our modern society is experienced rich
and reflection poor ask yourself when
was the last time you had an experience
now ask yourself when was the last time
you reflected on that experience we are
in the business of collecting
experiences Bizzy has become our new
normal a badge of honor worn by adults
and passed on to kids our over scheduled
digital world is full of instant
opinions and information overload all of
which hinders our ability to reflect the
educational philosopher John Dewey says
we do not learn from experience we learn
from reflecting on experience I was
fortunate enough to spend my 20s and 30s
living this quote as a wilderness
instructor it was my job to propel
students and to value forming
experiences and then create the space
and intentionality for them to reflect
on these experiences my job took me all
over the world I was privileged to
facilitate transformational experiences
for people of all cultures and ages
whether it was the student in the South
Bronx camping for the very first time in
the Adirondacks or the student in
Zimbabwe hiking with walking sticks to
fend off black mambas while clinging
tightly to the trail as to not set off
any landmines possibly left behind by
the Mozambique war or the 70 year old
woman who learned to rock climb for the
very first time in these beautiful
mountains of Western North Carolina
because you’re never too old to learn to
rock climb
the beauty of these collective
experiences is that I to learn from my
students reciprocal exchange of
inspiration aha articulated wisdom
occurred daily so blessed to have done
this work but here’s the thing when
people asked me about my job
instead of telling them about the
all-night hikes and the epic climbs the
close encounters with wildlife and the
near misses on raging Rapids I would
tell them about the circle ups I would
tell them about the reflections not the
experience I would tell them about the
lessons learned the vulnerability and
sharing ones story the power in knowing
you’re not alone and the application of
these lessons to their lives back home
circle ups are where we came together as
a community to share reflections on the
day make plans for the next day
problem-solve group issues speak from
the heart and share gratitude it is
where group culture was codified where
celebrations were evokes laughter shared
and tears shed it is where the magic
happens
circle ups took many forms they can be
organic and impromptu like this group of
students naturally circling up after a
strenuous hike to the summit with heavy
packs in their circle they began
refueling with food and debriefing the
trials and tribulations of their three
hours slog to the top of the summit they
can happen around campfires and often
marshmallows are involved they’re a time
to learn new skills like map and compass
and they can happen anytime and anywhere
in a cave or the first thing in the day
when inspiration and reflection on one
skills is needed to let them know they
have what it takes to canoe 15 miles in
the pouring rain
they are multi-generational where
institutional history and responsibility
of conservation is passed down there
when we come together to celebrate
community
they are first thing in the morning over
a cup of hot cocoa debriefing a rough
and unexpected cold night they are hard
conversations mutual respect and hope
and circle ups are where we create group
identity and rewrite societal narratives
like this group of young empowered
adventurous girls circling up before
they begin a five-day canoe expedition I
suppose I shouldn’t have been surprised
by the power of these circle ups circle
ups turn off busy which is often
vulnerability avoidance and they make
space for us to be vulnerable
we know from Brunei Browns work that
vulnerability is the birthplace of
courage creativity joy empathy and
belonging I remember one course I was
instructing the students for 16 and 17
years old it was a 23 day course and we
had one student on course who was in
recovery from anorexia she had wanted to
do a wilderness course for quite some
time
but only now was cleared by her doctor
it was day 18 of the course and we had
just finished a epic all-night Bush
pushed into camp collapsing at 3:00 a.m.
with just enough energy to pull out our
sleeping bags that morning in our circle
up reflecting on this insane all-night
hike that we did this student for the
very first time opened up and began to
share her journey with the group about
anorexia the pressure she felt to be
beautiful and thin smart and popular to
be perfect and then in that moment of
self-reflection she said but you know
what
I never felt more beautiful than I did
on that all-night hike I was smelly and
dirty covered in bug bites I was wearing
the same shirt from the start of course
eighteen days of funk but I felt
beautiful and I knew in that moment she
was redefining beauty for herself and as
a result for the rest of us and then she
made the transference she said when I
return home I’m gonna look in mirrors
less and look within myself more because
that’s where the beauty is I suppose I
should not have been surprised by the
power of these circle ups after all
humans have been coming together in
purposeful circles for thousands of
years many indigenous cultures still
circle up they circle up to confirm
identity of community through
storytelling ritual music and dance
these serpents circle ups give direction
and meaning to life circle ups are a
vital element to human life so why in
our modern times are we not doing more
of this when my husband also when this
instructor and I were blessed with our
miracle twin girls after a long windy
and at times painful journey to
Parenthood we knew that one day we would
be utilizing circle ups in our family
that we would be intentional about
creating the space to reflect both as a
family and as individuals within
families one way these circle apps
appear in our family are through family
meetings we started family meetings when
the girls were four years old and they
are now seven and like the circle ups of
my wilderness instructor days they have
been transformational for both our girls
and for our family now some of you may
be thinking what we had family meetings
when I was growing up and there was
nothing transformational about him
chances are these meetings were
every so often when somebody was in
trouble or news had to be shared
like hey kids we caught this family we
need to let you all know we’re moving
family meetings are not punishment and
they are not a platform for
controversial news
they are intentional habitual and
routine they are co-owned between kids
and parents they are moments of
reflection in our hurried lives family
meetings are a laboratory for our kids
to develop practice and perfect life
skills they empower our kids by
encouraging them to take a role in their
upbringing when we ask kids what they
think or what ideas they have for
solving an issue we acknowledge their
place in a family and that their ideas
and our opinions are of worth family
meetings create a safe space for our
kids to share feelings it can be a rare
window into their innermost thoughts and
family meetings create a constructive
form for grievances to be aired rather
than the living room yelling match or
kitchen brawl it’s not unusual in our
family to hear drawers slam shut and
declarations made of I am so glad there
is a family meeting on Sunday or the
time when Quinn age 5 overheard me
mutter to myself and complete
frustration why am I the only one that
turns off all the lights to which she
replied mom you might want to bring that
up at the family meeting I’d like to
share some of the structure of our
family meetings with you it’s not a
complete list but it will begin to paint
a picture we hold them once a week we
find mornings and afternoons work best
as we’re all pretty fried by the time
evening comes and we make sure everyone
has a full stomach because we don’t
hangri to be a part of our meeting after
the meeting is called to order
we begin with appreciations this gives
us a chance to come together as a family
take a deep breath and acknowledge each
other we share gratitude for one another
all the while creating a sense of
belonging one of the greatest gifts we
can bestow on our children is a sense of
belonging and if they find that at home
they will be less likely to look for it
in negative terms outside the home and
let’s face it we’re all at our best when
we feel a sense of belonging we read the
family mission statement which helps us
build a positive family culture and
identity after we read the family
mission statement we begin a process of
both group and self reflection called
the plus Delta plus beam what are we
doing wow that we want to carry into the
next week and Delta the Greek symbol of
change what changes do we want to make
as we move into the next week this moves
us from problem focused to solution
focused anybody can point out a problem
we need to raise kids that see solutions
and we always end with a celebration
research shows us that high-performing
teams take time to celebrate and
families are no different we need to
spend time being grateful and
celebrating the ordinary these are just
a few of our agenda items now the crux
move of a family meeting is the
facilitator role in an effort to
co-create our family with our girls and
provide them a laboratory for leadership
we all take turns facilitating our
meeting has an official agenda check off
sheets this allows our girls to be
completely responsible for facilitating
a meeting as I was preparing this
I started to wonder is it just me that
loves family meetings or do my girls
really love them I can clearly see how
beneficial they are to our family
but that doesn’t mean the love is mutual
perhaps my girls are only in it for the
ice cream and allowances so I decided to
ask them and this quick video is one of
their answers 20 hi mom honey I was
wondering do you like our family
meetings I loved Quinn’s response I love
to lead people at a time when they’re
only 21 female senators out of 100 in
our government I love to hear my
seven-year-old daughter say she loves to
lead people we don’t wake up one day as
an effective leader we become an
effective leader
there is no overnight success effective
leaders practice and practice and
practice they develop with each piece of
feedback and reflection they look for
learnings and they apply these learnings
family meetings are the training ground
for our kids to become leaders to
practice leadership skills and a loving
environment where consequences are low
to build the confidence to become the
leader that both they and our world
needs family meetings are a gift to our
family and a gift to society our
children’s generation will be saddled
with problems that we have created what
this world is going to need is solution
focused effective compassionate leaders
our kids can be these leaders so here’s
the thing with family meetings as you
begin to create this Laboratory of love
leadership and possibility you will need
to embrace perfectly imperfect if you
strive for perfection
you will never start Zoey our daughter
spends many a family meeting under the
kitchen table with Connor the family dog
or spinning in a chair here’s the thing
with family meetings they don’t have to
be perfect and they still work there is
so much pressure on us as parents some
self-inflicted and some culturally
inflicted the last thing we need is
another to-do item family meetings are
not this embrace perfectly imperfect and
if your daughter or son spins in the
chair like ours know this that with each
family meeting you hold you are creating
a family culture and ritual of circling
up and there is power and circling up
imagine a world where our kids circle up
to talk before yelling to share before
closing off to ask before judging to
celebrate the ordinary and be grateful
for the people in their lives imagine a
world where we as adults do the same
where we balance reflection and
experience my hope for the families out
there is that you begin the practice of
family meetings and my hope for the rest
of you is that you Circle up
let’s make sacred again the art of
reflection and the coming together and
purposeful circles
thank you
you
and reflection poor ask yourself when
was the last time you had an experience
now ask yourself when was the last time
you reflected on that experience we are
in the business of collecting
experiences Bizzy has become our new
normal a badge of honor worn by adults
and passed on to kids our over scheduled
digital world is full of instant
opinions and information overload all of
which hinders our ability to reflect the
educational philosopher John Dewey says
we do not learn from experience we learn
from reflecting on experience I was
fortunate enough to spend my 20s and 30s
living this quote as a wilderness
instructor it was my job to propel
students and to value forming
experiences and then create the space
and intentionality for them to reflect
on these experiences my job took me all
over the world I was privileged to
facilitate transformational experiences
for people of all cultures and ages
whether it was the student in the South
Bronx camping for the very first time in
the Adirondacks or the student in
Zimbabwe hiking with walking sticks to
fend off black mambas while clinging
tightly to the trail as to not set off
any landmines possibly left behind by
the Mozambique war or the 70 year old
woman who learned to rock climb for the
very first time in these beautiful
mountains of Western North Carolina
because you’re never too old to learn to
rock climb
the beauty of these collective
experiences is that I to learn from my
students reciprocal exchange of
inspiration aha articulated wisdom
occurred daily so blessed to have done
this work but here’s the thing when
people asked me about my job
instead of telling them about the
all-night hikes and the epic climbs the
close encounters with wildlife and the
near misses on raging Rapids I would
tell them about the circle ups I would
tell them about the reflections not the
experience I would tell them about the
lessons learned the vulnerability and
sharing ones story the power in knowing
you’re not alone and the application of
these lessons to their lives back home
circle ups are where we came together as
a community to share reflections on the
day make plans for the next day
problem-solve group issues speak from
the heart and share gratitude it is
where group culture was codified where
celebrations were evokes laughter shared
and tears shed it is where the magic
happens
circle ups took many forms they can be
organic and impromptu like this group of
students naturally circling up after a
strenuous hike to the summit with heavy
packs in their circle they began
refueling with food and debriefing the
trials and tribulations of their three
hours slog to the top of the summit they
can happen around campfires and often
marshmallows are involved they’re a time
to learn new skills like map and compass
and they can happen anytime and anywhere
in a cave or the first thing in the day
when inspiration and reflection on one
skills is needed to let them know they
have what it takes to canoe 15 miles in
the pouring rain
they are multi-generational where
institutional history and responsibility
of conservation is passed down there
when we come together to celebrate
community
they are first thing in the morning over
a cup of hot cocoa debriefing a rough
and unexpected cold night they are hard
conversations mutual respect and hope
and circle ups are where we create group
identity and rewrite societal narratives
like this group of young empowered
adventurous girls circling up before
they begin a five-day canoe expedition I
suppose I shouldn’t have been surprised
by the power of these circle ups circle
ups turn off busy which is often
vulnerability avoidance and they make
space for us to be vulnerable
we know from Brunei Browns work that
vulnerability is the birthplace of
courage creativity joy empathy and
belonging I remember one course I was
instructing the students for 16 and 17
years old it was a 23 day course and we
had one student on course who was in
recovery from anorexia she had wanted to
do a wilderness course for quite some
time
but only now was cleared by her doctor
it was day 18 of the course and we had
just finished a epic all-night Bush
pushed into camp collapsing at 3:00 a.m.
with just enough energy to pull out our
sleeping bags that morning in our circle
up reflecting on this insane all-night
hike that we did this student for the
very first time opened up and began to
share her journey with the group about
anorexia the pressure she felt to be
beautiful and thin smart and popular to
be perfect and then in that moment of
self-reflection she said but you know
what
I never felt more beautiful than I did
on that all-night hike I was smelly and
dirty covered in bug bites I was wearing
the same shirt from the start of course
eighteen days of funk but I felt
beautiful and I knew in that moment she
was redefining beauty for herself and as
a result for the rest of us and then she
made the transference she said when I
return home I’m gonna look in mirrors
less and look within myself more because
that’s where the beauty is I suppose I
should not have been surprised by the
power of these circle ups after all
humans have been coming together in
purposeful circles for thousands of
years many indigenous cultures still
circle up they circle up to confirm
identity of community through
storytelling ritual music and dance
these serpents circle ups give direction
and meaning to life circle ups are a
vital element to human life so why in
our modern times are we not doing more
of this when my husband also when this
instructor and I were blessed with our
miracle twin girls after a long windy
and at times painful journey to
Parenthood we knew that one day we would
be utilizing circle ups in our family
that we would be intentional about
creating the space to reflect both as a
family and as individuals within
families one way these circle apps
appear in our family are through family
meetings we started family meetings when
the girls were four years old and they
are now seven and like the circle ups of
my wilderness instructor days they have
been transformational for both our girls
and for our family now some of you may
be thinking what we had family meetings
when I was growing up and there was
nothing transformational about him
chances are these meetings were
every so often when somebody was in
trouble or news had to be shared
like hey kids we caught this family we
need to let you all know we’re moving
family meetings are not punishment and
they are not a platform for
controversial news
they are intentional habitual and
routine they are co-owned between kids
and parents they are moments of
reflection in our hurried lives family
meetings are a laboratory for our kids
to develop practice and perfect life
skills they empower our kids by
encouraging them to take a role in their
upbringing when we ask kids what they
think or what ideas they have for
solving an issue we acknowledge their
place in a family and that their ideas
and our opinions are of worth family
meetings create a safe space for our
kids to share feelings it can be a rare
window into their innermost thoughts and
family meetings create a constructive
form for grievances to be aired rather
than the living room yelling match or
kitchen brawl it’s not unusual in our
family to hear drawers slam shut and
declarations made of I am so glad there
is a family meeting on Sunday or the
time when Quinn age 5 overheard me
mutter to myself and complete
frustration why am I the only one that
turns off all the lights to which she
replied mom you might want to bring that
up at the family meeting I’d like to
share some of the structure of our
family meetings with you it’s not a
complete list but it will begin to paint
a picture we hold them once a week we
find mornings and afternoons work best
as we’re all pretty fried by the time
evening comes and we make sure everyone
has a full stomach because we don’t
hangri to be a part of our meeting after
the meeting is called to order
we begin with appreciations this gives
us a chance to come together as a family
take a deep breath and acknowledge each
other we share gratitude for one another
all the while creating a sense of
belonging one of the greatest gifts we
can bestow on our children is a sense of
belonging and if they find that at home
they will be less likely to look for it
in negative terms outside the home and
let’s face it we’re all at our best when
we feel a sense of belonging we read the
family mission statement which helps us
build a positive family culture and
identity after we read the family
mission statement we begin a process of
both group and self reflection called
the plus Delta plus beam what are we
doing wow that we want to carry into the
next week and Delta the Greek symbol of
change what changes do we want to make
as we move into the next week this moves
us from problem focused to solution
focused anybody can point out a problem
we need to raise kids that see solutions
and we always end with a celebration
research shows us that high-performing
teams take time to celebrate and
families are no different we need to
spend time being grateful and
celebrating the ordinary these are just
a few of our agenda items now the crux
move of a family meeting is the
facilitator role in an effort to
co-create our family with our girls and
provide them a laboratory for leadership
we all take turns facilitating our
meeting has an official agenda check off
sheets this allows our girls to be
completely responsible for facilitating
a meeting as I was preparing this
I started to wonder is it just me that
loves family meetings or do my girls
really love them I can clearly see how
beneficial they are to our family
but that doesn’t mean the love is mutual
perhaps my girls are only in it for the
ice cream and allowances so I decided to
ask them and this quick video is one of
their answers 20 hi mom honey I was
wondering do you like our family
meetings I loved Quinn’s response I love
to lead people at a time when they’re
only 21 female senators out of 100 in
our government I love to hear my
seven-year-old daughter say she loves to
lead people we don’t wake up one day as
an effective leader we become an
effective leader
there is no overnight success effective
leaders practice and practice and
practice they develop with each piece of
feedback and reflection they look for
learnings and they apply these learnings
family meetings are the training ground
for our kids to become leaders to
practice leadership skills and a loving
environment where consequences are low
to build the confidence to become the
leader that both they and our world
needs family meetings are a gift to our
family and a gift to society our
children’s generation will be saddled
with problems that we have created what
this world is going to need is solution
focused effective compassionate leaders
our kids can be these leaders so here’s
the thing with family meetings as you
begin to create this Laboratory of love
leadership and possibility you will need
to embrace perfectly imperfect if you
strive for perfection
you will never start Zoey our daughter
spends many a family meeting under the
kitchen table with Connor the family dog
or spinning in a chair here’s the thing
with family meetings they don’t have to
be perfect and they still work there is
so much pressure on us as parents some
self-inflicted and some culturally
inflicted the last thing we need is
another to-do item family meetings are
not this embrace perfectly imperfect and
if your daughter or son spins in the
chair like ours know this that with each
family meeting you hold you are creating
a family culture and ritual of circling
up and there is power and circling up
imagine a world where our kids circle up
to talk before yelling to share before
closing off to ask before judging to
celebrate the ordinary and be grateful
for the people in their lives imagine a
world where we as adults do the same
where we balance reflection and
experience my hope for the families out
there is that you begin the practice of
family meetings and my hope for the rest
of you is that you Circle up
let’s make sacred again the art of
reflection and the coming together and
purposeful circles
thank you
you
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