[Music]
I am afraid that we have turned our back
on what sex has to give us I am afraid
that sex is becoming an endangered
species isn’t she there yet
I’m just not there yet can he see I’m
not there yet
I wonder if this feels good this really
doesn’t feel good but he seems to be
into it just keep going hold your breath
focus think about the laundry whatever
you do just don’t come on don’t be a
prude just go for it stop acting like
such a slut stop feeling so much act
like you’re feeling something else just
stop feeling roll over and pretend
you’re tired but it’s been months I miss
you I thought they were into me I am so
into her what is happening with my body
I created conversations about sex for a
living I hear stories about people’s sex
lives and I’ve had the art of hearing
him tell me all kinds of things that
they’ve never shared with anyone
I hear from teenagers and adults people
who are married single celibate divorced
people who love sex people who are
afraid of sex people who’ve never had
sex well you just heard are some of the
voices that follow us to bed I’m here
today to offer us a new story about sex
but in order to do that I want to start
by helping us see the story that we’re
already living inside of and how that
has set us up to fail at sex we live in
a super confusing sexual culture on one
side is pressure locker room talk
pornography magazine covers Hollywood
imaging giving us a totally unrealistic
an over sexualized version of what sex
is telling us what sex and sexy is
supposed to look act sound like and feel
like and on the other side of the
equation is silence silence repression
and shame we get messages like don’t let
anyone find out
don’t talk about it don’t ask questions
don’t be curious essentially sex is
still taboo and forbidden territory
these stories have hijacked our bodies
and our beds and they operate in the
background dictating what actually
happens in our sexual exchanges and what
doesn’t happen we are simultaneously
without realizing it being bounced off
the walls between pornography and
Puritanism no wonder sex is complicated
and it’s not our fault how many of us
have ever faked an orgasm endured
physical discomfort thought about the
grocery list ignored our partner in
pursuit of our own pleasure
gotten bored wondered whether our
partner was enjoying things but never
stopped to ask push down rising emotion
played it cool felt ashamed for what our
bodies were or were not doing felt
violated even though we said yes needed
a drink just to go there I think we can
all relate to at least some of these
this has become our cultural norm we
have come to approach sex like we would
a job a sport or a math equation we try
to figure it out get it right go through
the motions do our duty play a good game
make it to the finish line and fake it
and when we do that it hurts
whether we are 16 or 65 and the reality
is that whether we’re with a new lover
or 65 don’t tell the truth and we don’t
trust ourselves
what we do instead is put our game faces
on we act like we are performers in
someone else’s script we demand our
bodies to look and act the part we
pretend we’re feeling things that were
not we ignore emotions and things that
we want to say we ignore our instincts
all in the name of what we think sex is
supposed to be it’s true that we’re
missing something in sex but it’s not
what we think it is what we’re missing
is ourselves what’s happened is that we
have begun to look outside of ourselves
and look to the world to tell us what
sex is we’ve begun to just believe a
bunch of false sexual stories and
instead of turning around and calling
their bluff we walk around thinking
there’s something wrong with us taking
it personally wondering what we’re
missing and thinking we don’t measure up
nothing could be further from the truth
we have put ourselves and sex in a box
that is simply way too small and like
anything that gets put in a cage it and
we want to be free
as of wide open horizon and landscape of
possibility it has its palm out waiting
to catch us waiting to show us parts of
ourselves we’ve never seen before it is
an adventure it is a hidden landscape it
is an open horizon that is waiting for
us every single time and unwritten upon
canvas that depends entirely on us being
ourselves what if we could come to sex
and be more like ourselves in sex than
we could anywhere else in the world what
if it was a place we came to be known to
come alive and I mean this whether we’re
talking about a one-night stand or the
tenth or twentieth year of a marriage
because sex is not about knowing what
we’re doing it is about knowing what
we’re feeling and learning to trust that
so how do we get here we start by
trusting three things the reality of our
bodies the role of our emotions and the
wisdom of our pleasure our sexual bodies
are so much bigger than we give them
credit for we all of us this entire body
this is our sexual landscape and we
often rush past it as if sex was only
about the genitals and when we get to
the genitals we have all kinds of ideas
about what they should and shouldn’t be
doing and feeling what would happen if
we let our bodies really be as they
actually were in any given moment in sex
that we didn’t demand ourselves to feel
pleasure where there wasn’t we didn’t
try to feel hard or soft or more of
anything but we opened up our definition
of sex to include everything that was
actually happening our hearts and our
bodies are intimately connected somehow
we’ve come up with the idea that sex and
emotion don’t belong in the same room
together and when they end up there
there’s a problem our emotions are
incredible
messengers and textures that rise up to
give us information to guide us to tell
us what we’re longing for
– tell us what we need what we want to
give and receive they are a part of our
sexual experience and if we hold back
our emotions our bodies will hold back
pleasure and our capacity for connection
we have a very narrow depth of what sex
pleasure and orgasm actually is we
usually spend our time in sex thinking
orgasm is this destination and singular
event that we’re either in the back of
our mind trying to figure out how to get
there
or how to keep from going there too soon
if we really let pleasure and the wisdom
of pleasure be our guide we would be
interested in letting every sensation
last as long as we could stand it and
that would change the way we had sex and
then we would have to refer back to the
wisdom of our bodies and the role of our
emotions because then we would really
start showing up in that capacity what
would happen if we started telling the
truth and trusting ourselves when it
came to sex what would happen we told
the truth about our desire to have a
different kind of sex this kind of sex
we can’t do this alone
sex is a revolution that will travel and
travels from body to body from breath to
breath touch to touch sex doesn’t start
in the bedroom it starts before we even
begin touching sex starts right now in
how we relate to ourselves and how we
emotionally connect to the world to our
partners and how we regard ourselves the
good news is this is not about learning
something new this is about coming back
home this is about knowing that this is
the locus of our sexual experience and
trusting this when sex only goes skin
deep we know it’s missing something
we come to sex to touch what’s beyond
skin deep and that’s what sex really
beautiful the next time we’re in bed
partner they’re on the brink of a sexual
experience see if you can let yourself
really be there
in exactly what is happening for you
without a script in your mind without
going through the motions and without
any kind of autopilot can you really
trust what’s happening in your body and
let that be there can you get curious
about what’s rising up in your emotional
and internal world can you trust and
listen to pleasure and let it be a guide
for you sex is not a place for us to
know it is a place for us to come alive
and discover and in the end we hold the
keys to this cage sex like any
endangered species is depending on us to
save it thank you
[Applause]
[Music]
[Music]
I am afraid that we have turned our back
on what sex has to give us I am afraid
that sex is becoming an endangered
species isn’t she there yet
I’m just not there yet can he see I’m
not there yet
I wonder if this feels good this really
doesn’t feel good but he seems to be
into it just keep going hold your breath
focus think about the laundry whatever
you do just don’t come on don’t be a
prude just go for it stop acting like
such a slut stop feeling so much act
like you’re feeling something else just
stop feeling roll over and pretend
you’re tired but it’s been months I miss
you I thought they were into me I am so
into her what is happening with my body
I created conversations about sex for a
living I hear stories about people’s sex
lives and I’ve had the art of hearing
him tell me all kinds of things that
they’ve never shared with anyone
I hear from teenagers and adults people
who are married single celibate divorced
people who love sex people who are
afraid of sex people who’ve never had
sex well you just heard are some of the
voices that follow us to bed I’m here
today to offer us a new story about sex
but in order to do that I want to start
by helping us see the story that we’re
already living inside of and how that
has set us up to fail at sex we live in
a super confusing sexual culture on one
side is pressure locker room talk
pornography magazine covers Hollywood
imaging giving us a totally unrealistic
an over sexualized version of what sex
is telling us what sex and sexy is
supposed to look act sound like and feel
like and on the other side of the
equation is silence silence repression
and shame we get messages like don’t let
anyone find out
don’t talk about it don’t ask questions
don’t be curious essentially sex is
still taboo and forbidden territory
these stories have hijacked our bodies
and our beds and they operate in the
background dictating what actually
happens in our sexual exchanges and what
doesn’t happen we are simultaneously
without realizing it being bounced off
the walls between pornography and
Puritanism no wonder sex is complicated
and it’s not our fault how many of us
have ever faked an orgasm endured
physical discomfort thought about the
grocery list ignored our partner in
pursuit of our own pleasure
gotten bored wondered whether our
partner was enjoying things but never
stopped to ask push down rising emotion
played it cool felt ashamed for what our
bodies were or were not doing felt
violated even though we said yes needed
a drink just to go there I think we can
all relate to at least some of these
this has become our cultural norm we
have come to approach sex like we would
a job a sport or a math equation we try
to figure it out get it right go through
the motions do our duty play a good game
make it to the finish line and fake it
and when we do that it hurts
whether we are 16 or 65 and the reality
is that whether we’re with a new lover
or 65 don’t tell the truth and we don’t
trust ourselves
what we do instead is put our game faces
on we act like we are performers in
someone else’s script we demand our
bodies to look and act the part we
pretend we’re feeling things that were
not we ignore emotions and things that
we want to say we ignore our instincts
all in the name of what we think sex is
supposed to be it’s true that we’re
missing something in sex but it’s not
what we think it is what we’re missing
is ourselves what’s happened is that we
have begun to look outside of ourselves
and look to the world to tell us what
sex is we’ve begun to just believe a
bunch of false sexual stories and
instead of turning around and calling
their bluff we walk around thinking
there’s something wrong with us taking
it personally wondering what we’re
missing and thinking we don’t measure up
nothing could be further from the truth
we have put ourselves and sex in a box
that is simply way too small and like
anything that gets put in a cage it and
we want to be free
as of wide open horizon and landscape of
possibility it has its palm out waiting
to catch us waiting to show us parts of
ourselves we’ve never seen before it is
an adventure it is a hidden landscape it
is an open horizon that is waiting for
us every single time and unwritten upon
canvas that depends entirely on us being
ourselves what if we could come to sex
and be more like ourselves in sex than
we could anywhere else in the world what
if it was a place we came to be known to
come alive and I mean this whether we’re
talking about a one-night stand or the
tenth or twentieth year of a marriage
because sex is not about knowing what
we’re doing it is about knowing what
we’re feeling and learning to trust that
so how do we get here we start by
trusting three things the reality of our
bodies the role of our emotions and the
wisdom of our pleasure our sexual bodies
are so much bigger than we give them
credit for we all of us this entire body
this is our sexual landscape and we
often rush past it as if sex was only
about the genitals and when we get to
the genitals we have all kinds of ideas
about what they should and shouldn’t be
doing and feeling what would happen if
we let our bodies really be as they
actually were in any given moment in sex
that we didn’t demand ourselves to feel
pleasure where there wasn’t we didn’t
try to feel hard or soft or more of
anything but we opened up our definition
of sex to include everything that was
actually happening our hearts and our
bodies are intimately connected somehow
we’ve come up with the idea that sex and
emotion don’t belong in the same room
together and when they end up there
there’s a problem our emotions are
incredible
messengers and textures that rise up to
give us information to guide us to tell
us what we’re longing for
– tell us what we need what we want to
give and receive they are a part of our
sexual experience and if we hold back
our emotions our bodies will hold back
pleasure and our capacity for connection
we have a very narrow depth of what sex
pleasure and orgasm actually is we
usually spend our time in sex thinking
orgasm is this destination and singular
event that we’re either in the back of
our mind trying to figure out how to get
there
or how to keep from going there too soon
if we really let pleasure and the wisdom
of pleasure be our guide we would be
interested in letting every sensation
last as long as we could stand it and
that would change the way we had sex and
then we would have to refer back to the
wisdom of our bodies and the role of our
emotions because then we would really
start showing up in that capacity what
would happen if we started telling the
truth and trusting ourselves when it
came to sex what would happen we told
the truth about our desire to have a
different kind of sex this kind of sex
we can’t do this alone
sex is a revolution that will travel and
travels from body to body from breath to
breath touch to touch sex doesn’t start
in the bedroom it starts before we even
begin touching sex starts right now in
how we relate to ourselves and how we
emotionally connect to the world to our
partners and how we regard ourselves the
good news is this is not about learning
something new this is about coming back
home this is about knowing that this is
the locus of our sexual experience and
trusting this when sex only goes skin
deep we know it’s missing something
we come to sex to touch what’s beyond
skin deep and that’s what sex really
beautiful the next time we’re in bed
partner they’re on the brink of a sexual
experience see if you can let yourself
really be there
in exactly what is happening for you
without a script in your mind without
going through the motions and without
any kind of autopilot can you really
trust what’s happening in your body and
let that be there can you get curious
about what’s rising up in your emotional
and internal world can you trust and
listen to pleasure and let it be a guide
for you sex is not a place for us to
know it is a place for us to come alive
and discover and in the end we hold the
keys to this cage sex like any
endangered species is depending on us to
save it thank you
[Applause]
[Music]
[Music]
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