[Music]
[Laughter]
you
[Applause]
how does a semi closeted bisexual
teenage girl who has self-harmed has
both anxiety and depression and a broken
family survive well although it has not
been easy today I am fine and I say that
in the most genuine way I can my parents
were never married growing up and that
was always okay to me but they did both
end up getting married and even crazier
than that in the same year which I was
so excited about I got to be a flower
girl twice in one year that is any
eight-year-old little girl’s dream sixth
grade came along and I was doing fine
until my journey truly began when my mom
stepdad and I moved from Prairie Village
Kansas to Eagle Colorado now I had never
lived anywhere else in Prairie Village
Kansas so this was scary and exciting
and new life in Eagle Colorado is pretty
great until I found out my mom and
stepdad were getting a divorce I was
devastated and went off to live with my
dad and stepmom in California I had
never lived with my dad before during
the school year so this was a new
experience for the both of us all was
going well and I finished off sixth
grade and decided to do a theater camp
that summer I was having a great time
meeting new people loved being on stage
but then it was the night before my
first performance and I was laying in
bed and I heard my dad and stepmom
screaming at each other in the backyard
I heard them come inside and I was in
tears
I looked at them both in the eyes and
asked them why are you guys always
yelling at each other they two were
getting a divorce
first my mom now my dad who could be
next since neither of my parents were in
a situation suitable for me to be living
with them I was back to Prairie Village
Kansas with my grandparents now at 7th
grade and it’s going alright of course
but I know we’re teenagers you know how
we can be on the phone with my mom she
could tell something wasn’t quite right
with me and so I was off to the doctor
and got put on medication life still
felt like a bit of a drag but with the
Midd medication it made it a little bit
easier to put on a smile now it’s the
summer before ninth grade and I am so
excited because I am moving back to
Colorado to live with my mom I have a
new bedroom I’m about to start high
school and I’m back home so ninth grade
is going on freshman year was pretty
great now its 10th grade I’m starting to
have some problems I did not know one
person could produce so many tears so
many days in a row
whenever someone asked me how I was
feeling I responded with a simple fine
but what does fine mean sometimes people
say that word and they mean it they are
feeling great other times people say the
word fine and they use it as a mask to
cover up their true emotions Junior here
comes along life is still hard why am i
crying every day why don’t I feel safe
in my own bed I went to I went to school
life was good but the path I was on was
not a good one
I was ditching classes avoiding the
reality of my grades putting on a fake
smile every morning and cutting myself
now I never understood how someone could
be so cruel to him or herself that they
would physically bring pain I did not
understand until I reached that point in
my life I did not understand how
necessary it felt until I reached that
point I started by simply scratching
myself with pencils and pins and
scissors but it wasn’t enough eventually
I started using blades and I would watch
the blood drip out of my skin I would
not flinch I would not cry in those
moments I was strong and I was powerful
nothing and nobody was going to stop me
I did not care if I had to wear long
sleeves every day if it made me feel
fine it became an addiction an obsession
I knew it was wrong but I did not care I
could not bring myself to stop on top of
all these emotions I was having I was
hiding a girlfriend from my family yes I
said girlfriend not boyfriend girlfriend
one day I was sitting in class and I got
a text from my
it simply said are you and her more than
just friends oh gosh
I panicked what was she going to think
of me was she going to judge me or was
she going to think nothing of it I
responded with a timid yes but just to
throw her off I sent her a picture of my
arm with cuts on it from the night
before way to be subtle Skylar so now my
mom knows I have a girlfriend and that
I’m wildly depressed it came as a relief
to me that my mom was fully accepting of
my relationship and was only concerned
for my well-being and health that night
we had a hard talk but we had to make
some changes one of the decisions that
were made was to switch my medication
maybe the one I was on was not affecting
me in the right way so I switched
medication but about a week later I was
in the hospital it was not an allergic
reaction it was nothing of the sort
On January 16 2016 I woke up home alone
I have looked over at my nightstand and
saw my pill bottle sitting there and I
wanted to swallow everything inside of
them I dumped the pills out onto my bed
and continued getting ready for the day
considering I had work in just a few
hours I walked past them unable to avoid
them they were staring at me finally I
could not take it anymore I filled up my
blue cup with the pink straw and started
taking the pill
two at a time until there were none left
I went off to work and when co-workers
asked how I was doing I responded with a
simple fine and a slight smile now it
has been about an hour into my workday
and as you can imagine I am not feeling
like myself I am dizzy and I am tired
and I don’t feel like I should I brush
it off and now it’s two hours into my
workday and I cannot take it anymore I
look at one of my co-workers and tell
her what had happened she calmly brought
me to the back and called poison control
who then directed her to call 911
ambulance arrived and I was flooded with
questions and I could not hold it in
anymore
I was brought to tears what did you take
how much why all these questions that I
did not want to answer they then brought
me to the ambulance and attached me to
an IV and on the way to the hospital two
of my co-workers were following me and
trying to get a hold of my mom who still
does not know what has happened when
they finally got ahold of my mom she
rushed down the mountain where she was
working to meet us at the hospital they
were unable to pump my stomach due to
the fact that they found out too late so
they simply put me on an IV and
monitored my vitals as the day went on I
met with a social worker and had to
relive the day over again
step-by-step-by-step came as a relief
that I got to go that home that night
with my
and I was so happy but then the next
morning I woke up and I realized what I
had just done I was overwhelmed and
escaped and scared and I did not know
what to do next
so I began researching how to fix myself
according to research from UCLA people
cope with negative emotions in all sorts
of ways some of them including humor
some being exorcised some talking to a
counselor and so many more so naturally
I did all of them at the same time I
played my guitar every night I wrote in
my journal I was drawing I was talking
to people I started to eat healthier but
then it became too much and once again I
was on the ground feeling lost I had to
take another step back and it felt like
a failure but this was the important
step most important step back I have
taken yet I had to ask myself what makes
me feel good what makes me happy the
only thing that kept popping into my
mind was music so I continued to play my
guitar it kept my hands occupied so that
I was not cutting myself and it kept my
mind focused on top of playing my guitar
I would write and draw and talk to my
mom but this time separately I began to
feel a lot better but it still wasn’t
easy but nothing in life is what seemed
to be most important in my personal
coping mechanisms was that my hands were
occupied so that I was able to avoid a
razor blade
in life you have pushbacks and you have
challenges but as a it is important to
know that no matter what stops you that
you are not a failure and that you can
get back up I stand here today
and I am continuing to work on being
fine and accepting my emotions and it
has not been easy there have been hard
days terrible nights and long long weeks
but I am here today as I stand here in
front of you I have a hope for all of
you I hope that you can find acceptance
within yourself I hope that you are able
to accept your emotions I hope you know
you are loved you are cared for and you
are important I hope you are able to
take a step back and be okay with what
you are feeling but most important of
all I hope you truly feel fine of high
quality thank you for letting me share
with you my journey as a semi closeted
bisexual teenage girl who has
self-harmed has both anxiety and
depression and a broken family I am fine
and you can be too
you
you
[Laughter]
you
[Applause]
how does a semi closeted bisexual
teenage girl who has self-harmed has
both anxiety and depression and a broken
family survive well although it has not
been easy today I am fine and I say that
in the most genuine way I can my parents
were never married growing up and that
was always okay to me but they did both
end up getting married and even crazier
than that in the same year which I was
so excited about I got to be a flower
girl twice in one year that is any
eight-year-old little girl’s dream sixth
grade came along and I was doing fine
until my journey truly began when my mom
stepdad and I moved from Prairie Village
Kansas to Eagle Colorado now I had never
lived anywhere else in Prairie Village
Kansas so this was scary and exciting
and new life in Eagle Colorado is pretty
great until I found out my mom and
stepdad were getting a divorce I was
devastated and went off to live with my
dad and stepmom in California I had
never lived with my dad before during
the school year so this was a new
experience for the both of us all was
going well and I finished off sixth
grade and decided to do a theater camp
that summer I was having a great time
meeting new people loved being on stage
but then it was the night before my
first performance and I was laying in
bed and I heard my dad and stepmom
screaming at each other in the backyard
I heard them come inside and I was in
tears
I looked at them both in the eyes and
asked them why are you guys always
yelling at each other they two were
getting a divorce
first my mom now my dad who could be
next since neither of my parents were in
a situation suitable for me to be living
with them I was back to Prairie Village
Kansas with my grandparents now at 7th
grade and it’s going alright of course
but I know we’re teenagers you know how
we can be on the phone with my mom she
could tell something wasn’t quite right
with me and so I was off to the doctor
and got put on medication life still
felt like a bit of a drag but with the
Midd medication it made it a little bit
easier to put on a smile now it’s the
summer before ninth grade and I am so
excited because I am moving back to
Colorado to live with my mom I have a
new bedroom I’m about to start high
school and I’m back home so ninth grade
is going on freshman year was pretty
great now its 10th grade I’m starting to
have some problems I did not know one
person could produce so many tears so
many days in a row
whenever someone asked me how I was
feeling I responded with a simple fine
but what does fine mean sometimes people
say that word and they mean it they are
feeling great other times people say the
word fine and they use it as a mask to
cover up their true emotions Junior here
comes along life is still hard why am i
crying every day why don’t I feel safe
in my own bed I went to I went to school
life was good but the path I was on was
not a good one
I was ditching classes avoiding the
reality of my grades putting on a fake
smile every morning and cutting myself
now I never understood how someone could
be so cruel to him or herself that they
would physically bring pain I did not
understand until I reached that point in
my life I did not understand how
necessary it felt until I reached that
point I started by simply scratching
myself with pencils and pins and
scissors but it wasn’t enough eventually
I started using blades and I would watch
the blood drip out of my skin I would
not flinch I would not cry in those
moments I was strong and I was powerful
nothing and nobody was going to stop me
I did not care if I had to wear long
sleeves every day if it made me feel
fine it became an addiction an obsession
I knew it was wrong but I did not care I
could not bring myself to stop on top of
all these emotions I was having I was
hiding a girlfriend from my family yes I
said girlfriend not boyfriend girlfriend
one day I was sitting in class and I got
a text from my
it simply said are you and her more than
just friends oh gosh
I panicked what was she going to think
of me was she going to judge me or was
she going to think nothing of it I
responded with a timid yes but just to
throw her off I sent her a picture of my
arm with cuts on it from the night
before way to be subtle Skylar so now my
mom knows I have a girlfriend and that
I’m wildly depressed it came as a relief
to me that my mom was fully accepting of
my relationship and was only concerned
for my well-being and health that night
we had a hard talk but we had to make
some changes one of the decisions that
were made was to switch my medication
maybe the one I was on was not affecting
me in the right way so I switched
medication but about a week later I was
in the hospital it was not an allergic
reaction it was nothing of the sort
On January 16 2016 I woke up home alone
I have looked over at my nightstand and
saw my pill bottle sitting there and I
wanted to swallow everything inside of
them I dumped the pills out onto my bed
and continued getting ready for the day
considering I had work in just a few
hours I walked past them unable to avoid
them they were staring at me finally I
could not take it anymore I filled up my
blue cup with the pink straw and started
taking the pill
two at a time until there were none left
I went off to work and when co-workers
asked how I was doing I responded with a
simple fine and a slight smile now it
has been about an hour into my workday
and as you can imagine I am not feeling
like myself I am dizzy and I am tired
and I don’t feel like I should I brush
it off and now it’s two hours into my
workday and I cannot take it anymore I
look at one of my co-workers and tell
her what had happened she calmly brought
me to the back and called poison control
who then directed her to call 911
ambulance arrived and I was flooded with
questions and I could not hold it in
anymore
I was brought to tears what did you take
how much why all these questions that I
did not want to answer they then brought
me to the ambulance and attached me to
an IV and on the way to the hospital two
of my co-workers were following me and
trying to get a hold of my mom who still
does not know what has happened when
they finally got ahold of my mom she
rushed down the mountain where she was
working to meet us at the hospital they
were unable to pump my stomach due to
the fact that they found out too late so
they simply put me on an IV and
monitored my vitals as the day went on I
met with a social worker and had to
relive the day over again
step-by-step-by-step came as a relief
that I got to go that home that night
with my
and I was so happy but then the next
morning I woke up and I realized what I
had just done I was overwhelmed and
escaped and scared and I did not know
what to do next
so I began researching how to fix myself
according to research from UCLA people
cope with negative emotions in all sorts
of ways some of them including humor
some being exorcised some talking to a
counselor and so many more so naturally
I did all of them at the same time I
played my guitar every night I wrote in
my journal I was drawing I was talking
to people I started to eat healthier but
then it became too much and once again I
was on the ground feeling lost I had to
take another step back and it felt like
a failure but this was the important
step most important step back I have
taken yet I had to ask myself what makes
me feel good what makes me happy the
only thing that kept popping into my
mind was music so I continued to play my
guitar it kept my hands occupied so that
I was not cutting myself and it kept my
mind focused on top of playing my guitar
I would write and draw and talk to my
mom but this time separately I began to
feel a lot better but it still wasn’t
easy but nothing in life is what seemed
to be most important in my personal
coping mechanisms was that my hands were
occupied so that I was able to avoid a
razor blade
in life you have pushbacks and you have
challenges but as a it is important to
know that no matter what stops you that
you are not a failure and that you can
get back up I stand here today
and I am continuing to work on being
fine and accepting my emotions and it
has not been easy there have been hard
days terrible nights and long long weeks
but I am here today as I stand here in
front of you I have a hope for all of
you I hope that you can find acceptance
within yourself I hope that you are able
to accept your emotions I hope you know
you are loved you are cared for and you
are important I hope you are able to
take a step back and be okay with what
you are feeling but most important of
all I hope you truly feel fine of high
quality thank you for letting me share
with you my journey as a semi closeted
bisexual teenage girl who has
self-harmed has both anxiety and
depression and a broken family I am fine
and you can be too
you
you
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