I wanted to start with a song I wrote
about how to look at life after you’ve
lost something whether it’s a person or
a place or just your sense of purpose
this song is called a fox eyes and we’ll
[Music]
migrate with her
[Music]
circle round the Sun hope that all the
groundhog days are done
what to do when all the reasons have one
fin after all we’re only human animals
we’ll keep your fox eyes focused on the
beauty under
and keep your whale heart open that is
all you really need
– love lie
temporary paw prints on this sir
[Music]
when they don’t love you anymore when
your own story is the only left worth
fighting for
with no one’s opening the doors when the
wolf comes out at night and there’s no
one left inside are we gonna be all
right
[Music]
we’ll keep your fox eyes focused there
is beauty underneath and keep your whale
that is all you really need
the love life love life
so this being TED talk I do have a few
stories and some lessons I’ve been
learning lately and I got a call from my
grandma four months ago and my grandma
in her late 90s is kind of like the
spiritual guru of our family and she I
like to say that she’s like Yoda but
then every time I say that people seem
to associate that more with like you
know the hairy ears and the wrinkled
face then the wisdom of Yoda
– which Yoda would definitely say that
is why Yoda you were not and that was a
really bad Yoda impression be prepared
for another one later but I was on the
phone with my my grandmother and we were
just talking and doing the kind of
family talk that you do when you have
something else on your mind and you’re
just talking to family and you’re kind
of taking the conversation for granted
and we were just talking yeah grandma
life is good things like that and out of
and it was a question that sideswiped me
it came in through the side door I
wasn’t expecting it and three weeks
later my grandma died and at the funeral
all I could think was this strange
inheritance she had left me with this
beautiful question are you happy and
almost more of a challenge than a
question of I would like you to be happy
and so go figure that out please well a
month later I didn’t just lose my
grandma but a month later I lost a
relationship that I’d had for over seven
years of the love of my life and then
the day after that the fires hit
Northern California and took our home
and so I lost a lot in a very short
period of time and I started thinking
about that idea of are you happy in the
context
of loss and how to be happy in the
middle of or after a huge loss in our
life and I can say today that strangely
after those losses I’m more happy now
than I was before and it’s for it’s
because of some of these things I have
been learning and one of the things I
learned was kind of in that first song
and that’s the idea that as you look at
what’s lost don’t forget to look at
what’s left yeah and because there’s
still a lot of beauty in the world and a
lot of times the loss that you had it
actually uncovers a lot of beauty that
you didn’t know was there and when we
lost our house two weeks later we all of
a sudden started getting clothes and
donations and love phone calls from
friends that we hadn’t talked to in
years and we started discovering that
there was this wonderful Beauty to be
found in the middle of the loss and that
was a first lesson and the second idea I
had that which is really important is to
feel what you need to feel when you lose
something this is a hard lesson for me I
am the king of distraction and when pain
comes and taps me on the soldier I look
at it and I say do you know that Gilmore
Girls has seven seasons and I can watch
but what I would say about that is that
your future happiness depends on your
present emotional honesty and what the
danger you have if you don’t feel what
you need to feel is walking through life
half happy with the pain at the back of
your neck all the time unaddressed but
you know it’s there and so I took the
time during these losses to really feel
what I needed to feel and it really
allowed me to be happy later and this
song is a song about that and it’s
called slow down and feeling
[Music]
Tony the Tiger doesn’t live here anymore
he turned tail left town tryin to settle
some score he got a one-way ticket in
the travel in case he doesn’t do
anything halfway
some say the circus wasn’t paying enough
some say the money was so good he
started feeling out of touch so I’m
saying his love started to feel like a
crutch
so Tony had to find his own way from
claim the train from town to town he
picked up almost as soon as he touched
down a voice playing in the back of his
mind he tried to ignore it kept popping
up from time to time
slow down filled it unless you let it
hurt you’re never gonna heal it slow
down
slow down slow down
so I asked to buy and lay some roses on
the door no flowers ever we’ll settle
this score
I got one-way ticket in a travelin case
I gotta fund my own way
drive past the city till everything
glistens pull over stop and finally
start to listen my ground of being my
significant other rises up inside me
both father and mother and says slow
down feel it unless you let it hurt
you’re never gonna heal it slow down
slow down feeling unless you let it hurt
you never gonna keel it slow down slow
down slow down feeling
Thanks the third lesson that I have been
learning about loss and about finding
happiness and loss is that you you need
to love what you have right now more
than you love the idea that you’re gonna
have it later and I had taken my grandma
for granted four years before she passed
away and I realized that the reason I
had been taking her for granted was I
had this idea in the back of my mind
that she was always going to be there
and there are so many of us that end up
loving what we have now less because we
have this assumption that it’s going to
be here forever but most things in life
are temporary and if you knew that this
sunset tonight was the last sunset you
were gonna get to see then you would
immediately go out and see it and the
reason that you might not and you
probably won’t is the idea that you have
a thousand sunsets in your back pocket
but the truth is that you that you don’t
what you have is right here right now
and I feel like with many of the things
I lost that if I had taken the time to
really focus in and loved them in the
moment that they were with me then I
would feel less ache that they’re not
and this song is just a little reminder
to be grateful for what you have in
front of you
[Music]
they asked me to be the comedic relief
I said I have written the exact opposite
about fire and waves and forests
cinnamon and wind pain and hope and
wonder trapped inside these bones and
skin beauty all around me that I never
stopped find and I can be so ungrateful
sometimes
[Music]
a hurricane through hours with a hundred
things to do craving these few moments
when the only thing is you
but then a bride screen calls me and I
and I can be so ungrateful sometimes
[Music]
finally make it back from all the songs
and shows and sparks and you are home
from work and watching TV in the dark
stumble through the doorway after tour
for weeks and weeks
drop my heavy suitcase kiss your hands
your mouth
and the moon’s gold and beacon on the
ocean of your eyes and I can be so
ungrateful sometimes
but sometime
thank you very much with my last moment
I want to leave you with this
we have connecting the dots as the theme
of TEDx and I feel like the great
connector in life can actually be lost
the one thing that we have in common and
the thing that can bind us together is
the fact that we’ve all lost something
we might have found something different
but we’ve all we know what it is to lose
something and we can connect with each
other around that ache and find the
answer together and if my grandma were
to call me again right now and ask me if
I was happy I would be able to tell her
yes I am happy to which I hope if she
knows my humor she would say in her
worst Yoda impression learn some lessons
you have thank you very much [Applause]