[Music]
for the past two years of TEDx Jackson
Hole history I had the honor of being
your emcee just as Mel and Ana are the
MCS tonight I stood on this very spot
and I introduced a number of speakers
from around the world that spoke of
resilience and passion of personal
struggles and overcoming obstacles
inspiring others and elevating the minds
of the community emceeing is an honor I
hold in the highest regard and I’m so
thankful to have had the opportunity to
do it twice but this year I knew I had
to do something different this year I
decided to volunteer myself as a speaker
this year I finally had the courage to
speak up and say I would prefer not to
introduce anyone this year I would like
to be introduced that level of courage
did not exist within me until very
recently although I’m an actor having
performed on this very stage in front of
an audience more times than I can count
I still get nervous I still experience
that level of stage fright not when I’m
playing a character with some memorized
lines that’s easy the stage fright comes
in when I must portray the most
difficult role of all myself
about five years ago I was living in
Chicago I was pursuing a life of improv
comedy but it was during that time that
I realized that I was experiencing my
first I guess experience with depression
I didn’t know where it came from or what
caused it and perhaps it was because I
was a small-town kid with big-city
dreams that quickly turned into big-city
nightmares with each month that passed
in the two years that I spent in Chicago
pursuing a life of laughter I spent half
of it drowned in sadness I was uneasy
and off-balance and on top of the
external influence of city life
I was battling internal Wars on more
fronts than I could count self-esteem
and confidence being my two most
difficult conflicts looking back I knew
I wasn’t alone in that struggle but when
depression hits you and not just sadness
but relentless depression relentless
sadness you feel like that arrow was
aimed at you and only you and it’s
impossible to pull out on your own or so
I thought my journey to recovery did not
begin in a doctor’s office
it began in Iceland it was I was in
Reykjavik September 12th 2012 I had just
arrived from Chicago with an over packed
backpack and zero plans whatsoever
it was dawn but the Sun had not yet
risen so I grabbed my coat took my
camera I went out to the sea and I
waited for the Sun to rise the sky was
cloudy but the Sun broke through
and I had never seen the Sun like that
before
the orange light blasted over me and
before I knew it the sky exploded in
beauty exposing colors that I had never
seen anywhere else in the world this
strange country this place that I knew
so little about suddenly opened itself
up to me and embraced me like I belonged
there it was in those moments that I
first heard the first few notes of an
epic symphony of Iceland I did not
realize that it would be a place I would
be returning to five times in the next
five years that morning that simple
sunrise I realized that everything that
was holding me back from happiness
everything that I experienced in Chicago
disappeared in an instant
there was no fear anymore no doubt
standing by the sea I was happy with the
person I was and was excited to show
them off to whoever I came in my path I
ended up jumping on a whale-watching
boat randomly and spotted my first whale
that day everything was impulsive I
rented a car and I drove north meeting a
man named Vida bjornsen
who I consider to be my Icelandic dad a
man who embraced me like a son a man who
told me burn your return ticket you
belong here it was an adventure that is
defined everything I am today
everything that has led me to this very
spot and when I went back to Chicago I
ended up quitting my job I moved back to
Jackson and I promised myself that I
would return and so in 2013 I watched
The Midnight Sun dance across the
horizon from Vito’s front porch I joined
a game of swamp soccer in the West
fjords and played with a team of
strangers that embraced me as if I was
been their friend for ages and in 2014 I
worked with Vida on a whale-watching
ship in the north part of Iceland for an
entire summer
I remember how happy I was standing at
the top of that ship with binoculars to
my eyes seeking out the largest mammals
in the world and being actually kind of
good at it
every day offered a new adventure a new
challenge to overcome a new whale to
spot a new batch of tourists to
entertain being on the ocean was like
medicine to me and when the season ended
and I had to go back home I felt this
voice inside me telling me no stay what
are you doing you’re finally happy here
I initially went to Iceland on a whim a
co-worker of mine had gone to Iceland
the year before my first trip and on
that first trip I thought I was just
going somewhere cool and rural I had no
idea that Iceland would showcase a
version of myself that I had never seen
anywhere else in the world especially
not in the States and so I kept going
back I kept going back to visit him to
battle back my depression with doses of
Iceland those of you who have
experienced bouts of depression
understand that depression is not
something that you can expect to have it
it can wash over you in an instant one
thing after another can impact the way
you feel the way you think and crippling
everything that you think makes you
happy I hated who I was when I wasn’t in
Iceland and when I was back in the
States
all I could think about was trying to
get back so I listened to Icelandic
music constantly I’ve worked on the
language I Skyped with my friends I’ve
browsed through all of my photos
desperately trying to transport myself
out of the Wyoming and rumens that I was
and get back to the Icelandic and rumens
that I’d come to love and so I decided
to do something totally crazy I decided
that I would move to Iceland this time
for good my family and friends my
co-workers everybody thought that I was
in
Sain they thought that I was flippant
and indecisive they it was like they
thought I didn’t know what I wanted to
achieve out of life and I was putting
everything on pause by going to this
place to everybody else moving to
Iceland was irresponsible to me it was
therapy
I knew that moving to Iceland full-time
in some way would completely heal me it
would buck my depression I would be
cured and so in November of 2015 I found
a job working as a chef and a baker in a
very small town called Ness coastal
water in the eastern fjords nine hours
from the capital when I had arrived the
snows started to fall as if winter was
waiting for me and soon the Sun began to
disappear the day’s grew shorter the
night’s grew longer and even though the
town had about 1,500 people you barely
saw anybody around and in that darkness
my Symphony went quiet in that silence I
was left with only myself the very and
rumens that I thought I had escaped
realizing that he had stowed away in my
luggage uninvited and unwelcome threw me
completely off-balance this move were
supposed to cure me entirely and I felt
like this adventurous lacquer that I
coated myself in was beginning to wash
off exposing everything I tried to cover
up exposing my doubts to my fears my
anger my insecurities and above all my
sadness and once I accepted the truth
behind that sadness all I could feel was
failure I wasn’t going to be fixed here
if I couldn’t be happy in the place that
made me happiest there was no hope for
me was there I retreated to the darkest
parts of my mind suicide and
self-inflicted harm began to infest me
and I couldn’t go back to Wyoming at
that point not again
not after I declared Iceland as my
salvation I had somehow accepted this
delusion that I had sabotaged myself by
moving to this fjord in the middle of
nowhere in the middle of winter and all
I could think was that I made this
massive mistake I made a mistake and
this desire to punish myself for that
mistake rose up from within me a
different sort of Symphony began to play
one night in February after overthinking
my choices I decided to put an end to my
sadness once and for all
come morning the footprints that I would
leave behind in the snow would end at
the edge of the dock and everyone would
know where I had went and what became of
me that night I breathed in the frigid
air
I closed my eyes I could feel my tears
freezing to my face I could feel my
heart beating inside my chest trying to
tell me that this was a bad idea
but it wasn’t it made sense and as I was
standing at the edge I could feel my
body swaying back and forth I’m not sure
whether to jump in or just go back and
so I took a deep breath my last breath
and I froze
not out of fear I had overcome fear by
that point I stopped myself because I
realized I had reached the end I had
come to my own conclusion I felt like
I’d skipped the end of a novel without
giving the rest of the chapters a chance
whatever legacy I thought I was leaving
behind was absent oh all I was leaving
behind were footprints in the snow so I
stepped away from the dock frustrated
with myself I’m not finished yet I
whispered I’m not ready yet
I still had so much I wanted to do I had
books to publish plays to write
audiences to entertain people to love
sunrises to watch whales to find and all
of that meant I couldn’t stay in the
feud
and so I worked for a few more months
determined to stay sane and alive and so
in May I came back to Jackson Hole not
because I’d failed I came home because I
won and so I went to a psychiatrist to
person who diagnosed me with depression
and prescribed me an antidepressant I
took the pills for two days and then I
dumped the rest of the pills down the
toilet because I decided that I didn’t
want to be defined by a medication and
knowing that I knew I would have to
fight ten times harder to heal myself on
my own and find that happiness there was
the only way I could live with myself I
would have to heal and rumens
entirely every version of him I had to
push back these feelings of depression
because I could not hold on to a single
hope of an expectation that was supposed
to be fulfilled because it makes us lose
sight of who we are and sometimes who we
are is a complex mosaic of a bunch of
broken pieces of our failed expectations
and lofty ambitions cobbled together by
the glue of what makes our hearts beat
and for me Iceland was that glue I
traveled 48,000 471 miles in the past
five years to figure out who I was and
to get to this point on the stage 48,000
471 miles to learn that there was no
Icelandic version of Andrew Munz there’s
no Wyoming me it was always just me
I am the best version of myself that
there will ever be and knowing that I
knew I would have to fight that much
harder to see everything that I wanted
to achieve in life happen I needed to
live to see every ambition through to
completion and make sure that the next
project that I did was that much greater
than the one that happened I needed me
to be around to smile and laugh and be
here
I’m happy to say that my journey to my
legacy is not over it’s just beginning
and I’m so thankful for the number of
people in my life who have been behind
me during that process many of whom are
in the audience right now there applause
over the years has helped me be Who I am
today helped me be here breathing air
standing in front of you not as the
funny man actor but as someone who’s
alive
someone who after so many years of
self-doubt has finally been introduced
thank you
you
for the past two years of TEDx Jackson
Hole history I had the honor of being
your emcee just as Mel and Ana are the
MCS tonight I stood on this very spot
and I introduced a number of speakers
from around the world that spoke of
resilience and passion of personal
struggles and overcoming obstacles
inspiring others and elevating the minds
of the community emceeing is an honor I
hold in the highest regard and I’m so
thankful to have had the opportunity to
do it twice but this year I knew I had
to do something different this year I
decided to volunteer myself as a speaker
this year I finally had the courage to
speak up and say I would prefer not to
introduce anyone this year I would like
to be introduced that level of courage
did not exist within me until very
recently although I’m an actor having
performed on this very stage in front of
an audience more times than I can count
I still get nervous I still experience
that level of stage fright not when I’m
playing a character with some memorized
lines that’s easy the stage fright comes
in when I must portray the most
difficult role of all myself
about five years ago I was living in
Chicago I was pursuing a life of improv
comedy but it was during that time that
I realized that I was experiencing my
first I guess experience with depression
I didn’t know where it came from or what
caused it and perhaps it was because I
was a small-town kid with big-city
dreams that quickly turned into big-city
nightmares with each month that passed
in the two years that I spent in Chicago
pursuing a life of laughter I spent half
of it drowned in sadness I was uneasy
and off-balance and on top of the
external influence of city life
I was battling internal Wars on more
fronts than I could count self-esteem
and confidence being my two most
difficult conflicts looking back I knew
I wasn’t alone in that struggle but when
depression hits you and not just sadness
but relentless depression relentless
sadness you feel like that arrow was
aimed at you and only you and it’s
impossible to pull out on your own or so
I thought my journey to recovery did not
begin in a doctor’s office
it began in Iceland it was I was in
Reykjavik September 12th 2012 I had just
arrived from Chicago with an over packed
backpack and zero plans whatsoever
it was dawn but the Sun had not yet
risen so I grabbed my coat took my
camera I went out to the sea and I
waited for the Sun to rise the sky was
cloudy but the Sun broke through
and I had never seen the Sun like that
before
the orange light blasted over me and
before I knew it the sky exploded in
beauty exposing colors that I had never
seen anywhere else in the world this
strange country this place that I knew
so little about suddenly opened itself
up to me and embraced me like I belonged
there it was in those moments that I
first heard the first few notes of an
epic symphony of Iceland I did not
realize that it would be a place I would
be returning to five times in the next
five years that morning that simple
sunrise I realized that everything that
was holding me back from happiness
everything that I experienced in Chicago
disappeared in an instant
there was no fear anymore no doubt
standing by the sea I was happy with the
person I was and was excited to show
them off to whoever I came in my path I
ended up jumping on a whale-watching
boat randomly and spotted my first whale
that day everything was impulsive I
rented a car and I drove north meeting a
man named Vida bjornsen
who I consider to be my Icelandic dad a
man who embraced me like a son a man who
told me burn your return ticket you
belong here it was an adventure that is
defined everything I am today
everything that has led me to this very
spot and when I went back to Chicago I
ended up quitting my job I moved back to
Jackson and I promised myself that I
would return and so in 2013 I watched
The Midnight Sun dance across the
horizon from Vito’s front porch I joined
a game of swamp soccer in the West
fjords and played with a team of
strangers that embraced me as if I was
been their friend for ages and in 2014 I
worked with Vida on a whale-watching
ship in the north part of Iceland for an
entire summer
I remember how happy I was standing at
the top of that ship with binoculars to
my eyes seeking out the largest mammals
in the world and being actually kind of
good at it
every day offered a new adventure a new
challenge to overcome a new whale to
spot a new batch of tourists to
entertain being on the ocean was like
medicine to me and when the season ended
and I had to go back home I felt this
voice inside me telling me no stay what
are you doing you’re finally happy here
I initially went to Iceland on a whim a
co-worker of mine had gone to Iceland
the year before my first trip and on
that first trip I thought I was just
going somewhere cool and rural I had no
idea that Iceland would showcase a
version of myself that I had never seen
anywhere else in the world especially
not in the States and so I kept going
back I kept going back to visit him to
battle back my depression with doses of
Iceland those of you who have
experienced bouts of depression
understand that depression is not
something that you can expect to have it
it can wash over you in an instant one
thing after another can impact the way
you feel the way you think and crippling
everything that you think makes you
happy I hated who I was when I wasn’t in
Iceland and when I was back in the
States
all I could think about was trying to
get back so I listened to Icelandic
music constantly I’ve worked on the
language I Skyped with my friends I’ve
browsed through all of my photos
desperately trying to transport myself
out of the Wyoming and rumens that I was
and get back to the Icelandic and rumens
that I’d come to love and so I decided
to do something totally crazy I decided
that I would move to Iceland this time
for good my family and friends my
co-workers everybody thought that I was
in
Sain they thought that I was flippant
and indecisive they it was like they
thought I didn’t know what I wanted to
achieve out of life and I was putting
everything on pause by going to this
place to everybody else moving to
Iceland was irresponsible to me it was
therapy
I knew that moving to Iceland full-time
in some way would completely heal me it
would buck my depression I would be
cured and so in November of 2015 I found
a job working as a chef and a baker in a
very small town called Ness coastal
water in the eastern fjords nine hours
from the capital when I had arrived the
snows started to fall as if winter was
waiting for me and soon the Sun began to
disappear the day’s grew shorter the
night’s grew longer and even though the
town had about 1,500 people you barely
saw anybody around and in that darkness
my Symphony went quiet in that silence I
was left with only myself the very and
rumens that I thought I had escaped
realizing that he had stowed away in my
luggage uninvited and unwelcome threw me
completely off-balance this move were
supposed to cure me entirely and I felt
like this adventurous lacquer that I
coated myself in was beginning to wash
off exposing everything I tried to cover
up exposing my doubts to my fears my
anger my insecurities and above all my
sadness and once I accepted the truth
behind that sadness all I could feel was
failure I wasn’t going to be fixed here
if I couldn’t be happy in the place that
made me happiest there was no hope for
me was there I retreated to the darkest
parts of my mind suicide and
self-inflicted harm began to infest me
and I couldn’t go back to Wyoming at
that point not again
not after I declared Iceland as my
salvation I had somehow accepted this
delusion that I had sabotaged myself by
moving to this fjord in the middle of
nowhere in the middle of winter and all
I could think was that I made this
massive mistake I made a mistake and
this desire to punish myself for that
mistake rose up from within me a
different sort of Symphony began to play
one night in February after overthinking
my choices I decided to put an end to my
sadness once and for all
come morning the footprints that I would
leave behind in the snow would end at
the edge of the dock and everyone would
know where I had went and what became of
me that night I breathed in the frigid
air
I closed my eyes I could feel my tears
freezing to my face I could feel my
heart beating inside my chest trying to
tell me that this was a bad idea
but it wasn’t it made sense and as I was
standing at the edge I could feel my
body swaying back and forth I’m not sure
whether to jump in or just go back and
so I took a deep breath my last breath
and I froze
not out of fear I had overcome fear by
that point I stopped myself because I
realized I had reached the end I had
come to my own conclusion I felt like
I’d skipped the end of a novel without
giving the rest of the chapters a chance
whatever legacy I thought I was leaving
behind was absent oh all I was leaving
behind were footprints in the snow so I
stepped away from the dock frustrated
with myself I’m not finished yet I
whispered I’m not ready yet
I still had so much I wanted to do I had
books to publish plays to write
audiences to entertain people to love
sunrises to watch whales to find and all
of that meant I couldn’t stay in the
feud
and so I worked for a few more months
determined to stay sane and alive and so
in May I came back to Jackson Hole not
because I’d failed I came home because I
won and so I went to a psychiatrist to
person who diagnosed me with depression
and prescribed me an antidepressant I
took the pills for two days and then I
dumped the rest of the pills down the
toilet because I decided that I didn’t
want to be defined by a medication and
knowing that I knew I would have to
fight ten times harder to heal myself on
my own and find that happiness there was
the only way I could live with myself I
would have to heal and rumens
entirely every version of him I had to
push back these feelings of depression
because I could not hold on to a single
hope of an expectation that was supposed
to be fulfilled because it makes us lose
sight of who we are and sometimes who we
are is a complex mosaic of a bunch of
broken pieces of our failed expectations
and lofty ambitions cobbled together by
the glue of what makes our hearts beat
and for me Iceland was that glue I
traveled 48,000 471 miles in the past
five years to figure out who I was and
to get to this point on the stage 48,000
471 miles to learn that there was no
Icelandic version of Andrew Munz there’s
no Wyoming me it was always just me
I am the best version of myself that
there will ever be and knowing that I
knew I would have to fight that much
harder to see everything that I wanted
to achieve in life happen I needed to
live to see every ambition through to
completion and make sure that the next
project that I did was that much greater
than the one that happened I needed me
to be around to smile and laugh and be
here
I’m happy to say that my journey to my
legacy is not over it’s just beginning
and I’m so thankful for the number of
people in my life who have been behind
me during that process many of whom are
in the audience right now there applause
over the years has helped me be Who I am
today helped me be here breathing air
standing in front of you not as the
funny man actor but as someone who’s
alive
someone who after so many years of
self-doubt has finally been introduced
thank you
you
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