have you ever been to a funeral have you
ever been to a child’s funeral march 8th
of this year I had the unfortunate
opportunity of experiencing one of the
most heartbreaking physically demanding
and inspiring trials a woman could ever
go through I gave birth to my firstborn
baby boy named Walter Thomas Butterworth
he was perfect in every way he had lots
of hair and this cute button nose and
the smallest hands and feet that make
you want to kiss them over and over
again
unlike other birth stories however
Walter had trisomy 18 or Edwards
syndrome a chromosomal disorder that
causes many ailments because of an extra
copy of chromosome 18 because of his
condition he had a congenital
diaphragmatic hernia that pushed his
tiny heart so far to the right that has
stopped beating in utero a week 17 my
husband and I knew from doctor’s visits
and ultrasounds that Walter’s life was
going to be short all we wanted to do
was share a small fragment of life with
him an hour 15 minutes just one minute
and unfortunately we did not at 36 weeks
another doctor’s visit and another
ultrasound in the worst sentence there’s
no heartbeat
15 hours of labor later his silence when
he was born was piercing my husband sank
to his knees next to my hospital room
bed as we cried together as I held my
lifeless little Walter through my
longing and depression I asked myself
why is it the other women and men are
not talking about similar losses are
they scared why am I scared
and how can I turn this emptiness into
something meaningful days after the
memorial service were blur my husband
and I were fortunate enough to have a
service prearranged for Walter and a
grave plot set aside so that he could
sweetly rest next to his great-grandma
sue I felt so empty inside physically
and emotionally my capacity for
happiness joy hope or even rest was shot
it’s been most my day lying in bed with
my eyes closed trying not to think about
the loss ahead just occurred and when I
was up and away call a yearn for was
this warm little boy that cuddle him
hold to fill the void that I felt inside
I would spend lots of time in the tub in
a warm soak or in a long shower trying
to relieve some of the anxiety that I
was feeling in my long showers I was
able to formulate empty a series of
portraits of people who have experienced
child loss empty has enabled me to be
more empathic and to be more authentic
with myself it has created a platform
for women and men to share their stories
and experiences and has opened up a new
perspective on what child loss looks
like because there’s a stigma related to
child loss our culture has turned a
blind eye to this live trial many of our
loved ones face my hope is that we can
learn more about this so that we can
learn to heal and learn how to help
others heal by learning more about it I
knew from the start that I wanted to get
submissions of stories of people who had
experienced child loss but I couldn’t
just sit with a story as a photographer
I naturally wanted to take images of
what this pain looks and feels like yeah
I couldn’t
stop there before this experience before
Walter I too was guilty of not talking
about child loss when the topic surfaced
I felt like I wasn’t qualified to talk
about it because I had never experienced
it and if I had never experienced it how
could I face it this is the face of
grief this is the face of anger this is
the face of wonder and questioning faith
this is a face of longing this is the
face of someone missing a piece of
themselves let’s take a moment here to
stare at the face of child loss this is
one that has become all too familiar to
me
not because I stare at it in the mirror
every day but because I have sat down
with all these women and men and have
talked with them shared their sadness
shared their longing and shared their
grief now replace the face of child loss
with someone you love this could be your
wife your girlfriend your best friend
your sister your co-worker someone from
your church congregation anyone that you
may love even yourself do you feel that
that pit in your stomach that feeling
right there is one that I want you to
remember children are not supposed to
die before parents do it’s a fact and we
all know this but is that the only
reason why we don’t talk about child
loss or do we not talk about it because
the mother was 15 weeks along and she
has so much more time to conceive
another or is it because of 15 weeks
that child is still considered a fetus
or scientifically a bunch of cells think
about that
we are discrediting someone’s pain
because of discomfort opinion or some
other cultural personal belief we are
thinking of ourselves a mean high
participative MD wrote this this time I
was 15 weeks along and I heard the same
chilling sentence I’m sorry
there’s no heartbeat my arms ache every
day for the two baby boys that I lost
each participant of empty is told to do
the same thing they are told to choose
the location this could be their home or
a field a hospital room it could be
their workplace anywhere that’s
significant to their story and once
we’re there once we’re taking the image
and we’re in that location
I have them pause and have them reflect
on the feelings of the loss and the
experience and I tell them to feel after
a few moments of calm pause I hand over
this mirror and it’s a simple mirror
nothing more than you can pick up at
your local home goods but this mirror
has weight and so when I hand over this
mirror I have them feel the weight I
pause a little more Hudson still reflect
and after a few moments I then asked
them to hold the mirror as if they’re
holding their child once again and
that’s when I take the photo
the mirror is a symbolic reflection of
myself in my grief when talking to my
participants I noticed that there was a
commonality and all of our stories we
all spoke of this similar sadness in the
similar pain in the similar grief but I
also noticed that we all spoke of a
piece of ourselves missing so as you can
see in all the photos I actually edited
out a portion of the mirror and this was
to reflect the fact that with grief with
the loss of a child we truly are missing
a piece of ourselves and so something
that was metaphorically felt is now
physically seen when people actively
view these images I want them to feel
what the participant is feeling I invite
them to do so I want them to understand
that this person that’s in this image is
not just someone that lives in a close
proximity to their home because they’re
in the community that this person in the
image could be someone that they love it
could be someone that’s in their home
when someone is dealing with child loss
so Austin does it feel like time is just
going and going and going
time doesn’t stop for someone in grief
so deeply feels that way and when I’ve
talked to my participants they all
agreed that we just want people to
realize and acknowledge the fact that we
are stuck that life has stopped and time
has Stood Still losing her baby boy at
38 and a half weeks
Brenda wrote as children of friends past
milestones that Joseph will never get to
experience grief still sneaks up
catching me unaware and it washes over
me empty has been a harsh reality a
gateway to a harsh reality it has
provided a platform for women and men to
share their stories and their
experiences and the stories that they
share are raw some tell of the story of
losing their child and realizing that
that child is no longer with them in his
past others scream of wanting answers
from an absent God while others speak to
losing an abortion adoption excuse me
losing an adoption knowing that they
have empty arms but a full heart empty
not has not only been the gateway to a
harsh reality but it has also been a way
for me to heal
has been a way for me to relate to other
parents who didn’t who’ve endured this
awful circumstance Taylor participants
of empty she recently shared with me
that she’s expecting twins she said that
in no way did she realize that by
sharing her story they would help her
heal and in no way did she realize that
by sharing her story they would actually
help her transition into this new life
with her new children how great is that
empty has created a conversation what
will you do next time someone you love
faces child loss take a step forward
instead of taking a step back be a
friend and lend a hand say nothing and
listen you will learn so much from the
strong and courageous individuals who
are willing to share their empty thank
you
[Applause]
ever been to a child’s funeral march 8th
of this year I had the unfortunate
opportunity of experiencing one of the
most heartbreaking physically demanding
and inspiring trials a woman could ever
go through I gave birth to my firstborn
baby boy named Walter Thomas Butterworth
he was perfect in every way he had lots
of hair and this cute button nose and
the smallest hands and feet that make
you want to kiss them over and over
again
unlike other birth stories however
Walter had trisomy 18 or Edwards
syndrome a chromosomal disorder that
causes many ailments because of an extra
copy of chromosome 18 because of his
condition he had a congenital
diaphragmatic hernia that pushed his
tiny heart so far to the right that has
stopped beating in utero a week 17 my
husband and I knew from doctor’s visits
and ultrasounds that Walter’s life was
going to be short all we wanted to do
was share a small fragment of life with
him an hour 15 minutes just one minute
and unfortunately we did not at 36 weeks
another doctor’s visit and another
ultrasound in the worst sentence there’s
no heartbeat
15 hours of labor later his silence when
he was born was piercing my husband sank
to his knees next to my hospital room
bed as we cried together as I held my
lifeless little Walter through my
longing and depression I asked myself
why is it the other women and men are
not talking about similar losses are
they scared why am I scared
and how can I turn this emptiness into
something meaningful days after the
memorial service were blur my husband
and I were fortunate enough to have a
service prearranged for Walter and a
grave plot set aside so that he could
sweetly rest next to his great-grandma
sue I felt so empty inside physically
and emotionally my capacity for
happiness joy hope or even rest was shot
it’s been most my day lying in bed with
my eyes closed trying not to think about
the loss ahead just occurred and when I
was up and away call a yearn for was
this warm little boy that cuddle him
hold to fill the void that I felt inside
I would spend lots of time in the tub in
a warm soak or in a long shower trying
to relieve some of the anxiety that I
was feeling in my long showers I was
able to formulate empty a series of
portraits of people who have experienced
child loss empty has enabled me to be
more empathic and to be more authentic
with myself it has created a platform
for women and men to share their stories
and experiences and has opened up a new
perspective on what child loss looks
like because there’s a stigma related to
child loss our culture has turned a
blind eye to this live trial many of our
loved ones face my hope is that we can
learn more about this so that we can
learn to heal and learn how to help
others heal by learning more about it I
knew from the start that I wanted to get
submissions of stories of people who had
experienced child loss but I couldn’t
just sit with a story as a photographer
I naturally wanted to take images of
what this pain looks and feels like yeah
I couldn’t
stop there before this experience before
Walter I too was guilty of not talking
about child loss when the topic surfaced
I felt like I wasn’t qualified to talk
about it because I had never experienced
it and if I had never experienced it how
could I face it this is the face of
grief this is the face of anger this is
the face of wonder and questioning faith
this is a face of longing this is the
face of someone missing a piece of
themselves let’s take a moment here to
stare at the face of child loss this is
one that has become all too familiar to
me
not because I stare at it in the mirror
every day but because I have sat down
with all these women and men and have
talked with them shared their sadness
shared their longing and shared their
grief now replace the face of child loss
with someone you love this could be your
wife your girlfriend your best friend
your sister your co-worker someone from
your church congregation anyone that you
may love even yourself do you feel that
that pit in your stomach that feeling
right there is one that I want you to
remember children are not supposed to
die before parents do it’s a fact and we
all know this but is that the only
reason why we don’t talk about child
loss or do we not talk about it because
the mother was 15 weeks along and she
has so much more time to conceive
another or is it because of 15 weeks
that child is still considered a fetus
or scientifically a bunch of cells think
about that
we are discrediting someone’s pain
because of discomfort opinion or some
other cultural personal belief we are
thinking of ourselves a mean high
participative MD wrote this this time I
was 15 weeks along and I heard the same
chilling sentence I’m sorry
there’s no heartbeat my arms ache every
day for the two baby boys that I lost
each participant of empty is told to do
the same thing they are told to choose
the location this could be their home or
a field a hospital room it could be
their workplace anywhere that’s
significant to their story and once
we’re there once we’re taking the image
and we’re in that location
I have them pause and have them reflect
on the feelings of the loss and the
experience and I tell them to feel after
a few moments of calm pause I hand over
this mirror and it’s a simple mirror
nothing more than you can pick up at
your local home goods but this mirror
has weight and so when I hand over this
mirror I have them feel the weight I
pause a little more Hudson still reflect
and after a few moments I then asked
them to hold the mirror as if they’re
holding their child once again and
that’s when I take the photo
the mirror is a symbolic reflection of
myself in my grief when talking to my
participants I noticed that there was a
commonality and all of our stories we
all spoke of this similar sadness in the
similar pain in the similar grief but I
also noticed that we all spoke of a
piece of ourselves missing so as you can
see in all the photos I actually edited
out a portion of the mirror and this was
to reflect the fact that with grief with
the loss of a child we truly are missing
a piece of ourselves and so something
that was metaphorically felt is now
physically seen when people actively
view these images I want them to feel
what the participant is feeling I invite
them to do so I want them to understand
that this person that’s in this image is
not just someone that lives in a close
proximity to their home because they’re
in the community that this person in the
image could be someone that they love it
could be someone that’s in their home
when someone is dealing with child loss
so Austin does it feel like time is just
going and going and going
time doesn’t stop for someone in grief
so deeply feels that way and when I’ve
talked to my participants they all
agreed that we just want people to
realize and acknowledge the fact that we
are stuck that life has stopped and time
has Stood Still losing her baby boy at
38 and a half weeks
Brenda wrote as children of friends past
milestones that Joseph will never get to
experience grief still sneaks up
catching me unaware and it washes over
me empty has been a harsh reality a
gateway to a harsh reality it has
provided a platform for women and men to
share their stories and their
experiences and the stories that they
share are raw some tell of the story of
losing their child and realizing that
that child is no longer with them in his
past others scream of wanting answers
from an absent God while others speak to
losing an abortion adoption excuse me
losing an adoption knowing that they
have empty arms but a full heart empty
not has not only been the gateway to a
harsh reality but it has also been a way
for me to heal
has been a way for me to relate to other
parents who didn’t who’ve endured this
awful circumstance Taylor participants
of empty she recently shared with me
that she’s expecting twins she said that
in no way did she realize that by
sharing her story they would help her
heal and in no way did she realize that
by sharing her story they would actually
help her transition into this new life
with her new children how great is that
empty has created a conversation what
will you do next time someone you love
faces child loss take a step forward
instead of taking a step back be a
friend and lend a hand say nothing and
listen you will learn so much from the
strong and courageous individuals who
are willing to share their empty thank
you
[Applause]
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