today because we’re gonna be talking
about your love life that’s right not
mine yours I know it’s such an exciting
topic I can hear your responses now what
love life Ruby where all the great men
where all the great women dating is hard
relationships are hard
I get it and I’m gonna be very real with
you today so please know that it’s all
coming from my heart and it’s because I
truly care and I want to help because
I’m going to share with you the secret
answer to the big question the reason
why it’s so hard to find a great date
nonetheless love it’s because of you
that’s right okay calm down no need to
throw me off the stage I will explain so
as you know I’m a private date coach and
a matchmaker and even though my career
path has been quite unconventional today
I want to talk about the unconventional
road to love because sometimes you need
to take that other route to get to that
special someone that will make you happy
so to kick-start this I want to share
with you a quick story I had a client he
went on his first date and he came back
to me a report and how it went and I can
already tell he was really excited and
he tells me Ruby that was one of the
most amazing dates I’ve ever been on
she’s passionate she has a lovely smile
we got along so well we connected we had
chemistry we got so many common interest
but I’m not going to see her again what
okay so I waited for him to proceed to
tell me why and he tells me Ruby her
hair is like Medusa okay I’ve never
heard that before um so I challenged him
to go on a second date with her because
bad hair is something you can fix or
work with my mistake was that I didn’t
tell him the step-by-step approach and
how to fix the issue because what ended
up happening was on the second date he
ended up taking her to the hair salon
where he had a set appointment already
for her and oh and wait for it and he
already talked to the hairstylist and
showed the hairstylist a photo of the
hair he wanted her to have
yeah bad move exactly so as you can
guess she never saw him again
she did she did get it a hair stylist
don’t know on that date but she never
saw him again
this client ruined all chances he had
with this fantastic lady because of the
issue he had with her hair and I will
tell you that after that he had a really
tough time finding anybody else even
close to her personality or even close
to that connection that connection is
hard to find so what’s the main issue
people are rejecting great potential
matches for the smallest reasons we are
so focused on our fantasy on the ideal
match the ideal Road that we forget
reality we forget what’s really
important in a relationship so I want
you to think of the qualities you want
in somebody and how that could possibly
be stopping you from finding love or
even if you’re in a relationship what’s
stopping that relationship from
progressing and as you think of that I’m
going to share with you and debunk the
most popular deal-breakers that I’ve had
to constantly challenge my clients in
and by the way I call them deal-breakers
not preferences even though a lot of
people will say that because if you’re
going to reject someone based off of one
factor that’s a deal-breaker so the
first one I want to talk about is height
that’s right ladies I’m looking at you
ladies who want someone five inches or a
whole foot taller than them there is no
direct correlation between the height of
a man and how he’s going to treat you
the height of the man is not the
predictor of a long-lasting happy
relationship in fact there was a
research done that reported it’s shorter
men marry later in life but they are
thirty two percent less likely to
divorce and more average they are more
successful right so what am I trying to
say just date someone taller
don’t put inches to it because I do
understand that ladies we do like to
feel small next to our man we like to
feel feminine safe protected secure and
a lot of times height translates to
strength but I will say that a man can
make you feel all those things even if
he wasn’t tall but once again I
understand so if you’re 511 and you want
someone six feet tall I get it but if
you’re five feet tall like I am and you
require
someone to be six feet tall and I see it
plenty of times you are eliminating a
lot of great people that can make you
happy and the excuse of well I like to
wear heels well when you retired that is
not going to be a priority trust me
alright so the second zeal breaker I
want to talk about it’s a more hot and
sensitive issue it’s race right there
has been a great trend in dating outside
of your own race which is great I
encourage people to date and be open to
all races the issue is that people
aren’t they’re only open to one specific
race and usually outside of their own
because they dated their own before and
a lot of times people have dated maybe
another race and they decided that I
don’t want that race anymore what’s
happening
generalizing for some people they think
that because maybe you’ve dated a couple
Asian females we’re all the same but you
guys know you sitting in those seats you
know you are not exactly the same as
everybody else of your own race I as an
Asian female pretty sure I’m not the
same as every other Asian female in this
room right there was an analysis done
that on racial bias in selection and
they showed that singles favor white men
and Asian females but I’m not going to
talk about that topic today that’s a
whole another story instead I wanted you
to share the interesting reporting of
the difference between racial bias
attitude and behavior because even
though answered have answers have showed
a decrease in racial bias over time
behavior showed an increase and more
intense racial bias so what is that
saying that what people are saying is
not what they’re doing they can say
their opens all races but they’re
actually not recognize this recognize if
you’re rejecting someone based off of
something they can’t control a
relationship should be built on the
right foundation on compatibility on
attraction yes but not solely based off
the color of someone’s skin or the
stereotype that might follow a certain
ethnicity and a lot of people fantasize
about a certain stereotype so I
challenge you to think and discuss of
your racial preferences in a match and
if it’s because of culture traditions
family your upbringing who you are as a
person I completely understand that but
if you’re going to tell everybody and I
that you want a specific race just
because that’s what you’re attracted to
facing attractiveness solely on race is
fetishizing right and speaking of
attraction
that’s the third deal-breaker attraction
and appearance they kind of type two and
two together and what I will say is that
it is very important attraction appears
chemistry it is but it doesn’t happen
instantly you know chemistry cannot be
assessed in one meeting there are so
many layers to chemistry and there’s so
many ways that someone could be
attractive right it’s their humor it’s
their confidence it’s the way they treat
you is their ambition it’s their
intelligence and you don’t want to be
with someone who you’re highly attracted
to anyways because you start to change
you start to want to become that
person’s ideal partner and you don’t
even realize it so men I’m talking to
you now because men when you are
presented with a highly attractive lady
everything goes out the door everything
and you don’t even realize it she could
sit there and go like oh man I love her
you know so recognize this watch out for
please be careful in quick judgments and
quick rejections based off of appearance
so women don’t reject a man because he
has facial hair or men don’t reject a
woman because she has short hair that
can change it’s hair don’t put so much
emphasis on photos or first glances you
know I do understand if you look at a
photo and your reaction is oh okay okay
you can pass but if you hesitate look
back at that photo and think if that
person literally had every single
quality you could ever want somebody and
they make you happy
can you really not stand that face and
so think think of your type everybody
has a type think of that type and where
did that even come from what influenced
you to have that type what does that
type do for you okay because what starts
to happen is you see I’m not trying to
tell you that you can’t have any of
these qualities above I’m saying figure
out what’s really important to you
there’s so many online dating sites and
apps now that people start joining these
and they don’t even know what they want
they just start rejecting and swiping
away so that’s why I encourage make a
list make a list of ten qualities that
you want to somebody and this includes
demographics personality traits
lifestyle not chemistry because that
can’t be measured and if someone meets
eight out of ten of that be open go on a
date with them why not so what should
you really be focused on core beliefs
and values similar goals lifestyle you
know focus on what’s good for you
because being in a relationship being in
love means that that person is going to
make you want to be better they
challenge you and they’re your biggest
supporter they compliment you and
they’re balance you out as well if you
don’t want to date yourself trust me
it’s going to get boring right so I mean
how is height going to make you a better
person how is the color of someone’s
skin going to make you better so the
next time you question or hesitate on
somebody I really encourage you to
challenge yourself and figure out how
important really is this my story see I
met a man online and we fell in love
really hard and really fast and it was
pick paper picture-perfect and
everything and then we got engaged
within a year was a flash mob dance and
everything the thing is is that he
wasn’t right for me and I realized that
I was so stuck on this story I was so
stuck on that perfect story that that
road I wanted to travel that I realized
I actually wasn’t happy and my best
decision was not only stepping away from
that relationship but giving the chance
to someone that really wasn’t my type
and not an age range that I wanted I was
really stubborn on age for some reason
and once I became open to that I
realized how attractive he was because
he makes me happy and he made me better
and he’s good for me so let’s go back to
the answer of the reason why it’s so
hard to find love is because of you good
news is is that you can change it it’s
your love life recognize your fantasies
the limitations that might be stopping
you today because most of my successful
couples that are married or happy in a
relationship they had to be open and
adaptable and challenge
selves because they know that being in a
relationship means you’re going to have
to make compromises you’re going to have
to step down sometimes and apologize and
I know it’s hard but we’re going to need
to do something different to get
something different and dating is really
tough nowadays because everybody’s
looking for that perfect person but
sometimes it’s that imperfect person
that can make you perfectly happy thank
you so much for listening [Applause]