is rampant and it leaves our children
increasingly vulnerable so I’m a parent
I’m a dad and I worry is my
communication style part of the problem
because sometimes as a parent I’m a dick
potater dictator when the kids were in
diapers being a dictator worked great
don’t like that knife oh that’s not a
dictator style of leadership is one
where we use ultimatums threats and
demands to get our way as a parent is
there any other way to talk to a
two-year-old and keep them alive but as
the kids get older dictatorship becomes
a problem not a solution kids don’t want
a dictator as a parent and so they shut
you down and shut you out
we’ve all seen what happens once the
dictator is ousted right first the
people rebel but then they just wander
until a new leader finds them my kids
are nine and twelve and that worries me
because I know they’ve got influences
outside of the house do you know that as
a parent as an adult I actually believe
in the boogeyman more than I ever did as
a little kid a couple months back it’s 6
a.m. it’s cold it’s dark it’s rainy
I’m in the kitchen just before swim
practice and my daughter
Valencia she’s just staring at a plate
of scrambled eggs and she’s got this
frustrated thousand-mile stare on that
sweet angelic tell you Jesus and so I
oh yeah I’m a dad I’m a guy
I forgot chapter 1 of the dude handbook
you never ask a girl
what’s wrong of course I’m still her dad
so on the drive home I used different
words so valensa
breakfast was pretty quiet today well
finally she tells me old-fashioned
schoolyard bullying had met social media
on the one social media app we let her
one girl said mean things about another
girl and then when Valencia steps in to
defend her friend somehow the focus of
those vicious messages moves her from
the edge to the middle of that fight and
I I don’t know how but somehow my
daughter’s best solution is I’ve decided
to quit the swim team I lost it why
forget that you’re not quitting swimming
dad of the year right here Swimming’s
always been a massive part of Valencia’s
life
do you remember reaching out to touch
your wife’s belly just to feel that baby
kick
Valencia used to do dog paddle should
see her bedroom it’s covered in years of
swimming ribbons and trophies and
beautiful art it’s how she defines
herself fit happy confident I can’t just
let her throw all that away but the more
I pushed the more I was a dictator the
more she shut me down she shut me out
and when we got home she slammed the
door and she ran inside even the next
day nothing nothing except the dictator
he’s starting to realize ultimatums
threats demands she’s not gonna cut it
that was the night my wife and I finally
have a chance to talk so we flopped down
on the couch
you know ignoring the LEGO pieces you’re
sitting on and we just try to make sense
of this friends and swimming and
quitting and social media thing my wife
Deidre goes what happened these little
kids they used to all be friends and now
they’re just trying to pull each other
down I don’t know drama bullying letting
yourself get bullied but Valencia is in
pain she’s not talking and she has to
want to stay in swimming remember how I
said I believe in the boogeyman more
than I ever did as a little kid because
the boogie Mans in the news every day
drugs gangs sexting bullying letting
yourself get bullied
it turns out the boogeyman is a parent’s
nightmare and family communication
breakdowns leave our children see what
so glass of wine in hand Deidre and I
start picking up toys the Lego Deidre
turns to me and says hey what if we
what well you know use your business
strategies at home how she said well Dom
you teach people how to be inspiring
leaders maybe we could do that and be
inspiring parents show them and teach
them and listen instead of force and
push and dictate well I mean yeah that’s
what I do but it sounds pretty
controversial until we started talking
and we decided it was worth a shot
because we you know we can’t fail at
this one just can’t our competition is
so we fall back on what I know what I do
I know business tools I’m a business
coach I’ve started and built and sold a
couple of companies now and I’ve seen
what it takes to build strong sharp
leaders in business the best executives
understand a company’s vision its goals
and its values and that drives good
decision-making vision is the big
picture the grand prize what were
ultimately aiming for our goals
well goals are actually just the little
steps along the way that get you to the
vision and our values values is the
compass that keeps us on the path it’s
Who I am what I will and won’t do as a
person but how do you translate business
tools into mom and dad language for
preteens well that night picking up Lego
we decided to run a social experiment on
ourselves we would take the tools that
we know from business and modify them
into a system for leading and guiding
our family first we’re gonna make vision
boards get a stack of old magazines and
some glue sticks and poster board it’s
really mostly just dollar store stuff
second instead of business meetings
we’re gonna rely on something that we
as a family and look we know our kids
our kids if I call a family meeting to
talk about our vision our values our
goals well that’s gonna go over like
Brussels sprouts right Deidre said
something very cool she said hon I don’t
even think we need to push it let’s just
get the conversation started because we
have our whole lives to finish it where
hmm so our kids love sushi love it love
it love it
Friday night comes we order in a ton of
sushi kids have a little bit of miso
soup in their belly it’s time for me to
launch the plan let me tell it hey kids
do you know what a vision board is well
the words aren’t even out of my mouth
Valencia’s got her eyes on a California
roll she just looks at me she drops her
shoulders she’s like come on dad please
can’t we just eat gentlemen the next
look I got was this from Deidre and she
she said kids
this’ll be fun we’re gonna cut pictures
out of the magazines and glue them on
the board
Valencia that’s it
just cutting out pictures and gluing
them on the board and then Deidre said
yeah you know what kids just look
through the magazines anything you want
to come true in your life
cut that picture out and then glue it on
your vision board it was so much fun
Valencia cut out pictures of beautiful
and JJ my nine-year-old son he cut out
pictures of cute animals and boats like
cruise ships and so when Dedra and I
asked him about it he said very
matter-of-factly well those are the
animals I’d like to see all around the
world and I’d like to go by boat okay
okay so that night you know what was on
the table with the sushi our family’s
vision our family’s goals anyways the
next day was a practice day a brutal –
our swim practice day and I knew I
couldn’t push I couldn’t be the dictator
I had to be patient and I had to I had
to wait six o’clock I’m waiting 6:01 I’m
6:02 I’m waiting and then I hear it she
comes running down the stairs and she
has her swim bag in her hand and she
says come on dad let’s go I don’t want
it it worked my wife and I hadn’t told
her what to do we’d had that little
family meeting sushi and we’d made
vision boards with our kids and she’d
refocused on her goals and to the kids
it just looked like arts and crafts with
mom and dad she talked with me the whole
way to swim practice and I just kept
quiet except I said things like okay
yeah tell me more about that honey how
this is serious business coaching you’re
hearing right now is it ironic that when
we set out to teach our kids how to
think differently we had to do it first
you know what Deidre and I learned
dictatorship that’s easy inspirational
leadership that takes real effort and
the effort is worth it our kids are
talking with us not to us with us and
now they don’t use business words like
values right but they should you talk
about those vision boards they already
want to do it again the steps we took
seem so simple now and I keep hoping our
social experiment can inspire others
because it worked for us and it might
work for you too
number one make a decision to be an
inspiring leader as a parent and that
way you won’t have to compete with the
boogeyman
number two make vision boards with your
kids incredible fun and what we learned
is that our kids got to tell us what
their goals were through pictures and
number three double down on the
tradition of family meals together no TV
for my family that that little sushi
meeting old-fashioned dinner with family
it got the conversation started and we
there is one more threat that I am
working hard at finding a business
[Applause] you