a month ago
Alison Spain doing an engineering song
program and the process of making new
friends and getting to know each other
we were bonding over some of our
childhood stories just like everyone
else I was talking about my sibling
particularly my sister and how we would
empty my grandpa’s fish pond fill it
with clean water and pretend like we’re
in a pool or how my sister did not want
to play with me when I had chickenpox
because of this smelly lotion I had to
apply but I was able to get her back
when she broke her leg while playing
with other kids keV logic curious my
friend asked how old is your sister
my heart raced for a few minutes
that was a discomfort in my chest a
feeling in my brain like excess caffeine
then sets in deep I felt the urge to run
escape and hide I did not know what to
do what I did know was that I did not
want people to feel sorry for me trying
to sound as composed as possible I said
she’s 22
Virginie loved eating food as much as
she loved preparing it she loved making
crafts for the house and as souvenirs
for her friends
three years one month and 29 days ago
Virginie was diagnosed with tongue
cancer tongue cancer is a type of oral
cancer that develops in the squamous
cells the thin black cells that cover
the surface of the tongue
I remember the night very clearly my dad
was already at the hospital and my mom
was staying with her the nurse said we
should take her home because she might
not make it for her blood tests on the
next day by that time it was too late
for doctors to sign papers for her to be
taken home my parents were overwhelmed
as they were going back and forth i sat
down with my sister and I held her hand
she did not hold mine back her cancer
had progress to a stage where she could
only move her eyes can you imagine being
locked in your body wanting to move and
only have the ability to move your eyes
I was caught off guard I remember the
times when they were just headaches and
then she started losing weight and after
that her hair then she had a tube in
Hertford because she could not breathe
and after that a tube in her stomach her
head became too heavy to carry beds so
started to spread from her upper back to
her lower body I was distraught we
thought we had more time with her I had
convinced myself that she was going to
make it through after all two weeks
before that she said to me you’re going
to help me apply to college when I get
out of here right she wanted to study
for the nutrition and interior designing
Virginie and i had planned to study
abroad since we were kids she was going
to do her first bachelor’s degree in
mauritius and i was going to go to the
united states then she would join me
there years later for her master’s
degree we had it all planned out that
night we took her home in an ambulance I
fell asleep to the sound of the tube in
her throat made as she was trying to
breathe
that was my lullaby for the night I
found solace and let sound because it
meant that she was still alive
go talk to her my dad whispered as he
woke me up in the middle of the night
tell her all the things you have to say
my parents were saying the goodbyes but
how do you even begin to tell a younger
sister how do you even begin to tell me
that my lifetime best friend will not be
cheering for me at my high-school
graduation when I get into college when
I start falling in love that my lifetime
best friend will not be my maid of honor
it has been two years without my sister
two years that would have covered
thousands of messages hundreds of Skype
calls countless cups of tea she loved
tea hugs and kisses that have not been
exchanged and landmark events in my life
all missing from my 2015 memory log
sometimes I
ask myself
what if we had discovered her cancer
earlier
what if we had gone to a different
doctor but if we had been more cautious
of other things we eat what if I had
spent more time with her what if she
survived what if we had more money but
if I had not gone away for boarding
school what if what if and what if but
actually but if I gave cancer a second
chance
you know instead of looking at it as a
disease that took my sister away from me
what if I looked at all the lessons they
carried like how we take care of
ourselves how we love each other how
much time we spend with each other what
if I look at this traumatic event
differently although my sister will
never come back to me I can choose how
to perceive her loss I can choose how to
deal with traumatic experiences you see
it what death comes a lot of self-pity
and a lot of questioning people would
look at their friend’s lives and wonder
why did they have all the luck they feel
sorry for themselves while it is okay to
be sad when something bad happens
self-pity goes beyond that
we ask ourselves what if for many people
when they lose someone close they go
into depression are they mourn for a
long time or they go into denial unable
to heal and move forward
but what if we could change our
perspective
as a member of a community a community
small or Bank as the community were all
part of as humankind sometimes we
experience trauma and sometimes this
traumatic events can be unpredictable
and they bring us to our knees and so I
say let them
let’s take a step back let go of trying
to change it or even wanting it to be
different let go of the hands of those
in the circle of community you’re in so
you can mourn heal and reflect and then
this space and in that space feel your
vulnerability what matters most to you
your deepest intention and be curious to
connect to what and who is really here
awake and alive
then step back into yourself back into
that circle rejoin hands with others
because there’s so much to experience
and give back so much more living to do
I decided I had to choose a different
path I chose to see my sister’s death
from a different lens my sisters battle
with cancer has been for me and my
family or jerry full of grief pain
lessons learned and blessings from not
agreeing with a doctor when he told her
she only had a few months to live –
talking about going to college a few
days before she passed my sister has
been a living example of hope she
started to have this beautiful
perception of time the goals of hope her
giving hope to someone who’s terminally
ill need not involve disease remission
or cure or even prolongation of life but
rather smaller mo focused
objectives such as spending time with
her best friend while she’s on the
hospital bed or being home for a few
days or simply a conversation with dad
Thomas wore rights as active treatment
fails hope can take on another form hope
is that the remaining days of life will
be happy once that tasks at the end of
life will be addressed relationships
mended and finalized and every moment
treasured I remember the time when
doctors told us she didn’t have much
time left and my dad had lost it in the
hospital he was inconsolable she held
his hand and said
just picture me eating a nice KFC burger
at the time half of her tongue was a
lump of dead cells and she had a tube in
her throat and in her stomach that she
would have had to keep if she had
survived my sister’s death has taught me
how to live life to the best of my
ability today I want to share with you
values that have helped me heal and move
forward following the loss of my sister
whether we like it or not the time we
have on earth is limited we need to make
the most out of it today we have to to
start appreciating the little things and
we need to be grateful for the little
things and the big things
when doctors told us Virginie only had
10 days to live
we only then saw how precious and
limited time was
one minute was not just one minute for
us it was 60 seconds
it’s funny how we often forget about
decisions we make or even made around
living in the moment
appreciating the little things or to not
take things for granted we leave spaces
like this and easily go back to being
overworked being too busy for the
moments that really matter in the grand
scheme of things we go back to planning
our entire lives down to the retirement
we hope to have by the age of 65 and all
the things we’ll do once we reach that
age of supposed freedom and independence
in fact we often become so busy trying
to build a life that we forget how to
live one I think we tend to view life as
this never-ending road where we are
guaranteed to wake up healthy and happy
tomorrow and for many years to come and
even though we all know that that’s not
necessarily the case we live as though
it is we overlook the seemingly
meaningless for the something meaningful
and will live for the big things and not
for today so tell them how you really
feel take your dream trip spend every
Sunday in your pajamas stuff your face
with cheese pizza sing with your
not-so-great sometimes – high-pitched
voice watch every season of house of
cards in just one day I’m the Eiffel
Tower I mean watch the beautiful sunset
over the ocean watch the waves rush in
and retreat in my case it meant fighting
her Cod every single day to remind her
how much she means to me or visiting
Hahn the hospital every single day no
matter what for my mom it meant two
hours of sleep every night for seven
months
and for my dad it’s meant rushing to the
hospital every single day after seven
hours day work
all of us Amen charging each other’s
presence while we still could having a
child in the hospital and not knowing
what tomorrow holds
definitely teaches you how to make the
most out of today some idea friends
peers colleagues members of this
community we’re all part of let’s not
forget how to live and be present
follow your heart completely do it while
you’re still here because remember just
when the caterpillar thought the world
was over and became a butterfly
[Applause]
Alison Spain doing an engineering song
program and the process of making new
friends and getting to know each other
we were bonding over some of our
childhood stories just like everyone
else I was talking about my sibling
particularly my sister and how we would
empty my grandpa’s fish pond fill it
with clean water and pretend like we’re
in a pool or how my sister did not want
to play with me when I had chickenpox
because of this smelly lotion I had to
apply but I was able to get her back
when she broke her leg while playing
with other kids keV logic curious my
friend asked how old is your sister
my heart raced for a few minutes
that was a discomfort in my chest a
feeling in my brain like excess caffeine
then sets in deep I felt the urge to run
escape and hide I did not know what to
do what I did know was that I did not
want people to feel sorry for me trying
to sound as composed as possible I said
she’s 22
Virginie loved eating food as much as
she loved preparing it she loved making
crafts for the house and as souvenirs
for her friends
three years one month and 29 days ago
Virginie was diagnosed with tongue
cancer tongue cancer is a type of oral
cancer that develops in the squamous
cells the thin black cells that cover
the surface of the tongue
I remember the night very clearly my dad
was already at the hospital and my mom
was staying with her the nurse said we
should take her home because she might
not make it for her blood tests on the
next day by that time it was too late
for doctors to sign papers for her to be
taken home my parents were overwhelmed
as they were going back and forth i sat
down with my sister and I held her hand
she did not hold mine back her cancer
had progress to a stage where she could
only move her eyes can you imagine being
locked in your body wanting to move and
only have the ability to move your eyes
I was caught off guard I remember the
times when they were just headaches and
then she started losing weight and after
that her hair then she had a tube in
Hertford because she could not breathe
and after that a tube in her stomach her
head became too heavy to carry beds so
started to spread from her upper back to
her lower body I was distraught we
thought we had more time with her I had
convinced myself that she was going to
make it through after all two weeks
before that she said to me you’re going
to help me apply to college when I get
out of here right she wanted to study
for the nutrition and interior designing
Virginie and i had planned to study
abroad since we were kids she was going
to do her first bachelor’s degree in
mauritius and i was going to go to the
united states then she would join me
there years later for her master’s
degree we had it all planned out that
night we took her home in an ambulance I
fell asleep to the sound of the tube in
her throat made as she was trying to
breathe
that was my lullaby for the night I
found solace and let sound because it
meant that she was still alive
go talk to her my dad whispered as he
woke me up in the middle of the night
tell her all the things you have to say
my parents were saying the goodbyes but
how do you even begin to tell a younger
sister how do you even begin to tell me
that my lifetime best friend will not be
cheering for me at my high-school
graduation when I get into college when
I start falling in love that my lifetime
best friend will not be my maid of honor
it has been two years without my sister
two years that would have covered
thousands of messages hundreds of Skype
calls countless cups of tea she loved
tea hugs and kisses that have not been
exchanged and landmark events in my life
all missing from my 2015 memory log
sometimes I
ask myself
what if we had discovered her cancer
earlier
what if we had gone to a different
doctor but if we had been more cautious
of other things we eat what if I had
spent more time with her what if she
survived what if we had more money but
if I had not gone away for boarding
school what if what if and what if but
actually but if I gave cancer a second
chance
you know instead of looking at it as a
disease that took my sister away from me
what if I looked at all the lessons they
carried like how we take care of
ourselves how we love each other how
much time we spend with each other what
if I look at this traumatic event
differently although my sister will
never come back to me I can choose how
to perceive her loss I can choose how to
deal with traumatic experiences you see
it what death comes a lot of self-pity
and a lot of questioning people would
look at their friend’s lives and wonder
why did they have all the luck they feel
sorry for themselves while it is okay to
be sad when something bad happens
self-pity goes beyond that
we ask ourselves what if for many people
when they lose someone close they go
into depression are they mourn for a
long time or they go into denial unable
to heal and move forward
but what if we could change our
perspective
as a member of a community a community
small or Bank as the community were all
part of as humankind sometimes we
experience trauma and sometimes this
traumatic events can be unpredictable
and they bring us to our knees and so I
say let them
let’s take a step back let go of trying
to change it or even wanting it to be
different let go of the hands of those
in the circle of community you’re in so
you can mourn heal and reflect and then
this space and in that space feel your
vulnerability what matters most to you
your deepest intention and be curious to
connect to what and who is really here
awake and alive
then step back into yourself back into
that circle rejoin hands with others
because there’s so much to experience
and give back so much more living to do
I decided I had to choose a different
path I chose to see my sister’s death
from a different lens my sisters battle
with cancer has been for me and my
family or jerry full of grief pain
lessons learned and blessings from not
agreeing with a doctor when he told her
she only had a few months to live –
talking about going to college a few
days before she passed my sister has
been a living example of hope she
started to have this beautiful
perception of time the goals of hope her
giving hope to someone who’s terminally
ill need not involve disease remission
or cure or even prolongation of life but
rather smaller mo focused
objectives such as spending time with
her best friend while she’s on the
hospital bed or being home for a few
days or simply a conversation with dad
Thomas wore rights as active treatment
fails hope can take on another form hope
is that the remaining days of life will
be happy once that tasks at the end of
life will be addressed relationships
mended and finalized and every moment
treasured I remember the time when
doctors told us she didn’t have much
time left and my dad had lost it in the
hospital he was inconsolable she held
his hand and said
just picture me eating a nice KFC burger
at the time half of her tongue was a
lump of dead cells and she had a tube in
her throat and in her stomach that she
would have had to keep if she had
survived my sister’s death has taught me
how to live life to the best of my
ability today I want to share with you
values that have helped me heal and move
forward following the loss of my sister
whether we like it or not the time we
have on earth is limited we need to make
the most out of it today we have to to
start appreciating the little things and
we need to be grateful for the little
things and the big things
when doctors told us Virginie only had
10 days to live
we only then saw how precious and
limited time was
one minute was not just one minute for
us it was 60 seconds
it’s funny how we often forget about
decisions we make or even made around
living in the moment
appreciating the little things or to not
take things for granted we leave spaces
like this and easily go back to being
overworked being too busy for the
moments that really matter in the grand
scheme of things we go back to planning
our entire lives down to the retirement
we hope to have by the age of 65 and all
the things we’ll do once we reach that
age of supposed freedom and independence
in fact we often become so busy trying
to build a life that we forget how to
live one I think we tend to view life as
this never-ending road where we are
guaranteed to wake up healthy and happy
tomorrow and for many years to come and
even though we all know that that’s not
necessarily the case we live as though
it is we overlook the seemingly
meaningless for the something meaningful
and will live for the big things and not
for today so tell them how you really
feel take your dream trip spend every
Sunday in your pajamas stuff your face
with cheese pizza sing with your
not-so-great sometimes – high-pitched
voice watch every season of house of
cards in just one day I’m the Eiffel
Tower I mean watch the beautiful sunset
over the ocean watch the waves rush in
and retreat in my case it meant fighting
her Cod every single day to remind her
how much she means to me or visiting
Hahn the hospital every single day no
matter what for my mom it meant two
hours of sleep every night for seven
months
and for my dad it’s meant rushing to the
hospital every single day after seven
hours day work
all of us Amen charging each other’s
presence while we still could having a
child in the hospital and not knowing
what tomorrow holds
definitely teaches you how to make the
most out of today some idea friends
peers colleagues members of this
community we’re all part of let’s not
forget how to live and be present
follow your heart completely do it while
you’re still here because remember just
when the caterpillar thought the world
was over and became a butterfly
[Applause]
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