human beings the greatest joy and
happiness in life answer relationships
we human beings we crave relationships
and given that truth that we crave
relationships why do we struggle as
often and we fail to forge enforce to
the kinds of relationships we ideally
would like to have there’s a reason and
the reason we fail and the reason we’re
not so successful and fortunate
fostering the relationships that we so
desire it is because we’re really using
the wrong tools and so I want to share
with you today a model that I believe
provides you with the tool that will
help us create nurture grow and mature
the kinds of relationships we ideally
would like to have now when I talk about
relationships I’m talking about
relationships in a very probably but in
this particular case I want to focus
particularly on what we tend to refer to
as significant romantic relationships
because the vast majority of us if not
all of us that’s the thing that we truly
truly warm so let me share with you how
to get to that place we ideally would
like to be using the four dimensional
love concept
four dimensional love says that
relationships are really based on four
Greek words that I use the first of
which is eros from which we get our
English word erotica physical love is
what I refer to it as and in the model I
labeled it physical touch second is
philia most of us are familiar with the
term Philadelphia it is philia meaning
friendship
and I use it in this particular contact
context as psychosocial engagement
the third Greek word that I use in this
model is storge affectionate love which
I referred to as affectionate attachment
and finally the last love type is agape
unconditional love that I referred to as
spiritual fulfillment four dimensional
love says that when individuals come
into relationships once again
particularly in the case of romantic
relationships they come in usually on
the basis of visual attraction boy sees
girl kind of a thing if you may and so
let me use that here to label this male
as Jack and this female as Jill just to
add a little flesh to the bones shall i
and so four dimensional love says that
when Jack meets Jill usually it’s a
response of just purely on visual
attraction four dimensional love says
that a Jack and Jill decide to actually
come into a relationship they come in at
this first dimension that I referred to
as selfish love my selfish love because
the little boy Jack here when he meets
still first and foremost he comes in at
his most basil point really focusing on
physical love Jack meets Jill he is
primarily interested in holding her hand
exchanging kisses with her and if she
would permit her him to engage her
sensually Jill on the other hand she
comes in at a place that I referred to
as psychosocial engagement Jill comes in
at a place of not so much eros physical
love she comes in at a place at Forli of
friendship love
what does Jill warrant Jill wants a
friend she wants stability reliability
trust trustworthiness
looking for a friend and so Jack and
Jill now in this first dimension of this
selfish place and four-dimensional love
says that this relationship continues to
grow if they grow it it will grow to
this next place that I referred to as
exploratory month where they experience
storge love or affectionate attachment
why do I call it
storge love or why do I call it
exploratory love I call it an
exploratory love because Jack with his
selfish self over here recognizes that
if he is going to get what he wants what
he needs and what he desires he’s going
to need to explore Jill’s needs wants
and desires what brings her joy in would
cause us a pain
Jill and her selfish so she recognizes
that if she’s going to get the friend
she wants she’s going to need to explore
Jack’s needs
Watson desires what brings him joy in
what courses can pain 4-dimensional
obsessive this relationship matures
beyond this second dimension it will
move to the third which I referred to as
contractual love why contractual
contractual love because Jack who
started all about being selfish but now
having explored Jill’s needs wants and
desires Jack gets to a place where he
says Jill baby girl if you want a friend
I can be your friend if you let me touch
you
I can become psycho socially engage if
you let me touch you and Jill says not a
problem if you want to touch me you can
do that but you would have to be my
friend so Jack and Jill have just now
entered this contract that says I’ll do
for you if you do for me but if you
don’t do for me but I’m done
see you later four-dimensional obsessed
the vast majority of relationships
marriages included never get beyond this
place of contractual love somehow we buy
to the idea that marriage and
significant other relationships as a
contract that somehow it gets negotiated
on the basis of need to also desires
that if I do for you you’ll do for me
but if you don’t do for me then I don’t
need to do for you before dimensional
love says that is actually the basis for
crossing relationships to go awry and if
we are to get better in our
relationships because we move away from
this concept of selfish or even
exploratory or contract to love and move
to a higher place a place that I refer
to a spiritual fulfillment the place
where virtues of peace and kindness and
gentleness they are for stood in forge
the four-dimensional love says we find
those place at a place of agape
unconditional love that I referred to as
covenant love spiritual fulfillment if
jackets of this place of covenant love
and spiritual fulfillment Jack says to
Jill baby I love you there is nothing
that you can do to cause me to love you
nor is there anything that you can do to
cause me not to love you I love you
because of my capacity to love because
of my kindness because of my patience
because of my gentleness because of my
willingness to give and forgive you
become the recipient of my love because
I am love Jill responds by saying thank
you that’s good me too
and Jill can get to that place of agape
unconditional covenant love by her
herself practicing those virtues and
those spiritual qualities and
turistic of kindness and patience and
gentleness and forgiveness
unconditionally the four-dimensional
love says that a Norfolk jacket until to
get to this place of covenant love they
must exercise those spiritual virtues to
the degree that they continue to do that
they remain at that place a copy
unconditional covenant love but if at
any point in time they choose not to
practice those virtues they choose not
to exercise those qualities and
characteristics of high spirituality
then this relationship begins to
experience what I refer to as recession
it begins to break down the principle of
recession here says the last thing in is
the first thing out and so as it begins
to break down and let’s assume for a
minute that it breaks down first with
Jill and you can hear Jill says it
breaks down Jack my love for you is no
longer inconditional but I’ll still let
you touch me and for Jack if the
relationship breaks down similarly you
can hear Jack say until they’re together
my love for you is no longer
inconditional
but I’ll still take care of you a
4-dimensional love says that if one of
them it only takes one to make a thing
go right contribute a proper belief
particularly when covenant love is at
play it only takes one of them to fix
this by once again engaging in these
spiritual qualities of patience and
kindness and gentleness and forgiveness
for this relationship to really go well
but if neither one of them chooses to
get back to this place by exercising
those principles and qualities this
relationship will continue to receive
and as it does it will go back to
exploratory love the jump can be heard
to say Jack my love for you is no longer
inconditional don’t you dare touch me
even though I understand what your needs
want
is our and Jill says and Jack says my
love for you is no longer conditional
I’m not going to take care of you even
though I end the sandwich it needs wants
and desires sorry
this relationship continues to break
down as an experience recession it will
go from exploratory love all the way
back to selfish love and as it does Jo
can be heard to say Jack my love for you
is no longer unconditional don’t you
dare touch me even though I understand
what it means Watson desire sorry but I
still want you to take care of me and
Jack can be heard to say baby girl my
love for you is low vulgar and
conditional I’m not going to take care
of you even though I understand which it
needs wants and desires are but I still
want them rolled into hey if something
isn’t done to correct this situation and
bring it back to this place of a godly
unconditional love Jack and Jill in all
likelihood we’ll check out of this
relationship
we’ll need to find themselves starting
another all over again
four-dimensional of four-dimensional
love says that we have the wherewithal
we have the capacity as human beings to
love unconditionally to be patient when
another reason to be caring when another
reason to be gentle and giving and
forgiving even though another chooses
not to pie because we have the capacity
we are love love does not exist outside
of us and controls us we the ones fully
in control of that into the degree that
we are the relationship changes first
for us and then for everyone else around
us and so the power of 4 dimensional
love says get to the place of agape
unconditional love where you’re able to
love placing no condition on your love
for
another human being just recently a
study was published 2012 a study was
published based on a research that
started in 1930 at a Harvard University
75 years and still running the book was
written to talk about this research
where 268 men started at what was at the
time Harvard College researchers were
following them and the question was what
is it that really brings us happiness
unlike what is it that we really want
what is it that brings us joy and
fulfillment and they followed these 268
men for now more than 75 years and
recently in the publication of the
charge volume note he said it is
fascinating what has come out of this 75
years of research what is it that people
really want Valiant rights there are two
pillars of happiness one is love the
other is finding a way of coping with
life that does not push love away who do
you say dr. Bauman who I’m saying is
love is it not only do we want it but
when we were able to know how to get it
if we can find ways in which not to push
it away that is the secret to successful
not just relationships but two successes
in life but he goes on he says second
what we have found from these 75 years
of research the 75 years and $20,000,000
expended on the grant study points to a
straightforward five word conclusion
happiness is love . happiness is love .
so I invite you I invite you to come to
a fuller understanding of what love
truly is but not so much eros physical
love not so much folia
friendship love not so much storge
affectionate love but more so
agape unconditional love get to the
place where your love for someone is
based on this concept of covenant love I
love you because of me my capacity to
love you then become the recipient of
the love that I am so that even when you
are not patient I am patience for you
even when you’re not kind I am kind for
you even when you are not giving I am
give Ness for you even when you need
forgiveness
I forgive because of my capacity forgive
on the basis of no condition for my love
so I invite you not only to understand
love but to live it out at its highest
possible level that my friends would be
at the level of Agape unconditional covenant love Thank you very