how we in the Western world get married
has changed and it’s still changing
certainly here in the UK in Scotland I
might consider myself somewhat of an
expert as I’ve been married just five
times actually that statement isn’t
strictly true I’ve been married legally
twice to two different husband’s and my
second and current husband and I had
four very different ceremonies which is
one contained illegal element which is
why I like to say I had five ceremonies
this is my beloved will my second
husband he’s Australian my first husband
was African and I like to tease will
that I’m working my way through the
alphabet not so long ago it was the norm
for religious bodies and governments to
standardize when where and how we could
marry also to say who could perform a
ceremony of marriage and who could marry
who and depending on who you love and
where you are in the world today this
can still be true whilst interracial and
single sex marriages are accepted and
celebrated in many countries they’re
still considered stigmatic and or
illegal in some parts of the world but I
acknowledge that huge progress has been
made and have been changes in mindsets
and laws and it’s very clear to see that
cultures and ethnicities of blended new
ideas have become accepted and
mainstream wedding ideas have evolved so
formally non traditional elements such
as personal vows ritual and symbolic
gesture beyond just an exchange of rings
and natural outdoor locations like the
beach have become much more usual
choices what’s great in this day and age
is that couples can choose to be
alternative or traditional or somewhere
in between now Joe my 20s I lived in
London and there I met my first husband
back then I considered myself Church of
England or Anglican and he considered
himself Muslim in as much as those were
the boxes we were tick if we were
filling in a form our birth religions
didn’t feature in our everyday lives and
yet they still influenced our thinking
as we wondered how and where we would
get married and to begin with how and
where was a bit of a dilemma he didn’t
feel comfortable getting married in
church and I didn’t feel comfortable
getting married in the mosque but we
were in love and we didn’t give too much
time or attention to thinking about
wording or content of our ceremony we
just wanted to be married so we where’d
with just 20 guests in a country hotel
which had just become a registered
premises for civil ceremonies and it
seems bizarre to me now to think that
back then in England in the 90s a short
civil non religious ceremony held by a
registrar was consul the best option for
two people such as ourselves who
regarded ourselves as different
religions these days there would be more
options so we’re married with the
blessings of both of our families and
with the best of intentions and as far
as we knew then for life so it was very
painful along the way to face the fact
that life holders in opposing directions
and after a few years we separated and
then amicably divorced I ended up in
Scotland i met will very quickly we
became firm friends before romance
blossomed but once it did within weeks
we knew marriage was on the cards
however it would take us nearly 12 years
to figure out what we were going to do
in between getting married for the first
and second times I had a rather extreme
change of career I went from being a PA
a personal assistant to becoming an
interfaith minister and following the
two-year training almost by accident I
began working in the Scottish wedding
industry as a celebrant so when it came
to getting married second time around I
was very well informed as to what my
many and varied options were so many
couples still have no idea of what
choices they have but I knew I had
flexibility and freedom with the wording
and content and I knew that a personal
and creative ceremony with depth and
meaning was possible and this time it
was so important to me and to will and I
knew for a fact what real Scotsman do or
don’t wear beneath their kilts I cannot
tell you how many gentlemen sit in the
front row at a wedding ceremony and they
forget what they’re wearing now this
photograph confirms the fact but it’s
more audience appropriate for today than
the usual full frontal view that I have
to enjoy so we’ll was very inspired to
wear a kilt for our ceremony and we were
very inspired to have our wedding our
way having seen lots of couples get
married fairway such as this couple who
married just the two of them on a lock
side wearing jeans and walking boots to
this couple who invited their friends
river fishing right up until the start
of
a surprise ceremony the friends thought
that we were there taking photographs
for trout fishermen magazine this couple
invited a hundred and seventy guests to
a marquee in an orchard and the four
bridesmaids enthusiastically led guests
singing and head banging to Bohemian
authentic expression and absolute choice
had well and truly arrived so as well
and I continue to reflect on how and
where we ourselves would marry we
realized we would potentially be
bringing together very orthodox church
goers with quite effort Eric
freethinkers with humanists with people
who would regard that they have no faith
or belief and we knew that we could have
a ceremony which would be welcoming
inclusive and respectful of these
differences just as it would honor our
spirituality which is somewhat difficult
to define and label but where would the
event be would it be in my hometown in
Yorkshire England in the village where
we live in Scotland or in wills home
city of Perth Western Australia if we
gathered everyone together in one place
all possibilities involve travel for
many guests and we just didn’t see how
we could make it convenient and cost
free for some and not everyone it just
didn’t seem fair and we didn’t have
unlimited funds to pay for everyone’s
travel and accommodation the idea of
eloping seemed very attractive but when
we lightly slipped this into a
conversation one day that we would just
sneak off and get marriage as the tubers
our friends left us in no doubt as to
their thoughts don’t you dare they said
so we didn’t dare far be it from us to
disappoint people but we also recognize
we had a calling to share our love and
our hospitality with others with very
sociable creatures and sharing food with
others is a big part of our lives so
it’s very us to want to have a big feast
and reception as well as something just
for us so we were torn by these two
extremes and we couldn’t see past having
one ceremony and celebration to
accomplish everything we wanted and that
just felt impossible the crucial shift
in our thinking came when someone
wondered why didn’t we go to all of the
different groups of family and friends
and have several gatherings but with one
lot of travel just for us well of course
that could still be very expensive
especially if we went down the route of
having all of the usual inclusions
flowers and favors and cakes and cars
and so on but the more we thought about
it the more the idea appealed to us and
we didn’t have to include all of those
extras so we decided to have a special
ceremony and celebration meal in each
place and we decided to make the most of
Scotland’s very progressive wedding laws
and we almost eloped for the first
ceremony we rented a beautiful house for
a week with fall of our closest friends
who very conveniently also happen to be
interfaith ministers here we are so we
invited one of them to hold the legal
aspect two of them to be our legal
witnesses and all of them to create our
wedding day as a surprise for us with
the stipulation that we didn’t want our
wedding to be a busman’s holiday as the
saying goes so we didn’t want them to
include anything that we might regularly
include in other people’s ceremony so no
ritual like candle
writing or sand pouring no poems or
readings on love or marriage we wanted a
unique experience we invited them to be
fun and creative and personal we trusted
them and they did not disappoint us in
fact they surpassed our expectations our
wedding day began with a Buddhist
meditation on peace very fitting as our
wedding day was September the 21st
international day of peace we continued
with a shamanic journey this was
followed by massage we then had a nature
walk and picnic and this was all before
the very relaxed and emotional ceremony
took place which included poems and
reflections our friends had written and
one of our friends had written composed
and recorded a song just for us the four
of them sang it to us and we were all in
tears and there were tears at our second
ceremony which was the other extreme in
size with over 300 guests here in this
very Hall we opened it to anyone to come
from the village where we live as we
didn’t want anyone to feel hurt and
excluded we wanted everyone to have a
memorable experience not just us so this
time we opened the ceremony by inviting
all of the young children we know well
to place precious objects on the central
altar by candlelight to honor nature and
the four elements air Fire Water and
Earth it was very sweet another special
moment was when 10 couples of our
dearest friends created a sound bath
around us the women stood behind me and
the men stood behind will and we were
surrounded by a gentle soothing sounding
which created a very profound sacred
space leading into silence joy
in which we exchanged our second set of
vows now we didn’t really expect wills
family to make the journey from
Australia to Scotland and so we didn’t
invite any of my family from England
either to make it fair and this very
much paved the way for our third and
fourth ceremonies number three was a
traditional but very personal church
blessing in Yorkshire England with hymns
and a memorial candle lighting to
remember my dad our fourth and final
ceremony was in Perth Western Australia
in underneath his garden next the pool
and this time it was held by another
dear friend and this time our ceremony
included lots of the usual ritual and
readings so that we could give our
family in Australia a taste of what it
is we do for people here in Scotland now
we think that we hold the record for the
number of ceremonies marrying the same
person certainly of people we know
personally and we’ve had a lot of
mileage out of the joke for weddings and
no funeral and in the end we still spent
way less than the average one wedding
costs here in the UK according to
figures from last year this averages
around 25,000 pounds in case you’re
wondering I will the same dress four
times will wore the same kilt four times
and I know what he wore beneath it but
I’m not telling having absolute carte
blanche is fantastic but maybe for some
couples it could be a little
overwhelming where then do you start if
you have so much choice and maybe too
little time to think and prepare well
some of the latest trends have been
inspired by big screen drama such as
Braveheart game of thrones and out
and there’s many different ways to
include the ancient ritual of hand time
or maybe before you take your first
steps as mr. and mrs. or mr. and mr. or
mrs. and mrs. you’d like to symbolically
step into your future with the Celtic
when we acquired this sword it wasn’t
for me to threaten with he’s pretty well
behaved most of the time although will
you said for wedding ceremonies would
mean for honeymoons and we’ve only had
one so far in days of old my dad would
very likely have regarded me as a
possession in his care and under his
protection and on the occasion of my
marriage he may well have considered he
was placing me under the care and
protection of my new husband and so he
might have presented will with a sword
to enable will to protect me I might
have been gifted a brooch or shawl in my
new clan tartan these sorts of unusual
rituals a great fun but clearly they
need to have an adapted context as we
like most modern couples consider our
marriage to be a marriage of equals no
possessing going on here I feel
incredibly fortunate to live and work in
Scotland which is so embracing of young
and old gay and straight so welcoming of
people of all nationalities and faiths
Scotland became so strongly associated
with marriages in recent centuries the
age you could legally marry without
parental consent was and still is 16
herons
and whereas it’s 18 in England and other
countries so from around the seventeen
hundreds young couples would nip over
the border to Gretna Green the first
village on the old coaching route from
London and there they could be married
by the blacksmith as back then Scotland
allowed for irregular marriages meaning
that in the presence of two witnesses
you could be married by almost anyone
now this is not the case anymore only
officiants authorized by the registrar
journal of scotland can’t perform
legally recognized ceremonies but once
we are of age we have choice we can
choose to choose we can redefine
marriage and what it means to us we can
take risks and I don’t just mean with
outdoor ceremonies and the Scottish
weather but with uplifting and inspiring
ideas and we can express our maverick
and passionate hearts and live our
dreams on our big day or days a week and
spread our love and our joy in this
often crazy and unsettled feeling world
now I never dreamt that I’d have the
variety of wedding ceremonies that I had
and having had four wedding ceremonies I
have four wedding anniversaries each
year this is a lot of dates to remember
but the plus side is that even though
will and I were married well into middle
age we’ll still get to celebrate our
25th wedding anniversary in just seven
years after we were married in 2019 now
multiple ceremonies and celebrations may
or may not be the way for you or your
family and friends to go but please just
know that these days pretty much
anything goes in your one or your 10
ceremonies you’re limited only by your
imagination and maybe your bank balance
thank [Applause]