[Music]
what do you think is the most common
word that high schoolers tell me is used
to insult bully or disrespect girls take
a guess
you got it how many women will be
called this word well all of them now my
students used to say not on professor
what about a nun but then I met a nun I
asked the nun and she said of course
I’ve been called the
and and I thought to myself I thought to
myself damn if the nun is getting called
a that means every one of our
mothers daughters sisters friends
co-workers every one of them will be
called that word why should we care
finish this sentence for me that
got what she exactly think about what we
just said think about what we just told
a rapist a bully and abuser we told them
that it’s that some women deserve it
we told them to go for it and what did
we just tell a victim we said it’s your
fault you deserved it we told them to
keep silent you see our language matters
our actions matter inaction is when we
hear the word being used and we say
nothing action is when we say no that’s
not right inspired by dr. Martin Luther
King Junior’s famous quote injustice
anywhere is a threat to justice
everywhere my colleague Jenelle Williams
and I have grown fond of saying that in
action anywhere is an endorsement to
injustice everywhere our in action
matters our inaction normalizes bullying
disrespect and abuse
now our inaction comes in many different
forms of course consider for example how
many times you’ve heard someone repeat
the stereotype that guys think about sex
all the time
now I go to high schools and they tell
me that guys think about sex every three
seconds every three seconds
this is absurd right I mean like haha
how would you function as a human being
in society if this were true right you
know I want like hi my name is wool
right I mean it is it is ridiculous and
and we playfully suggest we playfully
suggest ah you know how guys are you
know how guys are referring to men’s
insatiable sexual desires and we do this
without realizing that we are basically
saying that male victims of rape weren’t
raped because they must have wanted it
and if they didn’t well they probably
should have stopped it make no mistake
our inaction to address this stereotype
sends a powerful message to a potential
rapist because it says that guys can’t
control themselves
it says guys think about sex and wants
sex and needs sex so guys will do
whatever it takes to get sex right know
though this makes it sound like all men
are potential walking rape time bombs
which if you are a man or know a man I
think this idea should infuriate you
this idea makes it sound like rape and
sex trafficking are normal and
acceptable our actions do matter whether
we hear someone using the word
calling someone ghetto labeling someone
retarded or saying that’s so gay our
action or inaction is the difference
between inclusion and discrimination
between safety and violence because when
we dehumanize and disrespect other
people hurting them gets easier for
years I’ve been doing an activity all
across the United States and in middle
schools and and military bases in
hospitals in higher education I’ve done
it from the mountains to the valleys
literally from sea to shining sea I ask
people to describe a world where we
prioritize respect and then to describe
a world we don’t prioritize respect this
is what they tell me and what you see in
front of you is kind of obvious isn’t it
right and so too is the answer to the
question I asked them which of these
worlds do they prefer
and they all picked the disrespect one
now of course they don’t know they don’t
know they don’t everyone picks the
respect one and why who doesn’t want
that world but a world where we
prioritize respect is not our default
condition we have to choose it and we
have to choose respect not just for
other people but for ourselves how many
of you know a boy or a man who knows the
stereotype that says real men are strong
and and and solve problems on their own
and they know it’s a stupid stereotype
but they still feel like a failure when
they have to ask for help how many of
you know a girl or woman who knows the
stereotype that says that women’s bodies
need to be thin curvy young and flawless
to be attractive and they know it’s a
stupid stereotype but they still feel
self-conscious about their own body how
many of you know someone who isn’t a boy
or a girl and learns to to not feel
comfortable with who they are how many
of you know a young black child who who
fifteen out of the 21 children preferred
the white doll our in action in the face
of stereotypes and disrespect hurts us
all deeply but we can make a choice to
redefine even the most unhealthy of
ideas for example no means no is
probably the most common story in our
culture about consent I mean I heard it
constantly growing up and and it got
compared to another story I got
connected to it and it got connected to
this other story that said real men
don’t ask they just go for it now these
two interconnected stories were repeated
hundreds of times in movies and TV shows
and songs if you want to kiss someone
just go for it heck I got told the story
of Sleeping Beauty as if that was normal
or acceptable
mind you this woman is unconscious when
this guy comes up and starts making out
with her no no means no is absurd first
first we say you know that if you want
to do things and it’s courageous to to
just do what you want to do but but
asking is actually also courageous
because when you ask you risk rejection
not to mention asking is the simplest
and most effective way to find out what
the other person wants yeah second not
everyone’s going to say no sometimes
because they’re afraid maybe because
they’re intimidated maybe they’ve frozen
up or perhaps they’re unconscious or
incapacitated like sleeping beauty third
no means no implies the consent exists
by default think about it if no means no
is the policy then I can walk into the
audience right now and just start
grabbing your genitals and I’m guessing
I’m guessing most of you would not be
okay with this I mean some of you might
but most of you most of you would not be
okay with this but based on the logic of
no means no you just have to endure what
I’m doing because consent is there until
you take it away no that’s no this is
ridiculous we need to tell a new story a
new story like the one my friend and
mentor Carol Mosley taught me yes means
yes and everything else means no yes
yes means yes and everything else means
no this way we teach everybody that
touching someone else’s body is not
something they have a right to rather
you have permission to touch someone
else when and only when they give you
permission
that’s consent and yes means yes doesn’t
have to be those exact words
every time yes means yes is about us
mutually exploring our sexual desires
it’s about someone else’s needs being
important to us it’s about sex being
collaborative not competitive and let’s
be honest isn’t sex always better when
we’re collaborating at it right yes
means yes yes means yes is a simple
reminder that consent is sexy I mean
it’s also mandatory because without
consent its rape but consent is actually
damn sexy I mean when someone you want
to have sex with comes up to you and
says hey I’d like to put my Wow and
you’re her and then well ha ha ha
I mean basically everyone on the planet
is like let’s do it right look
practicing and promoting yes means yes
and consent is a simple choice because
rape is less likely to happen in a world
where we prioritize safe healthy
respectful sexual experiences action
here is a no-brainer but yes means yes
only works if we ask then listen and
respect the other person’s response in
fact listening to and valuing other
people’s experiences well that’s that’s
essential if we’re gonna build a health
or say a healthier and safer world based
on work by Professor philosophy Talia
Boettcher our team now refers to this
concept as basic acknowledgement of
experience it stands in stark contrast
to basic denial of experience which is
when we value our own version of
someone’s experiences over theirs basic
denial of experience is when a victim of
workplace discrimination says they’re
being mistreated and we say you’re
probably overreacting basic denial of
experienced when a
some of sexual assault tells us what
happened and we judged them by asking
about choices that they made basic
denial of experience is when a community
of people living in fear for their lives
say black lives matter and we look back
at them and say well wait white lives
matter – basic denial of experience is
when someone says no to our kiss and we
kiss them anyway because we think we
know what they want basic denial of
experience is when we focus solely on
our intentions and not on the impact of
our actions basic acknowledgement of
experience basic acknowledgement of
experience when we say I recognize what
I said hurt you and I’m sorry or I’m not
sure if I understand your experience
entirely but I mean I hear you and I
want to help or it’s okay of course we
can stop or thanks for telling me that
must have been really hard basic
acknowledgement of experience is a
simple choice to allow other people to
be the experts on their lives have you
ever heard someone say you know what I
hate people who value my experiences no
no you have never heard anyone say that
and why because we all want that basic
acknowledgement of experience is us
building space for empathy and
connection instead of silencing people’s
voices which is exactly how violence
discrimination bullying and abuse
flourish yes means yes only works though
if we if we value other people’s safety
and their sense of well-being which is
exactly why we have to act in the face
of bigotry because it destroys our
safety and thus our chance to connect
look I’m not here to tell you that I
always take action I don’t and I’m
definitely not here to tell you that I
have always chosen respect I haven’t I’m
here because after a decade plus of
trying to prevent violence and build a
more inclusive world I’ve come to
realize that we want this world if we
really want this world there are no side
lines there’s a fancy public health term
called collective impact it it basically
says that to create social change
everyone has to participate everyone has
to act in some
little way so let’s say this building it
is a metaphor for a world where violence
bullying abuse and disrespect happen so
it becomes the metaphoric space for for
everyone who’s been called a for
everyone who’s been told their manhood
is about getting laid for everyone who
said no and wasn’t listened to and for
every victim who’s been blamed so we
want to tear this building down right
except here’s the catch there is no
magic bulldozer there is no magic
dynamite to blow up this building of
disrespect no there never has been and
there never will be but every one of us
has the tools we already need a tiny
little hammer and a tiny little chisel
now you might be thinking how are we
gonna tear down a building with tiny
hammers and tiny chisels right because
we’re gonna remember that as we start
chipping away other people are going to
see us and they’re going to begin to
realize that action not in action that
action is the norm and then they’re
gonna be chipping away with us and
before you know it there are thousands
and thousands and thousands of us
chipping away chipping away one little
action at a time no superheroes needed
just one little action every day and
then well then we will bring this sucker
down so today I’m here to ask you to
pick up that tiny hammer to pick up that tiny chisel and act thank you
what do you think is the most common
word that high schoolers tell me is used
to insult bully or disrespect girls take
a guess
you got it how many women will be
called this word well all of them now my
students used to say not on professor
what about a nun but then I met a nun I
asked the nun and she said of course
I’ve been called the
and and I thought to myself I thought to
myself damn if the nun is getting called
a that means every one of our
mothers daughters sisters friends
co-workers every one of them will be
called that word why should we care
finish this sentence for me that
got what she exactly think about what we
just said think about what we just told
a rapist a bully and abuser we told them
that it’s that some women deserve it
we told them to go for it and what did
we just tell a victim we said it’s your
fault you deserved it we told them to
keep silent you see our language matters
our actions matter inaction is when we
hear the word being used and we say
nothing action is when we say no that’s
not right inspired by dr. Martin Luther
King Junior’s famous quote injustice
anywhere is a threat to justice
everywhere my colleague Jenelle Williams
and I have grown fond of saying that in
action anywhere is an endorsement to
injustice everywhere our in action
matters our inaction normalizes bullying
disrespect and abuse
now our inaction comes in many different
forms of course consider for example how
many times you’ve heard someone repeat
the stereotype that guys think about sex
all the time
now I go to high schools and they tell
me that guys think about sex every three
seconds every three seconds
this is absurd right I mean like haha
how would you function as a human being
in society if this were true right you
know I want like hi my name is wool
right I mean it is it is ridiculous and
and we playfully suggest we playfully
suggest ah you know how guys are you
know how guys are referring to men’s
insatiable sexual desires and we do this
without realizing that we are basically
saying that male victims of rape weren’t
raped because they must have wanted it
and if they didn’t well they probably
should have stopped it make no mistake
our inaction to address this stereotype
sends a powerful message to a potential
rapist because it says that guys can’t
control themselves
it says guys think about sex and wants
sex and needs sex so guys will do
whatever it takes to get sex right know
though this makes it sound like all men
are potential walking rape time bombs
which if you are a man or know a man I
think this idea should infuriate you
this idea makes it sound like rape and
sex trafficking are normal and
acceptable our actions do matter whether
we hear someone using the word
calling someone ghetto labeling someone
retarded or saying that’s so gay our
action or inaction is the difference
between inclusion and discrimination
between safety and violence because when
we dehumanize and disrespect other
people hurting them gets easier for
years I’ve been doing an activity all
across the United States and in middle
schools and and military bases in
hospitals in higher education I’ve done
it from the mountains to the valleys
literally from sea to shining sea I ask
people to describe a world where we
prioritize respect and then to describe
a world we don’t prioritize respect this
is what they tell me and what you see in
front of you is kind of obvious isn’t it
right and so too is the answer to the
question I asked them which of these
worlds do they prefer
and they all picked the disrespect one
now of course they don’t know they don’t
know they don’t everyone picks the
respect one and why who doesn’t want
that world but a world where we
prioritize respect is not our default
condition we have to choose it and we
have to choose respect not just for
other people but for ourselves how many
of you know a boy or a man who knows the
stereotype that says real men are strong
and and and solve problems on their own
and they know it’s a stupid stereotype
but they still feel like a failure when
they have to ask for help how many of
you know a girl or woman who knows the
stereotype that says that women’s bodies
need to be thin curvy young and flawless
to be attractive and they know it’s a
stupid stereotype but they still feel
self-conscious about their own body how
many of you know someone who isn’t a boy
or a girl and learns to to not feel
comfortable with who they are how many
of you know a young black child who who
fifteen out of the 21 children preferred
the white doll our in action in the face
of stereotypes and disrespect hurts us
all deeply but we can make a choice to
redefine even the most unhealthy of
ideas for example no means no is
probably the most common story in our
culture about consent I mean I heard it
constantly growing up and and it got
compared to another story I got
connected to it and it got connected to
this other story that said real men
don’t ask they just go for it now these
two interconnected stories were repeated
hundreds of times in movies and TV shows
and songs if you want to kiss someone
just go for it heck I got told the story
of Sleeping Beauty as if that was normal
or acceptable
mind you this woman is unconscious when
this guy comes up and starts making out
with her no no means no is absurd first
first we say you know that if you want
to do things and it’s courageous to to
just do what you want to do but but
asking is actually also courageous
because when you ask you risk rejection
not to mention asking is the simplest
and most effective way to find out what
the other person wants yeah second not
everyone’s going to say no sometimes
because they’re afraid maybe because
they’re intimidated maybe they’ve frozen
up or perhaps they’re unconscious or
incapacitated like sleeping beauty third
no means no implies the consent exists
by default think about it if no means no
is the policy then I can walk into the
audience right now and just start
grabbing your genitals and I’m guessing
I’m guessing most of you would not be
okay with this I mean some of you might
but most of you most of you would not be
okay with this but based on the logic of
no means no you just have to endure what
I’m doing because consent is there until
you take it away no that’s no this is
ridiculous we need to tell a new story a
new story like the one my friend and
mentor Carol Mosley taught me yes means
yes and everything else means no yes
yes means yes and everything else means
no this way we teach everybody that
touching someone else’s body is not
something they have a right to rather
you have permission to touch someone
else when and only when they give you
permission
that’s consent and yes means yes doesn’t
have to be those exact words
every time yes means yes is about us
mutually exploring our sexual desires
it’s about someone else’s needs being
important to us it’s about sex being
collaborative not competitive and let’s
be honest isn’t sex always better when
we’re collaborating at it right yes
means yes yes means yes is a simple
reminder that consent is sexy I mean
it’s also mandatory because without
consent its rape but consent is actually
damn sexy I mean when someone you want
to have sex with comes up to you and
says hey I’d like to put my Wow and
you’re her and then well ha ha ha
I mean basically everyone on the planet
is like let’s do it right look
practicing and promoting yes means yes
and consent is a simple choice because
rape is less likely to happen in a world
where we prioritize safe healthy
respectful sexual experiences action
here is a no-brainer but yes means yes
only works if we ask then listen and
respect the other person’s response in
fact listening to and valuing other
people’s experiences well that’s that’s
essential if we’re gonna build a health
or say a healthier and safer world based
on work by Professor philosophy Talia
Boettcher our team now refers to this
concept as basic acknowledgement of
experience it stands in stark contrast
to basic denial of experience which is
when we value our own version of
someone’s experiences over theirs basic
denial of experience is when a victim of
workplace discrimination says they’re
being mistreated and we say you’re
probably overreacting basic denial of
experienced when a
some of sexual assault tells us what
happened and we judged them by asking
about choices that they made basic
denial of experience is when a community
of people living in fear for their lives
say black lives matter and we look back
at them and say well wait white lives
matter – basic denial of experience is
when someone says no to our kiss and we
kiss them anyway because we think we
know what they want basic denial of
experience is when we focus solely on
our intentions and not on the impact of
our actions basic acknowledgement of
experience basic acknowledgement of
experience when we say I recognize what
I said hurt you and I’m sorry or I’m not
sure if I understand your experience
entirely but I mean I hear you and I
want to help or it’s okay of course we
can stop or thanks for telling me that
must have been really hard basic
acknowledgement of experience is a
simple choice to allow other people to
be the experts on their lives have you
ever heard someone say you know what I
hate people who value my experiences no
no you have never heard anyone say that
and why because we all want that basic
acknowledgement of experience is us
building space for empathy and
connection instead of silencing people’s
voices which is exactly how violence
discrimination bullying and abuse
flourish yes means yes only works though
if we if we value other people’s safety
and their sense of well-being which is
exactly why we have to act in the face
of bigotry because it destroys our
safety and thus our chance to connect
look I’m not here to tell you that I
always take action I don’t and I’m
definitely not here to tell you that I
have always chosen respect I haven’t I’m
here because after a decade plus of
trying to prevent violence and build a
more inclusive world I’ve come to
realize that we want this world if we
really want this world there are no side
lines there’s a fancy public health term
called collective impact it it basically
says that to create social change
everyone has to participate everyone has
to act in some
little way so let’s say this building it
is a metaphor for a world where violence
bullying abuse and disrespect happen so
it becomes the metaphoric space for for
everyone who’s been called a for
everyone who’s been told their manhood
is about getting laid for everyone who
said no and wasn’t listened to and for
every victim who’s been blamed so we
want to tear this building down right
except here’s the catch there is no
magic bulldozer there is no magic
dynamite to blow up this building of
disrespect no there never has been and
there never will be but every one of us
has the tools we already need a tiny
little hammer and a tiny little chisel
now you might be thinking how are we
gonna tear down a building with tiny
hammers and tiny chisels right because
we’re gonna remember that as we start
chipping away other people are going to
see us and they’re going to begin to
realize that action not in action that
action is the norm and then they’re
gonna be chipping away with us and
before you know it there are thousands
and thousands and thousands of us
chipping away chipping away one little
action at a time no superheroes needed
just one little action every day and
then well then we will bring this sucker
down so today I’m here to ask you to
pick up that tiny hammer to pick up that tiny chisel and act thank you
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