it cuts much deeper you see
embarrassment is something that we bring
upon ourselves and that we can often
joke about later but humiliation is
brought upon us by others fundamentally
humiliation is a loss of our pride and
our dignity the human experience of
humiliation goes back to primitive times
when we are hunters gatherers living in
tribes social ostracism pretty much
meant death we physically couldn’t
survive on our own rejection triggers
the same emotions in us as physical pain
does so essentially that our bodies
create the same natural painkillers as
if we’ve experienced physical pain so a
broken heart can feel like a broken arm
for the past couple of years when I was
researching and writing my book fearless
and free how smart women pivot and
relaunched their career careers
something struck me as I really dug into
why it was that some women could create
change in their lives they could
completely reinvent themselves they can
do a hundred and eighty in their careers
they can launch businesses it all came
down to one thing
confidence I wondered why it was that
some people could just sort of push
through all of those anxieties and fears
and make some change for themselves
make some movement while other people
really got stuck they get mired in their
own anxieties and insecurities I also
wondered why it was that some people
just seemed to exude confidence right
like are they wired that way and is
there a gender difference going on are
men actually more confident than women
so what I found was really fascinating
it does seem that there is an
inheritable trait and confidence and
that some of us are predisposed to
confidence and there is also a hormonal
connection it looks like an increase in
top testosterone can increase your
confidence so men may have a biological
edge on confidence but what I also found
that was really empowering especially
for those of us who may not have hit the
genetic lottery when it comes to
confidence confidence is like a muscle
that we can grow when we can cultivate
and the fastest way to make that happen
is to take risks to put ourselves out
there the Navy SEALs has a great
expression get comfortable being
uncomfortable and I love that and of
course it’s for the Navy SEALs but it’s
really something that speaks to all of
us because it’s in those uncomfortable
places where the greatest growth can
occur the greatest confidence can
develop so as I was looking at
confidence as I was
my book I was also looking at failure
and I was really intrigued to discover
the connection between confidence and
failure I was looking at women who had
rebounded from failure you see I have an
intimate relationship with failure it’s
not just my epic fail from sorority rush
in fact I would not be standing here
today if I hadn’t failed as many times
as I have now to be clear I’ve had a
really robust career I’ve done a lot of
interesting things at 21 years old I was
a Capitol Hill press secretary I’m
pretty sure I was a youngest press
secretary on the hill I think I was also
the lowest paid I was also TV news
producer I’ve written two books I worked
in PR and in a very random move I was
the on-air spokesperson for TripAdvisor
so I like to say that I’m not a travel
expert but I did play one on TV but I’ve
also lost my job I’ve been fired a
couple of times so I really understand
failure and by the way it can suck it is
not so comfortable but that is also why
I think I’m fascinated with the failure
fetish that exists in Silicon Valley you
see there they have reimagined failure
as a sign of success there the boys in
the hoodies who burned through millions
of dollars of venture capital cash all
in the name of disrupting industries and
changing the world they’re not hiding
under Iraq when their companies blow up
oh no
there are celebrated it is a notch in
the belt it is a badge of honor it is a
respected part of the journey but it is
not a journey that most women are
comfortable with so why is that well we
hear all the time that women don’t like
to fail that were raised to be perfect
we’re applauded when we’re perfect and
we’re not taking the risks that men do
the tons of studies support this so
we’re not blowing things up and
disrupting we’ve been playing it safe
but the good news is it seems like we’re
in the midst of a cultural shift we’re
raising strong fearless girls with grit
it’s become a social imperative if not
an all-out battle cry in certain circles
feminism has even had a makeover when I
went to college feminism was fringe and
frumpy and radical but today it’s
fashionable with its t-shirts anise
celebrities and it’s bumper stickers and
even Madison Avenue has gotten into
feminism they actually call it femme
Verizon campaigns now where they’re
celebrating girl power images and
unapologetic women and this is great
right this is really inspiring but what
else what else can we be doing aside
from not praising girls when they’re
perfect I think there’s another P word
it’s not just perfect I think the other
P word is polite we need to stop
demanding that girls are so polite that
they be the nice girl the sweet girl the
good girl that they not stand up that
they not be controversial that they not
offend I think that the polite girl who
asks for permission is that odds with
the disruptive girl who takes risks and
goes all in and yes she’s gonna fail and
she may fail hard and she may even be
humiliated but it’s in that humiliation
that she finds her spirit in her
strength and herself I think that today
some of our most influential role models
are women who have shown us their their
strength and courage in the face of
humiliation there’s probably no one in
pop culture her better represents bold
exquisite fierce womanhood than our
queen bee Beyonce look hurt our swagger
is like bouncing off of that bodysuit
she sweats confidence and in 2016 the
internet pretty much exploded with
rumors of her husband jay-z cheating on
her right I mean that is of the most
personal type of humiliation and what
did she do she turned it all into a
Grammy award-winning album lemonade she
reclaimed her story and wrote her lyrics
and wrote her narrative and she truly
made lemonade out of lemons and then
there’s Hillary Clinton even my mention
of Hillary is like a third rail she’s
been more scorned more disdain more
humiliated than any modern figure and
yet like a phoenix rising from the ashes
she is rebounded time and time again and
in the most unexpected twist to her
losing the presidency millions of women
organ
in marched and all around her loss they
found their voice they found strength in
her defeat I think we’re in the midst of
definitely a moment if not a mini
revolution where from Hollywood to
Silicon Valley to the news media to Wall
Street women are coming forward and
sharing their stories of humiliation
whether it’s gender discrimination or
sexual harassment or sexual assault
they are reclaiming their stories
sharing them getting stronger in
rewriting the ending so at first you may
think that confidence is crushed because
of humiliation and I don’t think there’s
any parent out there who hopes and
wishes that their child be humiliated
and I don’t think there’s anyone sitting
out here who’s hoping for a humiliating
experience themselves but it is in that
moment that we realize that we can
survive and that it’s not going to be
comfortable but it will be
transformative so what if we all had a
little bit of a failure fetish what if
we all embraced it as you know part of
our journey
think about how liberating it would be
to not fear judgment and not fear being
humiliated super meaning would be to
feel like you can go all-in and fail
when I was writing my book fearless and
free people would ask me all of the time
where did my fearlessness come from
where did my confidence come from and
honestly I never had a great answer and
then one night I was taking a shower and
I had this epiphany and I swear I’m not
making this up these are where my
epiphanies happen in the shower and I
really thought it all circled back to
sorority rush now I know that sounds
sort of crazy but it was in that moment
of getting cut from houses two years in
a row where I realized I didn’t have a
squad of girls behind me I didn’t have a
tribe but I didn’t perish like our
caveman ancestors did I learned to lean
into myself and I found more strength
than myself than I think I probably ever
realized and I was no longer afraid to
fail or be humiliated that had already
happened so I want to end with one of my
favorite female Hollywood screenwriters
directors she knew something about
humiliation – she wrote a best-selling
novel
burn that then became a ward winning
movie she also was really known for
writing strong female smart funny
characters the amazing Nora Ephron and
she says above all be the heroine of
your life not the victim thank you so
much
[Applause]
Northwestern University in Evanston
Illinois and this is my roommate Barbara
I came from Miami Barbara came from
Maryland and this is back in the
pre-digital Dark Ages there is no
Facebook Mark Zuckerberg he’s in
kindergarten there’s no online way to
match roommates so Barbara and I were
genuinely thrilled when we matched up
you see weirdly we had both done
internships at the public defender’s
office when we were in high school
less weirdly we had both been obsessed
with Christian Slater in that gen-x
movie classic Heather’s and totally
coincidentally we both showed up with
the same late blue and gray duvet covers
from Bloomingdale’s Barbara was my
instant best friend
two weeks after school started Greek
Rush began now northwestern had a rockin
Greek system about half of all students
were in sororities and fraternities and
about a hundred percent of my freshman
dorm was rushing at least it felt that
way so it seemed like to have a social
life you needed to go Greek well for
those of you who may not be familiar
with sorority rush let me fill you in
sorority rush is like a mash-up of Shark
Tank me survivor meets Legally Blonde
before Reese Witherspoon goes to law
school it’s like an all-girl
speed-dating to see who’s cool enough
for the sisterhood and he’s gonna get
kicked off the island so been weakened
to rush with the RA would do in our dorm
she call all the girls names out into
the hallway and she’s gonna show you the
list of where you’ve matched up so when
the RA calls my name she looks miserable
like seriously like she’s gonna throw up
she quietly shows me my list I have been
cut from every single house every single
one I’m horrified I’m stunned I cried
and then I called my mom Barbara on the
other hand her list goes on forever she
gets into every single house she is
being wooed and
recruited hard by every sorority she is
like the NFL number-one draft pick I’m
not really sure how I pulled myself
together I did get involved with the
northwestern daily and I got involved in
local Chicago politics and it would be
really awesome and make for a really
tidy and convenient ending to say I
found my tribe at the northwestern daily
and I made great friends through
politics but no that wouldn’t be true no
my people were going to those really
silly sorority functions and fraternity
formals so jump ahead to sophomore year
Barbara is still my roommate and I
decide to do something really crazy
totally insane I decide that I’m going
to rush again you see I think that last
year was all just a big misunderstanding
I’m thinking that those girls didn’t
know me maybe it was my red lipstick
that came off as a little too aggressive
maybe I just wasn’t perky or fun enough
maybe it was too intense maybe I needed
to channel a little bit more barb so cut
to re rush I think everything’s really
going great I think I got this and you
know what I have friends who are
scattered throughout all the different
sorority houses so I’m feeling very
strategic I’ve got like a grassroot
grassroots lobbying campaign happening
so I’m feeling like I got it when the RA
calls my name I’m feeling pretty
confident until she shows me my list now
my head is going to explode again I have
been cut from every single house that I
want to get into but this time it’s much
worse because this time I have been
blackballed by girls who know me I’m
devastated
now I get that this is a first-world
problem we’re getting cut from sorority
rush I get that but at 18 and 19 years
old this is my world and I have been
rejected from the sisterhood I’m
humiliated humiliation is a powerful
emotion it’s a cousin to embarrassment
but it cuts much deeper you see
embarrassment is something that we bring
upon ourselves and that we can often
joke about later but humiliation is
brought upon us by others fundamentally
humiliation is a loss of our pride and
our dignity the human experience of
humiliation goes back to primitive times
when we are hunters gatherers living in
tribes social ostracism pretty much
meant death we physically couldn’t
survive on our own rejection triggers
the same emotions in us as physical pain
does so essentially that our bodies
create the same natural painkillers as
if we’ve experienced physical pain so a
broken heart can feel like a broken arm
for the past couple of years when I was
researching and writing my book fearless
and free how smart women pivot and
relaunched their career careers
something struck me as I really dug into
why it was that some women could create
change in their lives they could
completely reinvent themselves they can
do a hundred and eighty in their careers
they can launch businesses it all came
down to one thing
confidence I wondered why it was that
some people could just sort of push
through all of those anxieties and fears
and make some change for themselves
make some movement while other people
really got stuck they get mired in their
own anxieties and insecurities I also
wondered why it was that some people
just seemed to exude confidence right
like are they wired that way and is
there a gender difference going on are
men actually more confident than women
so what I found was really fascinating
it does seem that there is an
inheritable trait and confidence and
that some of us are predisposed to
confidence and there is also a hormonal
connection it looks like an increase in
top testosterone can increase your
confidence so men may have a biological
edge on confidence but what I also found
that was really empowering especially
for those of us who may not have hit the
genetic lottery when it comes to
confidence confidence is like a muscle
that we can grow when we can cultivate
and the fastest way to make that happen
is to take risks to put ourselves out
there the Navy SEALs has a great
expression get comfortable being
uncomfortable and I love that and of
course it’s for the Navy SEALs but it’s
really something that speaks to all of
us because it’s in those uncomfortable
places where the greatest growth can
occur the greatest confidence can
develop so as I was looking at
confidence as I was
my book I was also looking at failure
and I was really intrigued to discover
the connection between confidence and
failure I was looking at women who had
rebounded from failure you see I have an
intimate relationship with failure it’s
not just my epic fail from sorority rush
in fact I would not be standing here
today if I hadn’t failed as many times
as I have now to be clear I’ve had a
really robust career I’ve done a lot of
interesting things at 21 years old I was
a Capitol Hill press secretary I’m
pretty sure I was a youngest press
secretary on the hill I think I was also
the lowest paid I was also TV news
producer I’ve written two books I worked
in PR and in a very random move I was
the on-air spokesperson for TripAdvisor
so I like to say that I’m not a travel
expert but I did play one on TV but I’ve
also lost my job I’ve been fired a
couple of times so I really understand
failure and by the way it can suck it is
not so comfortable but that is also why
I think I’m fascinated with the failure
fetish that exists in Silicon Valley you
see there they have reimagined failure
as a sign of success there the boys in
the hoodies who burned through millions
of dollars of venture capital cash all
in the name of disrupting industries and
changing the world they’re not hiding
under Iraq when their companies blow up
oh no
there are celebrated it is a notch in
the belt it is a badge of honor it is a
respected part of the journey but it is
not a journey that most women are
comfortable with so why is that well we
hear all the time that women don’t like
to fail that were raised to be perfect
we’re applauded when we’re perfect and
we’re not taking the risks that men do
the tons of studies support this so
we’re not blowing things up and
disrupting we’ve been playing it safe
but the good news is it seems like we’re
in the midst of a cultural shift we’re
raising strong fearless girls with grit
it’s become a social imperative if not
an all-out battle cry in certain circles
feminism has even had a makeover when I
went to college feminism was fringe and
frumpy and radical but today it’s
fashionable with its t-shirts anise
celebrities and it’s bumper stickers and
even Madison Avenue has gotten into
feminism they actually call it femme
Verizon campaigns now where they’re
celebrating girl power images and
unapologetic women and this is great
right this is really inspiring but what
else what else can we be doing aside
from not praising girls when they’re
perfect I think there’s another P word
it’s not just perfect I think the other
P word is polite we need to stop
demanding that girls are so polite that
they be the nice girl the sweet girl the
good girl that they not stand up that
they not be controversial that they not
offend I think that the polite girl who
asks for permission is that odds with
the disruptive girl who takes risks and
goes all in and yes she’s gonna fail and
she may fail hard and she may even be
humiliated but it’s in that humiliation
that she finds her spirit in her
strength and herself I think that today
some of our most influential role models
are women who have shown us their their
strength and courage in the face of
humiliation there’s probably no one in
pop culture her better represents bold
exquisite fierce womanhood than our
queen bee Beyonce look hurt our swagger
is like bouncing off of that bodysuit
she sweats confidence and in 2016 the
internet pretty much exploded with
rumors of her husband jay-z cheating on
her right I mean that is of the most
personal type of humiliation and what
did she do she turned it all into a
Grammy award-winning album lemonade she
reclaimed her story and wrote her lyrics
and wrote her narrative and she truly
made lemonade out of lemons and then
there’s Hillary Clinton even my mention
of Hillary is like a third rail she’s
been more scorned more disdain more
humiliated than any modern figure and
yet like a phoenix rising from the ashes
she is rebounded time and time again and
in the most unexpected twist to her
losing the presidency millions of women
organ
in marched and all around her loss they
found their voice they found strength in
her defeat I think we’re in the midst of
definitely a moment if not a mini
revolution where from Hollywood to
Silicon Valley to the news media to Wall
Street women are coming forward and
sharing their stories of humiliation
whether it’s gender discrimination or
sexual harassment or sexual assault
they are reclaiming their stories
sharing them getting stronger in
rewriting the ending so at first you may
think that confidence is crushed because
of humiliation and I don’t think there’s
any parent out there who hopes and
wishes that their child be humiliated
and I don’t think there’s anyone sitting
out here who’s hoping for a humiliating
experience themselves but it is in that
moment that we realize that we can
survive and that it’s not going to be
comfortable but it will be
transformative so what if we all had a
little bit of a failure fetish what if
we all embraced it as you know part of
our journey
think about how liberating it would be
to not fear judgment and not fear being
humiliated super meaning would be to
feel like you can go all-in and fail
when I was writing my book fearless and
free people would ask me all of the time
where did my fearlessness come from
where did my confidence come from and
honestly I never had a great answer and
then one night I was taking a shower and
I had this epiphany and I swear I’m not
making this up these are where my
epiphanies happen in the shower and I
really thought it all circled back to
sorority rush now I know that sounds
sort of crazy but it was in that moment
of getting cut from houses two years in
a row where I realized I didn’t have a
squad of girls behind me I didn’t have a
tribe but I didn’t perish like our
caveman ancestors did I learned to lean
into myself and I found more strength
than myself than I think I probably ever
realized and I was no longer afraid to
fail or be humiliated that had already
happened so I want to end with one of my
favorite female Hollywood screenwriters
directors she knew something about
humiliation – she wrote a best-selling
novel
burn that then became a ward winning
movie she also was really known for
writing strong female smart funny
characters the amazing Nora Ephron and
she says above all be the heroine of
your life not the victim thank you so
much
[Applause]
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